(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
9:04 PM, Sunday,
August 31st, 2008:
"Mom left
because of Mom."
As if "The Pursuit
of Happyness" didn't already kick my ass every time I
watch it, throw another layer on the onion. As hard as
it was for the child to understand the quote above,
it's a realization a husband has to come to as well...
no matter how obvious. It's a conversation with a
future child I had in my head several times in 2007
and a catalyst for the therapy ultimatum of last
December. As we know she wasn't capable of continuing
that treatment and well, there you go. I remember my
initial reaction when the mother left in the movie
being amazement that anyone could do that, and I'm no
longer amazed. I've watched the "flight" urge with
Donna firsthand and it's deeply rooted.
Anyway, I bring
all of this up because a month ago today Donna had a
falling out with our friends (where she ran to at the
end of May) and had no place to go. That now
unlocked
entry was
the start of another month of tension and daily bouts
with scruples on my end. The details are meaningless,
but what has been overwhelming is the utter lack of
respect and sheer oblivion she seems to live in while
she runs from her issues. All the while talking about
new friends that really get her. That
really understand. In reality they're just so
new they have zero expectations which is her nirvana.
I heard her explaining this to an old boyfriend/friend
on the phone and it just blew me away. After all these
years of him watching this pattern of hers, why
doesn't he hold her accountable? Why don't her
parents hold her accountable? Why doesn't anyone but
me say: "Honey, this is the same pattern we've watched
for years and meanwhile you're destroying the one
person who loved you and was patient with you..." How
could no one say to her: "You're married. It's time to
stop running."?
And the biggest
reason this sticks with me? I have such an incredibly
difficult time with miscommunication. It is so hard
for me to get it through my head that the other person
does understand, they're just choosing to ignore it.
That is the most foreign concept I've ever had to wrap
my brain around. At one point Donna knew in her heart
everything I'm saying. I said it, the therapists said
it, she said it. Hell she wrote it within this
Journey.
The path however just ended up being too difficult for
her to go down. And damnit I've already gotten past
this and was in a great place June and July. Then she
comes back in and it all kicks my ass again. And the
lack of respect for someone who is not only helping
you in the short term, but is singlehandedly the only
reason you're in this country - and is willing to stay
married to help you achieve your dream. Astounding.
But I gave my word and will see it through...and she
certainly knows that.
Then there's the
other aspect: friends. Something I have maintained
with every, single, woman I've ever been with because
there's always been honesty, always been
communication, always love, always trust. None of that
exists here. Was I angry at Burgundie? Of course I was
- but she was honest with me and we always loved each
other. She just wasn't "in love" with me for
whatever reason. Was I hurt that Jess needed to be in
Columbus so bad? Of course I was - but I loved her to
death. I could, not, live back in Ohio. Either she was
gonna be miserable or I was. Now we both have the
ability to pursue happiness - just apart. And we talk
almost weekly with the utmost love in our hearts for
each other...
Now
throw in this video. The song was written
about Jessica in March 2005, hitting on
how I was saying "when" on the whole
"friends" thing for the time being.
It was just too hard. We eventually got
through it. This video was taped on The
Early Show in March 2007... when Donna and
I were apart. It was actually a gift from
the director of the show as he totally
fucked up my cues a few days before and
made me look like an idiot. I figured I'd
ask for this, and got it. LOL. There's
always an opportunity
somewhere...
Anyway,
at the time I was dealing with the
realization that "Up & Adam" was not
happening and was on the verge of losing
it. That night Donna would pick me up from
the airport and the rest is history. A
crossroads moment for sure. Amazingly,
this
video
has never been posted.
The entire concept
is heartbreaking to me, and truth be told - may be
harder than anything I've ever been through
relationship-wise. Amazing right? The most
over-the-top, obviously not my fault, clearly
well-defined situation I've ever been in... will
probably linger and have more lasting effects than
anything else. Again, it's the miscommunication. I'm
fine with the fact that she doesn't have it in her to
fight the demons from her childhood. Nothin' she can
do about that. But to hear her tell her friend that
she's finally with people that "get" her makes the
hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I know, I
know... when you spend your life running, revisionism
is your only refuge but goddamnit - I don't want hear
it. I don't want to see it. If you're so hell bent on
running - then leave already.
Well that moment
finally came again, on Friday. In another sickeningly
familiar scene - a guy who was a "friend" showed up
with a pickup truck to take her away. It's like -
I don't care if she's doing a football team, I
just don't want to see it. And it's all totally
irrational (such is love). The rational side of me
wants to buy that guy a beer and give him a hug
- brother has no idea. But my heart, aches.
It's a momentary sting though. June/July were
incredibly fun - and I've lined up some great
adventures for the coming weeks and you just keep on
rollin' on.
But I am proud of
one thing: when she came here a month ago, she had
$200 to her name, was devastated, had absolutely no
one and was ready to do some rather desperate things.
She leaves with thousands in the bank (thanks to a job
Michelle got her before their falling out) a place to
live within walking distance, and a plethora of new
friends to spend time with. And she's alive. Lest we
not forget how horrific March/April were. Back when
all I was praying for was that she would walk
out of my house. Well she's certainly done
that.
And if you haven't
seen "Pursuit of Happyness", it really captures what
it feels like to achieve something that took sacrifice
and faith. I've felt it twice in my life. When I
booked my first 4tvs show and the day I got Up
& Adam on CBS. If you want to know how that
feels, rent the movie...
