ENTRY #172
This Entry was locked until January 1st, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
8:20 PM, Saturday, February 2nd, 2002:
This is either the end of "The Journey" online or the end of Charlotte. Both can't co-exist anymore. I can't believe that I have back to back entries that no one can read - and there's no hope in sight for any that I can post. How do I tell "The Journey" and continue to mask my relationship with Charlotte? Well, today was it. I've never in my life felt this way. Let's give the build-up shall we?
It was Charlotte's idea on January 15th to have writing meetings Monday and Thursday. Kick Ass in my book. I'm sorely in need of direction and a physical Sit-com BIBLE that I can go by when writing my own. Unfortunately Charlotte had excuses for that Thursday, and next Monday on why we couldn't meet. The show was on the next Thursday - so nix that meeting apparently. Well the next day the printer had the proofs for my headshots and I was going to go with her to pick them out. As well we were going to check out the site of my next show 'cause there were a few techincal SPACE problems with Amagi that I wanted to make sure she didn't overlook.
So I waited all day with Jessica for her call as she said she would be ready after 1 PM. Finally at 4:30 PM she calls and says they weren't ready. (sigh). Didn't believe her at ALL. Not even a little bit. I told that to Jessica but what can you do? I've worked with a bunch of printers in my day and when they say something'll be ready - it is. Especially when you're just blowin' up some negatives to pick which ones to print. But whatever - this bumped everything until Monday when we were set to have a meeting anyway. Unfrotunately it was a day off with Jess - but oh well - gotta do this.
So she wants the meeting to be at 4, which basically fucks my day with Jessica. Jess has to go into work for a few hours at some point and now she's kind've forced to do it late so we can spend some time together. Well I call Charlotte at 3, and she's still in a meetingand says she'll call back. She finally calls at 6 asking if I can come in at 7. So Jess and I just waited and waited and fucked the whole day. So Jess goes into work when I realize that I'm stuck with my car that has a spare and I ask if seh can possibly come up here. The meeting continues to run late and she says I should come down Wedesday at 3 PM. (sigh) Fuckin' fine.
Wednesday at 2 PM I leave for the meeting as I need to run some errands first, and it takes about 40-45 minutes to get there. As I get into Hollywood I call to make sure she's coming. Of course she's late and still in Burbank but on her way. No big deal. I get all the way to her office and she calls and cancels. Needs to go back into the meeting. Ok, fine. I drive all the way back home. She said we can do this Thursday (our normal meeting day - though that's NEVER happened) or during the day Saturday...
Thursday comes along. I wait, and wait, wait and wait to hear from her. All morning and day. Finallly around 4 PM I leave a message asking what's up she returns it at 5 PM saying she can't do it today - let's make it Saturday. Right. Another day of waiting wasted. And of course Friday is wasted too...
So Saturday I call her at NOON. As we hang up the phone at 12:30 I ask her ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN COME? She sounded stuffy - didn't wanna drive 45 minutes again for absolutely nothing. She assured me. I waited until 2 PM and left to go to the post office and then to her office. I turned on my cellphone around 2:!5 and still no call from her - so all was good. When I got to her office I called her and she wasn't there. Called her cell phone and she said she left a message for me at home saying she couldn't come cause she was sick. She left this message at 2:10. I said fine, and then said "just tell me where the venue is..." - She did, but mentioned it was probably closed. SO WHY THE FUCK WERE WE MEETING TODAY?? Just to go over writing notes?!?!?! IS THIS FUCKING NECESSARY? But I went anyway - and it was closed.
I came home and saw her online and told her this and I said that at this point it didn't matter anymore. It's too late to cancel the gig anyway...and she says: "No, you'll go Monday and check it out." ?!?!? Oh so we're having this meeting again? She said yes, but I would go that night 'cause she had plans. I said that at this point it was trivial. Maybe had I seen it a week ago, but what can I do 24 hours before the show? I wanted to have seen it before I did Cameron so I could personalize the opening. She again said I needed to go. I said OK. Then she got offline.
And basically ceased being my manager for all intents and purposes.
If she thinks I'm going down there again Monday - she's nuts. She has absolutely no respect for me, and I have in turned lost all of it for her. She is never, ever, ever wrong as I explained in the last entry - and as far as this next show is concerned? She's told me of absolutely NO INDUSTRY coming. None. SO what's the point? She's not mentioned Belinda, and the meeting we were supposed to have with Gary 2 weeks ago in over a week - nothing about the Ha-Ha booker...NOTHING - NOT A WORD ABOUT GRACE WU. Nothing about the Bobcat chick who was maybe going to work something out with us. She's done nothing except tell me how it was my lack of iniative that is making me so GREEN right now. Well Charlotte? Fuck you. I'm done.
And amazingly 1 year to the day I wrote how I wanted direction so badly, I am in the EXACT...SAME...POSITION. I've lost a year of my life at this point and am absolutely no further ahead. Yes, The Trinitrons is great - but what the fuck do I do with it? As I've said for months now -there's NO POSITIVE INDUSTRY RESPONSE to it. So I can't gauge where to go! Why do I kill myself writing a bible? Why? Why?!?! And without Charlotte I lose all contacts and christ - she'll probably keep all my headshots too. She's got me good...
I've been talking to Marshall on how to best rsolve it and he really feels I need to bring it all to a head asap. Of course every time I begin to bring it up she makes everything my fault. My lack of initiative - my anything...anything but her. So basically I'd have to END the relationship to bring it to a head. And this could all happen tomorrow.
I am willing to completely skip the Superbowl this year to have our "meeting". And what happens in that meeting is completely out of my control. I will try to just act like nothing's wrong and try to see if there's any shot of doing something PRODUCTIVE. Unfortunately - I don't see this as possible. Basically - I want my headshots, I'm completely willing to pay the $175 to get them - and I want out. Of course there's a show Tuesday - so I should probably hang low until then, right? That's what I need to do. Have a meeting with her Wednesday or Thursday after my show - and end this. Go there with a check, get my headshots - but of course she gets all those audition breakdowns...I'll never be able to get an audition without her...
So. Fucking. Stuck. Fuck me - I have to ignore all this. I have to play "the actor" here. Whenever anyone wants to talk about it - I simply have to say - "I don't want to talk about it" - and when I'm around Charlotte...everything she says is right. Until I have some sort've footing in my career...I have to act like I feel none of this. NONE. All because she has the breakdowns early and can send my resume and headshot in. (sigh).
Oh well. That's what will happen. And the saga continues. I want to be drunk right now. STUPID, DRUNK. I haven't touched alcohol since last year - and I'll be damned if I drink to avoid how shitty my life is. I've NEVER done that. Anyway, I'm done. Enjoy the song. I enjoyed writing it.
original video file