- 2:29 PM, Sunday,
February 13th, 2005:
-
- Unlike most locked
entries, I know this will be unlocked. It should
probably be unlocked right now - but as I've said
previously, it just isn't time to be that
public.
-
- Last night
I was completely rocked to the core of my heart
by Jessica. Whereas I really thought that wretched
December video would mark the end, the pain has just
begun. I was completely unprepared for what Jess
told me at dinner.
-
- Let me preface
this by saying quite frankly, I've broken the physical
bond with Jess. It shouldn't be much of a surprise to
anyone who knows me and knows that Jess and I made our
split public back in July last year. At many points
during the end of last year Jess said she just didn't
want to know. She wasn't ready. I respected that,
but knew at some point I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad to be
with someone. I know how painful it was for
Jess when she knew I had been with someone else,
and to her credit she was "alright" with
it...
-
- ...then again, I'm
the same person who basically gave her advice on how
to "date" someone else last November. Not sure if that
entry is unlocked yet, so I won't go into too much
detail - but rest assured it was difficult to be
completely alone, giving my wife love advice. So our
pain levels in all this are slightly
equal.
-
- Then came last
night...and suddenly everything has changed. Jess
finally allowed me to know that she has been talking
with the person she was with right before me.
More than just talking of course, reconnecting. For
example, Jess was always sad I never got her
flowers so he sent her flowers at work the next day.
I've always thought a song, a letter or a sincere "I
love you" means the world, but I was
obviously wrong. In turn, I always thought
calling 1-800 Flowers was about as thoughtful as
ordering a pizza. That's just who I am.
-
- Now I remember
this person very well. She continued to work with/for
him when we were first together and it really pissed
me off. He had promised so much and I felt used her,
so I was upset she even allowed him to be her friend.
I thought it was a privilege to be her friend and he
had lost that. Even worse now, his situation hasn't
changed and the fact that she doesn't care kills me.
Because this isn't a physical thing..it is much
more.
-
- Of course now they
are meeting in Vegas next week and I can't say a
daaaaaaamn thing. But you know, I can. My heart
completely belongs to her - and will for the
forseeable future. She knows that me having sex with
someone is about as meaningful as putting a different
game in my Xbox. She knows I'm just incredibly horny
after the longest drought since I was 15 and
that's it. I want nothing to do with ANY real
emotion right now - I can't even begin to fathom
an actual connection.
-
- Now, I can sit
here and argue my side all I want, but the bottom line
is - she's getting what she needs, and I'm getting
what I need. There's really no fault here.
No one should feel guilty for trying to find happiness
in their life after all the sadness we've had. But
throughout all of this Jess and I have had an
incredibly open line of communication...or so I
thought. It's that "betrayal" of sorts that just
rips me apart. I would have told her THAT NIGHT
about my actions if I thought for a second she
wanted to know...
-
- And then comes the
final bit of hell - I just have this overwhelming
feeling of wanting her back. Just saying - fuck it
babe...come back. Not because I'm jealous of him, but
things have really changed. I actually make
enough money that she could actually quit her job and
have a family. I'm fighting the urge to send her
flowers every goddamn day and show her how much
I love and need her. I seem to have the
confidence right now to be everything to her and all
of the sudden I can barely remember why we ever broke
up. Yes there were problems, but can't we beat that?
I hate to say money solves that, but I can't tell
you how many times I wanted to show her how much
I loved her... only to say it as opposed to
getting her something to make her feel
beautiful.
-
- Now, being as
logical as I am - I can play devil's
advocate with the best of them. As I said in the last
entry - it's the weekend, ask me on Wednesday if
I really feel like this. I'm lonely and hurting
and logic has no part in this entry. But stranger
things have happened. I'm accepting my fault in the
relationship and understanding the part this whole
"struggle" played on us. The fact that money is
slowly ceasing to be an issue and my confidence to be
a MAN is flourishing... well it may just be what it
is. Too little too late. I just don't know.
I have to sit with this for a bit and see where
my heart takes me.
-
- But you better
believe I want to sit in her parking lot at work
and beat the fuck out of the FTD sunuvabitch who I'm
certain will be delivering flowers from HIM.
I just need to evaluate WHY I feel
that way...
-
- Adam
-
- PS -
Thanks
Kurt. Your
melodies were better than anyone ever gave you
credit.
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