Holy shit.
I would try to hid teh fact that I'm drunk right
now but I believe that is an impossibility. Tonight
was the only night that I could do my annual
drunken year-end video and I lost my ever-lovin'
mind. I have never in my liufe cried the way
i just cried (and truth be told am crying right
now). I love Jessica so much and am second
guessing everything right now. I am so lost and
so hurt, and miss her so much and am so far gone. I've
been cruing all day -a nthe alcohol just added to it.
I tried to do what I walwasy do in my year end
videos and just lost it agagin. I love her so
much and she is gone. I love her so so so so so so
much. I want her back, I wante her to be my
wife, I want her to be the mother of my children,
I am so heartbroken right now that what I want in
my career and want I want as a family can't
co0-exist. I'm just so sick, so drunk, so torn. I'm so
sad. I'have never cryiend this mch ever.
I realieze.....wait new paragraph.
I realizre
that all my words are fucked up bu t I'll never edit
them. For some reason alcohol not onmly takes awayin
hibitions byut it show s my heart.; I ove JEssica. SHe
is everything to me why - can't we co exist while
I follow my dreams? Why doesn't she want me?1!??!
WHy do I have to go elsewhere to feel WANTED??!?! Why
, why, why, why, wy,.... I have never been so
hurt - I can't keep the tears from rolling down
my cface.
The year end video
was a joke the last 5 minutes I wept like a baby.
And I don't mena teared up - I wept and wept
and wept. I feel like I've made a mistake. I'm
trying to write as many sentences as I can before
UI fall over. I l=feel like I have to
record all of this but I've run out of tape. Goddamnit
I never should've let her go. I never shoul've
done that. No one will ever love me like her. Why was
so arrogant beofre? Why am I in italics
rightnow?. Jesus - I will have no idea if any
of this iws legible inrtil I wake up tomorrow and
read it - christ did I drink that much? My head
is spinning.
OK - so obviously
I will add to this entry when I'm sober., ...so
all I can say now is in my entire ligfe 0- Nana
dying, losing burgundie all taht - I have never
cired like I just did...EVER. Jessica is my
soulmate...of course wi9th minor problems - but the
biggest being LA.
AM I REALLY GOING TO SACRIFICE TRUE LOVE FOR THIS FUCING DREAM!?!?!?!??!
HWaht the vfuck is wrong wiht
me?!?!??!??! DAMNIT.
SHe's still in
Vegas - I could have her turn around if
I wanted....what am I gonna do when
I wake upt?!!?!? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCJK ME.
I have never cried so much, I'm so heartbvroken
-0 what witlll this entries video be? How can
I show such raw emotion when I'm weeping so much
it loiks like I'm laughintg?
I'm better off
locking thsi - I dont' want peopl eto thin I'm
insincere for posting such raw emotions - but what the
fuck else will be this entries's video - -=HUH>?
Obviosuly I'm drunk. I cant' type. THis vide (as
an editor) should be me loksin gmy ever fuckin gmind
because I just kicked out the one woman I've
loved and felt a soulmate with EVER>.. Guck, fu ck,
fuck, I can't even read what's on the screen -
I'm sure thisw ill be amiuwsing tomorrow. Shit I
didnt' eat today other than a burger at 3 PM.....
when you'r eheartbroken - you don't eat. CVhrist is
this really the entry right before the last one? s
this Number #379?
ell, so bne it.
This is who I am on December 22nd, 21004. Only prblem
is I'm incredibly hungry and Jess took all the food.
Thanks babe. Comebkac.,come back, come back. Here come
the tears. Jesus am I really strong enough to be
alone - it sure ash ell doesn't look like it. IS any
of this even legible? Can I afford to havfge this
unloicked? Well, ti is what it is. This is how much
her driving away hs rippsed me appart. I ama
compLETELY shocked by ti.. I was cool, dfor the
last 5months - and now I'm losing my mind? JesusAdam,
it's the right choice - whay are you losing it.
I hoep cooler heas prevail for your sake, because
you can't be stupid enough to stlell her to come
back....
Becaseue you know
she will. SHe'll come back, lvoe you. have a kid with
you and be miserable - and you'll sit there and watch
the woman you love bemiserable with a child and your
hear t will break and YOU"ll come with her back to
Ohio -0 then you'll be so resentful. SDon't do it
ADam. Even though this hurts -0 do what is best for
both you and Jessica., ALlow her to have her dream, as
well as allowing you to have yours. This pain is
temporary. SO what if it's hte hardest you'ev ever
cried - ther will be worse times in the future. You
just need to feel this emiotnion. Fell it deep wihthin
you - don't hide it. Have it out there as raw as you
can allow ti to be - fuck io t show the video of you
weeping. You know?
A:L; therse people
want to know whatr it's like to follow your dream? DO
they really wnat to know? It's like pulling your
heart out and STAMPING ON IT. It hurst, it
kiells -0 it can make yousacrificie all you've ever
known for something
YOU CANT EVEN PUT YOUR FINGER ON>
Isn 't that tuhe fucker of them all?!?!?! Adam, you
don't even know whqat eh fuck you'redoing - yet you're
watching tis beautiful human being go for
.....WJAT?!???!?!?!
WHAT AR#E YOU DING,.. O)K - my
grammare is getting worse. I'm going to go to
bead.
You all asked for
it - you wante d a chrocnil;ve of the Journey - and
this is it. Ad runken entry where I'm so sad
I can barely type. I can only imagine what
my reaction will be tomorrow when I read this.
I knwo what it will be : "That was me being
honest. I dare anyone to allow themsevels to be that
open.,...EVER".
THIS IS MAKING IT P{EOP>E. THis
is your dreams. THis is what you hafe to give up for
some stupid dream of
"MAKING IT" WHICH NO ONE CANC FUCING DEFINE.
Tjhis was my
choic. Domestic bliss with JKessic ain Ohio or this
fuckin horseshit. What in GODS NAME was
I thinking.
Hopefgully
tomorrow I'll know. For now I will cry mysef to sleep
and wonder what the FUCK have I done.
I have lost everything.
ADam
The Sober
Addendum (added the following morning)
(sigh).
I haven't the slightest idea what the correct
choice is here. This is easily the worst video I've
ever shot. It rips me to pieces every time I see
it. I don't want this public. This for the first time
in 5 years feels too personal...Yet it's all right
here in the entry.
I say
nothing in the video I haven't said
in entry after entry - but man, sometimes
words just don't convey the full
emotion...and this video certainly does
that. My problem is - what the hell else
goes with this entry? It's not like
I can attatch a video of Shizzle
lickin' his nutless sack or some shit...
last night's yearend video
is EXACTLY what goes with this and that is
the story of my life at this
moment.
I just
don't want people to think it was planned like this.
I never in a million years thought I would
stumble to the computer and write this entry. And
honestly, when I woke up? I had no idea what
I had written. I just now reread it and it
surprised the shit out of me because in my
"sober" mind I still know that the decisions
Jess and I made were correct. I also know that it
doesn't matter that I don't know exactly
what it is I want from my career - but
I know I need to continue to push it. But
when your heart is broken, and I mean truly
broken...this shit just pops up. It just smacks you so
hard that you can barely stand. That's love. That's
the only thing that can bring you to your knees for
both joy and sorrow.
I just did not
see all this shit coming. Wow. I knew this would hurt
but wow. Screw the italics - I should write about
this...
So the day was
upon us and Jess and I got up early to finish up
all the packing. She was having a tough time, but
I was doin' alright. I knew she had to get goin'
by noon and I was scared things would go wrong -
so I was in a different mode. It was tough to
watch Jess losin' it throughout the day, and
I wanted to hug her - but I just knew we had
to keep working. We talked a bit, laughed a bit...but
it was kind of like a funeral. You're just in a daze.
We had to ignore this date for 5 months so when it
arrived it was just surreal.
Then,
I closed the trailer and it was done. Jess was
alright...we hugged and I helped her drive off -
and she turned the corner and we waved.
POW. Just melted.
Even thinking of that sight right at this moment makes
me tear up. I just cried and cried. And it
occured to me that I didn't kiss her, and that
all day I acted emotionless and I just
couldn't let her think that she didn't mean the world
to me. I just couldn't. So I got in my car
and went after her - knowing she wouldn't even be out
of our neighborhod with that big ass trailer. I scared
her at first as she thought something was wrong, but
then she saw me and saw the tears and just knew. And
in my mind? I was thinking -
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?
I just cried and cried and cried. Out of nowhere. ALl
of the sudden there wasn't enough time, and this huge
list of things I never did and all of this shit
just poured out of me and we're standing here in the
street and you just wish you would've held each other
longer, listened more, loved more, looked at each
other more...just ugh...crying again. GODDAMNIT.
I then went home, empty walls - cried some more.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, hell you
probably all saw it coming - I mean I kept
writing about the looming date, but man I never
knew it would kick my ass like this.
Then of course
I only have one night to do the year-end video
and it had to be that night. I remember starting
it thinking "It's a good thing I got that crying
bullshit out of the way earlier so I can just have a
fun video. bwahahahahah. Folks, what you see in the
video is the part BEFORE I was crying. For the
last 10 minutes I just wept. The dogs got all
freaked and came over and I just let it all out.
But I guess not really all as my ass is still
crying. I feel tremendously alone, and like the
biggest fool in the world at some moments...then
others I know it was right. Up, down, up, down. Life
is hard. You get to a certain age, and every choice is
hard. Everything you do changes your life and you have
no choice but to pick between a pair of what-ifs. You
say, "Hmmm, which 'what-if' will hurt less down
the road? The career what-if or the love what-if?" I
don't know about down the road, but for the patch of
highway I'm standing on right now? It fuckin' hurts
more. Heh. Merry Christmas boys and girls, hold your
loved ones close.
Adam
EDITOR'S NOTE,
01/16/05: Because of being in Columbus, then being
busy, then having my C Drive crash - this was the only
entry and video up for nearly a month. Of all the
times to fall behind, huh? Anyway, I finally
uploaded everything a month later (today), but
I thought you reading this well after the fact
should know that most readers thought I was dead
or something...
