ENTRY #182
This Entry was locked until January 1st, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
12:27 AM, Tuesday, March 5th, 2002:
As depression eats further and further into my soul, I find myself staring into the mirror and searching for anything.
Suicide no longer scares me. It seems as inevitable as anything anymore. I've spent the better part of a year ignoring all rational thought, so something as irrational as suicide doesn't even phase me. I'm truly not half the man I used to be. I feel like a stranger in my own head. I am constantly amazed at just how much lower I can sink. Every day gets worse. Man...I would love to take 2 more vicodin right now. The way it attacks you and forces you to sleep is the most attractive thing in the world to me right now. Forced happiness. Stopping my mind from wondering. Fixing the hole. The one thing I've valued most in my life, my intelligence, is exactly what's putting me over the edge.
It's so consuming. I comprehend Cobain now. When you lose all control of your life, there is just no way out. Kurt was well aware of how his one action would cement his name, and stop his pain. He took it. I'm fucked though, I'm nobody. All I am is in these entries, and even that is locked away.
THe ultimate is that absolutely no one will understand this. No one will think I was justified. I don't want that, I know that's impossible. I also know that I'm a head case. I know logically there is no reason to ever kill yourself. Unfortunately I can't find a reason to live. My god...I actually need to be put away for awhile. I need to be put in a hospital.
I hurt so bad. I have lost all faith in myself and my abilities. I need so badly to get rid of Charlotte. I need SO BADLY to never speak to her again. I'd rather go to a cookout with Shane, Gary and Brian than even look at her. After we find out about Chicago. After Chicago, after Chicago. If I can just hang on there's a chance I'll make it. If Chicago doesn't happen, I will get all my headshots, get in my car and drive to Columbus and do a show.
Who am I kidding. If it wasn't for Jessica coming home every day I'd have overdosed by now. I can't drive across the country alone. I'll never make it. Dear GOD I'm so lost. So dead. Where did Jess put those last 5 pills. It's gonna force me to take something else - and then take too much to compensate. I know exactly what 2 vicodin will do to me, she never should've hid those - or thrown those out. I'm in no state to rationally medicate myself with what pills we have in the house.
Whew, I found 'em. Heh - in her purse. That took me all of 20 seconds to think where she probably put those. I know she's gonna find out and it's going to break her heart. I can't stop breaking her heart. I love her so much. But I'm to the point where I'll lie to her face. I'm so low that I barely care enough to wake-up. She's gonna see there's 3 in there and she's gonna lose it at work...maybe it'll happen tomorrow.
Jessica, if you're reading this - I love you. It kills me to hurt you like this. Don't you ever feel responsible for what I do to myself. I'm sick, you're not. Hopefully I've instilled confidence in you that will last a lifetime. You are amazing and have so much to be proud of...
JESUS CHRIST I'm writin this as if I'm gone. If I don't get help soon - it's all over. Wow - 10 minutes and the vicodin's already kickin' in.
How the hell is this going to end. What will everyone think. And will this song be the spookiest goddamn thing on the planet if I go through with this...
Jesus I'm sick.
original video file
MARCH 2002