As depression eats
further and further into my soul, I find myself
staring into the mirror and searching for anything.
Suicide no longer
scares me. It seems as inevitable as anything anymore.
I've spent the better part of a year ignoring all
rational thought, so something as irrational as
suicide doesn't even phase me. I'm truly not half the
man I used to be. I feel like a stranger in my own
head. I am constantly amazed at just how much lower I
can sink. Every day gets worse. Man...I would love to
take 2 more vicodin right now. The way it attacks you
and forces you to sleep is the most attractive thing
in the world to me right now. Forced happiness.
Stopping my mind from wondering. Fixing the hole. The
one thing I've valued most in my life, my
intelligence, is exactly what's putting me over the
It's so consuming.
I comprehend Cobain now. When you lose all control of
your life, there is just no way out. Kurt was well
aware of how his one action would cement his name, and
stop his pain. He took it. I'm fucked though, I'm
nobody. All I am is in these entries, and even that is
THe ultimate is
that absolutely no one will understand this. No one
will think I was justified. I don't want that, I know
that's impossible. I also know that I'm a head
case. I know logically there is no reason to ever kill
yourself. Unfortunately I can't find a reason to live.
My god...I actually need to be put away for
awhile. I need to be put in a hospital.
I hurt so bad. I
have lost all faith in myself and my abilities. I need
so badly to get rid of Charlotte. I need SO BADLY
to never speak to her again. I'd rather go to a
cookout with Shane, Gary and Brian than even look at
her. After we find out about Chicago. After Chicago,
after Chicago. If I can just hang on there's a chance
I'll make it. If Chicago doesn't happen, I will get
all my headshots, get in my car and drive to Columbus
and do a show.
Who am I kidding.
If it wasn't for Jessica coming home every day I'd
have overdosed by now. I can't drive across the
country alone. I'll never make it. Dear GOD I'm so
lost. So dead. Where did Jess put those last 5 pills.
It's gonna force me to take something else - and then
take too much to compensate. I know exactly what 2
vicodin will do to me, she never should've hid those -
or thrown those out. I'm in no state to rationally
medicate myself with what pills we have in the
Whew, I found 'em.
Heh - in her purse. That took me all of 20 seconds to
think where she probably put those. I know she's gonna
find out and it's going to break her heart. I can't
stop breaking her heart. I love her so much. But I'm
to the point where I'll lie to her face. I'm so low
that I barely care enough to wake-up. She's gonna see
there's 3 in there and she's gonna lose it at
work...maybe it'll happen tomorrow.
Jessica, if you're
reading this - I love you. It kills me to hurt you
like this. Don't you ever feel responsible for what I
do to myself. I'm sick, you're not. Hopefully I've
instilled confidence in you that will last a lifetime.
You are amazing and have so much to be proud
JESUS CHRIST I'm
writin this as if I'm gone. If I don't get help soon -
it's all over. Wow - 10 minutes and the vicodin's
already kickin' in.
the hell is this going to end. What will
everyone think. And will this
be the spookiest goddamn thing on the
planet if I go through with