(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
locked until August 31st,
2008
11:11 PM,
Thursday, July 31st, 2008:
(sigh) These
ethical questions are friggin' killin' me man. I'm
being tested at every corner and tonight - I have to
admit, I'm still a bit unsure what happens
next.
Even though this
will be locked, longtime readers will know
exactly who showed up today. And trust me, I
was nice to leave out the second word of the "two-word
phrase" that could've accompanied this entry. Yes, the
welcome was worn out with the friends and I got the
desperate call. I had told the friends all along
that this was not their responsibility in the
least and whenever they needed me to step in, I'd be
there... apparently that's the 2 month mark....
whew.
So that joyous 2
month period of happiness I've enjoyed is now thrown
into the blender yet again because the bottom line is,
I am legally married to Donna and am her sponsor.
However as I'm sure you can imagine, the favor
of not filing paperwork is starting to wear thin. I'm
just not sure I have it in me to instantly get someone
deported. Especially since I believe somewhere there's
a happy solution for everyone involved, it's just
somewhat unclear at the moment. And boy is that the
understatement of the year.
Donna is of
course, a wreck... everything she thought was true
about this city isn't. She has no car, no home, no
money - shitty shifts at her job... she has no choices
left and she had 2 full months of someone else's
generosity to pull off something and she didn't. Of
course she's somehow a prick to me? LOL. I swear to
you all, if it wasn't for the sponsor thing man... the
way she treated me within the first 20 minutes of
picking her up - I've never wanted to drop someone on
the curb so bad in my life. She is literally incapable
of accepting that she's being helped. She will kick
and scream like a 10 year old and try and make you
feel like some big asshole. Not once did she say she
was sorry for the inconvenience, thank me for what I
was sacrificing (again) it was just one selfish drama
after the next. It's literally like having a pre-teen
daughter that you're buying an ice cream cone for
that mopes because it's not her favorite flavor. At
some point you want to grab that ice cream cone, throw
it in the trash, and say: "Well look at that, don't
have to worry about it not being your favorite flavor
anymore do ya?"
Oh my GOD I'm
gonna be the greatest, parent, EVER.
When we finally
got to a calm place, or simply a place where I could
stomach letting her stay for a week or so, she hit me
with a whopper that is so big - I won't even put it in
a locked entry. LMAO. It's that damaging to
this woman's character. Unbefuckinglieveable.
Basically, going back to South Africa is such a
horrible option in her mind, that her desperation is a
little shocking...
...if it wasn't
fucking SELF-MADE. That's the thing man. She's had
every opportunity in the world. Even after the way she
treated me for going on 2 years, my two friends took
her in and gave her yet another starting point. Didn't
matter. She makes the drama herself by incredibly
selfish acts of delusion. But honestly, none of that
matters, and this was all true in 2006. Not one inch
of growth since then and again, doesn't matter. All
that matters is what the FUCK is the solution to this
puzzle? Whaddya do? Here's the current
options:
1) Get the
divorce, get her on a plane, let her family deal
with it. I spoke with them and they would help with
the ticket. No matter how I rationalize this
however, it's somewhat selfish on my part. But the
truth is - it's the only "support system" she
has. She knows no one out here and has nothing to
show for her time. What other choices does she
have? Unfortunately her actions now show me she
will never voluntarily go back and I'm the only
person who could change that. I just can't see
this being a reasonable conclusion. I think she'd
slit her wrists before she allowed it to happen.
Wow... that actually just occured to me. Something
to chew on...
2) Put her shit
on the street and never look back. This is the
"right" thing to do in all honesty. She's done
nothing to deserve any more kindness from me but
the bottom line is in my heart I know there is a
solution. It's not about me saving someone, it's
about all the twists in the road that happen on
every choice we make. I struggled a long time with
Jess as well and in the end it served us both. It
may be a bit painful in the moment - but playing
every angle and really trying hard to find a good
solution always helps in the long run. And
in the end, it may still end bad for her... but as
long as I take this process seriously, I won't beat
myself up for it. So I'm not putting her shit on
the street... not yet anyway.
3) Give her a
firm date, make her pay you something, and no
matter what... stick to that date. This is actually
what I did in February of 2007 when we broke up
(before the roller coaster of Up & Adam
brought us back) and it worked. My dad was coming
out, I said point blank - "You have to be
gone by this date..." and she did it. I just think
that's the only fair thing to do at this point. It
sucks for me personally, because now my whole life
is on hold again and I have genuinely been
having a fucking blast the last 2 months... but
that's not going anywhere - so you just have to do
the right thing.
It's weird, the
more we talked though, the more I realized that
everyone in her life always let her shit on
them, do what she wanted, run away - and then they
took her back in with open arms. What the fuck world
is that? Guess what didn't prepare her
for LA? You know? And now she's completely alone on an
island that once had several bridges - kicking and
screaming. (sigh)
I just don't know
how this ends happy for her. I mean it'll end happy in
a couple weeks - she'll find somewhere to go just like
she did last tme... but it's a matter of time before
she burns another bridge and then she really won't
have anywhere to go. I told her point blank that the
only way she is walking through that door again is if
she has a ticket to South Africa in her hand and she
needs somewhere to stay for a few nights before the
plane takes off. And truth be told, had I had more
than an HOUR's notice about this time it would have
been the same thing NOW - but out of love for my
friends who did me the favor of the century, I had to
act instantly.
Luckily I'm pretty
emotionally detatched from the whole thing. The only
thing that gets me every once and awhile is that she
literally has the face of an angel...
...and I don't
even mean that lovingly. I care about her, but what
I'm saying is - she comes off so angelic... so
unimaginably different than who she really is. It
stuns me every single time I see her. And every time I
watch people react to her. People fall in love with
her almost instantly. Men, women, young, old... when
she smiles and puts it out there... it still
tricks me. It's what made things so hard to explain to
friends and family. They all loved her.
I remember talking with Jess a few times and she
would literally say: "If I didn't know you Adam, I
would think you're lying - because when I talk to
her... I don't see it." It's an extraordinary abillity
to tell you the truth, and if she could somehow
harness it and actually function in this town - she
would have zero problems making it. She could
easily be a working actress but again, I've seen
nothing in the past 2 years to show me she can keep
from self-destructing.
I sure hope this
doesn't become the saddest story of my life, but the
odds aren't good. Here's hopin'...
Adam
PS - I
could think of nothing else to put with
this entry other than her video from
April. It's haunting since it reminds me
of the suicidal times so much, but I think
it shows a very talented soul who is
simply fighting inner demons at every
turn. I just don't think she believes she
has the strength to beat them so she just
embraces it.