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uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's
request (please read #704)
6:59 PM, Tuesday,
December 4th, 2007:
It is
6:59 PM, Tuesday, December 4th, 2007. I am
sitting at the Starbucks on the corner of
Coldwater Canyon and Victory with my empty
refillable Starbucks mug because I didn't
want to lose this spot while I waited in
line to fill it with java. I don't mean to
be such a mooch, I will get some when the
line goes down, but it was too important
to start this. This will be a series of
entries that I feel I have to set in
stone, along with an entry #, so I can
never say I didn't tell myself so. Heh.
That at least made me smirk. I guess even
now I doubt if I have the strength for
what lies ahead, but this journal helped
me through it last time and I am praying
that the Gods can lead the way yet again.
Who says I don't need faith every now and
then?
Ahem. I'm so
stalling. Think I'll refill that mug now.
-----------
Nope, the entry
still hasn't written itself. Damnit. I have to
describe the previous four days for my own
sanity
Simply put, we had
finally come to the conclusion that her hormonal and
chemical imbalances were too much to remedy through
diet or homeopathic medicine. Her periods were so bad,
her ups and downs so drastic that neither of us could
take much more. Although she had a difficult time with
taking the pill before (her body is unbelievable
sensitive to medication), it seemed like all we had
left. So we went to the clinic and the doctor
prescribed "the pill". Sunday was the first day she
took it. We decided to basically take all of December
"off" when it came to dealing with any of our current
problems (November was literally the worst month of
our lives together, I'm not exaggerating) and just
"love" and see how the pill worked out. The pharmacist
warned us on Friday that we needed to give it 4 weeks
before we decide to change and that it could be a
bumpy ride. She also said that if you're sensitive to
medication to make sure you have food in your stomach
when you take the pill or you may get very nauseous
and have other side effects. And finally, be sure to
take it the same time every day. I have to give props
to women on this part as I'm certain there's only 7
men on the entire planet that could ever remember to
do something at the same time every day for
years. I was always baffled at Jess and Burgundie for
remembering all the time.
Right off the bat,
the fights started. She wanted to take it the moment
she woke up. I suggested she take it an hour
after she got up in case she had a sensitivity
to it so that would leave time for her to get a meal
in. She would hear none of that. As I usually do these
days, I just stopped talking. Literally
anything I said that was different than her
opinion was treated like a tennis ball and promptly
whapped back in my face.
The following day
(Saturday) we fought all day which I completely blame
myself for because it was very, very clear that she
was "raging" pretty hard. For some reason I always
think common sense will win out over emotion. It never
does. Ever. The softer my tone with her, the quicker
she realizes that she's being treated with "kid
gloves" and she goes off the wall. I watched her go
from sweet to cruel to superior to screaming to crying
to hitting her leg so hard I thought it would swell
up all in the span of an hour. These are the
hardest times. On this day her biggest issue was that
I would ever bring up a chemical imbalance or say the
word "bi-polar". I just looked at her in utter shock.
That was the only thing I was holding onto! After a
year of these issues we had finally both agreed that
something was "off" chemically. Once she admitted
that, we started by first eliminating all meat from
her diet for fear of hormones. I wasn't kidding in the
entry (that may still be locked) that her boobs grew a
cup size after eating steak and eggs the night before.
It's why we were certain she was pregnant
'cause Christ! How does that happen?!?! That
actually did help her periods a little, but she still
wanted to go on the pill which we were now doing. Now
she's saying she's completely fine chemically and that
she only wanted the pill because her face was breaking
out. Again, these are the hardest times. I just
want to hug her. It's clear that she's just battling
her demons at these moments. In 24 hours she would say
the exact opposite and everything would be fine. She
went to work (and even that was a scene as I said I
loved her and she wouldn't say it back) and then I
went home and I did everything I could think of to
make things easier for her when she got back. I washed
every dish I could find, tried to clean up around the
house, was even able to find a car for her from who
else, Remo, and brought her slippers when I picked her
up 'cause I was sure it was a tough night. And of
course, it ended up being her worst night ever. I
listened to her vent but it was very clear she was
still incredibly angry with me, but she was trying to
just focus on the night. Venting is always
good.
We get home and
while we're talking in the kitchen she lets CeBe lick
some food off her fingers and proceeds to let her
continue to lick (which she'll do forever). This
however is my one "fingernails on the chalkboard"
issue. It literally gives me goose bumps and makes the
hair stick up on the back of my neck. The sound, the
thought - it is my one hugely irrational issue and
she's well aware of it. CeBe is one of those dogs that
will lick forever if you don't move your hand away. It
started and I looked at her and hoped she would
stop nope kept going. So I looked at the ceiling
trying desperately to just get over it and I felt like
I would explode. So I thought in my head how to ask
her to stop doing that in the nicest possible tone
that I've ever produced. I literally said the line 10
times in my head while it felt like bugs were crawling
up my back and came up with "Can you stop doing that?"
starting in a mid-range tone ending high. I figured if
my range was higher it would be alright. Wrong. She
looked like I had hit her in the face with a 2x4. I
immediately apologized. "Honey, I'm so sorry, I had no
idea how to ask you to stop, please tell me what I
could've said differently. I thought about it forever
before I said it". She belittlingly says "You could
have said "Please baby, stop doing that.". I again
apologized but the damage was done. I had destroyed
her with that. She was angry that I even had the
audacity to say anything after the day we had. She
left the kitchen and I stood there, frozen, for over
30 minutes. Every scenario I played out in my head
ended with a huge argument. I was close to tears. All
day, and truth be told the previous two months were
spent doing everything in my power to help her.
Focusing on every possible way I could make her life
easier. Anything she wanted, we did. Rip up the carpet
even though I told her the floor was ruined? No
problem. Taking down the popcorn ceiling even though I
told her it would hide flaws we couldn't fix without
thousands of dollars? No problem. Every whim, every
moment just trying to not break the eggshells.
Completely focused on making her better. From her
diet, to the pill - to trying desperately not say the
one thing that would set her off. I've never been so
patient. This from someone who has dealt with this
daily for over a year, no these two months stand alone
as the most I've ever given to one human being in my
entire life. I was starting to break. I sat on the
counter in a daze fighting the tears and losing. So
numb, so lost, so completely and utterly out of
options. The pup knew something was wrong even though
our voices were never raised. Crazy how they know
isn't it?
She comes in and
sits on the floor and in the baby dog voice hugs CeBe
and starts to console her. I'm not sure I've ever been
so disgusted with her in all my life. For the past two
months all I ever said to her was: please touch me.
Connect with me. Love is the answer here. Once you
realize that I love you and that I'm not your father,
I'm not your brother, I am your husband and I love you
- we'll be fine. Let go of the anger and just touch
me she gives that attention, to the dog, in front
of me.
I walked out of
the house, got in my car and drove around the block.
Parked a house down and just tried to cool down. There
was simply nothing I could say at that moment. I kept
reminding myself that it wasn't her, it was the
chemicals. It's what has kept me going this far. I
honestly did believe she was bi-polar and that the
only solution was addressing that. The point that hit
this home to me the most, was that the good times were
over-the-top. I felt uncomfortable with how she
treated me when she was "raging" in the happy
direction. I was the greatest, most loving, most
patient person who ever lived and it made me so
uneasy. Rare were the days when she wasn't one of the
two extremes. Each day different. I just reminded
myself that I loved her, she was my wife, and I was
going to help her. Tonight however I was venom. She
didn't react like that because I didn't say "please",
it wasn't my tone, she was just raging the other
direction. The best thing I could do was avoid the
confrontation. I went back home and went to the 2nd
bedroom and went to sleep.
She came in and
woke me up and asked me to come into our bedroom. I
explained that I felt it was best if we just slept on
it tonight and gave it another go tomorrow, nothing
could be gained right then. She then notified me that
if I didn't sleep in the bedroom that it was "over
between us", and I couldn't help but laugh out loud
about that one. I didn't mean to be shitty
but...I'm actually laughing now. It's how
I imagine my mother must have felt when I said
some overdramatic line as a teenager. You try to not
laugh but sometimes (especially with a kid like me)
you had to giggle. Anyway, I tried to explain to her
that I felt that anything I would say would lead to a
fight and I needed to take myself out of the equation.
I said I loved her, told her that I was going to
sleep, and I would talk to her tomorrow.
The next morning
(now Sunday, the first day she is to take her pill)
she comes to me and says she's spending the day at
Starbucks and then her friend from work is going to
pick her up at 5 and she's staying with her. I shake
my head yes and she's gone. Maybe she was serious
about this being over? I had no real feeling about it
because I knew it wasn't because I slept in the 2nd
room. She just likes to make pronouncements like that
so she doesn't have to accept the responsibility.
Honestly, it gets that petty. It's like being with an
8 year old. She's admitted in the good times that
she's actually reverting back to her relationship with
her brother when she does that. Nice that she knows
where it comes from, but she never seems to realize
that while she's doing it. I watch a little TV,
workout and within 3 hours she's back and goes to
sleep. When she wakes up she comes up to me and
apologizes for walking out. I said that I understood
and felt it was good if we separated a bit right now.
I again reiterated that I simply didn't want to hurt
her anymore as every, single, thing I did just killed
her.
The next hour was
her being loving, caring, very sweet - crying. She did
take the pill that morning, and we were on-board with
trying to give this a shot. And honestly, after the
pill and a little sleep she did seem better. Maybe,
just maybe we were onto something. This is when we
came up with the "Let's not deal with anything
until January". I figured there was nothing better
than to enjoy the holidays and just get through this.
I didn't want anything to set us off. The pill,
although good the last 3 hours, would most likely be a
helluva ride emotionally and that was the most
important thing to our relationship right then. We
agreed we'd just focus on love, not bring up anything
confrontational until the new year and just have fun.
Monday was fun for
her, no doubt. I drove her to her DMV appointment and
she passed her written driving test, scheduled her
in-car for Friday. We went to Trader Joe's and got her
a special breakfast. I was unfortunately completely
beat. My body was just not dealing too well with the
stress of the past couple days. I really wanted to get
home and workout so I could eat (my workout routine
involves working out in the morning, then eating the
beloved borg), but she was very happy and I wanted to
celebrate with her. I got home, worked out and was
literally as whooped as I've ever been. I could barely
keep my head up. I wasn't sitting down but 10 minutes
and she asked if we could go to the bank to open
account. I just couldn't right then, but I got up,
took a shower - got my clothes on and we went. I was
surprisingly pretty happy throughout it all. Seeing
her smile man it lights me up. When she's
optimistic and happy it's just a joy. Then she wanted
to go to Vallarta to do more grocery shopping. We
went. I was just dying though. And doing everything I
could to not start a fight with what she continued to
say multiple times throughout the day: "I want this to
be a you day!". ??? The real Adam would've
said: "Actions speak louder than words hon! Look
at me. I'm dying, I need to lay the fuck down." LOL. I
was starting to realize that she still doesn't get the
whole "give and take" of a relationship. We had spoken
the day before about if each person focuses on the
other's happiness - it all works out in the end. It's
why when she's at work I try so hard to be in her
shoes when she gets off work and make everything
perfect for her. I try to imagine how she feels and
then control what I can to make her at peace. Be it
turning on the heat even if I'm not cold to just
bringing her comfy slippers to put on in the car. But
to her that seems to mean: "I'm gonna say I'm thinking
of your needs while we do everything I want all day."
Which honestly, I'm cool with as long as she's
smiling, but it was getting harder and harder to do as
every moment was focused on her, and she would
constantly say: "I want this to be a you day!". She
knows exactly what would help me on a day when I'm
clearly this beat: and not driving her around to do
errands was one of 'em. Maybe she could do the dishes
for me. Maybe rub my feet. Maybe take the trash out
this time. Maybe play a videogame with me. Anything.
Her idea of helping me is continually asking me what I
would like and seeing when I hit on something she
wants too. Again, this is so unbelievably minor, I
only bring it up because although this aggravated me
to no end - there was no fight. I kept it in, joked
with her, and we had a happy day. However I have to
admit, this had nothing to do with me, just as her bad
days had nothing to do me. This was just a "good" day.
And then we come to today:
This morning she
woke up feeling a little sick so she took a glass of
"Airborne". It's like Emergen-C and uhm, that's
like a bunch of vitamin C and good stuff to help keep
you from getting sick. She also took the pill at work
on an empty stomach and ended up getting very nauseous
and said she was very "bitchy" and moody to everyone.
When I came to pick her up she said she wanted to go
to the homeopathic store to get something to
counteract this. I reminded her that the pharmacist
warned her that if she took the pill on an empty
stomach it could cause nausea. She said she ate a
piece of bread afterwards and was still nauseous. I
explained that you have to eat the food first, but
more importantly, the fact that she took airborne, the
pill, was in a stressful work environment, and in
nearly 24 hours had only eaten one slice of bread was
probably why she wasn't feeling well. Adding
more things to her body seemed like a bad idea.
I was concerned as well that we weren't giving the
pill a chance before we started changing things up. I
offered to make her some tea, and some soup and and
then tomorrow we'd make sure she had a good breakfast
before she took the pill. Then we could see if she
felt any better. She was incensed that I didn't
"support" her. So I tried to think of a way to
compromise. Since it was clear she wouldn't listen to
a word I said, I mentioned that the homeopathic store
is right next to the pharmacy where we got the pills,
and maybe the pharmacist could give her some
suggestions on why she was feeling this way, and what
she could do to feel better. "Why don't you trust me!
Why don't you support me!". I took a breath and just
let go. No matter how frustrating it was that we were
deviating from what we agreed on after only 48 hours,
there was just no way to avoid it. I said I would go
with her to the homeopathic store (she only has her
temps so she can't go alone) and she said she would
just "suffer alone" until she got her license on
Friday. Whew. I knew she was hurting inside, I knew
this wasn't really her talking and the best thing I
could do was shut up. So I did. Didn't stop her
though. Continuous: "Why are you acting like you know
it all? Why don't you trust me? I need your support".
Now what do you say? Ignore her and she'll get
really pissed. I just reiterated that I loved
her, that I was supporting her, I just wanted to speak
with the pharmacist to see what she said because it
seemed like a bad idea to fix a drug with another
drug especially when we were already warned of
this reaction when you take the pill on an empty
stomach.
This continued
until we got home and after several incredibly mean
jabs at me I very calmy stood up, said I had my cell
phone if she needed me and I got in the car. I really
needed some "me" time but instead what did I do?
I went to the pharmacy to see if maybe they could
suggest something to help her. I just wanted her to be
"ok". I explained the situation and of course they
said "she needs to eat something before she takes the
pill." But they also said that she should try taking
the pill before she goes to sleep as well. Yay! That
sounded great to me. I was quite happy they came up
with something different than what I said so she
wouldn't accuse me of trying to gang up on her. I
asked about the homeopathic stuff and she just said to
try the food and taking the pill at a different time
first. She didn't know what effect another medicine
would have on the pill.
I went back home,
walked in and sat down and of course sat there for a
full minute playing through the fight that was about
to occur. I simply just wanted to let her know of the
nighttime thing and be out before she bit my head off
about how western medicine doesn't know anything and
how I'm "such an American". Nope, couldn't avoid it.
LOL. I explained that I understood the different
schools of medicine, but since we both decided to go
down this road, I thought we should give it a
shot before changing things. Trust me, I can't
stand doctors, the over-prescribing of drugs,
all of that but I do know that when you choose a
path - you have to give it more than 48 hours. She
kept repeating how angry she was that I didn't trust
her and support her. It was an impossible situation so
I again calmly stood up and said I would have my cell
phone on me if she needed me and went to the studio to
get my laptop.
I saw my guitar
and started strumming some of the familiar chords (I
only know 6). Strangely, all of this was getting
easier. The past few "fights" have been considerably
different on my end. My heart was gone. I spoke
softly, I tried to heal with a soft touch on her leg,
but the passion of trying to make her understand my
side was nearly nonexistent. I looked in her eyes with
all the love in the world, but it was clear what was
happening. I had sub-consciously stopped
believing.
She came into the
studio to plead her case again. Saying that what she
needed was my support. I tried to explain to her that
I was supporting her. I again said that I would
gladly take her to the homeopathic store to get the
extra medicine at this point, because she is an adult,
it is her body - and I just wanted her to be happy. It
wasn't enough. She wanted me to promise that in the
future I would support everything she needed. Typing
this right now, I'm not really sure how I have kept my
temper for days upon days of this. It's like talking
to a crazy person, or a drug addict. Someone saying
"If you loved me you would give me what I wanted right
now!". I again expressed that I felt I was
being loving and supportive by trying to follow the
doctor's orders. It finally ended with her saying she
would go by herself on Friday and just not include me
anymore in these decisions so as to avoid ME being so
hurtful to HER. Whew.
She walked out and
I strummed a few more chords. It hardly registered
anymore. I'm numb. For the first time in my life, I
know that I am in desperate need of some therapy. I
don't have the tools to deal with this, because I
don't really think this "numb" feeling is appropriate.
Who knows, maybe it is. Maybe it's just my entire soul
realizing this isn't gonna happen. And 6 pages later
(writing this in "word") we get to what really as
tortured me this entire year
No one will read
this. Who will take the time to ever understand what
I'm going through? Who won't hear three divorces and
just run? How can I possibly have the audacity to say
I wasn't in the wrong in any of the marriages? The
unadulterated truth was I married her earlier than I
was comfortable because her visa was expiring. That's
no secret I even posted that on the site the month
before. I did love her, but I sure as fuck
wasn't ready to be married - but what do you do? Risk
her being deported? Take a second out on the house to
try and get her an artist's visa and then have it end
up not working? No, honestly I don't regret the
marriage. It was the right choice and the good days
far outweighed the bad days back then. The thought of
her being deported was absolutely devastating to me
and it was only my past that even made me think
twice about getting married. That simply wasn't a fair
reason to not jump. And the good news? I've helped
her. At least in that respect I have helped her. I can
feel the thoughts through the computer as I type
she used your for the greencard. Nothing I can type
can convince you guys otherwise and I'm also too
tired after 3 hours of writing to go into why she
didn't. I just had to write out what's happened the
past few days.
Believe it or not,
it was worse in November. Much worse. And
Christ even October. Remember "Halloween Love Story"?
That was me trying desperately to show her that I
loved her and that I was not her father, wasn't her
brother, wasn't any of the men that hurt her in her
life. That love would heal these wounds. I believed so
strongly that love was the answer (fuckin' Lennon). I
was wrong. This is beyond both of us. And even though
we both agreed on that at one point and were dealing
with it, it's impossible to pull this off alone. I'm
afraid that she will rationalize her way out of any
medicine almost immediately. The second anything is
slightly difficult she jumps ship. It's why we broke
up every fucking week the first 3 months in LA. And
why I finally said in February, "I love you, I'm done,
goodbye."
I'll get into just
what lead me back a month later. For now, I must get
home.