locked until february 18th
2:29 PM, Sunday, February 13th, 2005:
Unlike most locked entries, I know this will be unlocked. It should probably be unlocked right now - but as I've said previously, it just isn't time to be that public.
Last night I was completely rocked to the core of my heart by Jessica. Whereas I really thought that wretched December video would mark the end, the pain has just begun. I was completely unprepared for what Jess told me at dinner.
Let me preface this by saying quite frankly, I've broken the physical bond with Jess. It shouldn't be much of a surprise to anyone who knows me and knows that Jess and I made our split public back in July last year. At many points during the end of last year Jess said she just didn't want to know. She wasn't ready. I respected that, but knew at some point I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad to be with someone. I know how painful it was for Jess when she knew I had been with someone else, and to her credit she was "alright" with it...
...then again, I'm the same person who basically gave her advice on how to "date" someone else last November. Not sure if that entry is unlocked yet, so I won't go into too much detail - but rest assured it was difficult to be completely alone, giving my wife love advice. So our pain levels in all this are slightly equal.
Then came last night...and suddenly everything has changed. Jess finally allowed me to know that she has been talking with the person she was with right before me. More than just talking of course, reconnecting. For example, Jess was always sad I never got her flowers so he sent her flowers at work the next day. I've always thought a song, a letter or a sincere "I love you" means the world, but I was obviously wrong. In turn, I always thought calling 1-800 Flowers was about as thoughtful as ordering a pizza. That's just who I am.
Now I remember this person very well. She continued to work with/for him when we were first together and it really pissed me off. He had promised so much and I felt used her, so I was upset she even allowed him to be her friend. I thought it was a privilege to be her friend and he had lost that. Even worse now, his situation hasn't changed and the fact that she doesn't care kills me. Because this isn't a physical thing..it is much more.
Of course now they are meeting in Vegas next week and I can't say a daaaaaaamn thing. But you know, I can. My heart completely belongs to her - and will for the forseeable future. She knows that me having sex with someone is about as meaningful as putting a different game in my Xbox. She knows I'm just incredibly horny after the longest drought since I was 15 and that's it. I want nothing to do with ANY real emotion right now - I can't even begin to fathom an actual connection.
Now, I can sit here and argue my side all I want, but the bottom line is - she's getting what she needs, and I'm getting what I need. There's really no fault here. No one should feel guilty for trying to find happiness in their life after all the sadness we've had. But throughout all of this Jess and I have had an incredibly open line of communication...or so I thought. It's that "betrayal" of sorts that just rips me apart. I would have told her THAT NIGHT about my actions if I thought for a second she wanted to know...
And then comes the final bit of hell - I just have this overwhelming feeling of wanting her back. Just saying - fuck it babe...come back. Not because I'm jealous of him, but things have really changed. I actually make enough money that she could actually quit her job and have a family. I'm fighting the urge to send her flowers every goddamn day and show her how much I love and need her. I seem to have the confidence right now to be everything to her and all of the sudden I can barely remember why we ever broke up. Yes there were problems, but can't we beat that? I hate to say money solves that, but I can't tell you how many times I wanted to show her how much I loved her... only to say it as opposed to getting her something to make her feel beautiful.
Now, being as logical as I am - I can play devil's advocate with the best of them. As I said in the last entry - it's the weekend, ask me on Wednesday if I really feel like this. I'm lonely and hurting and logic has no part in this entry. But stranger things have happened. I'm accepting my fault in the relationship and understanding the part this whole "struggle" played on us. The fact that money is slowly ceasing to be an issue and my confidence to be a MAN is flourishing... well it may just be what it is. Too little too late. I just don't know. I have to sit with this for a bit and see where my heart takes me.
But you better believe I want to sit in her parking lot at work and beat the fuck out of the FTD sunuvabitch who I'm certain will be delivering flowers from HIM. I just need to evaluate WHY I feel that way...
PS - Thanks Kurt. Your melodies were better than anyone ever gave you credit.