(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's request
2:35 AM, Sunday, December 9th, 2007:
Just when you think nothing will phase you - Donna says she wants to write an entry that is completely public and wants me to be able to write about everything publically without locking it. That is the only gift she can give me to show how much I mean to her. Here's what she writes...
I've never been great at opening a piece of writing - get me down to the body and my fingers fly over the keyboard, but the beginning . . . Well, it's a bit like standing at the edge of a cliff with a deep, green pool of water below, wanting to jump in for a thrill, for the cool relief but wondering how the hell to do it.
I am writing this piece to somehow restore what I have taken away from the spirit of Adam's journey. The more I understand of this process, the more I envy it (although I would never have the patience or persistence to do it myself). It is his "therapy", if you will, in so many powerful and beneficial ways and I hope that he continues as long as he is able because I believe that without it, I would not be writing to you today (please take that in the least dramatic sense possible) and my life would be the poorer for it.
I know Adam has hinted at the troubles that we have endured and sometimes even written pieces that are quite clear as to what's up between the two of us. The naked and jarring truth is that he has concealed so much from the journey, so much from you all and it was in an attempt to protect me and perhaps himself from shame or embarrassment (although I think when you understand what he has endured, you will have only the deepest respect for him). My hope in writing this piece is that he will now feel free to write EVERYTHING that he needs to write and express exactly what he needs to about us without any of these fears. He has this wonderful tool to express so that he doesn't internalize things that should not be internalized (that's my problem) and I no longer want to keep him from it.
The very first night I met Adam, he got a VERY clear sense of who I was and I believe he wrote something along the lines of me being the most difficult woman in the world. Now, in reality I might never fully claim that title (I think black widow spiders might top that list), but I come pretty darn close. And the thing is that when I was a single woman, I actually thought of that as something to be proud of. Mission accomplished - men stay away or at least at bay. It was always a destructive behavior but I didn't care since it wasn't destroying anything of worth to me. But it is now, and has been for the entire time that Adam and I have been together. I put this out here as a promise to finally get help in fixing my destructive nature. And if it's out there, I'll have to keep that promise cos I'll have y'all to answer to if I don't.
I have been walking my life's path with an enormous satchel on my back filled to the brim with a load so heavy I had to grow muscles in unnecessary places to carry it. Some of those muscles make me seem stronger than I am and some of them have simply deformed me. Until recently, I've seen this baggage as a kind of "savior". I thought it was my strength-builder through the trials of my life. And when I met people who asked why I was carrying the satchel I would become angry with them for disrespecting my "savior". Then, I would move along my path till I met other people carrying big satchels because they could understand the "nobility" of carrying one so heavy. (Hey, there really is something to be said about this writing shit down thing. Clarifies things. But trust me, I REALLY don't have Adam's patience).
Then I meet Adam. Literally within hours: "Dear, you have this enormous satchel on your back and your life would be so much easier if you just took the damn thing off." I vehemently deny that I am even carrying such a thing. "A satchel you say? No, no, that's my "savior". Yes, really, it is." Now, when he offers to help the satchel off my back, I become so angry with him that I fear in my rages, I have not only made him weary, but that I have unwittingly cast a weight upon his shoulders. A weight that he would otherwise be able to dump into the words shared on his cyber pages, were it not for wanting to protect me by locking them all.
It has progressively gotten worse. I often feel that simple logic and reason is an attack on my person. I get into this place that is so dark and self-destructive that the only way to exist there is to fight- at any cost - even the greatest cost: that of hurting the one man who stands steady through all of my fits and tantrums to say, "I love you honey, but there is something off here. You're carrying something that makes you crazy. We need to fix this." Unfortunately this is never met well by myself and I prepare myself, almost literally, for a war.
Does this all sound exhausting? It is. It really, really is. But unlike Adam, I'm used to this fight. The war has been raging inside me for longer than I can remember. I believed that my fight was one that would save the world from its pain and suffering. At base, I have the best intentions. I have always wanted to save people from pain (the irony). I have always thought that if I could just figure things out that the world would somehow follow suit and bad things would end. In reality, my soul is screaming for me to fix MYSELF. I am in pain. My heart is in pain. My head is in pain. This satchel is HEAVY and I'm tired of carrying it now.
We have been back and forth and back and forth because Adam can only endure so much before saying "You're carrying something that is destroying you, my love. Put it down." And on good days, I hear him and am willing to concede that it is not my "savior", but rather my undoing. On the bad days, I cling to that fucking satchel like it is the only thing that will protect me from this horrible man in front of me who is trying to rip away from me the only protection I have known. I may have hurt him beyond repair, but this entry is my gift to Adam to unlock the floodgates. I can't bear to think of him filling his own satchel when sharing his words, music and videos can take the place.
Personally, I am going to find someone to help me identify and eliminate my "demons" and this entry is a public promise to do that. I really want this to work. I love him so much for what he has done and continues to do for me. For his patience and (on the good days) belief in me that I can beat this.
As always, your love and support will be his strength and his help. So I would greatly appreciate it if you can give him LOADS right now. He CERTAINLY deserves it. He is not unlike a soldier at war and he deserves as much respect and admiration. This is a VERY strong man. I should know. I have broken lesser mortals. He is my rock and in all of my storming, he still remains firm and for that, I am in awe and so should you all be.
My love and thanks to you all.
Love Donna
I'm kinda speechless at the moment. I'm surpised at just how much better I feel knowing that the "truth" is out there from someone other than me. I really don't know about unlocking everything... just, I'll have to really reread it all because it's just so personal. As much as she wants to now, she may feel different later - and with the internet man... once it's out it's out. I'll sit on this for a week. Still just kinda speechless.