(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's request (please read #704)
6:59 PM, Tuesday, December 4th, 2007:
It is 6:59 PM, Tuesday, December 4th, 2007. I am sitting at the Starbucks on the corner of Coldwater Canyon and Victory with my empty refillable Starbucks mug because I didn't want to lose this spot while I waited in line to fill it with java. I don't mean to be such a mooch, I will get some when the line goes down, but it was too important to start this. This will be a series of entries that I feel I have to set in stone, along with an entry #, so I can never say I didn't tell myself so. Heh. That at least made me smirk. I guess even now I doubt if I have the strength for what lies ahead, but this journal helped me through it last time and I am praying that the Gods can lead the way yet again. Who says I don't need faith every now and then?
Ahem. I'm so stalling. Think I'll refill that mug now.
Nope, the entry still hasn't written itself. Damnit. I have to describe the previous four days for my own sanity…
Simply put, we had finally come to the conclusion that her hormonal and chemical imbalances were too much to remedy through diet or homeopathic medicine. Her periods were so bad, her ups and downs so drastic that neither of us could take much more. Although she had a difficult time with taking the pill before (her body is unbelievable sensitive to medication), it seemed like all we had left. So we went to the clinic and the doctor prescribed "the pill". Sunday was the first day she took it. We decided to basically take all of December "off" when it came to dealing with any of our current problems (November was literally the worst month of our lives together, I'm not exaggerating) and just "love" and see how the pill worked out. The pharmacist warned us on Friday that we needed to give it 4 weeks before we decide to change and that it could be a bumpy ride. She also said that if you're sensitive to medication to make sure you have food in your stomach when you take the pill or you may get very nauseous and have other side effects. And finally, be sure to take it the same time every day. I have to give props to women on this part as I'm certain there's only 7 men on the entire planet that could ever remember to do something at the same time every day… for years. I was always baffled at Jess and Burgundie for remembering all the time.
Right off the bat, the fights started. She wanted to take it the moment she woke up. I suggested she take it an hour after she got up in case she had a sensitivity to it so that would leave time for her to get a meal in. She would hear none of that. As I usually do these days, I just stopped talking. Literally anything I said that was different than her opinion was treated like a tennis ball and promptly whapped back in my face.
The following day (Saturday) we fought all day which I completely blame myself for because it was very, very clear that she was "raging" pretty hard. For some reason I always think common sense will win out over emotion. It never does. Ever. The softer my tone with her, the quicker she realizes that she's being treated with "kid gloves" and she goes off the wall. I watched her go from sweet to cruel to superior to screaming to crying to hitting her leg so hard I thought it would swell up…all in the span of an hour. These are the hardest times. On this day her biggest issue was that I would ever bring up a chemical imbalance or say the word "bi-polar". I just looked at her in utter shock. That was the only thing I was holding onto! After a year of these issues we had finally both agreed that something was "off" chemically. Once she admitted that, we started by first eliminating all meat from her diet for fear of hormones. I wasn't kidding in the entry (that may still be locked) that her boobs grew a cup size after eating steak and eggs the night before. It's why we were certain she was pregnant 'cause…Christ! How does that happen?!?! That actually did help her periods a little, but she still wanted to go on the pill which we were now doing. Now she's saying she's completely fine chemically and that she only wanted the pill because her face was breaking out. Again, these are the hardest times. I just want to hug her. It's clear that she's just battling her demons at these moments. In 24 hours she would say the exact opposite and everything would be fine. She went to work (and even that was a scene as I said I loved her and she wouldn't say it back) and then I went home and I did everything I could think of to make things easier for her when she got back. I washed every dish I could find, tried to clean up around the house, was even able to find a car for her from who else, Remo, and brought her slippers when I picked her up 'cause I was sure it was a tough night. And of course, it ended up being her worst night ever. I listened to her vent but it was very clear she was still incredibly angry with me, but she was trying to just focus on the night. Venting is always good.
We get home and while we're talking in the kitchen she lets CeBe lick some food off her fingers and proceeds to let her continue to lick (which she'll do forever). This however is my one "fingernails on the chalkboard" issue. It literally gives me goose bumps and makes the hair stick up on the back of my neck. The sound, the thought - it is my one hugely irrational issue and she's well aware of it. CeBe is one of those dogs that will lick forever if you don't move your hand away. It started and I looked at her and hoped she would stop…nope kept going. So I looked at the ceiling trying desperately to just get over it and I felt like I would explode. So I thought in my head how to ask her to stop doing that in the nicest possible tone that I've ever produced. I literally said the line 10 times in my head while it felt like bugs were crawling up my back and came up with "Can you stop doing that?" starting in a mid-range tone ending high. I figured if my range was higher it would be alright. Wrong. She looked like I had hit her in the face with a 2x4. I immediately apologized. "Honey, I'm so sorry, I had no idea how to ask you to stop, please tell me what I could've said differently. I thought about it forever before I said it". She belittlingly says "You could have said "Please baby, stop doing that.". I again apologized but the damage was done. I had destroyed her with that. She was angry that I even had the audacity to say anything after the day we had. She left the kitchen and I stood there, frozen, for over 30 minutes. Every scenario I played out in my head ended with a huge argument. I was close to tears. All day, and truth be told the previous two months were spent doing everything in my power to help her. Focusing on every possible way I could make her life easier. Anything she wanted, we did. Rip up the carpet even though I told her the floor was ruined? No problem. Taking down the popcorn ceiling even though I told her it would hide flaws we couldn't fix without thousands of dollars? No problem. Every whim, every moment just trying to not break the eggshells. Completely focused on making her better. From her diet, to the pill - to trying desperately not say the one thing that would set her off. I've never been so patient. This from someone who has dealt with this daily for over a year, no these two months stand alone as the most I've ever given to one human being in my entire life. I was starting to break. I sat on the counter in a daze fighting the tears and losing. So numb, so lost, so completely and utterly out of options. The pup knew something was wrong even though our voices were never raised. Crazy how they know isn't it?
She comes in and sits on the floor and in the baby dog voice hugs CeBe and starts to console her. I'm not sure I've ever been so disgusted with her in all my life. For the past two months all I ever said to her was: please touch me. Connect with me. Love is the answer here. Once you realize that I love you and that I'm not your father, I'm not your brother, I am your husband and I love you - we'll be fine. Let go of the anger and just touch me…she gives that attention, to the dog, in front of me.
I walked out of the house, got in my car and drove around the block. Parked a house down and just tried to cool down. There was simply nothing I could say at that moment. I kept reminding myself that it wasn't her, it was the chemicals. It's what has kept me going this far. I honestly did believe she was bi-polar and that the only solution was addressing that. The point that hit this home to me the most, was that the good times were over-the-top. I felt uncomfortable with how she treated me when she was "raging" in the happy direction. I was the greatest, most loving, most patient person who ever lived and it made me so uneasy. Rare were the days when she wasn't one of the two extremes. Each day different. I just reminded myself that I loved her, she was my wife, and I was going to help her. Tonight however I was venom. She didn't react like that because I didn't say "please", it wasn't my tone, she was just raging the other direction. The best thing I could do was avoid the confrontation. I went back home and went to the 2nd bedroom and went to sleep.
She came in and woke me up and asked me to come into our bedroom. I explained that I felt it was best if we just slept on it tonight and gave it another go tomorrow, nothing could be gained right then. She then notified me that if I didn't sleep in the bedroom that it was "over between us", and I couldn't help but laugh out loud about that one. I didn't mean to be shitty but...I'm actually laughing now. It's how I imagine my mother must have felt when I said some overdramatic line as a teenager. You try to not laugh but sometimes (especially with a kid like me) you had to giggle. Anyway, I tried to explain to her that I felt that anything I would say would lead to a fight and I needed to take myself out of the equation. I said I loved her, told her that I was going to sleep, and I would talk to her tomorrow.
The next morning (now Sunday, the first day she is to take her pill) she comes to me and says she's spending the day at Starbucks and then her friend from work is going to pick her up at 5 and she's staying with her. I shake my head yes and she's gone. Maybe she was serious about this being over? I had no real feeling about it because I knew it wasn't because I slept in the 2nd room. She just likes to make pronouncements like that so she doesn't have to accept the responsibility. Honestly, it gets that petty. It's like being with an 8 year old. She's admitted in the good times that she's actually reverting back to her relationship with her brother when she does that. Nice that she knows where it comes from, but she never seems to realize that while she's doing it. I watch a little TV, workout and within 3 hours she's back and goes to sleep. When she wakes up she comes up to me and apologizes for walking out. I said that I understood and felt it was good if we separated a bit right now. I again reiterated that I simply didn't want to hurt her anymore as every, single, thing I did just killed her.
The next hour was her being loving, caring, very sweet - crying. She did take the pill that morning, and we were on-board with trying to give this a shot. And honestly, after the pill and a little sleep she did seem better. Maybe, just maybe we were onto something. This is when we came up with the "Let's not deal with anything until January". I figured there was nothing better than to enjoy the holidays and just get through this. I didn't want anything to set us off. The pill, although good the last 3 hours, would most likely be a helluva ride emotionally and that was the most important thing to our relationship right then. We agreed we'd just focus on love, not bring up anything confrontational until the new year and just have fun.
Monday was fun for her, no doubt. I drove her to her DMV appointment and she passed her written driving test, scheduled her in-car for Friday. We went to Trader Joe's and got her a special breakfast. I was unfortunately completely beat. My body was just not dealing too well with the stress of the past couple days. I really wanted to get home and workout so I could eat (my workout routine involves working out in the morning, then eating the beloved borg), but she was very happy and I wanted to celebrate with her. I got home, worked out and was literally as whooped as I've ever been. I could barely keep my head up. I wasn't sitting down but 10 minutes and she asked if we could go to the bank to open account. I just couldn't right then, but I got up, took a shower - got my clothes on and we went. I was surprisingly pretty happy throughout it all. Seeing her smile man… it lights me up. When she's optimistic and happy it's just a joy. Then she wanted to go to Vallarta to do more grocery shopping. We went. I was just dying though. And doing everything I could to not start a fight with what she continued to say multiple times throughout the day: "I want this to be a you day!". ??? The real Adam would've said:  "Actions speak louder than words hon! Look at me. I'm dying, I need to lay the fuck down." LOL. I was starting to realize that she still doesn't get the whole "give and take" of a relationship. We had spoken the day before about if each person focuses on the other's happiness - it all works out in the end. It's why when she's at work I try so hard to be in her shoes when she gets off work and make everything perfect for her. I try to imagine how she feels and then control what I can to make her at peace. Be it turning on the heat even if I'm not cold to just bringing her comfy slippers to put on in the car. But to her that seems to mean: "I'm gonna say I'm thinking of your needs while we do everything I want all day." Which honestly, I'm cool with as long as she's smiling, but it was getting harder and harder to do as every moment was focused on her, and she would constantly say: "I want this to be a you day!". She knows exactly what would help me on a day when I'm clearly this beat: and not driving her around to do errands was one of 'em. Maybe she could do the dishes for me. Maybe rub my feet. Maybe take the trash out this time. Maybe play a videogame with me. Anything. Her idea of helping me is continually asking me what I would like and seeing when I hit on something she wants too. Again, this is so unbelievably minor, I only bring it up because although this aggravated me to no end - there was no fight. I kept it in, joked with her, and we had a happy day. However I have to admit, this had nothing to do with me, just as her bad days had nothing to do me. This was just a "good" day. And then we come to…today:
This morning she woke up feeling a little sick so she took a glass of "Airborne". It's like Emergen-C…and uhm, that's like a bunch of vitamin C and good stuff to help keep you from getting sick. She also took the pill at work on an empty stomach and ended up getting very nauseous and said she was very "bitchy" and moody to everyone. When I came to pick her up she said she wanted to go to the homeopathic store to get something to counteract this. I reminded her that the pharmacist warned her that if she took the pill on an empty stomach it could cause nausea. She said she ate a piece of bread afterwards and was still nauseous. I explained that you have to eat the food first, but more importantly, the fact that she took airborne, the pill, was in a stressful work environment, and in nearly 24 hours had only eaten one slice of bread was probably why she wasn't feeling well. Adding more things to her body seemed like a bad idea. I was concerned as well that we weren't giving the pill a chance before we started changing things up. I offered to make her some tea, and some soup and and then tomorrow we'd make sure she had a good breakfast before she took the pill. Then we could see if she felt any better. She was incensed that I didn't "support" her. So I tried to think of a way to compromise. Since it was clear she wouldn't listen to a word I said, I mentioned that the homeopathic store is right next to the pharmacy where we got the pills, and maybe the pharmacist could give her some suggestions on why she was feeling this way, and what she could do to feel better. "Why don't you trust me! Why don't you support me!". I took a breath and just let go. No matter how frustrating it was that we were deviating from what we agreed on after only 48 hours, there was just no way to avoid it. I said I would go with her to the homeopathic store (she only has her temps so she can't go alone) and she said she would just "suffer alone" until she got her license on Friday. Whew. I knew she was hurting inside, I knew this wasn't really her talking and the best thing I could do was shut up. So I did. Didn't stop her though. Continuous: "Why are you acting like you know it all? Why don't you trust me? I need your support". Now what do you say? Ignore her and she'll get really pissed. I just reiterated that I loved her, that I was supporting her, I just wanted to speak with the pharmacist to see what she said because it seemed like a bad idea to fix a drug with another drug…especially when we were already warned of this reaction when you take the pill on an empty stomach.
This continued until we got home and after several incredibly mean jabs at me I very calmy stood up, said I had my cell phone if she needed me and I got in the car. I really needed some "me" time…but instead what did I do? I went to the pharmacy to see if maybe they could suggest something to help her. I just wanted her to be "ok". I explained the situation and of course they said "she needs to eat something before she takes the pill." But they also said that she should try taking the pill before she goes to sleep as well. Yay! That sounded great to me. I was quite happy they came up with something different than what I said so she wouldn't accuse me of trying to gang up on her. I asked about the homeopathic stuff and she just said to try the food and taking the pill at a different time first. She didn't know what effect another medicine would have on the pill.
I went back home, walked in and sat down and of course sat there for a full minute playing through the fight that was about to occur. I simply just wanted to let her know of the nighttime thing and be out before she bit my head off about how western medicine doesn't know anything and how I'm "such an American". Nope, couldn't avoid it. LOL. I explained that I understood the different schools of medicine, but since we both decided to go down this road, I thought we should give it a shot before changing things. Trust me, I can't stand doctors, the over-prescribing of drugs, all of that… but I do know that when you choose a path - you have to give it more than 48 hours. She kept repeating how angry she was that I didn't trust her and support her. It was an impossible situation so I again calmly stood up and said I would have my cell phone on me if she needed me and went to the studio to get my laptop.
I saw my guitar and started strumming some of the familiar chords (I only know 6). Strangely, all of this was getting easier. The past few "fights" have been considerably different on my end. My heart was gone. I spoke softly, I tried to heal with a soft touch on her leg, but the passion of trying to make her understand my side was nearly nonexistent. I looked in her eyes with all the love in the world, but it was clear what was happening. I had sub-consciously stopped believing.
She came into the studio to plead her case again. Saying that what she needed was my support. I tried to explain to her that I was supporting her. I again said that I would gladly take her to the homeopathic store to get the extra medicine at this point, because she is an adult, it is her body - and I just wanted her to be happy. It wasn't enough. She wanted me to promise that in the future I would support everything she needed. Typing this right now, I'm not really sure how I have kept my temper for days upon days of this. It's like talking to a crazy person, or a drug addict. Someone saying "If you loved me you would give me what I wanted right now!". I again expressed that I felt I was being loving and supportive by trying to follow the doctor's orders. It finally ended with her saying she would go by herself on Friday and just not include me anymore in these decisions so as to avoid ME being so hurtful to HER. Whew.
She walked out and I strummed a few more chords. It hardly registered anymore. I'm numb. For the first time in my life, I know that I am in desperate need of some therapy. I don't have the tools to deal with this, because I don't really think this "numb" feeling is appropriate. Who knows, maybe it is. Maybe it's just my entire soul realizing this isn't gonna happen. And 6 pages later (writing this in "word") we get to what really as tortured me this entire year…
No one will read this. Who will take the time to ever understand what I'm going through? Who won't hear three divorces and just run? How can I possibly have the audacity to say I wasn't in the wrong in any of the marriages? The unadulterated truth was I married her earlier than I was comfortable because her visa was expiring. That's no secret I even posted that on the site the month before. I did love her, but I sure as fuck wasn't ready to be married - but what do you do? Risk her being deported? Take a second out on the house to try and get her an artist's visa and then have it end up not working? No, honestly I don't regret the marriage. It was the right choice and the good days far outweighed the bad days back then. The thought of her being deported was absolutely devastating to me and it was only my past that even made me think twice about getting married. That simply wasn't a fair reason to not jump. And the good news? I've helped her. At least in that respect I have helped her. I can feel the thoughts through the computer as I type… she used your for the greencard. Nothing I can type can convince you guys otherwise…and I'm also too tired after 3 hours of writing to go into why she didn't. I just had to write out what's happened the past few days.
Believe it or not, it was worse in November. Much worse. And Christ even October. Remember "Halloween Love Story"? That was me trying desperately to show her that I loved her and that I was not her father, wasn't her brother, wasn't any of the men that hurt her in her life. That love would heal these wounds. I believed so strongly that love was the answer (fuckin' Lennon). I was wrong. This is beyond both of us. And even though we both agreed on that at one point and were dealing with it, it's impossible to pull this off alone. I'm afraid that she will rationalize her way out of any medicine almost immediately. The second anything is slightly difficult she jumps ship. It's why we broke up every fucking week the first 3 months in LA. And why I finally said in February, "I love you, I'm done, goodbye."
I'll get into just what lead me back a month later. For now, I must get home.