11:23 PM, Tuesday, February 15th, 2005:
That video is going to haunt me forever. I knew. I knew then and thought I was helping her by not stopping her from leaving. My heart knew, my head stopped me.
Well the minutes and hours passed on Sunday and it was the worst snowball effect ever. The more memories I thought of, the more I realized my part in all this. Not only my part, but my damn near full responsibility. No, screw that - complete responsibility. I know it's PC to say there's two sides, but the more I think of it - I'm 100% the cause of the problems and I can see it clear as day. What I failed to realize for 5 years was that my support level for Jessica needed to be higher than most relationships because of what this whole journey was putting her through. I needed to hold not only my weight for me - but be ther for her...
...after March 2002 of course, this wasn't even close to being possible. I was devastated by the events that took place from November '01 to February '02 and I could barely recover. My confidence was completely decimated. I could barely get out of bed, let alone think of her. Yes, I did end up getting a job to try and put her through school, but her urging to get me to work was more so she could just find that guy she fell in love with. That guy who was productive and had an actual ego - and exuded confidence. Well, that guy no longer existed. I felt my only shot at being anything to her, giving her any type of life, would be me making it in the entertainment industry: obviously a longshot.
Which is really where we were when we made the decision we made last summer. I know Jessica has dreams. Always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and raise a family. Unfortunately, in this city - the chances of that are just minimal at best. And from my perspective the only way it would happen is if I got some sort of break in the entertainment world...of course then she'd be alone with the kid because I'd never be around. If she didn't have me around, or her family around... what a miserable BEST CASE scenario. I mean, that's the scenario if I make it! If I don't make it...we both work our asses off and someone else raises our kid. The other option was moving back to Ohio and I just can't shut off this light. Even if it's one project a year, or a hobby on the weekends...I need to be in this city (or NY) to have any shot at truly making it. Without that tiny light, I am no longer me. All I could picture was a miserable fuck in Ohio being angry at his wife and kids.
So the decision made sense. It was made out of love. Of course as you all are probably aware now, the job I presently have is so far over 6 figures that Jess could easily quit her job. Yeah I work maybe 50 hours a week, but that's not that bad - I'd be able to spend time with her and we could raise a family. I have weekends off for everything too. It's what I never thought I had the ability to do - support a family. My talents were all so risky, that it wasn't possible. I was obviously very wrong.
The other major problem, and this is where I really fucked up. Just sooooooooooooo fucked up. I never bought Jess girly stuff. Ever. I was so selfish at points, I wouldn't even get a card on our anniversary. "I hate Hallmark cards - I'd rather speak from my heart". Sincere or not, it's fuckin' stupid. And although she knew I loved her, she didn't get flowers...she didn't get cards - I never spent money specifically for HER. It was always US. Granted - I rarely bought shit just for me as well, it was always US - but I neglected BAAAAAAAAAAD. Really, really, really bad. I would drive past a flower shop EVERY FUCKING DAY, and think about getting flowers and instead just tell her I loved her. It seemed a waste to blow $20 on something when my words were more sincere than handing over money. To a degree, that's true - but not for 6 1/2 years Adam.
Taking all that in, it's clear why Jess slowly didn't have any self-confidence either. Couldn't help me with what was my biggest concern: my career, and never felt she was sexy or beautiful to me. I completely took her for granted and blamed her depression on her being far away from her family, when in reality - she was far away from me. The man she fell in love with was gone.
This is my Sunday folks. This is me slowly but surely catching on. Realizing after all this time, that I pretty much talked myself out of this marriage because I couldn't look in the mirror long enough to see what I had done. And it's not like she didn't tell me she wanted those things, I just didn't GET it. I really didn't understand. And I honestly never, ever, ever felt comfortable spending the money. It made me sick to my stomach. We were in such a "survival mode" out here. We seemed to sacrifice everything and the second we had any money - we got a house...so alllllllllllllll extra cash would go into that.
Of course, now I can't fit the money in the bank. My paycheck yesterday was bigger than my entire income for 2004. Can you imagine? All I want to do now is share. I'm so happy I can actually by gifts for my cousins or treat my friends to dinner or fly people out just to spend the weekend. I can now fly back for weddings and other events...it doesn't make me physically sick if I were to blow $500 on a vacation. Hell that's 1/3 of a loan. ONE THIRD. And my confidence is just back. I'm The Late Show with Adam Kontras again. I am the man in the swing suit that met Jessica at Banana Joes and swept her off her feet. (Actually some other dude did that in the dance contest I hosted, but you know what I mean). I AM BACK.
And just as I walk in the door and raise my hands to tell Jess this!! Oh yes, she's already gone Adam. You were too late. Of course Jess has moved everything back to Ohio and is only still in LA (living with her boss's family) for a few more weeks to help with the store, but she's gone. That and she's off to meet up with an old flame who she's already reconnected with. You are too late...but I had to call her.
So Sunday I started writing to her and eventually just read the email to her. It's basically what I'm talking about in this entry. She of course had no idea what to say. I didn't expect her to. She's never seen this change, how can she know? We were going to have lunch the following day so I let it be. Hell tomorrow was Monday and who knows if I would feel like I was just overexagerrating...
...I didn't. As the hours passed at work it became clearer and clearer. Every memory of our life, my role in everything - I was the cause of all of it. Not some of it, but...all of it. I took no responsibility for how she felt about herself, and truly over time just took it all for granted. It's not like our decision was flippant at all, I did truly believe in what we did - but it was based on innacuracies that only now I was seeing. The pain began to be unbearable. 2:30 finally arrived.
Eating? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I had two bites, then started talking - and that was it. Jess just couldn't comprehend it. I still didn't believe she really understood what I meant, nor did I feel it necessarily fair to just bombard her with flowers and balloons out of nowhere just because it's Valentine's Day. It was clear however, that she was going next week. Whatever the connection with this person - that potential was stronger than our past. An unknown future can always look brighter. So I went back to work and racked my brain some more. I sent her an e-valentine card as I thought that was the least intrusive thing I could do. Around 6 I got a call from her cell and it was her co-worker telling me she was having chest pains and couldn't move and the ambulance was on their way.
I'm not sure how I pulled it off, but I beat the ambulance that was easily a mile closer. Crying in the car, just devastated. Get there before the ambulance and she was still in pain. It had been over ten minutes and her entire left side just shut down. They took her to the hospital and it began to subside by the time she was out of the ambulance. I sat with her in the emergency room for a few hours while they ran tests. Fielding phone calls on both of our cell phones from everyone and making sure everyone knew she was alright. Of course I end up getting a text message from him. It was a response to something, and of course I read the something and standing in the emergency room I got another shot to the heart as I saw their relationship was much further along than I had ever imagined. That's what you get for being nosy Adam.
Now as I've said, I have broken the bond with Jess and I since she left. I never doubted I would act any different. I felt I had no other choice, it was the only thing that made me even remotely happy throughout all of this. This that I thought was the best thing for both of us. So her having loving emails with someone shouldn't mean shit...but it destroyed me. Becuase throughout all of this - my heart has always been hers. Period. I'm nowhere near that changing for quite some time.
So back into the room I went trying to hide the whiteness in my face and even a drugged Jess saw it immediately. I was crying and sick to my stomach. I told her what I read and she had no words. Ther ewas little else to say.
Finally got out of the hospital and she was hungry so we went to Ralphs and got some German food she likes and went home and cooked it all up. It was very comforting to say the least. She spent the night and I took her back to her car in the morning. On the way up I simply said "Do you still want to keep things the way they are?" And she said yes. She honestly felt no change of heart, and saw no reason to postpone the trip or even postpone going back to Columbus a few weeks for us to spend time together.
As we were sitting in the car before she was to get out, the tears (as they did allllllllllll night) just flowed. In my entier life, I have never, ever, ever cried like this. This long, this hurt. It's like the year-end drunk video spread out over a week. It's an un-ending pit of the worst pain I've ever known. I didn't want to let go of her again, but I had to. If her heart is set on whatever potential this relationship has - I have to let it be.
I get back to work crying every second. I look like a wreck, everyone thinks I'm dying with the flu or some shit. I finally gether myself together - and then call my dad. Here it goes again. Just losing it. Why? Becuase I GET IT NOW. I GET IT. I absolutely understand and I know that all those dreams Jess and I had at the beginning of our relationship are now possible. I can provide, I can be all those things... and she just doesn't care. Sure she cares about me, but her heart is gone. Honestly if she could go through the past 48 hours and not even budge - I'm done. I'm spent. She doesn't see it, and I can't really just buy her a bunch of shit to show her. I can't even sincerely make up for anythign because she is completely enraptured with someone else. It may be the worst scenario I could have ever predicted.
And there you are. There you are. The Valentine's Day Massacre tradition continues. I am completely and utterly in shock.