What
a freakin' day. Everything came to a head
today and then exploded. But first things
first:
Check
out the site. I've added QUITE a bit. You
can now read all the entries I've sent,
most all of your reactions...and the
movies. Very nifty.
Secondly
Jess got a job at a pharmacy starting
Monday (we think it's only minimum wage,
not sure yet) but it's a start until we
find more jobs. I'll know Friday if my
interview at Sam Ash went well yesterday.
I could be starting Monday as
well.
YouTube
link added
12.20.07
Thirdly, I
got word of the "help-jar" for me and Jess a couple
days ago and I have to say, I'm pretty floored. It is
so overwhelming to know how supportive you all are.
It's one of the only things that keeps my spirits
high. Now a few of you have written me back and said
you were a little concerned about sending money to a
complete stranger and I understand your concern. I
wouldn't if I were you. So, I'm just gonna give out my
address (stop GASPING dad, let me explain). I've
struggled with this for a couple of days. I've never
been one for handouts, I've tried to do everything on
my own, but honestly - yeah, a couple of bucks would
help TREMENDOUSLY. And you gotta know, you just gotta
KNOW you'll be getting all sorts of free shit when I
make it. Now I've read the list over and over and
over. I know just about every one of you by name. All
I ask, is that you keep it to yourselves. Simple as
that. I will be moving in 6 months when this lease is
up (now that we're here we've seen some places for a
little cheaper that are just as nice), so if I get
famous 300 people won't have my address. But right
now, I'm not famous, and I just spent the day driving
around dumpsters looking for a bed. So
here:
No,
I'm not posting it on the
internet...
Now, let me
also tell you that "Mickey" is completely legit. The
P.O Box is my father's (sorry you're no longer
anonymous, but you gotta know how fishy that sounded),
and it was not some scam. But I got so many IM's and
emails saying "I am not sending money to complete
strangers", that I wanted to clear this up. I also
couldn't see the logic in my father having to RESEND
everything that came through him. God what if you sent
a fruit basket? No, this way you have my address and
if you want to you can drop me a card or some coupons
or whatever, you can. Listen, I am having an extremely
difficult time with this whole thing. I built 4tvs by
myself (Jess and I). I've put my life into it, and
HALTED a pretty promising career to make it work on a
national level. And to be in this situation honestly
feels irresponsible to me. Like I should've been
better prepared for this. Then again, the MOOSE thing
came out of NOWHERE and now we truly are stuck. If you
could possibly spare a couple bones rest assured it
would be helping a good 'cause. I'm sure there are
more needy people out there, but the payback will be
pretty killer for you when I make it. Heh heh. This
does feel rather Sally Struthersish.
"And your
child will write you letters...and you'll see their
progress..."
HAHA, it's
the same damn thing. :-) You'll see my progress and
I'll write you letters. Ahh, at least I can laugh once
today. Oh, jesus, today... Man, can I even begin to
tell this story... Let me simply interject before I
tell it, that this is in no way meant to make you go:
"Awww, poor Adam - here's $10..." I write these first
of all because I love to convey emotions. Be it
through songs, writing stories, or talking; as I did
many times at WTVN. I like making people "feel". And
lately the barage of emotions I've felt have been
incredible, and I like trying to share them with you.
So please try to seperate yourself from life and enjoy
it. Let it be a cool soap opera to you. I'm actually
straying from the original "Talking Diary" concept
this was supposed to be, but I really felt we needed
to clear the "money" thing up and I needed to talk
directly to you.
Oh, and
Mickey all the love in the world to you for that
letter. If you don't mind I'm gonna post it on the
site.
And of course Dad, I can't describe how much you mean
to me right now. And after all that...the
day:
4:30
AM
<CONSTANT
MEOWING> (on my face for an hour)
J-DOG is
ready to go outside again. To bad he never will. He's
gonna have to be an inside cat. I mean
dog...
7:30
AM
<RING>
I'll spare
you the details of my mother's phone call. Other than
this line:
"Oh, it's
only 7:30 there! Ha, I'm sorry...."
God love
anyone who calls us, but for christ's sake please
remember we're 3 hours behind.
8:02
AM
<EARTHQUAKE>
(actually just the FREAKIN' stereo next
door...)
"BAILAMOS!
Let the rhythym take you over BAILAMOS!"
Now, I
like this song, but it actually hurt my ear drums
to feel the bass this loud. So I'm up.
I'M UP.
9:15
AM
I see that
Bobby Phills got killed in a car accident. Totally
shakes me up. I met and talked to him the day I met
Jordan up in Cleveland. A couple nights before, Moose
and I watched him play the Lakers and kick ass. It
really made me numb. He was only 30.
10:30
AM
Jess and I
go off for our daily dumpster diving expedition and
grocery shopping. What once was adventurous completely
changed today. It hurt today. I was in a pissy mood to
begin with, and this just got me depressed to no end.
First we had to find the post office, because my
father sent me a package that was a little big for our
box and instead of leaving it with the front office,
they took it back to the post office. I guess this is
routine, but they always left it at my door in
Columbus. UPS AND USPS. In the package was a check
that I know was not easy for my dad to give. He's
raising a 10 year old boy and it has to be rough. It
just made me sad. Unearned money. I don't know why I
have such an aversion to it. But we do need it. That
of course made me feel like I couldn't "provide" for
Jess. I needed someone else's help. Then again, I
chose this. I could go get a job in radio if I wanted,
but I'm trying to break that comfort and MAKE THIS
HAPPEN.
Didn't
matter, any rational hurt more. We found some
dumpsters that looked full, and just maybe it would
have something we could use. We need shelves really
bad. We can't unload our boxes because there's no
place to put anything. And of course some sort of bed.
As I put the truck in park and got out, I kind of
watched myself from Jess's point of view. Is she proud
of me? How long is it going to take before she thinks:
"Jesus, my fiancee is in a dumpster looking through
trash for our apartment...what am I doing..." I didn't
feel like a man anymore. It just really hit me. I was
snapping at Jess's every word. I was so angry. I kept
thinking over and over how stupid this was, and I
should just go back to radio. Then we went grocery
shopping...
Now I've
always been a conscious spender. Couldn't have put
4tvs together if I hadn't been. But now we're really
talking pennies. We actually stopped at the wonder
thrift store to buy ONE loaf of bread because it was
49 cents. I was embarassed at the checkout counter. At
the other grocery store, it was like everything we
bought, was put on my shoulders. By the end, when our
weeks food was only $18 I still felt like we spent too
much.
The ride
home was worse. A few more dumpsters, and me as surly
as could be. I was starting fights for no reason, and
everytime I'd do it it would make me feel like shit.
When we got home, I got angry because she couldn't
carry enough. I love her so goddamn much, and this
other person was coming out that I could only watch.
Now I never "raised" my voice, but I was a dick. Just
pissy. We finally get everything up those infamous
stairs and I see a note on our door. We missed another
GODDAMN package. We have to go back out to get it. I
threw that fucking piece of paper down and yelled
something, I don't even remember. Jess calmly picked
it up and read that they left it at the front office.
I dropped the groceries and said I would get it. I was
fuming, and I needed to be alone. It's a nice little
walk to the office.
As I
walked, I seemed to get more and more frustrated. I
don't know why. I was fine yesterday, but now...Jesus,
I can't do this. Everyone would understand if I just
got back into radio and didn't really push 4tvs that
hard. I kept thinking about CD101 and how I should've
stayed. It was really boiling up. I got to the office
and the package was from an old listener and a great
supporter of 4tvs. Inside was a check for $500.
I cried. I
just cried. So much emotion today, and then this. As
if a sign from all of you saying: "We are here for
you, we will not let you fail..." When I got back to
the apartment I sat on the couch and regained
composure. I showed Jessica the check and she had the
same readtion I did. We just hugged each other and
tried to calm down. It wasn't the money. That didn't
solve our problems. The money will help pay for the
work done on Jessica's car last month that she had to
get fixed before the trip. Somehow we still have to
make 3 people's salaries working shitty jobs to make
it. What it did, was open my eyes to how much you all
care about us. How much you believe in what I'm trying
to accomplish. And the final reason for my emotions
were that I know I will do this. Yes, I may have to
accept others help. I may not be able to do this
alone. But I will make it. I will not leave this city,
until I've knocked down every freakin' door. I have
hundreds of people back home who are rooting for me
like I'm a football team. I will make it. And you
better believe I will return the favors bestowed upon
me in ways none of you can imagine.
So thank
you so much Mr. Penny (that's what I'll call the
listener). You singlehandedly kept me going, and
allowed me to swallow my pride here at the beginning
and try to accept the help that I'm being offered. I
will keep track every name and address and believe me,
there's gonna be one helluva party in a couple
years.
And just
like that, I was OK. In the coming weeks, I may see a
check for $10 bucks that will buy a shitload of Ramen
noodles, and I will be forever thankful. It could be
more or less. But day after day, things will improve.
Soon we will be on our feet and finding a way to make
this happen. I'll be able to concentrate on
promotions, and eventually I will hit paydirt. I have
no doubt. This idea is so far beyond what's going on
in this city, I will stand out. I simply first have to
stand up. And because of all of you, I
will.
The most
sincerest of thank yous,
Jess &
Adam
P.S. I
decided against including a video of us weeping (heh
heh), and instead here's a link to the birthday song
Jess and I made for my little brother Kenny a couple
days ago. He turned ten on Monday. Happy
Birthday Kenny!