- 11:14 AM,
Saturday, January 1st, 2005:
-
- It's hard to
ignore the promise of this year. It's hard to not be
excited about the prospect of a professionally shot
pilot of The Trinitrons all on one screen truly
interracting for the first time. It's nearly
impossible to not be a bit giddy about being able to
fund this project by myself without feeling beholden
to the someone who will later say I would've been
nothing if not for them.
-
- It's hard to not
just run head first into this year on the excitement
alone as if that would somehow make everything happen
faster...because in this case - I have nothing
but time for the first 6 months of this year. There is
nothing I can do to make the process go any
faster. The amount of work I have to put into
this project before I even think of the actual
shoots is enormous. From laboring over the entire
script to coordinating the entire cast and crew and
making schedules and planning out as much as humanly
possible - this will take a year by myself...EASY. I
hope to shoot in September. My goal is to have it shot
in the month of september, edited in October - and fly
back to Columbus to premiere it at Thanksgiving at a
theater. Then make promotional copies and distribute
them in January '06 while beating down every door to
set up pitches with every goddamn network that I can.
Which will also mean at some point along the way it's
going to be uber-beneficial to actually get others
excited about this and again - conjure up some sort of
management.
-
- The difference in
all of this is pretty simple: there is an actual
product to sell with this. I can push it as a short
film, and I can push it as a pilot. A manager
doesn't have to look at the 4tvs show and think:
"What the hell am I going to do here?" As well,
I have the challenge of doing it myself with my
own money. Will there be a return on the investment
monetarily? Most likely no. No one ever does this. You
don't front the money for a pilot (especially one as
complicated as this with me playing 5 characters), but
I just don't give a shit. Making money on a
project doesn't make me happy...making a great
show/dvd/song/movie makes me happy - so if I have
the money to do it...I will. Do I believe it
will get me anywhere? I'm not sure on that one.
I think the idea of an over the hill boyband is
funny, and the fact that one guy is playing all the
characters allows it to be an interesting thing to
watch on several levels. It's sort of a timing thing.
It may be too early for a show like this, it may be
too expensive to take on a show like this (all the
post-production work for the same guy being on screen
all at once) with an absolute no-name. There's
probably a million reasons why it won't work, and 2 or
3 why it will. That's the nature of the beast. But I
will do it because the vision that I see in my
head is really funny, really original, and a
HUGE challenge. I think studios will be amazed
that anyone decided to do everything themselves as
opposed to pitching a show with a script and bible and
some story boards or maybe a demo tape. As well, it's
hard to argue expense when the guy pitching it can do
the whole thing himself.
-
- But really, all
that stuff just isn't my focus. I'm honest-to-goodness
just doing this because I believe it will be
entertaining and it falls into the realm of stuff
never seen before. It's just fresh and unique. I
picture this at film festivals next to the normal fare
and people just shaking their heads because there's
just sooooo much backstory to it. The scale is pretty
big for a short film, not like Lord of The Rings big,
but these aren't just normal characters...they have to
actually be set-up. And an entire 5 person
relationship over a span of 10-15 years has to be
touched upon much in the way a pilot is set-up all in
that first 30 minute show. It needs to be obvious by
the end of it that there are more stories to tell when
the credits roll... this script is gonna be a bitch
ain't it. Heh. Hell I'm ready for it. It's going to be
a challenging year.
-
- And of course in
the meantime - my daytime gig is simply the work that
I'm doing to fund this project. That's how I look at
it. In order to make this movie I have to raise
enough money to pay for the shoot. In reality I'm
paying my mortgage, feeding my dogs and trying to save
the money workin' a job...but hell if I looked at it
that way - how unromantic would that be? No
I like to look at the loan officer job as me
being a producer making calls, going to dinner and
wooing investors to believe in what I'm selling. So
that takes care of my days, my free time will be spent
on writing and coordinating the crew and talent, and
all the time leftover from all that will be spent
being lonely and miserable because I miss Jess. LOL.
So guess what I'll probably avoid? Having any leftover
time. And welcome to the first rule of thumb for
dealing with loss - be busy. Be so busy that you have
to give it time. Take it from a guy who wants to over
analyze everything that happens in his life and deal
with it immediately: when it comes to loss, you have
to put it on the back burner, and then pick up the pot
and look at it every few weeks and/or months. Let it
burn you and then put it away and hope it lessens. In
time the pot gets cooler, but it just isn't possible
to "get through it fast" just cause you want to.
-
- I usually
make a nice bold prediction at some point in this
annual entry but this year is slightly difficult.
I actually enjoy putting pressure on myself in a
public forum as I take my word very
seriously...but I also realize that there's only
so much in life I can control. Last year my goal
for the first time ever was clear: get 4tvs on
television somehow some way. Of course life has a way
of changing such luxuries as "goals" and making you
have no choice but to just survive and that is exactly
what happened last year. So it would stand to reason
I wouldn't make such specific goals again.
However I don't see 2004 as a failure because
I didn't attain that goal. It's like having a
goal to climb Mt. Everest and halfway up your mom dies
and you go back for the funeral. Life happens and my
biggest concern soon became how I was going to
pay the bills, not getting on "Good Day LA". Besides,
I think the route I'm going now is a better one
and hell - in the middle I may be able to still
get on TV with The Trinitrons. So all I want one
year from today is to have that film done, DVD in
hand, having projected it in Columbus, and in the
process of getting it to everyone I can think of.
Icing on the 2005 cake would also be a manager who
took the project under their wing and helped me
along...but it isn't crucial.
-
- There's also a
tiny bit of pure survival stuck in 2005. I am not
unaware of how difficult the immediate next few months
of my life are going to be. I've been through this
before, and this time I'm not only worried about my
own well being, Jess is a bit of a mess right now too.
No matter how "right" our heads told us it was, our
hearts are ripped apart. She did not want to leave.
She is going to be going through a horrendous period
as well, and I'm about the only person she can talk to
about it. I'll do as much as I humanly can, but at
some point we're just going to have to isolate
ourselves from each other and the world and just
grieve a bit. Hearing her cry still completely brings
me to my knees. So looking ahead, all of that is
looming. We may have intended to have the nice neat
break right at the end and start off the new year -
but the effects of this will permeate well into
2005.
-
- So if this is a
bit of character development and you're wondering what
I really think going into this year...I have
to tell you I'm trying to subdue all of these amazing
feelings. My mind starts to ponder at how well set-up
the year is for my career and I immediately try
to disregard it because I just can't think of all
that now. In the arrogant, know-it-all back of my head
that constantly battles with "Analytical Adam"
I know I'm starting a new journey that will lead
to the break. I just know it. I have a confidence
in my step right now that I don't believe I've ever
had. It's the product of being in the worst of
situations and coming out on top for the umpteenth
time. The transformation in the past two months has
been extraordinary. If I could get through 2004,
I will make it. Hell I have to. How insanely
depressing would it be to think this was all in
vain?
-
- It wasn't. It's
right. Welcome to Part
2 of The
Journey.
-
- Adam
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