So I'm finishin'
up the redesign by a painstaking page-by-page process
throughout The Journey. More of which I'll get into in
the next entry. Long story short, I screwed up and
uploaded all the locked entries from 2002. My first
instinct was to lock em all up again, and then
I started to read them...
...for the next
hour I went through every single one and just
marveled at how freakin' well they told the Charlotte
story. It was all right there in black and white. So I
unlocked one...then two. Then before you know it, over
a period of a week - I unlocked every, single,
one. All 9 locked entries. Even a video that had been
locked for 2 years all wide open. (gulp). Only thing
that isn't readible are a series of 3 instant messages
within an unlocked entry that ended our relationship.
It's just too personal and the story is told without
them. Of course the best drama is in those messages as
it's our un-edited, unbiased words, but again...not
appropriate right now.
So why now?
I honestly don't know. I guess that so much of it
is my side of the story, that I feel there's
nothing wrong with posting it. Her real name is
nowhere on the site and the bottom line is I'm
the one who looks petty or arrogant for posting it. If
that's the way it's perceived then so be it. My
intention is to tell a story here, and
I guarantee you there are people in LA right this
moment, who would benefit from what I just unlocked.
As well it gives insight into just how wretched things
got in March, that lead to the vicodin, the suicidal
tendencies - it all makes sense now. You can now all
see why the "Duncan" call was such a big deal, and
basically changed the path of my life...everything.
And as I said before, I had forgotten just how
well some of the stuff was laid out. I was suprised
how obvious the problem was, and all I was
struggling with. It was actually quite helpful to read
and incredibly entertaining. So take it as you
will.
There is no relief
however. It's not as if with the flip of a switch I'm
like - "ahhhhh...now everyone knows". It's too late
for any of that. It's been 2 years. It would've been
helpful for people to read it THEN, but now it's just
slightly interesting. I was a mess then, but now
Charlotte is so far removed from the picture she
barely registers. I think about her often, but it's
kind of like a Palaur thing. I'd go grab coffee with
either of them, but know that by the end of the cup
I'd remember exactly what they were like and be
ready to go. Time always blurs the bad for me. It'd be
a great video though. Heh.
Quite a lot. In
the context of thost two months it really ties
everything together. If you have some time, it's
probably the most compelling thing ever written within
The Journey. Scary to me now how much of a head case I
was. Hell I still am completely changed from that
period. To get to that point changes you even if you
get back from it. Self-imposed pressures are the
worst.
The
biggest wham-o of the unlockables is of
course the video.
From the annual drunken video from 2001, I
knew it was doomed even then. Funny video
though. Hard to believe I was that
sure and confident of things at that
moment, yet several weeks later I'm so
depressed I can barely move. But really,
the second after we lost Aspen and she
started turning it all on me, the writing
was on the wall. Unfortunately all my
self-worth was wrapped up in her opnion of
me (something I will try valiantly to
never have happen again), and it
was hard to let go. 2 months later though,
it was a done deal. What a period for this
journey. Very glad it's open.
Anyway, I'm
soooooooooooo close to finishing the site, and want to
get to it while I have the time. Expect entry
#299 on Thursday introducing the new site. It's
lookin' very good.
Adam
By the way, in
case you were wondering how many pages were in the San
Fernando Valley Yellow pages... JUST enough to cover
our entire fucking backyard. (sigh) God love the
pups.
