- 6:33 PM, Monday,
May 9th 2005:
- "One from
- ...and one
- The famous last
words of the final entry in April probably didn't fool
too many of you. Then again considering all the
players in this story you had to second guess your gut
instinct. The picture speaks volumes of course and
most likely confirms what many of you thought all
along: my heart was always in one place no matter how
friggin' hard I tried to hand it out to the
world. You can only lead with your heart when it's
solely in your possession, and apparently
I ignored that rule.
- You lead with more
than your heart there, asshole. ;-)
WE'RE OFF! So Jessica is going to be helping with
today's entry and hopefully we can shed some light on
things from two different perspectives. To all the
non-believers out there, she is actually sitting next
to me at Panera Bread (as my internet is down at home)
and we're typing on my brand new ready-for-Japan vaio
laptop. I figured the only plausible way to tell this
story is together. Let me first start off with a few
- Even throughout
our split in July I was very, very cautious about
what I divulged in our personal life. It was more
of a chronicle of dealing with pain and loss as
opposed to actual events that brought us apart. To the
readers, the biggest problem was LA in general and
I merely alluded to any other issues.
- However during the
"Minialaur" entries of last month so much can be
gleaned from those goddamn instant messages and
I feel sick about it at this point. All the "I've
never had a connection like this with anyone..." lines
were obviously a direct SLAP in the face to not only
Jessica, but to everyone who knows and loves her. The
bottom line with that entire chapter in my life can be
summed up in one word: potential.
I mentioned it in the last entry, and I know
many of you have been in these situations (present
company included). You see the possibility for
something so strongly that you project and project and
project. I obviously feel like there's egg on my
face and the urge to hide every word I said is
insanely strong...but that is the crux of the journey.
I think it's wrong for me to hide a character flaw and
of course now I'm left trying to pick up the pieces.
I also mentioned issues with food in an instant
message and that Jess always had "junk" food
around and it just never occured to me that I was
putting her in a bad light. It's obviously my issue
that I need to eat every goddamn cookie in a box,
not hers for buying a box of cookies. I don't however
make that clear in the instant message and I am very
sorry for that. This entry will border on personal
throughout, but it's the only way to make everyone
understand our perspective.
- Now, what the hell
is with this happy ass picture? I thought you
guys were enemies...
- Gosh... When
is the last time we looked so happy and in love
on this website?
- I believe it
- That really sucks.
Because I never stopped loving you and I was happy a
long time after 2000. And through it all, even through
a divorce we were never enemies.
- Well I am to blame
for making anyone think there was hatred, 'cause
well...there was on my end for a few days for sure. Of
course it's always the ones you love that you can be
so passionate about hating. LOL. (sigh)
I guess there's no way to avoid "Vegas
Guy" or what specifically made that situation
really piss me off...
- Alright, first of
all let's stop the bullshit all parties involved know
what's going on, his name is...
- Give him an alias,
been down this road and I still feel guilty for
- Fair enough,
I know how easy it is to google a name
- Can I name
- I don't think
so... He'll be Moe. Moe was my boss, he was married,
and I was dating him before I met Adam.
Whew. Not sure what my intentions were at the time,
I was only 19. When I met Adam the
relationship ended immediately.
I have zero room to talk in this area and have
never passed judgement because of the actions when you
were 19. My biggest gripe then was that the situation
wasn't taken seriously on either side which
I thought was disrespectful to Moe's wife. You
weren't his only affair and I was extremely angry
that you were still working for him after this. But we
soon moved to LA never to deal with that situation
again. Once we were seperated last year contact was
made again and the "Vegas Guy" was born.
- It seems pretty
natural, when a relationship ends, to seek answers by
going through your past and I looked at the
relationship I had immediately before this one. Yes,
the relationship was immature then and it wasn't taken
seriously. As I continued to work for him after it was
over, he told me things that he hadn't told me during,
and I guess I wondered how we would be now that that
information and those feelings weren't
- God I'm glad
I can talk about this now. When you first said
the name Moe in early February this year it was a nice
kick in the stomach, but my second thought was
actually pretty understanding. Old flames fuckin rule
for a little bit and if given the chance I'd do the
same. I remember smiling and looking at you and saying
something to the effect of "Well, obviously he left
his wife after all this time and I can see how
attractive that is for you..." And then you told me he
was still married to the same woman. I was livid.
Either you were stupid enough to think there was
potential for a real relationship or you were once
again trying to have a "fling" at his wife's expense.
To add to it you were meeting him for the first time
in 6 years in Vegas the next week and the lividity (is
that a word?) continued. I asked what it was that
made you willing to go through all this bullshit and
all I can remember you saying is "he makes me feel
like a girl". He had sent flowers to your work when
you told him you never got them from me.
- Well, he
was still married, but told me that the
marriage was long over and that he only had to find
the courage within himself to end things with her. He
did make me feel "like a girl," though. Adam, you and
I always prided ourselves on how casual and laid-back
our relationship was. I don't think I knew what it
was, exactly, that I felt was missing, until Moe did
those things for me. Was it insincere that he sent
flowers because I said I never got them from you?
Yeah, a little. But, he stopped the cycle. The cycle
that you and I created of "You never get me flowers."
"Well, now I can't get them because you asked!"
- Which brings us to
the next day which I described here,
where I started realizing that the money I was
making was changing my view on things. It no longer
made me sick to my stomach to spend $20 on flowers
because it didn't mean we would have to eat more ramen
fuckin noodles. The money I was making just took
all that shit off my shoulders. I could be me.
The whole "what-if" game started running through
my mind - "what if I had this job before our split?"
and the big one "Now you actually could stay home
with the kids!" Something we never thought was
possible. You hate to think that money can change so
much, but goddamn sometimes it does. I was struck
with this urgency to let you know all of this as soon
as possible... and as has been well documented on the
site no matter what I said or did - you were
going to Vegas with him. I was absolutely
astounded that a guy you obviously had no
future with as he was still married and a compulsive
cheater was more important to you than spending time
with me dealing with all these new variables.
- When you love
somebody as much as I love you, you want to
ensure their happiness no matter what the cost. I
thought you were jealous of Moe, and although it hurt
me to see you like that I thought we were better
off apart, for the same reasons we made that
heart-wrenching decision in the first place.
I really thought I was helping you by not
allowing us to fall back into the comfort of
- Well thanks!
(sigh). So we kind of parted ways for a few weeks as
I was incredibly "done". Then of course we had
the secret week together at the end of March and it
was amazing. Basically because we didn't deal with
anything - we just spent time loving each other.
Reconnecting on every level that didn't "hurt". It was
all so frustrating to me because had we done this in
February, so much could have happened - but we were
racing against the clock again and you got on
the plane again although you were certain you'd
be back. I however wasn't so certain. I felt it
was another opportunity lost. You promised me the
relationship with Moe was over, but I was still amazed
you didn't STAY HERE LONGER. What's the
- Well I did have to
get on a plane from Columbus to Cancun a week later,
but there's more to why I went back then just
- Hang on, let me
look bad for a second. In the midst of all this the
brand new and improved Palaur 2 happens and I'm
embroiled in the craziness that was April 2005.
However during everything Jess and I talked, and
talked, and talked. Sometimes almost 6 hours a night
(thank GOD for free mobile-to-mobile). We
continued to be close, of course now I was the
one in a relationship with a married person and Jess
wanting to get back together. (sigh) I swear our
timing is fuckin' Shakespearean.
- Et Tu
- Touche. I had to
see this new situation through as you did with Moe.
The parallels were rather striking, however
I have to say a thousand times - I would
never have gotten BACK into a relationship with
Laura if she was still with Pat. This was completely
new and I had to give Alaur a chance to at least
be honorable. As we all know it was a world record for
speed and I made it clear to her that I just
couldn't even be friends with someone who didn't take
the situation SERIOUSLY. Of course there was a certain
phone call in the middle of EVEN THAT crazy
situation that blew EVERYTHING up.
- So the wife calls
me. Get the entry title now? Yes, Moe's wife tracked
me down through some internet detective work (google
is unfucking real) and called me at work. I guess
that entry will now be unlocked. Long story short, she
let me in on alllllllll sorts of lies on both sides.
She wanted the truth about everything as she was just
figuring out all this shit that had happened and well,
she came to the right person. I had always defended
her even in 1998 and was more than willing to at least
tell her what I knew. What I wasn't ready to
find out was that I didn't even know half of the
story. Jess and Moe met BEFORE Vegas in LA? Jess
and Moe were together AFTER the secret week!??!
I called Jess immediately and she said they
were together after, but only as friends and
that LA never happened. So now Moe was SUPER
LIAR of the century. It was an incredible day
going back and forth trying to figure everything out.
I was so exhausted I left work early to just
decompress. Went out to eat with Paddy just to tell
this CRAZY story. When I got back around midnight
I got an email from Jess:
- I was
sitting here preparing myself for
with my mother, trying to be as
- with her and
with myself as possible, when I
- broke down
because I have not been honest with
everything you've always tried to ingrain in
- I lied to
you. Not that it's any excuse, but I was
- such a
strange time in my life and I made the
- choices. I
know that if I ever expect to have any
relationship with you, even in friendship, that
- must tell
you this. I'm so sorry and I'm pretty sure
- know what
this means for us.
- I have never
been unfaithful to you and
- that I told
you about my relationship with Moe is
- up until the
end of January. That is when the
- confusion of
our situation got the best of me and
- I began this
terrible path of dishonesty. I had
- with Moe on
Jan. 31st. We did get locked out of
- cars and
went up to my store until morning, so that
- could go
back down to get his in the morning. I had
- open in the
morning, so I knew I should go
- there. (I
swore up and down to you today on the
- that I
didn't, but I am quite ashamed to say that
- held back
because I wasn't ready for the
selfish, again, I know.) I then
- to go
overnight with him to Santa Barbara the
- day. I had
sex with him that night and that is
- night I
refer to when I say that I cried the
- time because
it hurt to be with someone other
- you. I knew
we were through and I was trying to
- on, even if
he wasn't the proper choice.
- So Vegas was
the second trip for us. I don't
- what led me
to deceive you like this. Except that
uncharted territory and I didn't know how
- behave in
that situation. Looking back,
seems like the right and intrinsic thing
- do. When you
came to me that night at Chevy's
- told me
about your "experience," I began to tell
- I guess I
didn't really expect you to look so
- when I began
telling you, after what you had just
- me. I got
scared and I only told you about what
- going to
happen, not what had already happened.
hindsight, I know I would have saved you a lot
- undue stress
and heartache had I told you that
- and I will
never forgive myself for that. I guess
- assumed you
wouldn't talk to me ever again if I
- through with
Vegas, (just as I'm thinking that
- this to you
now,) and that, in the end, what did
- dates mean?
We were through, and I didn't see a
for us in the future.
- I wasn't
lying when I told you that I really
- I was saving
you from falling back into the trap
- "us" when I
went to Vegas. I thought you were
- jealous and
I didn't want us to backtrack and
- have to go
through what we went through the 6
- previous to
that. I'm sorry that after all this, I
- still able
to be jealous enough to spin your
- around when
I found out about Alaur.
- Adam, I am
not at all proud of how I've acted
- you these
last few months and the information
- withheld. I
can only compare it to you having
- entries - a
mass of concealed information so as not
- hurt my
feelings. Though I can't justify it as
- can, since I
said I didn't want to know, that's
- only thing I
can liken it to and pray that it
- some sense
to you. I know that I have hurt you and
- that I am
while I was writing this, my mom
- in and I
told her everything. I know you never
- I would, but
I guess I've decided it was time to
consequences of my actions. And yes,.I told
If I missed anything in the
- it was out
of pure overwhelment with all I had
- tell. I no
longer contain the secrets I once
- and I thank
you, with all sincerity, for helping
- find the
courage to do it. I hope you can
- the courage
it took for this letter, though I'm
- you're very
angry and hurt. I never wanted to
- you, Adam.
On the contrary, I hoped I could
- I love you.
And again, I apologize.
- I, was, destroyed.
And even this wasn't the whole story. They were
"together" just 2 days after our beautiful "secret
week" and yet another time she swore up and down
nothing happened. I'm not sure I've ever wanted to
spit in someone's face more. Ugh. I hope my "I don't
love you anymore" song has a little more insight.
I realize friends and family saw that, and since
I used an old Jessica song for the melody - the
connection was pretty obvious. I watch it again,
and I'm just so angry and hurt there. I know it was
harsh, but that's exactly how I felt. Of course
I still love her, that's the only reason you can
write a song like that.
- I was dropped off
about 4 hours early for my flight home (I was in North
Carolina for a wedding that weekend) and knew there
was no way I could not call her. I had
avoided calling her for 4 days (which in Adam "Mr.
Communication" Kontras time was unBEARable) and
I called her up and just waited for any response.
- It took all
I had in me to not pick up the phone and call you
that weekend. I thought I owed you a chance
to hurt without me interfering.
- (sigh) When you
called, all I could do was say I was sorry.
I knew you wanted more from me but there was nothing
else to give.
- I didn't know what
the hell I wanted honestly. I just knew that
every day that passed ripped you up more because the
old me would have called you within 4 minutes let
alone 4 days. I thought I should stop the waiting
game for you.
- Then of course
I got drunk on the plane and my wall came down a
bit more. Enter the "Forty
poem. After that saga I called Jess back and just said
I loved her. That's the thing about alcohol man...
your grudges start to waiver.
- Of course that
night the rest of the lies were told (about the
subsequent times after the "Secret week") and
I was just ripped up. Realize during all
this...I'm still dealing with ALAUR!!
FUCKIN HELL. I had no one to talk to...except
you. Blessing and a curse really.
- I didn't know what
made you call me over the next few days, I was just so
glad you did. There was a alot of anger on your part
and a lot of guilt and self-loathing on my part - and
a lot of exhaustion between the both of us. Somehow we
were able to start talking like human beings again.
Honestly, I felt like it was my pennance to help
you and Alaur. I figured I owed you that much
- I certainly needed
that. Alaur was starting to be very clear as I've
described in so many entries - my tolerance for her
situation was sooooooooooooooo low. Even with your
support, I couldn't support her decisions or
- So there we were
again, seemingly single, and connecting.
- Enter a flight to
- Can we make this a
second entry? This is going to be way too long and
your entries are always long-winded.
- :-) Fair enough.
Wow, this is really long. But what a story huh? To be
- Jess and