YouTube link added 02.09.09
8:43 AM, Monday, January 12th, 2004:
Whew. Didn't see this comin'.
So I'm finishin' up the redesign by a painstaking page-by-page process throughout The Journey. More of which I'll get into in the next entry. Long story short, I screwed up and uploaded all the locked entries from 2002. My first instinct was to lock em all up again, and then I started to read them...
...for the next hour I went through every single one and just marveled at how freakin' well they told the Charlotte story. It was all right there in black and white. So I unlocked one...then two. Then before you know it, over a period of a week - I unlocked every, single, one. All 9 locked entries. Even a video that had been locked for 2 years all wide open. (gulp). Only thing that isn't readible are a series of 3 instant messages within an unlocked entry that ended our relationship. It's just too personal and the story is told without them. Of course the best drama is in those messages as it's our un-edited, unbiased words, but again...not appropriate right now.
So why now? I honestly don't know. I guess that so much of it is my side of the story, that I feel there's nothing wrong with posting it. Her real name is nowhere on the site and the bottom line is I'm the one who looks petty or arrogant for posting it. If that's the way it's perceived then so be it. My intention is to tell a story here, and I guarantee you there are people in LA right this moment, who would benefit from what I just unlocked. As well it gives insight into just how wretched things got in March, that lead to the vicodin, the suicidal tendencies - it all makes sense now. You can now all see why the "Duncan" call was such a big deal, and basically changed the path of my life...everything. And as I said before, I had forgotten just how well some of the stuff was laid out. I was suprised how obvious the problem was, and all I was struggling with. It was actually quite helpful to read and incredibly entertaining. So take it as you will.
There is no relief however. It's not as if with the flip of a switch I'm like - " everyone knows". It's too late for any of that. It's been 2 years. It would've been helpful for people to read it THEN, but now it's just slightly interesting. I was a mess then, but now Charlotte is so far removed from the picture she barely registers. I think about her often, but it's kind of like a Palaur thing. I'd go grab coffee with either of them, but know that by the end of the cup I'd remember exactly what they were like and be ready to go. Time always blurs the bad for me. It'd be a great video though. Heh.
So, the 9 new unlocked entries are as follows:
171 - My dear
172 - The Last Straw
173 - Incomprehensible
174 - (sigh) Nevermind
176 - Unlocked Depression
179 - Vicodinner
182 - I'm slowing down
183 - A Shock to the System
184 - Irreconcilable Differences
Quite a lot. In the context of thost two months it really ties everything together. If you have some time, it's probably the most compelling thing ever written within The Journey. Scary to me now how much of a head case I was. Hell I still am completely changed from that period. To get to that point changes you even if you get back from it. Self-imposed pressures are the worst.
The biggest wham-o of the unlockables is of course the video. From the annual drunken video from 2001, I knew it was doomed even then. Funny video though. Hard to believe I was that sure and confident of things at that moment, yet several weeks later I'm so depressed I can barely move. But really, the second after we lost Aspen and she started turning it all on me, the writing was on the wall. Unfortunately all my self-worth was wrapped up in her opnion of me (something I will try valiantly to never have happen again), and it was hard to let go. 2 months later though, it was a done deal. What a period for this journey. Very glad it's open.
Anyway, I'm soooooooooooo close to finishing the site, and want to get to it while I have the time. Expect entry #299 on Thursday introducing the new site. It's lookin' very good.
By the way, in case you were wondering how many pages were in the San Fernando Valley Yellow pages... JUST enough to cover our entire fucking backyard. (sigh) God love the pups.