ENTRY #171
This Entry was locked until January 1st, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
3:17 AM, Sunday, January 27th, 2002:
I write this entry with the absolute understanding that it'll most likely NEVER be posted. That fact depresses the hell out of me. What I'm about to say is not said without thought though. It's not as if this is a free-form entry because I know it' not going to be read - I think you'll find everything said is quite fair, quite logical, and quite without bias. Funny - I still write as if someone's reading it. I'm so in that mode aren't I... Alright.
A true judge of character is always best when in bad times. I'm sure even Hitler was "swell" on a good day. It's with this understanding that I've watched the transformation of Charlotte the past 2 months. Though I must admit the original writing process with her gave me quite an unbiased vision of who she was. At the time I simply thought it was a lack of respect for my talents on her part. I hadn't proven myself yet. She ALWAYS got her way on every disagreement on the script - and I didn't really put up too much of a fight. I figured she knew what she was talking about. Looking back on it now, I'm a bit irked I didn't stick to my guns. I still like Live Adam as the "just trying to get through the show" character as opposed to the asshole he is now. Moreso because there is nothing I can do as an actor to really show his arrogance. It wasn't written that way - and I feel the act would've worked so much better with the "man vs. machine" theme I had originally intended it...
But in the end - that really didn't matter as the show turned out fine. This was really just a foreshadowing of things to come. And everything was relatively smooth until a certain comment. This comment took me by suprise to such an extent, that even now I'm amazed she had the balls to say it.
"You had your expectations too high..."
After not getting into Aspen she had the audacity to say this to me. She singlehandedly had to TALK ME into every expectation I had. I fought it every step of the way but after MONTHS of her telling me these things were gonna happen - I gave in. I believed...and now it's my fault? I didn't even know what the terms MEANT before her - and now that I believed in them it was my fault?
I let this one go. Charlotte has always had a "I must prove myself to everyone and never look wrong" attitude. It's something I kind've like in a manager. The constant fight. Unfortunately her obsessiveness to be right began to permeate uncontrollably after Aspen.
We all remember the great Paramount Meeting right? What was never said was how much I downplayed the DISASTER it was. Helen was none-to-happy that we didn't have a resume ready. I had NO FUCKING CLUE about this. She understood that we didn't have the headshots done, but said we "could at LEAST have a resume for her". And I had to sit there befuddled. What kills me is I had all the time in the world to prepare a resume. ALL THE TIME. Had no clue. When I mentioned this to Charlotte she downplayed it as no big deal. Then here's the kicker: She tells me that because I said the meeting went well other than that - I should get callbacks from her for pilots. And if I don't - that we'll know the meeting didn't go well. Somehow turning it all on me. It will be my fault if this lady doesn't just remember me. (sigh)
And speaking of my fault. Why the fuck didn't I take the initiative to develop characters in a theatre group in July or August or September of last year!?!? Charlotte had the audacity to say to me that it's my fault for not taking the initiative to do these things last year. LOL. Does she not realize who she's talking to? I called this womand about 10 times a week in August and September BEGGING her for anything to do. I offered to make FUCKING COPIES at her office - or run tapes here and there because she was spending money messengering them around town. ANYTHING to help. What can I do?!? Her response when I tell her this now? I shouldn't have to tell you what to do. You should take the initiative to find OUT what to do. Ahh... Great management skills honey.
And going back to the Paramount meeting. So Helen gave the tape to the VP of Comedy Development: Rose-Catherine Pinckney. This at the time was a good thing. Charlotte said she'd be in contact with her to set-up a meeting.
Of course a month later Charlotte says: "Of course we can't have a meeting with her now...you haven't written the Pilot, the 2nd Episode, 10 outlines for future episodes and 3 other tv show ideas that you would star in for a development deal."
Excuse me? I was under the impression that this is what you do DURING a development deal. I was taking the INITIATIVE to START the pilot now, but this wasn't mandatory. Well now it is. So it's my fault that we're not having a meeting with her. Ahhh...OK.
Or take this most recent show. She didn't bother to invite ANY industry people because she thought the 40 seat venue was too small. This attitude fucking floors me. But oh well - this was a showcase for a talent Agency - and that was reason enough to play it. But wait - this wasn't the case. It happens to be that all this was an assistant from the agency calling Charlotte to say they were gonna go see this one comic there. That's it. So Charlotte set-it up thinking they'd just happen to stick around and see me too. But the comic happened to call the agency that day and say he didn't want them to come to that show - so they didn't. I blew the entire fucking night for nothing. Completely wasted. Did Charlotte once say she was sorry? That maybe she made a mistake? Nah - she blamed it on the comic. Very nice - have your show dependent on someone you've never met.
Here's a quick clip of the delayed reaction... I don't fault the audience really. In the setting this was displayed in, you could sense no rhythm on when the end was "the end". I assume most people were thinking: "When the fuck is this over?" (Sigh)...
What about touring with Bobcat...oh, well the opening act has to be 60 minutes - I'm too short. !?!?! Uhm, you didn't bother to get this information earlier? Or, not only that - to ask about that to begin with?!!? That was always the FIRST FUCKING thing I talked about with owners and bookers was the time I was needed to play. (sigh)
Chris Tucker, the Ha-Ha? Of course not. She didn't bother to ask who booked that night and assumed the owner could force me onstage even though someone else rents the room. Great Charlotte.
And when you look at it, the 3 shows Charlotte has booked (yes - FUCKING 3 shows she booked since this was completed in August), they've done nothing. No one showed up to any of them. She played a little song and dance each night wondering where these people were when they PROMISED they'd be there. Mhmmm. All her shows. Of course at The Comedy Store (a real venue-lol) she did get 3 people there - but it meant nothing. As the only meeting we got was for paramount and well - we all know how that turned out.
But the ultimate killer in all this - is her absolute refusal to admit things are different since Aspen. That of course this is exactly what we'd be doing had we gotten into Aspen...that I'm melodramatic about the "turning me into an actor" feeling I'm getting....ahh but wait!
At the last show she pulls me aside and said: "The plan is to not have to do this very many more times. Once you get a few pilots and get your face in front of some casting directors, we won't have to set-up shows for them to come to."
And that's where the shit hits the fan folks. Obviously she wants me as an actor first - and everything else second. That will round out her "company" a bit better. ANd it will make it easier for her - as i'll be the one going on all the auditions and she won't have to set up the shows. And furthermore - when I fail, and DON'T get a pilot (which is the absolute JACKPOT for a SEASONED actor out here) - when this doesn't happen - it'll be my fault. Trinitrons will fade, and I will be actor-boy.
But of course, nothing's changed really. LOL.
I'm not laughing. What kills me is the absolute need to be right. Always. Here's one scary ass example that showed once and for all that this is probably someone I wouldn't want to be involved with.
I have (had) this little beatles cube. It's 4 blocks with some strange fishwire configuration and you move it in a pattern and it reveals Beatles albums. I've had it for a little over a year. Great fun to play with. She picks it up while talking to me and Marshall in my apartment. She moved a block a wrong way and somehow (she must've been bendin' this bitch HARD) she ripped it. And didn't notice even THAT - and proceeded to dismantle this bitch. It was OBVIOUSLY broken but she kept goin. I didn't see this, but Marshall asked her what was up - and she said: "It was always like this". He started to laugh as did I and she got incredibly defensive. I finally just said: "I was handling it today and it was fine, it was NOT like that" and left it. But she adds:  "And one side here is blank". as if to add how broken this was that not only was the sticker ripped before she got it but an entire album was gone.
"It's the white album Charlotte"
"It's the white album"
She wasn't jokin' folks. She was goin' NUTS. She couldn't even handle being wrong about a fucking album cover. She had to prove to me that it was GREY. I looked at her in utter amazement. I was shocked at her behavior so much that thinking back on it now - I have to wonder if something snapped. Marshall just said "You guys have some issues..." and walked out. Talking to him later he thought that was how we always were and I said:  "I have NEVER seen that." There's just no way to describe how PSYCHO she was at that moment. It was the perfect example of "HAS, TO, BE, RIGHT, ALWAYS." Funny thing is - she always mentions that Marshall is this way. And to a MUCH lesser degree he is...and hell - SO AM I. But I know I am. And BELIEVE you me I've learned how to give in. Over, and over, and over. LOL.
Ok, so now what. That's the beautiful kicker. What do I do now. I can't break things off. I know exactly what would happen. She'd put some legal injunction against me ever playing The Trinitrons in public without her permission. Somehow she'd pull that off - and bascially kill a year of my life. So I obviously keep this from her. I just keep on writing, keep on following her lead. I do everything I can to be non-confrontational. I accept every bit of blame. I allow her to tell me how all the happenings are my fault, and I just smile - smile - smile. Because there's a slight chance I hit the jackpot and pull off some big acting gigs. When she is obsessive about being right...I just smile, shake my head, and say "yes Charlotte". If I think I'm this great actor - this is what I'll do. Play along. It is in my best interest to do so. Hold my cards CLOSE to my chest. They will be played at some point.
And I'm not at ALL saying that I get a break and I drop her. Absolutely not. I honestly think there's a level of respect that I could get that could change our relationship. I'll just wait and see about that. I have a feeling though it's simply because she is SOOOOOOO INSANELY INSECURE about herself that this happens. She can't for one second look bad or she loses it. Dear GOD the phone call I got from her after some of the entries this month. Some of the TAMEST entries about her on the planet.
So this entry is locked. OH SO Locked. The only way this puppy is opened is if Charlotte and I are no more...and even then (for legal reasons) it may have to be highly edited. But it is a MAJOR, MAJOR part of "The Journey" and frankly I was fucking sick of glossing over my feelings for the past 2 months. For the first time I basically had to lie.
And that is NOT what this is about. So even if it ain't all opened now, at some point the entire story is out there. Let's just hope this entry becomes a relic of a bad period in our relationship - and not a prediction of disaster. You read it, what do you think?
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