I write this entry
with the absolute understanding that it'll most likely
NEVER be posted. That fact depresses the hell out of
me. What I'm about to say is not said without thought
though. It's not as if this is a free-form entry
because I know it' not going to be read -
I think you'll find everything said is quite
fair, quite logical, and quite without bias. Funny -
I still write as if someone's reading it. I'm so
in that mode aren't I... Alright.
A true judge of
character is always best when in bad times. I'm sure
even Hitler was "swell" on a good day. It's with this
understanding that I've watched the transformation of
Charlotte the past 2 months. Though I must admit the
original writing process with her gave me quite an
unbiased vision of who she was. At the time I simply
thought it was a lack of respect for my talents on her
part. I hadn't proven myself yet. She ALWAYS got her
way on every disagreement on the script - and
I didn't really put up too much of a fight. I
figured she knew what she was talking about. Looking
back on it now, I'm a bit irked I didn't stick to
my guns. I still like Live Adam as the "just
trying to get through the show" character as opposed
to the asshole he is now. Moreso because there is
nothing I can do as an actor to really show his
arrogance. It wasn't written that way - and I feel the
act would've worked so much better with the "man vs.
machine" theme I had originally intended
it...
But in the end -
that really didn't matter as the show turned out fine.
This was really just a foreshadowing of things to
come. And everything was relatively smooth until a
certain comment. This comment took me by suprise to
such an extent, that even now I'm amazed she had the
balls to say it.
"You had your
expectations too high..."
After not getting
into Aspen she had the audacity to say this to me. She
singlehandedly had to TALK ME into every
expectation I had. I fought it every step of the way
but after MONTHS of her telling me these things
were gonna happen - I gave in. I believed...and
now it's my fault? I didn't even know what the terms
MEANT before her - and now that I believed in them it
was my fault?
I let this one go.
Charlotte has always had a "I must prove myself to
everyone and never look wrong" attitude. It's
something I kind've like in a manager. The
constant fight. Unfortunately her obsessiveness to be
right began to permeate uncontrollably after
Aspen.
We all remember
the great Paramount Meeting right? What was never said
was how much I downplayed the DISASTER it was.
Helen was none-to-happy that we didn't have a resume
ready. I had NO FUCKING CLUE about this. She
understood that we didn't have the headshots done, but
said we "could at LEAST have a resume for her". And
I had to sit there befuddled. What kills me is I
had all the time in the world to prepare a resume.
ALL THE TIME. Had no clue. When I mentioned
this to Charlotte she downplayed it as no big deal.
Then here's the kicker: She tells me that because I
said the meeting went well other than that - I should
get callbacks from her for pilots. And if I don't -
that we'll know the meeting didn't go well. Somehow
turning it all on me. It will be my fault if this lady
doesn't just remember me. (sigh)
And speaking of my
fault. Why the fuck didn't I take the initiative
to develop characters in a theatre group in July or
August or September of last year!?!? Charlotte had the
audacity to say to me that it's my fault for not
taking the initiative to do these things last year.
LOL. Does she not realize who she's talking to? I
called this womand about 10 times a week in August and
September BEGGING her for anything to do.
I offered to make FUCKING COPIES at her
office - or run tapes here and there because she was
spending money messengering them around town.
ANYTHING to help. What can I do?!? Her
response when I tell her this now? I shouldn't have to
tell you what to do. You should take the initiative to
find OUT what to do. Ahh... Great management skills
honey.
And going back to
the Paramount meeting. So Helen gave the tape to the
VP of Comedy Development: Rose-Catherine
Pinckney. This at the time was a good thing. Charlotte
said she'd be in contact with her to set-up a
meeting.
Of course a month
later Charlotte says: "Of course we can't have a
meeting with her now...you haven't written the Pilot,
the 2nd Episode, 10 outlines for future episodes and 3
other tv show ideas that you would star in for a
development deal."
Excuse me? I was
under the impression that this is what you do
DURING a development deal. I was taking the
INITIATIVE to START the pilot now, but this wasn't
mandatory. Well now it is. So it's my fault that we're
not having a meeting with her. Ahhh...OK.
Or take this most
recent show. She didn't bother to invite ANY industry
people because she thought the 40 seat venue was too
small. This attitude fucking floors me. But oh well -
this was a showcase for a talent Agency - and that was
reason enough to play it. But wait - this wasn't the
case. It happens to be that all this was an assistant
from the agency calling Charlotte to say they were
gonna go see this one comic there. That's it. So
Charlotte set-it up thinking they'd just happen to
stick around and see me too. But the comic happened to
call the agency that day and say he didn't want them
to come to that show - so they didn't. I blew the
entire fucking night for nothing. Completely wasted.
Did Charlotte once say she was sorry? That maybe she
made a mistake? Nah - she blamed it on the comic. Very
nice - have your show dependent on someone you've
never met.
Here's
a quick
clip
of the delayed reaction... I don't fault
the audience really. In the setting this
was displayed in, you could sense no
rhythm on when the end was "the end".
I assume most people were thinking:
"When the fuck is this over?"
(Sigh)...
What about touring
with Bobcat...oh, well the opening act has to be 60
minutes - I'm too short. !?!?! Uhm, you didn't bother
to get this information earlier? Or, not only that -
to ask about that to begin with?!!? That was always
the FIRST FUCKING thing I talked about
with owners and bookers was the time I was needed to
play. (sigh)
Chris Tucker, the
Ha-Ha? Of course not. She didn't bother to ask who
booked that night and assumed the owner could force me
onstage even though someone else rents the room. Great
Charlotte.
And when you look
at it, the 3 shows Charlotte has booked (yes -
FUCKING 3 shows she booked since this was
completed in August), they've done nothing. No one
showed up to any of them. She played a little song and
dance each night wondering where these people were
when they PROMISED they'd be there. Mhmmm. All her
shows. Of course at The Comedy Store (a real
venue-lol) she did get 3 people there - but it meant
nothing. As the only meeting we got was for paramount
and well - we all know how that turned
out.
But the ultimate
killer in all this - is her absolute refusal to admit
things are different since Aspen. That of course this
is exactly what we'd be doing had we gotten into
Aspen...that I'm melodramatic about the "turning me
into an actor" feeling I'm getting....ahh but
wait!
At the last show
she pulls me aside and said: "The plan is to not have
to do this very many more times. Once you get a few
pilots and get your face in front of some casting
directors, we won't have to set-up shows for them to
come to."
And that's where
the shit hits the fan folks. Obviously she wants me as
an actor first - and everything else second. That will
round out her "company" a bit better. ANd it will
make it easier for her - as i'll be the one going
on all the auditions and she won't have to set up the
shows. And furthermore - when I fail, and DON'T
get a pilot (which is the absolute JACKPOT for a
SEASONED actor out here) - when this doesn't happen -
it'll be my fault. Trinitrons will fade, and I will be
actor-boy.
But of course,
nothing's changed really. LOL.
I'm not laughing.
What kills me is the absolute need to be right.
Always. Here's one scary ass example that showed once
and for all that this is probably someone
I wouldn't want to be involved with.
I have (had) this
little beatles cube. It's 4 blocks with some strange
fishwire configuration and you move it in a pattern
and it reveals Beatles albums. I've had it for a
little over a year. Great fun to play with. She picks
it up while talking to me and Marshall in my
apartment. She moved a block a wrong way and somehow
(she must've been bendin' this bitch HARD) she ripped
it. And didn't notice even THAT - and proceeded to
dismantle this bitch. It was OBVIOUSLY broken but she
kept goin. I didn't see this, but Marshall asked
her what was up - and she said: "It was always like
this". He started to laugh as did I and she got
incredibly defensive. I finally just said: "I was
handling it today and it was fine, it was NOT like
that" and left it. But she adds: "And one side
here is blank". as if to add how broken this was that
not only was the sticker ripped before she got it but
an entire album was gone.
"It's the white
album Charlotte"
"NO IT ISNT"
"It's the white
album"
"NO IT ISNT!
DOES THIS LOOK WHITE TO YOU!!!!
IT'S GREY!!! LOOK!!!!"
She wasn't jokin'
folks. She was goin' NUTS. She couldn't even handle
being wrong about a fucking album cover. She had to
prove to me that it was GREY. I looked at her in utter
amazement. I was shocked at her behavior so much
that thinking back on it now - I have to wonder if
something snapped. Marshall just said "You guys have
some issues..." and walked out. Talking to him later
he thought that was how we always were and
I said: "I have NEVER seen that." There's
just no way to describe how PSYCHO she was at
that moment. It was the perfect example of "HAS, TO,
BE, RIGHT, ALWAYS." Funny thing is - she always
mentions that Marshall is this way. And to a
MUCH lesser degree he is...and hell -
SO AM I. But I know I am. And BELIEVE you me
I've learned how to give in. Over, and over, and over.
LOL.
Ok, so now what.
That's the beautiful kicker. What do I do now. I can't
break things off. I know exactly what would
happen. She'd put some legal injunction against me
ever playing The Trinitrons in public without her
permission. Somehow she'd pull that off - and
bascially kill a year of my life. So I obviously
keep this from her. I just keep on writing, keep on
following her lead. I do everything I can to be
non-confrontational. I accept every bit of blame.
I allow her to tell me how all the happenings are my
fault, and I just smile - smile - smile. Because
there's a slight chance I hit the jackpot and pull off
some big acting gigs. When she is obsessive about
being right...I just smile, shake my head, and say
"yes Charlotte". If I think I'm this great actor -
this is what I'll do. Play along. It is in my best
interest to do so. Hold my cards CLOSE to my chest.
They will be played at some point.
And I'm not at
ALL saying that I get a break and I drop
her. Absolutely not. I honestly think there's a level
of respect that I could get that could change our
relationship. I'll just wait and see about that. I
have a feeling though it's simply because she is
SOOOOOOO INSANELY INSECURE about herself that this
happens. She can't for one second look bad or she
loses it. Dear GOD the phone call I got from
her after some of the entries this month. Some of the
TAMEST entries about her on the planet.
So this entry is
locked. OH SO Locked. The only way this puppy is
opened is if Charlotte and I are no more...and even
then (for legal reasons) it may have to be highly
edited. But it is a MAJOR, MAJOR part of "The Journey"
and frankly I was fucking sick of glossing over my
feelings for the past 2 months. For the first time
I basically had to lie.
And that is NOT
what this is about. So even if it ain't all opened
now, at some point the entire story is out there.
Let's just hope this entry becomes a relic of a bad
period in our relationship - and not a prediction of
disaster. You read it, what do you think?
