(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's
request
2:35 AM, Sunday,
December 9th, 2007:
Just
when you think nothing will phase you -
Donna says she wants to write an entry
that is completely public and wants me to
be able to write about everything
publically without locking it. That is the
only gift she can give me to show how much
I mean to her. Here's what she
writes...
I've never been
great at opening a piece of writing - get
me down to the body and my fingers fly
over the keyboard, but the beginning . . .
Well, it's a bit like standing at the edge
of a cliff with a deep, green pool of
water below, wanting to jump in for a
thrill, for the cool relief but wondering
how the hell to do it.
I am writing this
piece to somehow restore what I have taken
away from the spirit of Adam's journey.
The more I understand of this process, the
more I envy it (although I would never
have the patience or persistence to do it
myself). It is his "therapy", if you will,
in so many powerful and beneficial ways
and I hope that he continues as long as he
is able because I believe that without it,
I would not be writing to you today
(please take that in the least dramatic
sense possible) and my life would be the
poorer for it.
I know Adam has
hinted at the troubles that we have
endured and sometimes even written pieces
that are quite clear as to what's up
between the two of us. The naked and
jarring truth is that he has concealed so
much from the journey, so much from you
all and it was in an attempt to protect me
and perhaps himself from shame or
embarrassment (although I think when you
understand what he has endured, you will
have only the deepest respect for him). My
hope in writing this piece is that he will
now feel free to write EVERYTHING that he
needs to write and express exactly what he
needs to about us without any of these
fears. He has this wonderful tool to
express so that he doesn't internalize
things that should not be internalized
(that's my problem) and I no longer want
to keep him from it.
The very first
night I met Adam, he got a VERY clear
sense of who I was and I believe he wrote
something along the lines of me being the
most difficult woman in the world. Now, in
reality I might never fully claim that
title (I think black widow spiders might
top that list), but I come pretty darn
close. And the thing is that when I was a
single woman, I actually thought of that
as something to be proud of. Mission
accomplished - men stay away or at least
at bay. It was always a destructive
behavior but I didn't care since it wasn't
destroying anything of worth to me. But it
is now, and has been for the entire time
that Adam and I have been together. I put
this out here as a promise to finally get
help in fixing my destructive nature. And
if it's out there, I'll have to keep that
promise cos I'll have y'all to answer to
if I don't.
I have been walking
my life's path with an enormous satchel on
my back filled to the brim with a load so
heavy I had to grow muscles in unnecessary
places to carry it. Some of those muscles
make me seem stronger than I am and some
of them have simply deformed me. Until
recently, I've seen this baggage as a kind
of "savior". I thought it was my
strength-builder through the trials of my
life. And when I met people who asked why
I was carrying the satchel I would become
angry with them for disrespecting my
"savior". Then, I would move along my path
till I met other people carrying big
satchels because they could understand the
"nobility" of carrying one so heavy. (Hey,
there really is something to be said about
this writing shit down thing. Clarifies
things. But trust me, I REALLY don't have
Adam's patience).
Then I meet Adam.
Literally within hours: "Dear, you have
this enormous satchel on your back and
your life would be so much easier if you
just took the damn thing off." I
vehemently deny that I am even carrying
such a thing. "A satchel you say? No, no,
that's my "savior". Yes, really, it is."
Now, when he offers to help the satchel
off my back, I become so angry with him
that I fear in my rages, I have not only
made him weary, but that I have
unwittingly cast a weight upon his
shoulders. A weight that he would
otherwise be able to dump into the words
shared on his cyber pages, were it not for
wanting to protect me by locking them
all.
It has
progressively gotten worse. I often feel
that simple logic and reason is an attack
on my person. I get into this place that
is so dark and self-destructive that the
only way to exist there is to fight- at
any cost - even the greatest cost: that of
hurting the one man who stands steady
through all of my fits and tantrums to
say, "I love you honey, but there is
something off here. You're carrying
something that makes you crazy. We need to
fix this." Unfortunately this is never met
well by myself and I prepare myself,
almost literally, for a war.
Does this all sound
exhausting? It is. It really, really is.
But unlike Adam, I'm used to this fight.
The war has been raging inside me for
longer than I can remember. I believed
that my fight was one that would save the
world from its pain and suffering. At
base, I have the best intentions. I have
always wanted to save people from pain
(the irony). I have always thought that if
I could just figure things out that the
world would somehow follow suit and bad
things would end. In reality, my soul is
screaming for me to fix MYSELF. I am in
pain. My heart is in pain. My head is in
pain. This satchel is HEAVY and I'm tired
of carrying it now.
We have been back
and forth and back and forth because Adam
can only endure so much before saying
"You're carrying something that is
destroying you, my love. Put it down." And
on good days, I hear him and am willing to
concede that it is not my "savior", but
rather my undoing. On the bad days, I
cling to that fucking satchel like it is
the only thing that will protect me from
this horrible man in front of me who is
trying to rip away from me the only
protection I have known. I may have hurt
him beyond repair, but this entry is my
gift to Adam to unlock the floodgates. I
can't bear to think of him filling his own
satchel when sharing his words, music and
videos can take the place.
Personally, I am
going to find someone to help me identify
and eliminate my "demons" and this entry
is a public promise to do that. I really
want this to work. I love him so much for
what he has done and continues to do for
me. For his patience and (on the good
days) belief in me that I can beat this.
As always, your
love and support will be his strength and
his help. So I would greatly appreciate it
if you can give him LOADS right now. He
CERTAINLY deserves it. He is not unlike a
soldier at war and he deserves as much
respect and admiration. This is a VERY
strong man. I should know. I have broken
lesser mortals. He is my rock and in all
of my storming, he still remains firm and
for that, I am in awe and so should you
all be.
My love and thanks
to you all.
Love
Donna
I'm kinda
speechless at the moment. I'm surpised at just how
much better I feel knowing that the
"truth" is out there from someone other than me.
I really don't know about unlocking everything...
just, I'll have to really reread it all because it's
just so personal. As much as she wants to now, she may
feel different later - and with the internet man...
once it's out it's out. I'll sit on this for a week.
Still just kinda speechless.