- 11:23 PM, Tuesday,
February 15th, 2005:
is going to haunt me forever. I knew. I knew
then and thought I was helping her by not
stopping her from leaving. My heart
head stopped me.
- Well the minutes
and hours passed on Sunday and it was the worst
snowball effect ever. The more memories I thought
of, the more I realized my part in all this. Not
only my part, but my damn near full responsibility.
No, screw that - complete responsibility. I know
it's PC to say there's two sides, but the more
I think of it - I'm 100% the cause of the
problems and I can see it clear as day. What
I failed to realize for 5 years was that my
support level for Jessica needed to be higher than
most relationships because of what this whole journey
was putting her through. I needed to hold not
only my weight for me - but be ther for
- ...after March
2002 of course, this wasn't even close to being
possible. I was devastated by the events that
took place from November '01 to February '02 and I
could barely recover. My confidence was completely
decimated. I could barely get out of bed, let
alone think of her. Yes, I did end up getting a
job to try and put her through school, but her urging
to get me to work was more so she could just find that
guy she fell in love with. That guy who was productive
and had an actual ego - and exuded confidence. Well,
that guy no longer existed. I felt my only shot
at being anything to her, giving her any type of life,
would be me making it in the entertainment
industry: obviously a longshot.
- Which is really
where we were when we made the decision we made last
summer. I know Jessica has dreams. Always wanted to be
a stay-at-home mom and raise a family. Unfortunately,
in this city - the chances of that are just minimal at
best. And from my perspective the only way it would
happen is if I got some sort of break in the
entertainment world...of course then she'd be alone
with the kid because I'd never be around. If she
didn't have me around, or her family around... what a
miserable BEST CASE scenario. I mean, that's the
scenario if I make it! If I don't make it...we
both work our asses off and someone else raises our
kid. The other option was moving back to Ohio and I
just can't shut off this light. Even if it's one
project a year, or a hobby on the weekends...I need to
be in this city (or NY) to have any shot at truly
making it. Without that tiny light, I am no
longer me. All I could picture was a miserable
fuck in Ohio being angry at his wife and
- So the decision
made sense. It was made out of love. Of course as you
all are probably aware now, the job I presently
have is so far over 6 figures that Jess could
easily quit her job. Yeah I work maybe 50 hours
a week, but that's not that bad - I'd be able to spend
time with her and we could raise a family. I have
weekends off for everything too. It's what
I never thought I had the ability to do -
support a family. My talents were all so risky, that
it wasn't possible. I was obviously very
- The other major
problem, and this is where I really fucked up.
Just sooooooooooooo fucked up. I never bought
Jess girly stuff. Ever. I was so selfish at
points, I wouldn't even get a card on our
anniversary. "I hate Hallmark cards - I'd rather
speak from my heart". Sincere or not, it's fuckin'
stupid. And although she knew I loved her, she
didn't get flowers...she didn't get cards -
I never spent money specifically for HER. It was
always US. Granted - I rarely bought shit just for me
as well, it was always US - but I neglected
BAAAAAAAAAAD. Really, really, really bad. I would
drive past a flower
shop EVERY FUCKING DAY, and think about
getting flowers and instead just tell her I loved her.
It seemed a waste to blow $20 on something when my
words were more sincere than handing over money. To a
degree, that's true - but not for 6 1/2 years
- Taking all that
in, it's clear why Jess slowly didn't have any
self-confidence either. Couldn't help me with what was
my biggest concern: my career, and never felt she was
sexy or beautiful to me. I completely took her for
granted and blamed her depression on her being far
away from her family, when in reality - she was far
away from me. The man she fell in love with was
- This is my Sunday
folks. This is me slowly but surely catching on.
Realizing after all this time, that I pretty much
talked myself out of this marriage because
I couldn't look in the mirror long enough to see
what I had done. And it's not like she didn't
tell me she wanted those things, I just didn't
GET it. I really didn't understand. And
I honestly never, ever, ever felt comfortable
spending the money. It made me sick to my stomach. We
were in such a "survival mode" out here. We
seemed to sacrifice everything and the second we had
any money - we got a house...so alllllllllllllll extra
cash would go into that.
- Of course, now
I can't fit the money in the bank. My paycheck
yesterday was bigger than my entire income for 2004.
Can you imagine? All I want to do now is share.
I'm so happy I can actually by gifts for my cousins or
treat my friends to dinner or fly people out just to
spend the weekend. I can now fly back for
weddings and other events...it doesn't make me
physically sick if I were to blow $500 on a vacation.
Hell that's 1/3 of a loan. ONE THIRD. And my
confidence is just back. I'm The Late Show with Adam
Kontras again. I am the man in the swing suit that met
Jessica at Banana Joes and swept her off her feet.
(Actually some other dude did that in the dance
contest I hosted, but you know what I mean).
I AM BACK.
- And just as I walk
in the door and raise my hands to tell Jess this!! Oh
yes, she's already gone Adam. You were too late. Of
course Jess has moved everything back to Ohio and is
only still in LA (living with her boss's family) for a
few more weeks to help with the store, but she's gone.
That and she's off to meet up with an old flame who
she's already reconnected with. You are too late...but
I had to call her.
- So Sunday
I started writing to her and eventually just read
the email to her. It's basically what I'm talking
about in this entry. She of course had no idea what to
say. I didn't expect her to. She's never seen
this change, how can she know? We were going to have
lunch the following day so I let it be. Hell
tomorrow was Monday and who knows if I would feel
like I was just overexagerrating...
- ...I didn't.
As the hours passed at work it became clearer and
clearer. Every memory of our life, my role in
everything - I was the cause of all of it. Not some of
it, but...all of it. I took no responsibility for
how she felt about herself, and truly over time just
took it all for granted. It's not like our decision
was flippant at all, I did truly believe in what
we did - but it was based on innacuracies that only
now I was seeing. The pain began to be
unbearable. 2:30 finally arrived.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I had two bites, then
started talking - and that was it. Jess just couldn't
comprehend it. I still didn't believe she really
understood what I meant, nor did I feel it
necessarily fair to just bombard her with flowers and
balloons out of nowhere just because it's Valentine's
Day. It was clear however, that she was going next
week. Whatever the connection with this person - that
potential was stronger than our past. An unknown
future can always look brighter. So I went back
to work and racked my brain some more. I sent her
an e-valentine card as I thought that was the least
intrusive thing I could do. Around 6 I got a call
from her cell and it was her co-worker telling me she
was having chest pains and couldn't move and the
ambulance was on their way.
- I'm not sure how I
pulled it off, but I beat the ambulance that was
easily a mile closer. Crying in the car, just
devastated. Get there before the ambulance and she was
still in pain. It had been over ten minutes and her
entire left side just shut down. They took her to the
hospital and it began to subside by the time she was
out of the ambulance. I sat with her in the
emergency room for a few hours while they ran tests.
Fielding phone calls on both of our cell phones from
everyone and making sure everyone knew she was
alright. Of course I end up getting a text
message from him. It was a response to something, and
of course I read the something and standing in
the emergency room I got another shot to the
heart as I saw their relationship was much
further along than I had ever imagined. That's
what you get for being nosy Adam.
- Now as I've said,
I have broken the bond with Jess and I since she
left. I never doubted I would act any
different. I felt I had no other choice, it
was the only thing that made me even remotely happy
throughout all of this. This that I thought was
the best thing for both of us. So her having loving
emails with someone shouldn't mean shit...but it
destroyed me. Becuase throughout all of this - my
heart has always been hers. Period. I'm nowhere near
that changing for quite some time.
- So back into the
room I went trying to hide the whiteness in my
face and even a drugged Jess saw it immediately.
I was crying and sick to my stomach. I told her
what I read and she had no words. Ther ewas
little else to say.
- Finally got out of
the hospital and she was hungry so we went to Ralphs
and got some German food she likes and went home and
cooked it all up. It was very comforting to say the
least. She spent the night and I took her back to
her car in the morning. On the way up I simply
said "Do you still want to keep things the way they
are?" And she said yes. She honestly felt no change of
heart, and saw no reason to postpone the trip or even
postpone going back to Columbus a few weeks for us to
spend time together.
- As we were sitting
in the car before she was to get out, the tears (as
they did allllllllllll night) just flowed. In my
entier life, I have never, ever, ever cried like this.
This long, this hurt. It's like the year-end drunk
video spread out over a week. It's an un-ending pit of
the worst pain I've ever known. I didn't want to
let go of her again, but I had to. If her heart
is set on whatever potential this relationship has -
I have to let it be.
- I get back to
work crying every second. I look like a wreck,
everyone thinks I'm dying with the flu or some shit. I
finally gether myself together - and then call my dad.
Here it goes again. Just losing it. Why? Becuase
I GET IT NOW. I GET IT.
I absolutely understand and I know that all
those dreams Jess and I had at the beginning of our
relationship are now possible. I can provide, I
can be all those things... and she just doesn't care.
Sure she cares about me, but her heart is gone.
Honestly if she could go through the past 48 hours and
not even budge - I'm done. I'm spent. She doesn't see
it, and I can't really just buy her a bunch of
shit to show her. I can't even sincerely make up
for anythign because she is completely enraptured with
someone else. It may be the worst scenario
I could have ever predicted.
- And there you are.
There you are. The Valentine's Day Massacre tradition
continues. I am completely and utterly in