This is either the
end of "The Journey" online or the end of Charlotte.
Both can't co-exist anymore. I can't believe that
I have back to back entries that no one can read - and
there's no hope in sight for any that I can post.
How do I tell "The Journey" and continue to mask my
relationship with Charlotte? Well, today was it. I've
never in my life felt this way. Let's give the
build-up shall we?
It was Charlotte's
idea on January 15th to have writing meetings Monday
and Thursday. Kick Ass in my book. I'm sorely in need
of direction and a physical Sit-com BIBLE that I can
go by when writing my own. Unfortunately Charlotte had
excuses for that Thursday, and next Monday on why we
couldn't meet. The show was on the next Thursday - so
nix that meeting apparently. Well the next day the
printer had the proofs for my headshots and I was
going to go with her to pick them out. As well we were
going to check out the site of my next show 'cause
there were a few techincal SPACE problems with Amagi
that I wanted to make sure she didn't
overlook.
So I waited all
day with Jessica for her call as she said she would be
ready after 1 PM. Finally at 4:30 PM she calls and
says they weren't ready. (sigh). Didn't believe her at
ALL. Not even a little bit. I told that to Jessica but
what can you do? I've worked with a bunch of printers
in my day and when they say something'll be ready - it
is. Especially when you're just blowin' up some
negatives to pick which ones to print. But whatever -
this bumped everything until Monday when we were set
to have a meeting anyway. Unfrotunately it was a day
off with Jess - but oh well - gotta do
this.
So she wants the
meeting to be at 4, which basically fucks my day with
Jessica. Jess has to go into work for a few hours at
some point and now she's kind've forced to do it late
so we can spend some time together. Well I call
Charlotte at 3, and she's still in a meetingand says
she'll call back. She finally calls at 6 asking if
I can come in at 7. So Jess and I just
waited and waited and fucked the whole day. So Jess
goes into work when I realize that I'm stuck with
my car that has a spare and I ask if seh can
possibly come up here. The meeting continues to run
late and she says I should come down Wedesday at 3 PM.
(sigh) Fuckin' fine.
Wednesday at 2 PM
I leave for the meeting as I need to run
some errands first, and it takes about 40-45 minutes
to get there. As I get into Hollywood I call to
make sure she's coming. Of course she's late and still
in Burbank but on her way. No big deal. I get all
the way to her office and she calls and cancels. Needs
to go back into the meeting. Ok, fine. I drive all the
way back home. She said we can do this Thursday (our
normal meeting day - though that's
NEVER happened) or during the day
Saturday...
Thursday comes
along. I wait, and wait, wait and wait to hear from
her. All morning and day. Finallly around 4 PM
I leave a message asking what's up she returns it
at 5 PM saying she can't do it today - let's make it
Saturday. Right. Another day of waiting wasted. And of
course Friday is wasted too...
So Saturday I call
her at NOON. As we hang up the phone at 12:30 I ask
her
ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN COME?
She sounded stuffy - didn't wanna drive 45 minutes
again for absolutely nothing. She assured me. I waited
until 2 PM and left to go to the post office and then
to her office. I turned on my cellphone around 2:!5
and still no call from her - so all was good. When I
got to her office I called her and she wasn't
there. Called her cell phone and she said she left a
message for me at home saying she couldn't come cause
she was sick. She left this message at 2:10.
I said fine, and then said "just tell me where
the venue is..." - She did, but mentioned it was
probably closed.
SO WHY THE FUCK WERE WE MEETING TODAY??
Just to go over writing notes?!?!?!
IS THIS FUCKING NECESSARY? But I went
anyway - and it was closed.
I came home
and saw her online and told her this and I said
that at this point it didn't matter anymore. It's too
late to cancel the gig anyway...and she says: "No,
you'll go Monday and check it out." ?!?!? Oh so we're
having this meeting again? She said yes, but I would
go that night 'cause she had plans. I said that
at this point it was trivial. Maybe had I seen it
a week ago, but what can I do 24 hours before the
show? I wanted to have seen it before I did
Cameron so I could personalize the opening. She
again said I needed to go. I said OK. Then
she got offline.
And basically
ceased being my manager for all intents and
purposes.
If she thinks I'm
going down there again Monday - she's nuts. She has
absolutely no respect for me, and I have in turned
lost all of it for her. She is never, ever, ever wrong
as I explained in the last entry - and as far as this
next show is concerned? She's told me of absolutely
NO INDUSTRY coming. None. SO what's the
point? She's not mentioned Belinda, and the meeting we
were supposed to have with Gary 2 weeks ago in over a
week - nothing about the Ha-Ha booker...NOTHING -
NOT A WORD ABOUT GRACE WU.
Nothing about the Bobcat chick who was maybe going to
work something out with us. She's done nothing except
tell me how it was my lack of iniative that is making
me so GREEN right now. Well Charlotte? Fuck you. I'm
done.
And amazingly 1
year to the day I wrote how I wanted
direction so badly, I am in the
EXACT...SAME...POSITION. I've lost a year of my life
at this point and am absolutely no further ahead. Yes,
The Trinitrons is great - but what the fuck do
I do with it? As I've said for months now
-there's NO POSITIVE INDUSTRY RESPONSE
to it. So I can't gauge where to go! Why do I
kill myself writing a bible? Why? Why?!?! And without
Charlotte I lose all contacts and christ - she'll
probably keep all my headshots too. She's got me
good...
I've been talking
to Marshall on how to best rsolve it and he really
feels I need to bring it all to a head asap. Of course
every time I begin to bring it up she makes everything
my fault. My lack of initiative - my
anything...anything but her. So basically I'd have to
END the relationship to bring it to a head. And
this could all happen tomorrow.
I am willing to
completely skip the Superbowl this year to have our
"meeting". And what happens in that meeting is
completely out of my control. I will try to just act
like nothing's wrong and try to see if there's any
shot of doing something PRODUCTIVE. Unfortunately -
I don't see this as possible. Basically - I want
my headshots, I'm completely willing to pay the $175
to get them - and I want out. Of course there's a
show Tuesday - so I should probably hang low
until then, right? That's what I need to do. Have
a meeting with her Wednesday or Thursday after my show
- and end this. Go there with a check, get my
headshots - but of course she gets all those audition
breakdowns...I'll never be able to get an audition
without her...
So. Fucking.
Stuck. Fuck me - I have to ignore all this.
I have to play "the actor" here. Whenever anyone
wants to talk about it - I simply have to say - "I
don't want to talk about it" - and when I'm around
Charlotte...everything she says is right. Until I have
some sort've footing in my career...I have to act like
I feel none of this. NONE. All because she has the
breakdowns early and can send my resume and headshot
in. (sigh).
Oh
well. That's what will happen. And the
saga continues. I want to be drunk right
now. STUPID, DRUNK. I haven't touched
alcohol since last year - and I'll be
damned if I drink to avoid how shitty my
life is. I've NEVER done that.
Anyway, I'm done. Enjoy
the
song.
I
enjoyed writing it.
