6:33 PM, Monday, May 9th 2005:
"One from my perspective...
...and one from hers..."
The famous last words of the final entry in April probably didn't fool too many of you. Then again considering all the players in this story you had to second guess your gut instinct. The picture speaks volumes of course and most likely confirms what many of you thought all along: my heart was always in one place no matter how friggin' hard I tried to hand it out to the world. You can only lead with your heart when it's solely in your possession, and apparently I ignored that rule.
You lead with more than your heart there, asshole. ;-)
...and WE'RE OFF! So Jessica is going to be helping with today's entry and hopefully we can shed some light on things from two different perspectives. To all the non-believers out there, she is actually sitting next to me at Panera Bread (as my internet is down at home) and we're typing on my brand new ready-for-Japan vaio laptop. I figured the only plausible way to tell this story is together. Let me first start off with a few apologies...
Even throughout our split in July I was very, very cautious about what I divulged in our personal life. It was more of a chronicle of dealing with pain and loss as opposed to actual events that brought us apart. To the readers, the biggest problem was LA in general and I merely alluded to any other issues.
However during the "Minialaur" entries of last month so much can be gleaned from those goddamn instant messages and I feel sick about it at this point. All the "I've never had a connection like this with anyone..." lines were obviously a direct SLAP in the face to not only Jessica, but to everyone who knows and loves her. The bottom line with that entire chapter in my life can be summed up in one word:  potential. I mentioned it in the last entry, and I know many of you have been in these situations (present company included). You see the possibility for something so strongly that you project and project and project. I obviously feel like there's egg on my face and the urge to hide every word I said is insanely strong...but that is the crux of the journey. I think it's wrong for me to hide a character flaw and of course now I'm left trying to pick up the pieces. I also mentioned issues with food in an instant message and that Jess always had "junk" food around and it just never occured to me that I was putting her in a bad light. It's obviously my issue that I need to eat every goddamn cookie in a box, not hers for buying a box of cookies. I don't however make that clear in the instant message and I am very sorry for that. This entry will border on personal throughout, but it's the only way to make everyone understand our perspective.
Now, what the hell is with this happy ass picture? I thought you guys were enemies...
Gosh... When is the last time we looked so happy and in love on this website?
I believe it was 2000.
That really sucks. Because I never stopped loving you and I was happy a long time after 2000. And through it all, even through a divorce we were never enemies.
Well I am to blame for making anyone think there was hatred, 'cause well...there was on my end for a few days for sure. Of course it's always the ones you love that you can be so passionate about hating. LOL. (sigh) I guess there's no way to avoid "Vegas Guy" or what specifically made that situation really piss me off...
Alright, first of all let's stop the bullshit all parties involved know what's going on, his name is...
Give him an alias, been down this road and I still feel guilty for Palaur.
Fair enough, I know how easy it is to google a name combination. ;-)
Can I name him!?!??!?
I don't think so... He'll be Moe. Moe was my boss, he was married, and I was dating him before I met Adam. Whew. Not sure what my intentions were at the time, I was only 19. When I met Adam the relationship ended immediately.
Obviously I have zero room to talk in this area and have never passed judgement because of the actions when you were 19. My biggest gripe then was that the situation wasn't taken seriously on either side which I thought was disrespectful to Moe's wife. You weren't his only affair and I was extremely angry that you were still working for him after this. But we soon moved to LA never to deal with that situation again. Once we were seperated last year contact was made again and the "Vegas Guy" was born.
It seems pretty natural, when a relationship ends, to seek answers by going through your past and I looked at the relationship I had immediately before this one. Yes, the relationship was immature then and it wasn't taken seriously. As I continued to work for him after it was over, he told me things that he hadn't told me during, and I guess I wondered how we would be now that that information and those feelings weren't hid.
God I'm glad I can talk about this now. When you first said the name Moe in early February this year it was a nice kick in the stomach, but my second thought was actually pretty understanding. Old flames fuckin rule for a little bit and if given the chance I'd do the same. I remember smiling and looking at you and saying something to the effect of "Well, obviously he left his wife after all this time and I can see how attractive that is for you..." And then you told me he was still married to the same woman. I was livid. Either you were stupid enough to think there was potential for a real relationship or you were once again trying to have a "fling" at his wife's expense. To add to it you were meeting him for the first time in 6 years in Vegas the next week and the lividity (is that a word?) continued. I asked what it was that made you willing to go through all this bullshit and all I can remember you saying is "he makes me feel like a girl". He had sent flowers to your work when you told him you never got them from me.
Well, he was still married, but told me that the marriage was long over and that he only had to find the courage within himself to end things with her. He did make me feel "like a girl," though. Adam, you and I always prided ourselves on how casual and laid-back our relationship was. I don't think I knew what it was, exactly, that I felt was missing, until Moe did those things for me. Was it insincere that he sent flowers because I said I never got them from you? Yeah, a little. But, he stopped the cycle. The cycle that you and I created of "You never get me flowers." "Well, now I can't get them because you asked!" :-)
Which brings us to the next day which I described here, where I started realizing that the money I was making was changing my view on things. It no longer made me sick to my stomach to spend $20 on flowers because it didn't mean we would have to eat more ramen fuckin noodles. The money I was making just took all that shit off my shoulders. I could be me. The whole "what-if" game started running through my mind - "what if I had this job before our split?" and the big one "Now you actually could stay home with the kids!" Something we never thought was possible. You hate to think that money can change so much, but goddamn sometimes it does. I was struck with this urgency to let you know all of this as soon as possible... and as has been well documented on the site no matter what I said or did - you were going to Vegas with him. I was absolutely astounded that a guy you obviously had no future with as he was still married and a compulsive cheater was more important to you than spending time with me dealing with all these new variables.
When you love somebody as much as I love you, you want to ensure their happiness no matter what the cost. I thought you were jealous of Moe, and although it hurt me to see you like that I thought we were better off apart, for the same reasons we made that heart-wrenching decision in the first place. I really thought I was helping you by not allowing us to fall back into the comfort of "us".
Well thanks! (sigh). So we kind of parted ways for a few weeks as I was incredibly "done". Then of course we had the secret week together at the end of March and it was amazing. Basically because we didn't deal with anything - we just spent time loving each other. Reconnecting on every level that didn't "hurt". It was all so frustrating to me because had we done this in February, so much could have happened - but we were racing against the clock again and you got on the plane again although you were certain you'd be back. I however wasn't so certain. I felt it was another opportunity lost. You promised me the relationship with Moe was over, but I was still amazed you didn't STAY HERE LONGER. What's the RUSH?
Well I did have to get on a plane from Columbus to Cancun a week later, but there's more to why I went back then just that...
Hang on, let me look bad for a second. In the midst of all this the brand new and improved Palaur 2 happens and I'm embroiled in the craziness that was April 2005. However during everything Jess and I talked, and talked, and talked. Sometimes almost 6 hours a night (thank GOD for free mobile-to-mobile). We continued to be close, of course now I was the one in a relationship with a married person and Jess wanting to get back together. (sigh) I swear our timing is fuckin' Shakespearean.
Et Tu Brute?
Touche. I had to see this new situation through as you did with Moe. The parallels were rather striking, however I have to say a thousand times - I would never have gotten BACK into a relationship with Laura if she was still with Pat. This was completely new and I had to give Alaur a chance to at least be honorable. As we all know it was a world record for speed and I made it clear to her that I just couldn't even be friends with someone who didn't take the situation SERIOUSLY. Of course there was a certain phone call in the middle of EVEN THAT crazy situation that blew EVERYTHING up.
So the wife calls me. Get the entry title now? Yes, Moe's wife tracked me down through some internet detective work (google is unfucking real) and called me at work. I guess that entry will now be unlocked. Long story short, she let me in on alllllllll sorts of lies on both sides. She wanted the truth about everything as she was just figuring out all this shit that had happened and well, she came to the right person. I had always defended her even in 1998 and was more than willing to at least tell her what I knew. What I wasn't ready to find out was that I didn't even know half of the story. Jess and Moe met BEFORE Vegas in LA? Jess and Moe were together AFTER the secret week!??! I called Jess immediately and she said they were together after, but only as friends and that LA never happened. So now Moe was SUPER LIAR of the century. It was an incredible day going back and forth trying to figure everything out. I was so exhausted I left work early to just decompress. Went out to eat with Paddy just to tell this CRAZY story. When I got back around midnight I got an email from Jess:
I was sitting here preparing myself for the
conversation with my mother, trying to be as honest
with her and with myself as possible, when I just
broke down because I have not been honest with you.
After everything you've always tried to ingrain in me,
I lied to you. Not that it's any excuse, but I was in
such a strange time in my life and I made the wrong
choices. I know that if I ever expect to have any kind
of relationship with you, even in friendship, that I
must tell you this. I'm so sorry and I'm pretty sure I
know what this means for us.
I have never been unfaithful to you and everything
that I told you about my relationship with Moe is true
up until the end of January. That is when the
confusion of our situation got the best of me and when
I began this terrible path of dishonesty. I had dinner
with Moe on Jan. 31st. We did get locked out of our
cars and went up to my store until morning, so that he
could go back down to get his in the morning. I had to
open in the morning, so I knew I should go straight
there. (I swore up and down to you today on the phone
that I didn't, but I am quite ashamed to say that I
held back because I wasn't ready for the conversation.
Completely selfish, again, I know.) I then proceeded
to go overnight with him to Santa Barbara the next
day. I had sex with him that night and that is the
night I refer to when I say that I cried the whole
time because it hurt to be with someone other than
you. I knew we were through and I was trying to move
on, even if he wasn't the proper choice.
So Vegas was the second trip for us. I don't know
what led me to deceive you like this. Except that it
was uncharted territory and I didn't know how to
behave in that situation. Looking back, behaving
honestly seems like the right and intrinsic thing to
do. When you came to me that night at Chevy's and
told me about your "experience," I began to tell you.
I guess I didn't really expect you to look so hurt
when I began telling you, after what you had just told
me. I got scared and I only told you about what was
going to happen, not what had already happened.
In hindsight, I know I would have saved you a lot of
undue stress and heartache had I told you that then,
and I will never forgive myself for that. I guess I
assumed you wouldn't talk to me ever again if I went
through with Vegas, (just as I'm thinking that writing
this to you now,) and that, in the end, what did the
dates mean? We were through, and I didn't see a
relationship for us in the future.
I wasn't lying when I told you that I really thought
I was saving you from falling back into the trap of
"us" when I went to Vegas. I thought you were just
jealous and I didn't want us to backtrack and ever
have to go through what we went through the 6 months
previous to that. I'm sorry that after all this, I was
still able to be jealous enough to spin your world
around when I found out about Alaur.
Adam, I am not at all proud of how I've acted with
you these last few months and the information I've
withheld. I can only compare it to you having "locked"
entries - a mass of concealed information so as not to
hurt my feelings. Though I can't justify it as you
can, since I said I didn't want to know, that's the
only thing I can liken it to and pray that it makes
some sense to you. I know that I have hurt you and for
that I am deeply sorry.
Incidentally, while I was writing this, my mom came
in and I told her everything. I know you never thought
I would, but I guess I've decided it was time to face
the consequences of my actions. And yes,.I told her
everything. If I missed anything in the conversation,
it was out of pure overwhelment with all I had to
tell. I no longer contain the secrets I once did,
and I thank you, with all sincerity, for helping me
find the courage to do it. I hope you can appreciate
the courage it took for this letter, though I'm sure
you're very angry and hurt. I never wanted to hurt
you, Adam. On the contrary, I hoped I could protect
I love you. And again, I apologize.
I, was, destroyed. And even this wasn't the whole story. They were "together" just 2 days after our beautiful "secret week" and yet another time she swore up and down nothing happened. I'm not sure I've ever wanted to spit in someone's face more. Ugh. I hope my "I don't love you anymore" song has a little more insight. I realize friends and family saw that, and since I used an old Jessica song for the melody - the connection was pretty obvious. I watch it again, and I'm just so angry and hurt there. I know it was harsh, but that's exactly how I felt. Of course I still love her, that's the only reason you can write a song like that.
I was dropped off about 4 hours early for my flight home (I was in North Carolina for a wedding that weekend) and knew there was no way I could not call her. I had avoided calling her for 4 days (which in Adam "Mr. Communication" Kontras time was unBEARable) and I called her up and just waited for any response.
It took all I had in me to not pick up the phone and call you that weekend. I thought I owed you a chance to hurt without me interfering.
Thanks!!! ;-)
(sigh) When you called, all I could do was say I was sorry. I knew you wanted more from me but there was nothing else to give.
I didn't know what the hell I wanted honestly. I just knew that every day that passed ripped you up more because the old me would have called you within 4 minutes let alone 4 days. I thought I should stop the waiting game for you.
Then of course I got drunk on the plane and my wall came down a bit more. Enter the "Forty Reasons" poem. After that saga I called Jess back and just said I loved her. That's the thing about alcohol man... your grudges start to waiver.
Of course that night the rest of the lies were told (about the subsequent times after the "Secret week") and I was just ripped up. Realize during all this...I'm still dealing with ALAUR!! FUCKIN HELL. I had no one to talk to...except you. Blessing and a curse really.
I didn't know what made you call me over the next few days, I was just so glad you did. There was a alot of anger on your part and a lot of guilt and self-loathing on my part - and a lot of exhaustion between the both of us. Somehow we were able to start talking like human beings again. Honestly, I felt like it was my pennance to help you and Alaur. I figured I owed you that much friendship.
I certainly needed that. Alaur was starting to be very clear as I've described in so many entries - my tolerance for her situation was sooooooooooooooo low. Even with your support, I couldn't support her decisions or lackthereof.
So there we were again, seemingly single, and connecting.
Enter a flight to LA.
Can we make this a second entry? This is going to be way too long and your entries are always long-winded.
:-) Fair enough. Wow, this is really long. But what a story huh? To be continued...
Jess and Adam