ENTRY #174
This Entry was locked until January 10th, 2004
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
12:01 AM, Monday, February 4th, 2002:
Fuck. Fuck, fuckity, fuck-fuck-fuck. Where would I be without this word...
I don't even know where to start. Let me just say that after the meeting, I now consider it feasible to have a working relationship with Charlotte. In fact it went so well I'm actually excited about writing with her again?!?!?!?! AM I NUTS?!!?! I'm not even sure if I can fully analyze why I've come to this decision without requestioning my heart AGAIN.
I'm almost embarrased. It's as if my earlier feelings were unfounded...but they weren't! It's all a lack of communication. Is that possible? I'll start from the beginning.
I get there at 2:30 and she's already there. I was struck with the tiniest bit of disappointment as I hoped she'd be late AGAIN. That's the drama queen in me coming out... Anyway - we shot the shit for a bit, but basically went right into talking about The Trinitrons. We recorded the conversation and we went 3 straight hours. I'm tellin' you - it was incredible. I've never felt more productive in my life. ESPECIALLY with her. I had my notes, she had hers - and we discussed them. It turns out that most of my ideas aren't COMPLETELY useable. There's some nice sized holes in 'em. But I came to the same conclusions she had very quickly - and was happy with how things turned out. She had some great ideas, some strange ideas, and presented them in a very "equal" way. She admitted when things were just weird ideas - and not concrete - as I did the same.
So now of course comes the part where we talk a bit about what happened yesterday. And after the past 3 hours we just spent...needless to say we're both in a good mood. So apologies abounded. Here's the big one. When she said "I have no plans for Sunday"...that really meant: "I'm not planning anything for Sunday because I don't know how I'll feel". I took it as: "You have no plans for Sunday, so we can get together". As well, she heard my second round of calls FIRST (when I was a bit pissy) - and thought that was my FIRST call to her. Thus was pissed and didn't call. She apologized. Of course this leaves me with no recourse for being pissy about this week. Everything else is pretty legitimate.
I did bring up all my other concerns at this point in the meeting and we find yet another communication mishap. She was never saying the road wasn't different after Aspen, it is - most assuredly it is...but what I do is the same. Writing, acting...all that. It's exactly the same. And she's right. Our path is a bit backwards now. We have to have all the ideas ready and take them to a network as opposed to someone seeing me, giving me a holding deal and working within it. That is what makes Aspen so great - is it's a true development event. Missing that hurts. Then again, there's Montreal. And of course execs COULD see me at these shows and we'd be alright too. But execs also don't trust their instincts too well and winning Aspen kind've helps that. More of a "safe-bet".
Now, life isn't ALL GRAND with Charlotte. Most assuredly not. There's still amazing communication differences. She is still condescending AS HELL and is melodramatic when she has to SPELL THINGS OUT FOR ME. As if her "I have no plans for Sunday" is just OBVIOUS. Even during the meeting if she would try to explain a concept - and couldn't...or I didn't understand it - she would roll her eyes and look at the ground as if to say: "WHAT a MORON".
Like this for example (and this is on tape). She asked me "How do you see this writing process going". This is after we had finished and I talked about what I was gonna do before the next time we meet on Thursday. I was a bit unsure on what she was asking. I said: "Good? What do you mean...". She said: "How do you see this writing process going"When I said what do you mean she put her head down again as if to show utter exhaustion with my STUPID questions. She continued by saying THE exact same thing. So reminiscent of a fight we had during the G recording in July when she said "You're doing it too much like a white guy". She said this over and over and over until I finally YELLED: "I'M THE ONLY WHITE GUY HERE, YOU GOT ANY OTHER DIRECTIONS?" - Heh. I finally got out of her that what she was asking about was: "what I expected her to have ready for our next meeting" !??!??! It's a charater flaw. Plain and simple. She can't express in words always what she's thinking. And it often times comes out wrong. Throwing her head down and acting like I'M THE ONE who is stupid, is also a character flaw.
Is it enough to leave her and never look back? No. I just HAVE to deal with this. Have to. Be aggressive, point it out to her when she does it, but DEAL with it. My chances are astronmiclaly better than starting over. Period. I have to look at myself as the same hustling guy I was a year ago, but with help. Direction? Yeah, I have many now. As I did before. I'm shoring all those directions up. Cementing my acting side, my writing side, everything. In the direction of development deal, I will have a pilot and bible, and a killer tape. KILLER TAPE. In the direction of acting, I have great headshots and hopefully some great auditions. And so on and so on. I even talked with her about doing a stand-up act and trying to write a very focussed 5-8 minutes, for even another angle.
As well, I'll take a much more active role in all of this. Apparently I should've been flyering around each show. (sigh). I didn't take the initiative to do that. (sigh). WHATEVER, I'm not gonna bitch - I'm just GONNA DO IT NOW. Who cares if she never eluded to this before, if she's absolutely full of shit for turning it back on me now, or if she's making excuses for why no one will be there tomorrow...LOL (I guess I just did bitch). NOW, I'll do it. I'll market myself, and see her as an asset for writing and for getting industry interested. It'll be my responsibility to get the general public to the show, and create a buzz. She said this was always the role of the performer. Goddamn she has selective memory. But WHO CARES. NOW. I. KNOW.
OK, so is The Journey back? It is. It really is. There'll just happen to be 4 locked entries in a row that will never, EVER, EVER be opened. Well maybe when I'm famous Charlotte and I will think this is funny and up they'll go. Wow. What a crazy few days it's been. I'm very, very tired. Enjoy the song.
original video file