ENTRY #176
This entry was locked until January 1st, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
1:57 AM, Saturday, February 9th, 2002:
Did The Trinitrons entry a year ago today.
I'm so depressed I actually contemplate suicide. I would never go through the steps obviously, but I think about it. I think about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger. I think of Jess being devastated, and everyone being shocked. It seems it would all pass at some point. Like it was always gonna end tragic..it did - we move on.
I am horrrrrrrribly depressed. I hate my life right now. I don't believe a word Charlotte says ever. I was so happy when I thought it was over and I was moving on. Now I'm stuck again. I don't believe in anything she says. She's completely full of it. Where are my headshots. Has she sent them out? My demo? What on earth makes her think I'll get a pilot? I don't believe in The Trinitrons AT ALL - as a sitcom.
I want everything to end. I hate everything. I hate everyday of my life. Being reminded of how much I'm going nowhere. It's thrown in my face every second. The failure builds and builds and builds. How do I hide this so well? People would think I'm joking if they read this. I hate myself. I hate everyday of my life. I have left my heart so long ago. I stopped following my heart so long ago I can't even find it.
I really see no reason to go on. I will never own a gun. It would be in my mouth right now. Charlotte has absolutely ruined my life and every ounce of self-esteem I ever had. Gone. I'm not playing enough, I'm not performing enough - my headshots aren't going out and it's half-way through February. I have no monologues ready. Who gives a shit. I'm not an actor - I don't have the passion for just acting. I will fail every audition. I don't belong - I never would've done this had she mentioned this before.
I hate her.
I hate this - I hate my life…I want to end it all so badly. I see it over and over and over again. I try to sleep as much as possible so I don't have to think. Every second I think of how bad my life is I can barely move. I hate it. I don't know how I've kept from drinking since December 30th. I've had 2 vicodin since then though. Just to chilllllllllll. Barely works though. I'd rather get buzzed. I only have 4 vicodin left. That sucks.
I'm sooooooooooo depressed. I hate every day of my life. I can't hide it anymore….
What's wrong with mee…. I hate everyday that I have to live. Nothing changes - I hate it. I don't want to join a theater group - I don't belong. I. Hate. My. Life. Fuck Charlotte.
Now I will get up and "Act" like Adam for another day. And another and another. That's all I do. Hate my life.
Jess won't even read my entries or look at the videos I work on or support my diets or ever talk about anything but her own fucking work. As if her financial support is enough tio never have to realy support me. Take the money away. I'd make it. I have no home. I can't go back - I can't show my face…I hate everything aboutmy life -0 I miss 2000 I hate 2001 and 2002 may be the last year of my life. Dead at 26. So much to give- but coiuyldn't handle it - god will I find anyone who can find me and save me and give me the direction and support I need. I need it so bad. My dad is clueless…I have no mother. I am so desperate for someone to be my…my MANAGER. A strong WISE manager would end all of this. Fuck me
Fuck me……a gun wouldn't hurt
It'd be over. Jess could go home….I just have to die. Where is this coming from? Is this me? God I'm so miserable. I hide it constantly - CONSTANTLY. I have no one to talk to about it. I can no longer talk to The Journey…I have no listeners anymore - Give me my talk show for one more night. Keep me alive one more night….keep me alive one more night……..
I wonder who;ll win the slam dunk contest blater tonight. I wanna see the wizards in the playoffs…I wanna play new Nintendo games. I want to die,………………………………………''''fweeeeeejk0
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