I'm so depressed I
actually contemplate suicide. I would never go through
the steps obviously, but I think about it. I think
about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the
trigger. I think of Jess being devastated, and
everyone being shocked. It seems it would all pass at
some point. Like it was always gonna end tragic..it
did - we move on.
I am
horrrrrrrribly depressed. I hate my life
right now. I don't believe a word
Charlotte says ever. I was so happy when I
thought it was over and I was moving on.
Now I'm stuck again. I don't believe in
anything she says. She's completely full
of it. Where are my headshots. Has she
sent them out? My
demo?
What on earth makes her think I'll get a
pilot? I don't believe in The Trinitrons
AT ALL - as a sitcom.
I want everything
to end. I hate everything. I hate everyday of my life.
Being reminded of how much I'm going nowhere. It's
thrown in my face every second. The failure builds and
builds and builds. How do I hide this so well? People
would think I'm joking if they read this. I hate
myself. I hate everyday of my life. I have left my
heart so long ago. I stopped following my heart so
long ago I can't even find it.
I really see no
reason to go on. I will never own a gun. It would be
in my mouth right now. Charlotte has absolutely ruined
my life and every ounce of self-esteem I ever had.
Gone. I'm not playing enough, I'm not performing
enough - my headshots aren't going out and it's
half-way through February. I have no monologues ready.
Who gives a shit. I'm not an actor - I don't have the
passion for just acting. I will fail every audition. I
don't belong - I never would've done this had she
mentioned this before.
I hate
her.
I hate this - I
hate my life…I want to end it all so badly. I see
it over and over and over again. I try to sleep as
much as possible so I don't have to think. Every
second I think of how bad my life is I can barely
move. I hate it. I don't know how I've kept from
drinking since December 30th. I've had 2 vicodin since
then though. Just to chilllllllllll. Barely works
though. I'd rather get buzzed. I only have 4 vicodin
left. That sucks.
I'm sooooooooooo
depressed. I hate every day of my life. I can't hide
it anymore….
What's wrong with
mee…. I hate everyday that I have to live.
Nothing changes - I hate it. I don't want to join a
theater group - I don't belong. I. Hate. My. Life.
Fuck Charlotte.
'
Now I will get up
and "Act" like Adam for another day. And another and
another. That's all I do. Hate my life.
Jess won't even
read my entries or look at the videos I work on or
support my diets or ever talk about anything but her
own fucking work. As if her financial support is
enough tio never have to realy support me. Take the
money away. I'd make it. I have no home. I can't go
back - I can't show my face…I hate everything
aboutmy life -0 I miss 2000 I hate 2001 and 2002 may
be the last year of my life. Dead at 26. So much to
give- but coiuyldn't handle it - god will I find
anyone who can find me and save me and give me the
direction and support I need. I need it so bad. My dad
is clueless…I have no mother. I am so desperate
for someone to be my…my MANAGER. A strong WISE
manager would end all of this. Fuck me
Fuck
me……a gun wouldn't hurt
It'd be over. Jess
could go home….I just have to die. Where is this
coming from? Is this me? God I'm so miserable. I hide
it constantly - CONSTANTLY. I have no one to talk to
about it. I can no longer talk to The Journey…I
have no listeners anymore - Give me my talk show for
one more night. Keep me alive one more
night….keep me alive one more
night……..
I wonder who;ll
win the slam dunk contest blater tonight. I wanna see
the wizards in the playoffs…I wanna play new
Nintendo games. I want to
die,………………………………………''''fweeeeeejk0
