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locked until August 31st, 2008
11:11 PM, Thursday, July 31st, 2008:
(sigh) These ethical questions are friggin' killin' me man. I'm being tested at every corner and tonight - I have to admit, I'm still a bit unsure what happens next.
Even though this will be locked, longtime readers will know exactly who showed up today. And trust me, I was nice to leave out the second word of the "two-word phrase" that could've accompanied this entry. Yes, the welcome was worn out with the friends and I got the desperate call. I had told the friends all along that this was not their responsibility in the least and whenever they needed me to step in, I'd be there... apparently that's the 2 month mark.... whew.
So that joyous 2 month period of happiness I've enjoyed is now thrown into the blender yet again because the bottom line is, I am legally married to Donna and am her sponsor. However as I'm sure you can imagine, the favor of not filing paperwork is starting to wear thin. I'm just not sure I have it in me to instantly get someone deported. Especially since I believe somewhere there's a happy solution for everyone involved, it's just somewhat unclear at the moment. And boy is that the understatement of the year.
Donna is of course, a wreck... everything she thought was true about this city isn't. She has no car, no home, no money - shitty shifts at her job... she has no choices left and she had 2 full months of someone else's generosity to pull off something and she didn't. Of course she's somehow a prick to me? LOL. I swear to you all, if it wasn't for the sponsor thing man... the way she treated me within the first 20 minutes of picking her up - I've never wanted to drop someone on the curb so bad in my life. She is literally incapable of accepting that she's being helped. She will kick and scream like a 10 year old and try and make you feel like some big asshole. Not once did she say she was sorry for the inconvenience, thank me for what I was sacrificing (again) it was just one selfish drama after the next. It's literally like having a pre-teen daughter that you're buying an ice cream cone for that mopes because it's not her favorite flavor. At some point you want to grab that ice cream cone, throw it in the trash, and say: "Well look at that, don't have to worry about it not being your favorite flavor anymore do ya?"
Oh my GOD I'm gonna be the greatest, parent, EVER.
When we finally got to a calm place, or simply a place where I could stomach letting her stay for a week or so, she hit me with a whopper that is so big - I won't even put it in a locked entry. LMAO. It's that damaging to this woman's character. Unbefuckinglieveable. Basically, going back to South Africa is such a horrible option in her mind, that her desperation is a little shocking...
...if it wasn't fucking SELF-MADE. That's the thing man. She's had every opportunity in the world. Even after the way she treated me for going on 2 years, my two friends took her in and gave her yet another starting point. Didn't matter. She makes the drama herself by incredibly selfish acts of delusion. But honestly, none of that matters, and this was all true in 2006. Not one inch of growth since then and again, doesn't matter. All that matters is what the FUCK is the solution to this puzzle? Whaddya do? Here's the current options:
1) Get the divorce, get her on a plane, let her family deal with it. I spoke with them and they would help with the ticket. No matter how I rationalize this however, it's somewhat selfish on my part. But the truth is - it's the only "support system" she has. She knows no one out here and has nothing to show for her time. What other choices does she have? Unfortunately her actions now show me she will never voluntarily go back and I'm the only person who could change that. I just can't see this being a reasonable conclusion. I think she'd slit her wrists before she allowed it to happen. Wow... that actually just occured to me. Something to chew on...


2) Put her shit on the street and never look back. This is the "right" thing to do in all honesty. She's done nothing to deserve any more kindness from me but the bottom line is in my heart I know there is a solution. It's not about me saving someone, it's about all the twists in the road that happen on every choice we make. I struggled a long time with Jess as well and in the end it served us both. It may be a bit painful in the moment - but playing every angle and really trying hard to find a good solution always helps in the long run. And in the end, it may still end bad for her... but as long as I take this process seriously, I won't beat myself up for it. So I'm not putting her shit on the street... not yet anyway.
3) Give her a firm date, make her pay you something, and no matter what... stick to that date. This is actually what I did in February of 2007 when we broke up (before the roller coaster of Up & Adam brought us back) and it worked. My dad was coming out, I said point blank - "You have to be gone by this date..." and she did it. I just think that's the only fair thing to do at this point. It sucks for me personally, because now my whole life is on hold again and I have genuinely been having a fucking blast the last 2 months... but that's not going anywhere - so you just have to do the right thing.
It's weird, the more we talked though, the more I realized that everyone in her life always let her shit on them, do what she wanted, run away - and then they took her back in with open arms. What the fuck world is that? Guess what didn't prepare her for LA? You know? And now she's completely alone on an island that once had several bridges - kicking and screaming. (sigh)
I just don't know how this ends happy for her. I mean it'll end happy in a couple weeks - she'll find somewhere to go just like she did last tme... but it's a matter of time before she burns another bridge and then she really won't have anywhere to go. I told her point blank that the only way she is walking through that door again is if she has a ticket to South Africa in her hand and she needs somewhere to stay for a few nights before the plane takes off. And truth be told, had I had more than an HOUR's notice about this time it would have been the same thing NOW - but out of love for my friends who did me the favor of the century, I had to act instantly.
Luckily I'm pretty emotionally detatched from the whole thing. The only thing that gets me every once and awhile is that she literally has the face of an angel...
...and I don't even mean that lovingly. I care about her, but what I'm saying is - she comes off so angelic... so unimaginably different than who she really is. It stuns me every single time I see her. And every time I watch people react to her. People fall in love with her almost instantly. Men, women, young, old... when she smiles and puts it out there... it still tricks me. It's what made things so hard to explain to friends and family. They all loved her. I remember talking with Jess a few times and she would literally say: "If I didn't know you Adam, I would think you're lying - because when I talk to her... I don't see it." It's an extraordinary abillity to tell you the truth, and if she could somehow harness it and actually function in this town - she would have zero problems making it. She could easily be a working actress but again, I've seen nothing in the past 2 years to show me she can keep from self-destructing.
I sure hope this doesn't become the saddest story of my life, but the odds aren't good. Here's hopin'...
PS - I could think of nothing else to put with this entry other than her video from April. It's haunting since it reminds me of the suicidal times so much, but I think it shows a very talented soul who is simply fighting inner demons at every turn. I just don't think she believes she has the strength to beat them so she just embraces it.