ENTRY #184
This Entry was locked until January 11th, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
12:48 PM, Monday, March 11th, 2002:
Well at least I'm not a slimeball. That or I keep a secret like a 3 year old. I've haven't determined that one yet. Am I really just honest, or incredibly inept at keeping secrets? Well, the following day, in an instant message with Charlotte, the shit came down. I think the only reason I was able to be so frank and to the point was because of the forum. The yelling and arguing on the phone would've killed me. This was much more civilized and honestly, so clearly shows why I can no longer work with her. Even after two 4 hour conversations, and a mini 45 minute one today, she has yet to answer any of the biggest problems I had with her. Mind boggling really. I'll get to my feelings after the Instant Messages. Please, whatever you do - don't SKIM. If you find yourself racing through it, stop and read it later. It obviously won't take you 9 hours to read it, but it should certainly take a good 45 minutes to an hour to read the first 2. It's a lot of information, and really - it's the only unbiased thing I can offer. Absolutely nothing was edited.
Part 1 - locked
3/10/02: 2:40-4:48 AM
Part 2 - locked
3/10-3/11/02: 9:17-1:34 AM
Part - 3 locked
3/11/02: 10:35-11:28 AM
So there you have it. By the way, I asked her about saving the first instant message because I had only copied it into word, and didn't want to manually color each name. I just recently found out you can actually SAVE the instant message as a web page at the click of a button. Fucking figures. Dear GOD it took a long time to prepare the first one. GAHHHHH! Anyway, the last part of 3 really shocked me. I was actually looking forward to ending things on a good note, and it turns into that. I'm still amazed that she didn't see that I was asking her about "just being a manager" so she wasn't COMPLETELY empty handed. That was a headache I was willing to endure, just because I felt she had put SOOOOO much into this and was getting nothing. It makes me sick to my stomache the position she's in. But she made it very clear that she sees no reason to continue a relationship if she isn't part of the writing process.
As I said in the instant message, I'm well aware that I've shown little to be considered capable of writing a sitcom. that doesn't change the fact that in the end - it's MY show. I'm the one all over it. If every direction the characters take - I DISAGREE WITH - then I need to be able to say "No." This isn't possible with her, and as far as I'm concerned that adds up to "Irreconcilable Differences". I said I couldn't write with her, she said she couldn't manage me without that aspect and it's over. That is the bottom line. I never should've even mentioned continuing without the writing, but I felt shitty for leaving her with nothing.
So what do I really think. As of today, I think I was being used, to get HER a development deal. SHE wants to write for TV. SHE found something that she could write for, and that's ALL she wanted out of it. And you know what, if I could work with her - that'd be FINE. I got NO problem being used. It's not like I wouldn't be going down the same path with her. I'd be reaping all the benefits as well. It could've been a partnership. But the thought of not performing The Trinitrons anymore, and just writing a sitcom with her - might be the worst thing I've ever thought of in my life.
You know, that may be why she didn't want any more industry to see me perform. That she only wanted them to see me in an acting audition capacity - and pitching the pilot - because if they signed me to a TALENT deal, she wouldn't have the leverage as a writer. She's obviously not happy with the normal 15% a manager would take. Again, it's not about me - it's about her being able to WRITE for television. Something that I could give or take. Something that for her is ABSOLUTELY paramount. So paramount, that the thought of not writing the sitcom, nixes the entire relationship. There's probably a more eloquent way to write all of this, but I think I'm on the right track. Either way, that's not fair to me. I should be able to have a manager and not be forced to create WITH her. Imagine if Brian Epstein wrote The Beatles songs. Or if, they'd only record when Brian thought they were good enough? John would beat his ass....after he had sex with him of course - LOLOL. Ahh the rumors will haunt his memory forever.
This is all conjecture on my point anyway. What isn't conjecture is her amazing lack of "answer a question" skills. I'm pretty sure she could give CLINTON a run for his money. My point about the "lacking initiative in August and September" was never even approached because she ignored it and ignored it. What I feel happened is this: She didn't think acting classes, or improv classes, or theater groups meant SHIT at that point. Yes, in early June she brought up Groundlings - and I simply could NOT afford it. Well over $1000. I said it would HAVE to wait. After we finished taping though - not a WORD was spoken. I seriously called EVERY DAY to Charlotte. Well maybe 5 times a week, but quite routinely asking if there was ANYTHING I COULD DO TO HELP MY CAREER. I even asked about being her runner - FOR FREE. Helping drop off the tapes so she didn't waste $15 paying a messenger to do it. No. She told me just to wait for Saget. I asked if I could make FUCKING copies at her office - ANYTHING. No. So I waited...I finally BLEW up in September and said: "Fuck this I'm playing on the 30th".
Cut to January 15th. She has the audacity to tell me I lacked the initiative to go and join a theatre group or an acting class when I had time off from August to September and now I NEED to do it to catch up. I asked her why the FUCK she didn't say this THEN. You know what she says? "I shouldn't have to, you should take the initiative to do some things on your own."
Holy fucking SHIT. You know why she didn't tell me!?! The real reason!? She didn't think it was necessary then. If she did, she would've mentioned it the NUMEROUS TIMES I called her asking for ANYTHING to do. She thought I was going to Aspen and it wouldn't matter. She put ALLLLLL her eggs in that basket and ignored telling me to do anything but sit and wait. That is HER FAULT as a manager - PERIOD. Here's the kicker:
I WAS WILLING TO ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON. But she had to BLAME it on me. She had to tell me it was my fault that I didn't do that then. And that, is why, I am DONE with Charlotte. There is no clearer example. And as you've already read, it's not even CLOSE to the only example. Every mistake was blamed on me. All of them. In an effort to make sure she looked right, she turned the tables. Well, I'm not a fucking moron. And holy SHIT am I typing fast right now. The anger is KILLING me. WOW. I can't believe how strongly this effects me. It's a wonder that all I did was take some vicodin a couple of nights. Well that's over now. It's all over now. It's funny in my annual December video I admitted that I wasn't getting a development deal, I thought Charlotte was full of shit, and by the same time next year, we wouldn't be on speaking terms. Who'd think it would only take 2 months.
What's next? No clue. I need to get my head straight. I need to figure out about The Chicago Festival, and then make a plan of action. I will book some shows, and try to find what makes me who I am. I've lost that. I've lost every bit of faith in myself - hell I'm not reiterating the instant messages. You know how I feel. What I need to do RIGHT now though, is work on the next entry. Good GOD is it gonna be huge. Talk about dropping some bombshells. And the balance between true feelings and being "appropriate" is gonna be insanely difficult to write. (sigh). Here I go...
original video file
MARCH 2002