ENTRY #179
This Entry was locked until January 1st, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
11:34 AM, Friday, February 22nd, 2002:
Hey there, Hi there, Ho there. Adam's in a good mood. Amazing ain't it.
That's how I started my last entry. That was before the call to Charlotte. Amazingly, although the call ended cordially - as I reiterated what happened in the call to Jessica I realized I was hoodwinked again. By the end of the night, I took 2 vicodin (1500 mg) just to calm the uncontrollable RAGE inside of me. I didn't want to YELL at Jessica about stupid things when it was all Charlotte's doing. Unfortunately in order to explain all of this I have to explain Charlotte's call and everything leading up to it. Ugh. I dread this soooooooo much.
The phone call started off with her telling me I looked awkward and stiff in front of the camera on the tape that I made for the pilot. I was going to say nothing, as I didn't want to be defesnive about it, but there was a pause indicating she wanted response. I tried to explain that that was the direction given in the sides. Be awkward and stiff. Didn't know any other way to play it, other than be an "unsure, nervous looking, awkward" teenager. She then went on to tell me that I should never have slated it in my normal voice, that I should've kept my 17 year old voice. That I blocked it incorrectly, and that Paddy should never have been in one of the shots. Then finally said that Jessica looked the most natural of all of us.
How I didn't just hang up the phone right then is beyond me. It's not that I'm sensitive to criticism, but I first of all I don't believe she read the scripts. She brought up timing in one of the scenes and, had she been reading along, she would've realized that we were pausing for sfx and other things we were just supposed to pantomime and so forth. As far as being awkward and stiff - FUCK YOU Charlotte. Have enough sense to realize that this is the same person you thought did wonderful as the 4 TV Trinitrons. Obviously I was trying to follow the direction of being "awkward and stiff" and it wasn't my ACTING skill. And as far as the slating (which I didn't even know WAS until you told me to just say my name and what I'm doing), and the blocking, and the shots - if it's that fucking important - why don't you come by?!?! HUH?! Or at least tell me ahead of time. What kind of manager are you? Wow this has most certainly changed to 1st person hasn't it. Oh well, I'll run with it. You didn't prepare me well enough, and then decided to tell me how much you know about everything. And what on earth would possibly make you feel the need to make the Jessica comment? Even Jessica wanted to slap you when I told her that. Her line was ALL personality. In fact I'm the one who told her how to say it... mine were all under the guise of being awkward, and unsure, and stiff as a 17 year old. So who's gonna look more natural? You're a complete MORON Charlotte. And did you realize the lines I chaged to ADD personality? No, because you didn't READ anything. You're quite adept at stripping every ounce of confidence I've ever had in myself. Nice management skills.
So we then move onto the sitcom script - oh not before I could get a "What about the Warner Bros. guy" in. And she said she can't call him with a date for a show because she doesn't have a date. I would say why, but I know why. As she's said a few days earlier she spends 4 to 5 hours a day going through breakdowns for me because it's pilot season. When would she have time with everything else she's doing? Of course this certainly asks the question: "WHAT'S PRIORITY HERE?" - And of course, hmmmm would it be that my earlier worries about her "CHANGING MY PATH, GOALS, TIGHTROPE" all of that - were dead on.?!?! Was I right in early December? Yup. The Trinitrons are dead. I am now just an actor to her. But I digress.
She sent me about 12 "suggestions" for the beatsheet an hour before the phone call. She was supposed to send me a completed beatsheet (in-depth outline of entire pilot) a week ago. Which I was going to take and add some of my thoughts and be ready for the meeting today. So obviously in an hour what can I do? I asked her this, and somehow backed out of directly accusing her of not doing what she said she would do (that came later). Her first idea completely threw me off because it made no sense. We had an idea of a neighbor kid like Seth Green who HATED boy bands. He'd always come over and make fun of them. He actually did like the guys themselves, but loved poking fun at their past heights of boy bandom. She then says the pilot would start with this neighbor kid and the decorator in the house before the boys get there. She thinks he's one of the boy band members and he offers suggestions on how to decorate. She says this is to set up how really well he knows the band.
How did he get into the house? Why does he know the band? Is he being deceitful to the decorator to "fuck" with the boys? That's kind of funny, but to say that he knows them so well. She says this is because he eventually wants to take over the manager's job...right? WHAT???!?! All tihs is news to me, and I'm completely lost on what the hell she's talking about. I stop nagging after awhile, because it's obvious I'll get nowhere. Her retort of "Well he watches MTV - THAT'S why he knows about them even if he hates boybands" was pretty much the clincher there. That's such stupid reasoning, I can't compete.
So we move on to another idea. She now wants all the members on the screen at the same time via split-screen conference call at the beginning. Completely destroying what I thought was the charm of the outline:  showing everyone individually in their own space at the beginning, and then when they come together it creates more of an identity for the band on top of which, you never really show how similar the guys look. This isn't the klumps with a lot of make-up. On close examination you'll see that it's the same person no matter what. But if we establish them on their own, in their environment right away - that helps. But showing them all on a FACING camera split screen with a conference call - oh JESUS is that a bad idea. Of course I say all of this, and she has a defence for everything. It's faster this way, cheaper this way...beasically her idea is right. So we move on.
Then she asks me to read everything and call her back because it's soooooo jumbled and you have to read it all to understand. I do, and still don't understand most of it. I call back and ask her why she didn't just write the beat sheet. It seems she has enough material here to do so, why is it all out of order. "A beat sheet would've overwhelmed you" - Ahhhh, I see, once again it's my shortcoming. Always amazed at how she makes her deficiencies mine...great management skill there - LOL. I explain at this point that I'm not sure how to say anything to her and get anywhere. For example another idea had G being the cook (though I had already established that Spencer would be the one who likes to cook and is addicted to food tv), but having G offer to cook for all the boys at the end of the show, but they opt for cereal. I had already established that there would be a fight in act 2 leading to all the doors being slammed shut. That to start the last part, we'd see G and Adam walk into the kitchen....in fact here:
We see ADAM and GARY enter the kitchen from opposite ends at the same time. GARY scowls a bit and proceeds to take out a box of cocoa puffs and a bowl.
Gimme some.
GARY glares at him and takes out a much smaller bowl.
I want THAT bowl (pointing to Gary's).
Oh DO you. (BEAT) Take it.
ADAM goes to grab it as GARY takes out a SERVING bowl, pours ALL the cereal into it and smiles.
ADAM just sighs. GARY grabs the milk and is about to pour, but shakes his head, grabs ADAM's bowl and scoups out some for him. GARY pours milk in both (quite a bit of milk for his bowl) and they begin to eat as Dewey comes in.
Alright, this sets up a bunch. It keeps the ongoing rivalry between Adam and G going. They haven't talked the entire episode...but by Gary doing something "semi-nice" for Adam it sets up what is to be the last scene where all the boys talk about their situation over cereal and we see that they really do all care about each other. They have pasts together, and even though they had grown apart and lived seperately for many years, that coming together isn't the WORST thing that could happen. They enjoy each other's company and will fight as a team. Gary and Adam don't talk - but they're not enemies.
By Charlotte writing this:
During the last scene he offers to cook the boys a midnight snack, but instead they all opt for cereal.
To me says, she didn't like my idea - rewrote it and presented it this way. So how do approach her? I did ask her about this and she said she wasn't even thinking about what I had written. Ok, how should I take that? That she is disregarding what I wrote? But before I even said that we argued for 60 minutes (an hour to most people-lol) about how I cannot dislike her ideas. It's impossible for me to say "no" to her. I mean I can say it but she'll always win out. Like this end scene for example. I like mine better. Period. I love the bowl scene. I think it's funny, and I think in a nice tiny fast action it sets up that they have or had a relationship in the past. Him offering to make dinner for everyone and they opt for cereal, first of all is completely out of character for him, and as well this implies that they're together when he says this...when I thought we'd established that they were not speaking to each other, and then slowly trickle in at night 'cause the're hungry and one by one come down until we see all 5 of them eating cereal and starting to come together as a group. But forget all of that, what do I do? What do I say. She will always win. I can tell her that I don't like changing my ending, and WHY I don't like it - but my opinion mean shit unless she agrees with it. If I bring up a point she respects, and SHE likes it, then it's ok. But there is NO give and take.
Just like in The Trinitrons, there's about 5 or 6 jokes and ideas I DO NOT LIKE. But for the betterment of the show, I agreed to get it done. In the long run the show is great and the little things don't matter. But is there any vice-versa there? Did we ever once go with an idea she didn't like? HELL NO. If I tried to win that battle there'd be no show.
Of course she turns this around on me and how I won't let her defend herself, yet I want her to. It goes on and on and on. We talked and yelled for 3 hours. And it's everything...her not booking a goddamn show - but I'm not joining any theatre groups am I?!?! Can't you see Charlotte, I'm trying my DAMNDEST to hold onto The Trinitrons, and every step I take puts them further and further into the grave. You've already stopped booking them, and put all your efforts into me as an actor...what's next? And the other thing, I don't believe you. I don't believe in you. All faith is gone. You've lied, and twisted, and manipulated all in an effort to show you're right. That is the ultimate bottom line. And the worst is that you've stripped every ounce of faith I had in myself. All of it. From acting, to singing, to being funny, to performing. I don't believe in myself at all.
Anyway, we ended the coversation cordially - though I have no idea where we stand. I started to explain to Jessica and I just lost it. The rage is just too much. So we went to get her some dinner, and it kept building and building. I'm SOOO trapped here. Charlotte gave my tape to a judge for the Chicago Comedy Festival. We'll find out in mid-April. Do I want to lose that? We were gonna try and book a show in New York and Columbus to make it worth the trip. That'd be AWESOME. I want that SOOO MUCH. And of course Montreal in May and June. I can't drop her now can I? As well what if it all comes down to acting anyway. What if every manger tells me that's my strongsuit and should follow it? Then I should've just let her be my manager and give out my headshots and resumes - why nix that all right now? And I sure would LIKE some of those headshots. I gotta get those before this is all over. Ugh.
And finally - JOY. Happiness. Where is this... I've been so suicidal recently as I talked about in the 2-9-02 entry. The vicodin in my mind is better than what I WANT to do. Unfortunately I scared the hell out of Jessica and I feel wretched about it. Jess told me something that left out some tiny piece of information that was crucial to me understanding what she was talking about. It was a minor thing but it mirrored what Charlotte did to me ALL DAY. Assuming I know this, and this, and this. And then being pissy when I haven't the slightest idea what she's talking about. Well I was quick tempered with Jess about it - but immediately understood what was happening. And for the first time drew connections between Charlotte and how she's fucking up my entire psyche. Jess left to get the laundry, and I just lost it. I was sooooo angry and distraught with Charlotte and so out of control. I took 2 vicodin just so I wouldn't do any harm. I knew it would calm my body WAY down. I felt I had to mention this to Jess, and doing so really shook her up. I also mentioned that in the last three months I had taken 1 pill maybe 3 times. Not a huge deal, but still - taking anything to escape reality is bad. Really bad.
What this did do of course was allow me to talk to Jess about everything and what we need to do to get past this. We both agreed dropping Charlotte now would just be stupid. We should at LEAST try to get the Chicago Festival and go from there. What is important is finding something to keep me ALIVE in the meantime. Something that'll make me smile again. Something that'll make feel like I'm human. Everyone says a job, but a job outside of this industry would completely make me nuts right now. Talk about wasting time. As well I do NOT want to join a theatre group and hang around other actors. The thought makes my skin crawl right now. It just isn't me - PERIOD. This is what I'm dealing with now though. This is what I must find.
Locked again.
original video file