Entry # 7
11:18 PM - January 12th, 2000,
What a freakin' day. Everything came to a head today and then exploded. But first things first:
Check out the site. I've added QUITE a bit. You can now read all the entries I've sent, most all of your reactions...and the movies. Very nifty.
Secondly Jess got a job at a pharmacy starting Monday (we think it's only minimum wage, not sure yet) but it's a start until we find more jobs. I'll know Friday if my interview at Sam Ash went well yesterday. I could be starting Monday as well.
YouTube link added 12.20.07
Thirdly, I got word of the "help-jar" for me and Jess a couple days ago and I have to say, I'm pretty floored. It is so overwhelming to know how supportive you all are. It's one of the only things that keeps my spirits high. Now a few of you have written me back and said you were a little concerned about sending money to a complete stranger and I understand your concern. I wouldn't if I were you. So, I'm just gonna give out my address (stop GASPING dad, let me explain). I've struggled with this for a couple of days. I've never been one for handouts, I've tried to do everything on my own, but honestly - yeah, a couple of bucks would help TREMENDOUSLY. And you gotta know, you just gotta KNOW you'll be getting all sorts of free shit when I make it. Now I've read the list over and over and over. I know just about every one of you by name. All I ask, is that you keep it to yourselves. Simple as that. I will be moving in 6 months when this lease is up (now that we're here we've seen some places for a little cheaper that are just as nice), so if I get famous 300 people won't have my address. But right now, I'm not famous, and I just spent the day driving around dumpsters looking for a bed. So here:
No, I'm not posting it on the internet...
Now, let me also tell you that "Mickey" is completely legit. The P.O Box is my father's (sorry you're no longer anonymous, but you gotta know how fishy that sounded), and it was not some scam. But I got so many IM's and emails saying "I am not sending money to complete strangers", that I wanted to clear this up. I also couldn't see the logic in my father having to RESEND everything that came through him. God what if you sent a fruit basket? No, this way you have my address and if you want to you can drop me a card or some coupons or whatever, you can. Listen, I am having an extremely difficult time with this whole thing. I built 4tvs by myself (Jess and I). I've put my life into it, and HALTED a pretty promising career to make it work on a national level. And to be in this situation honestly feels irresponsible to me. Like I should've been better prepared for this. Then again, the MOOSE thing came out of NOWHERE and now we truly are stuck. If you could possibly spare a couple bones rest assured it would be helping a good 'cause. I'm sure there are more needy people out there, but the payback will be pretty killer for you when I make it. Heh heh. This does feel rather Sally Struthersish.
"And your child will write you letters...and you'll see their progress..."
HAHA, it's the same damn thing. :-) You'll see my progress and I'll write you letters. Ahh, at least I can laugh once today. Oh, jesus, today... Man, can I even begin to tell this story... Let me simply interject before I tell it, that this is in no way meant to make you go: "Awww, poor Adam - here's $10..." I write these first of all because I love to convey emotions. Be it through songs, writing stories, or talking; as I did many times at WTVN. I like making people "feel". And lately the barage of emotions I've felt have been incredible, and I like trying to share them with you. So please try to seperate yourself from life and enjoy it. Let it be a cool soap opera to you. I'm actually straying from the original "Talking Diary" concept this was supposed to be, but I really felt we needed to clear the "money" thing up and I needed to talk directly to you.
Oh, and Mickey all the love in the world to you for that letter. If you don't mind I'm gonna post it on the site. And of course Dad, I can't describe how much you mean to me right now. And after all that...the day:
4:30 AM
<CONSTANT MEOWING> (on my face for an hour)
J-DOG is ready to go outside again. To bad he never will. He's gonna have to be an inside cat. I mean dog...
7:30 AM
I'll spare you the details of my mother's phone call. Other than this line:
"Oh, it's only 7:30 there! Ha, I'm sorry...."
God love anyone who calls us, but for christ's sake please remember we're 3 hours behind.
8:02 AM
<EARTHQUAKE> (actually just the FREAKIN' stereo next door...)
"BAILAMOS! Let the rhythym take you over BAILAMOS!"
Now, I like this song, but it actually hurt my ear drums to feel the bass this loud. So I'm up.
9:15 AM
I see that Bobby Phills got killed in a car accident. Totally shakes me up. I met and talked to him the day I met Jordan up in Cleveland. A couple nights before, Moose and I watched him play the Lakers and kick ass. It really made me numb. He was only 30.
10:30 AM
Jess and I go off for our daily dumpster diving expedition and grocery shopping. What once was adventurous completely changed today. It hurt today. I was in a pissy mood to begin with, and this just got me depressed to no end. First we had to find the post office, because my father sent me a package that was a little big for our box and instead of leaving it with the front office, they took it back to the post office. I guess this is routine, but they always left it at my door in Columbus. UPS AND USPS. In the package was a check that I know was not easy for my dad to give. He's raising a 10 year old boy and it has to be rough. It just made me sad. Unearned money. I don't know why I have such an aversion to it. But we do need it. That of course made me feel like I couldn't "provide" for Jess. I needed someone else's help. Then again, I chose this. I could go get a job in radio if I wanted, but I'm trying to break that comfort and MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
Didn't matter, any rational hurt more. We found some dumpsters that looked full, and just maybe it would have something we could use. We need shelves really bad. We can't unload our boxes because there's no place to put anything. And of course some sort of bed. As I put the truck in park and got out, I kind of watched myself from Jess's point of view. Is she proud of me? How long is it going to take before she thinks: "Jesus, my fiancee is in a dumpster looking through trash for our apartment...what am I doing..." I didn't feel like a man anymore. It just really hit me. I was snapping at Jess's every word. I was so angry. I kept thinking over and over how stupid this was, and I should just go back to radio. Then we went grocery shopping...
Now I've always been a conscious spender. Couldn't have put 4tvs together if I hadn't been. But now we're really talking pennies. We actually stopped at the wonder thrift store to buy ONE loaf of bread because it was 49 cents. I was embarassed at the checkout counter. At the other grocery store, it was like everything we bought, was put on my shoulders. By the end, when our weeks food was only $18 I still felt like we spent too much.
The ride home was worse. A few more dumpsters, and me as surly as could be. I was starting fights for no reason, and everytime I'd do it it would make me feel like shit. When we got home, I got angry because she couldn't carry enough. I love her so goddamn much, and this other person was coming out that I could only watch. Now I never "raised" my voice, but I was a dick. Just pissy. We finally get everything up those infamous stairs and I see a note on our door. We missed another GODDAMN package. We have to go back out to get it. I threw that fucking piece of paper down and yelled something, I don't even remember. Jess calmly picked it up and read that they left it at the front office. I dropped the groceries and said I would get it. I was fuming, and I needed to be alone. It's a nice little walk to the office.
As I walked, I seemed to get more and more frustrated. I don't know why. I was fine yesterday, but now...Jesus, I can't do this. Everyone would understand if I just got back into radio and didn't really push 4tvs that hard. I kept thinking about CD101 and how I should've stayed. It was really boiling up. I got to the office and the package was from an old listener and a great supporter of 4tvs. Inside was a check for $500.
I cried. I just cried. So much emotion today, and then this. As if a sign from all of you saying: "We are here for you, we will not let you fail..." When I got back to the apartment I sat on the couch and regained composure. I showed Jessica the check and she had the same readtion I did. We just hugged each other and tried to calm down. It wasn't the money. That didn't solve our problems. The money will help pay for the work done on Jessica's car last month that she had to get fixed before the trip. Somehow we still have to make 3 people's salaries working shitty jobs to make it. What it did, was open my eyes to how much you all care about us. How much you believe in what I'm trying to accomplish. And the final reason for my emotions were that I know I will do this. Yes, I may have to accept others help. I may not be able to do this alone. But I will make it. I will not leave this city, until I've knocked down every freakin' door. I have hundreds of people back home who are rooting for me like I'm a football team. I will make it. And you better believe I will return the favors bestowed upon me in ways none of you can imagine.
So thank you so much Mr. Penny (that's what I'll call the listener). You singlehandedly kept me going, and allowed me to swallow my pride here at the beginning and try to accept the help that I'm being offered. I will keep track every name and address and believe me, there's gonna be one helluva party in a couple years.
And just like that, I was OK. In the coming weeks, I may see a check for $10 bucks that will buy a shitload of Ramen noodles, and I will be forever thankful. It could be more or less. But day after day, things will improve. Soon we will be on our feet and finding a way to make this happen. I'll be able to concentrate on promotions, and eventually I will hit paydirt. I have no doubt. This idea is so far beyond what's going on in this city, I will stand out. I simply first have to stand up. And because of all of you, I will.
The most sincerest of thank yous,
Jess & Adam
P.S. I decided against including a video of us weeping (heh heh), and instead here's a link to the birthday song Jess and I made for my little brother Kenny a couple days ago. He turned ten on Monday. Happy Birthday Kenny!
original video file