ENTRY #173
This Entry was locked until January 11th, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09

...gotta love the irony huh?

11:52 PM, Sunday, February 3rd, 2002:
"Incomprehensible" - a word that 3 months ago showed my absolute shock, now means the same thing...
...but just a TEEEEEEEENY bit different.
The Journey is no more. This is the first entry that I'm writing with the full knowledge that it's over. As sad as I am, I must say the relief is almost equal to it. There's no more bullshit now. This is finally my journal now. The fact that I had to compromise that, if even for ONE ENTRY, sickens me. No more. I wrote everyone (except Charlotte) and told 'em:
Subject: Who thought it'd end like this?
Fellow Online Supporters,
It's with an absolutely devastated heart that I must inform you that "The Journey" is no longer online. So why...
I've found myself absolutely sugar coating everything in the past 5 or so entries. Basically lying and making excuses so as to not ruffle feathers. Things have gotten to the point where it is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to write an entry without making excuse after excuse, or edit my entry for DAYS and that has to stop. The moment I realized I was about to write my 3rd straight locked entry - I knew it was over. Honesty and sincerity is the heart of "The Journey", and to compromise that is worthless.
I'd say that this is only temporary, and that when things improve I'll be back online - but I don't believe that to be true. I think I've found out why no one else has ever done a live "Journey" - you can't be honest in this city. I tried my damndest but you just can't.
I will however continue everything offline. Naming the entries, making videos - pictures...all of it. I'll write it as if you're all reading it still, and maybe someday there'll be a way to release it. Maybe at some point everything will unlock and we'll all be happy. I honestly have no idea what the future holds.
If anything monumental happens I will most certainly write you all. It kills me that some of you have followed this so closely and now have no way of seeing what happens next other than IM'ing me periodically. (sigh). So pissed.
Oh well - it is what it is. I thank you all sooooooo much for the support and hope that things turn out better than I forsee. You never know.
Whew. What a moment. Still a bit in shock that it's come down to this. I wonder how people will react... I bet I don't get more than 15 emails. Anyway...
I started writing this entry at NOON. Lemme get that out before I continue:
12:14 PM, Sunday, February 3rd, 2002:
I started to cry as I fell asleep last night. No shitting. I guess when you realize that all that was said/felt/promised last year is complete horseshit there's just no other emotion. Only memories of my divorce nearly 5 years ago compare. I'm utterly embarrased really. I hate looking like a fool. I hate that I counted my chickens. I hate the egg on my face - and all because I believed 100% in Charlotte. I had no choice though. When I disagreed with her, I was made to look like a complete fucking fool. When I showed doubt - it was considered weak. And to read how amazingly happy I was in November may be the most difficult thing to ever read. In fact - I would say that I won't be able to read the other "incomprehensible" for easily another year.
The real resason for locking everything COMPLETELY is so I can hide my feelings from Charlotte. I need to make sure I've gotten everything I can out of the relationship before I end this. Even if I were to buy the headshots back from her - who do I give them to!? I need to let her send a few of 'em out before I kill this. As well - let's see what happens on Tuesday and the days and weeks following. She can only hide from her ineptness for so long. When absolutely no industry shows up at the Improv Comedy West - we'll see what she says. Hell I should bring that up today if we ever meet. Then there's all the loose ends that I'd like to see sewn up. That letter has to go out to Mitzi - that situation needs to be finalized one way or the other. Largo, Ha-Ha, Grace Wu, all that...once I feel secure with all of those things, and I have my headshots in my posession somehow - it'll be ended. I'll then go about trying to find a new manager with my Trinitrons tape, and hope there's direction. So basically not only do I have no direction at this point - I'll probably have to wait several weeks and months until I can be in a position to find a manager to give me that direction. LOL. Sucks to be me right now.
Well it only gets better Kontras. She mentioned to me yesterday that she had absolutely no plans for Sunday. I said "cool" and that we could FINALLY get together, as I didn't REALLY care too much about the Superbowl. So I got up around 9, and called her at 11:18. No answer at home, and I left a message on the cell. I called again at 12:30 at her office, home and cell this time. I joked on the message that I wanted to be sure she was alright and hadn't bumped her head in the bathtub again. I couldn't imagine why she would answer at home, at her office, or on her cell...
5 PM - still nothing. At this point I've blown off a friend who wanted me to join the Superbowl Party because I needed to catch her phone call. Yeah, smart move Adam. You'd think that past history would clue me in as to what would happen. Left another message around 5, and then 6:30. My tone of voice by this time was a bit frustrated. She HAD to be up by this time, and I was starting to REALLY think she was seriously hurt. At 7 PM after the superbowl (WOW - great game), I turn on my computer monitor and see that she's actually left me an Instant Message.
Charlotte: No, I am not alive....this time the bah tub fell on me!
Charlotte: bath tub..damn it
Charlotte signed off at 4:56:55 PM.
Charlotte signed on at 5:15:18 PM.
Charlotte signed off at 5:18:44 PM.
I'm REALLY ticked at this point. How can she JOKE about this? Yes, I was being semi-sarcastic with my message, but it was quite obvious I was a little concerned. And the kicker: IF SHE HAD THE TIME TO WRITE THIS....
So I leave a message on all of her phones and I'm obviously angry. I'm not yelling, I'm slowly stating: "Why on earth wouldn't you call me...". Just completely at a loss for words. Another day completely wasted. And then at 8 PM she gets back online. Here...we...go:
Charlotte signed on at 8:08:21 PM.
Adam4tvs: ...
Charlotte: hold on I am listing to your message on my cel phone
Adam4tvs: ?
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: CALL
Adam4tvs: that pretty much covers it all freakin day
Charlotte: ok, we are definitely having some commuication problems...and if I were not at my moms right now, I would call, but I know we will get a bit loud with each other
First thing in my head? How the FUCK could she be loud at me?! Where is the WEEE in this comment? What could I have done to get yelled at?
Adam4tvs: your lack of respect for my time is bordering on psychotic
Charlotte: and she will ask what the hell is going on and so I will try to address your emaila and my im here if that's ok
Adam4tvs: yup
Charlotte: first off when you asked me what my plans we for today, I specifically said to you I had no plans...if the intention was to set concrete plans to meet with you, I would have done so..I did not want to set another time and then have to cancel again becasue I was not feeling well
Adam4tvs: would it not be your intention to meet with me on a day when you had no plans, when for over a week you've been unable to?
Charlotte: my intention was to get better so as not to waste a full week of work...which is what I have been trying to do all day today
Adam4tvs: THEN TELL ME
Adam4tvs: have some respect for someone who has wasted day after day, week after week, simply waiting for a call
Adam4tvs: turning down invitations to see a certain football game today
Adam4tvs: because i had to WAIT for that call
Charlotte: secondly, your message earlier in the day saying "are you alive or did you fall in the tub again" was not taken well...as if to say, hey unless your really badly hurt you should not cancel with me
Adam4tvs: unless you're badly hurt - you should call
Adam4tvs: especially considering what's happened between us the past 5 or 6 times we planned to meet
Feel free to scroll up and see her response to my bathtub comment. Did it seem like it "was not taken well"?? In fact, I felt she took it TOO WELL. She should've realized I needed to hear from her.
Charlotte: and quite frankly that is not up to you to decide...you are free not to like it, but it is up to me to judge how I feel. I am not so sick that I need to be peeled of the floor, but it's not like we would be meeting to do mindless work....I don't know about you but when I am conjested, I cannot concentrate
Adam4tvs: then call
Adam4tvs: i'm not judging how you feel
Adam4tvs: i'm asking for considertaion
If I could only remember what I wrote and then erased here. GODDAMN I was pissed. I couldn't believe she was turning THIS into my fault. LOL. "you are free not to like it, but it is up to me to judge how I feel" - WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? ROFL! I'm just asking her to call me!
Charlotte: For example, yesterday when you called and I was in the car driving to my office I didn;t even realize how far or rather close I was, and then when I did, I turn onto the wrong damn street into a dead end
Adam4tvs: you however are trying so hard right now to be right - you can't even see what I'm saying
Does she not see how pathetic she is? How amazingly juvenile she is? Does she think she's pulling some cool psychology trick by making HER look like the victim? As if somehow it's my fault she turned on the wrong street because I CALLED HER?!?! KOO-KOO. KOO-KOO.
Charlotte: and finally, it;s hard enough communicating on creative stuff when we are both feeling well, but to do it when either of us, or both are sick and cranky....no thank u...case in point how I feel writing this im and how your messages on my cell phone sound...pissy
Adam4tvs: you're amazing. I'm asking you to call and say you don't feel well
Adam4tvs: that would take 5 seconds out of your day
Adam4tvs: and keep me from wasting 12 hours of mine
Adam4tvs: but somehow it's my fault you didn't call because I'd be pissy
Adam4tvs: lol
Charlotte: I am sorry you turned down invitations to see a game, but that was becuase YOU expected to meet...not becuase we set another time to meet....
Adam4tvs: heh
Adam4tvs: lol
Adam4tvs: wow
Adam4tvs: You really believe you're right here...
Adam4tvs: In your heart you think there was no reason to call me and say you didn't feel well
Charlotte: and there is no winning with you...if I had set a time to meet today and then would have to cancel, you would be pissed as well....and pyschotic????? give me a break, let's not get into who has respect for whose time...pot calling kettle black here
These three messages are a little scary. It's at this point I realized she fully believes herself. She actually thinks: "There's no winning with you" - That comment almost made me punch the monitor. Especially since EVERY SINGLE TIME SHE CANCELLED - I was nice. I was understanding. I was never rude. I was always cool. I never ONCE said a shitty thing to her after being fucked 5 times.
Adam4tvs: after all that's been said the past week...
Adam4tvs: have i been pissed once this past week?
Adam4tvs: I've understood everything
Adam4tvs: been excited for you pitch
Adam4tvs: hoped you felt better
Adam4tvs: understanding of long meetings
Charlotte: honestly, I would have called you back after you first vocemail on my cell phone if it was just a plain message, but the bath tub comment and the tone just pissed me off
Adam4tvs: ahhh
Adam4tvs: ok
Yeah, that's sarcasm on my part. heh.
Charlotte: hence me im back to you that said no I am dead, this time bath tub fell on me
Charlotte: that should have indicated to you that I did not appreciate such a comment and actually, more the tone than even the comment itself, which if said with a different tone might have made me laugh
How the FUCK does she get off saying that this comment...
Charlotte: No, I am not alive....this time the bath tub fell on me!
...should indicate to me that she did not appreciate my voicemail. She's so fucking full of shit, that it's now backing up. And honestly, this comment shows how little respect she has for my intelligence.
Adam4tvs: what time was the bathtub comment left?
Charlotte: side note...don't forget to watch It factor at 9 on bravo
Adam4tvs: if memory serves it was around 5 pm
Adam4tvs: it may have been my 4the message
Adam4tvs: And this was the 6th day that we were thinking of meeting
Charlotte: NOOOOOOO, I listened to the messafe after I woke up and that was arounf 1
Adam4tvs: I left a message at 11:30
Adam4tvs: 12:30
Adam4tvs: 5
Adam4tvs: and 6:30
Charlotte: my cell phone did not have 4 message...you must have left some at home
Adam4tvs: i did!
Adam4tvs: and at the office!
Adam4tvs: Yet nothing from you
Charlotte: which I haven't even checked
Charlotte: I couldn't sleep all night and then this morning the brazillian neighbors started drumming around 9 so i went to my mom's house to get some sleep
The victim strikes once again...
Adam4tvs: lol - that's actually funny
Charlotte: because after you first meassage I was pissed off
Charlotte: no that's not.
Adam4tvs: and I'm most certain tha tmy first messages did not mention a bathtub
Adam4tvs: it was once i thought the only reason you would POSSIBLY have for not calling me was you were hurt
Adam4tvs: I was wrong
Adam4tvs: heh
Adam4tvs: But I will not continue this argument
Adam4tvs: What's next
Charlotte: your first message may have been at home, but the first one I heard was on the cell and re: bath tub
Adam4tvs: yeah that was round 2 for me...
Adam4tvs: but again
Adam4tvs: this is well past the point of productive - what's next
Charlotte: ughhhhhhhh....next...well we WILL meet tomorrow -2:30 is better for me, as I have a lunch at 1
Knowing what's happened the past 5 times we tried to meet....how would you respond to this? I sat for about 45 seconds...
Adam4tvs: ok
Charlotte: but so you know, we will have to be done by 7:30 because I have a tracking dinner at 8 that I can;t get out of
Adam4tvs: ????
Adam4tvs: holy horseshit - 5 hours?
Adam4tvs: what is it we're going over again?
Adam4tvs: A writing meeting correct?
Charlotte: ok, I sense another another issue...yesssss writing meeting
You know what really kills me here? The "yessss". As if to say "You fucking dumbass - of COURSE". How I contained myself is quite impressive. Good thing we weren't on the phone.
Adam4tvs: No issue - I just had no clue you were allowing for so much time
Charlotte: I figure we would take the first hour up with getting things out and in a good mood, then go over the outline for a BIble, then go over the ideas about the show ideas
Adam4tvs: LOL
Adam4tvs: ok
Adam4tvs: heh
Adam4tvs: sounds good.
Adam4tvs: do i need to call you tomorrow?
Adam4tvs: or should I just be there at 2:30...
Charlotte: what did you expect to happen..brb, mom and my sister arguing loudly...rarely hapens....NOOOOO, just be there are 2:30
Adam4tvs: ok
Adam4tvs: then go ahead...
Adam4tvs: and I'll talk to you tomorrow..
Charlotte: no i am back, I just misheard
Charlotte: herd
Adam4tvs: you were right the first time
Adam4tvs: heh
Charlotte: ha ha, I noticed after I typed, so you tell me, what did you expect to happen in these meetings
Adam4tvs: the same thing
Adam4tvs: just again - didn't think it would take 5 hours
Adam4tvs: but I'm not bitching - just trying to sincerely show suprise
Adam4tvs: and it's not coming across too well...
Charlotte: well I don;t think all the meeting will be 4 hours , but being that;s it the first with writing and having missed several meeting, five hours would be just abut right
Adam4tvs: ok
Adam4tvs: that sounds good...
Adam4tvs: I will be there with bells on
Charlotte: ok, well see you tomorrow then...I am now loggin off
Charlotte signed off at 8:46:25 PM.
So what would you do? Would you go? Of course I will...and then I'll go by myself to the Improv to see the space. Why? Only because she told me so. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason at this point, but she says I should. And that is why I'll do everything from now on. All the while knowing this is completely temporary and the second I have an out - I'm gone. Welcome to Los Angeles. The place where the only way you can get ahead is use people like they use you. Turns my fuckin' stomach. I truly hope I will run into people in the future aren't like this.
But GOD LOVE the music - huh?!?! I feel so bad, but I can't write a song for Jessica to save my life!!! LOL!!! She's so fucking wonderful! But when life sucks - it POURS OUT. I will easily have 5-6 songs written in this week alone. This is a bit of a "Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds" ripoff - but it's nice...
As for Charlotte, it's obvious her insecurities about being a woman in this industry are MUCH worse than I ever thought. Her obsession to ALWAYS be right, when she's obviously caught, really shows her mental instability. I mean we all think we're right to some extent, and fight for our side - but this is just nuts. This is Brian and the DVD last year nuts (oooooh cool, I can say his name now!!). Man, what WILL tomorrow bring...
original video file