11:14 AM, Saturday, January 1st, 2005:
It's hard to ignore the promise of this year. It's hard to not be excited about the prospect of a professionally shot pilot of The Trinitrons all on one screen truly interracting for the first time. It's nearly impossible to not be a bit giddy about being able to fund this project by myself without feeling beholden to the someone who will later say I would've been nothing if not for them.
It's hard to not just run head first into this year on the excitement alone as if that would somehow make everything happen faster...because in this case - I have nothing but time for the first 6 months of this year. There is nothing I can do to make the process go any faster. The amount of work I have to put into this project before I even think of the actual shoots is enormous. From laboring over the entire script to coordinating the entire cast and crew and making schedules and planning out as much as humanly possible - this will take a year by myself...EASY. I hope to shoot in September. My goal is to have it shot in the month of september, edited in October - and fly back to Columbus to premiere it at Thanksgiving at a theater. Then make promotional copies and distribute them in January '06 while beating down every door to set up pitches with every goddamn network that I can. Which will also mean at some point along the way it's going to be uber-beneficial to actually get others excited about this and again - conjure up some sort of management.
The difference in all of this is pretty simple: there is an actual product to sell with this. I can push it as a short film, and I can push it as a pilot. A manager doesn't have to look at the 4tvs show and think:  "What the hell am I going to do here?" As well, I have the challenge of doing it myself with my own money. Will there be a return on the investment monetarily? Most likely no. No one ever does this. You don't front the money for a pilot (especially one as complicated as this with me playing 5 characters), but I just don't give a shit. Making money on a project doesn't make me happy...making a great show/dvd/song/movie makes me happy - so if I have the money to do it...I will. Do I believe it will get me anywhere? I'm not sure on that one. I think the idea of an over the hill boyband is funny, and the fact that one guy is playing all the characters allows it to be an interesting thing to watch on several levels. It's sort of a timing thing. It may be too early for a show like this, it may be too expensive to take on a show like this (all the post-production work for the same guy being on screen all at once) with an absolute no-name. There's probably a million reasons why it won't work, and 2 or 3 why it will. That's the nature of the beast. But I will do it because the vision that I see in my head is really funny, really original, and a HUGE challenge. I think studios will be amazed that anyone decided to do everything themselves as opposed to pitching a show with a script and bible and some story boards or maybe a demo tape. As well, it's hard to argue expense when the guy pitching it can do the whole thing himself.
But really, all that stuff just isn't my focus. I'm honest-to-goodness just doing this because I believe it will be entertaining and it falls into the realm of stuff never seen before. It's just fresh and unique. I picture this at film festivals next to the normal fare and people just shaking their heads because there's just sooooo much backstory to it. The scale is pretty big for a short film, not like Lord of The Rings big, but these aren't just normal characters...they have to actually be set-up. And an entire 5 person relationship over a span of 10-15 years has to be touched upon much in the way a pilot is set-up all in that first 30 minute show. It needs to be obvious by the end of it that there are more stories to tell when the credits roll... this script is gonna be a bitch ain't it. Heh. Hell I'm ready for it. It's going to be a challenging year.
And of course in the meantime - my daytime gig is simply the work that I'm doing to fund this project. That's how I look at it. In order to make this movie I have to raise enough money to pay for the shoot. In reality I'm paying my mortgage, feeding my dogs and trying to save the money workin' a job...but hell if I looked at it that way - how unromantic would that be? No I like to look at the loan officer job as me being a producer making calls, going to dinner and wooing investors to believe in what I'm selling. So that takes care of my days, my free time will be spent on writing and coordinating the crew and talent, and all the time leftover from all that will be spent being lonely and miserable because I miss Jess. LOL. So guess what I'll probably avoid? Having any leftover time. And welcome to the first rule of thumb for dealing with loss - be busy. Be so busy that you have to give it time. Take it from a guy who wants to over analyze everything that happens in his life and deal with it immediately: when it comes to loss, you have to put it on the back burner, and then pick up the pot and look at it every few weeks and/or months. Let it burn you and then put it away and hope it lessens. In time the pot gets cooler, but it just isn't possible to "get through it fast" just cause you want to.
I usually make a nice bold prediction at some point in this annual entry but this year is slightly difficult. I actually enjoy putting pressure on myself in a public forum as I take my word very seriously...but I also realize that there's only so much in life I can control. Last year my goal for the first time ever was clear: get 4tvs on television somehow some way. Of course life has a way of changing such luxuries as "goals" and making you have no choice but to just survive and that is exactly what happened last year. So it would stand to reason I wouldn't make such specific goals again. However I don't see 2004 as a failure because I didn't attain that goal. It's like having a goal to climb Mt. Everest and halfway up your mom dies and you go back for the funeral. Life happens and my biggest concern soon became how I was going to pay the bills, not getting on "Good Day LA". Besides, I think the route I'm going now is a better one and hell - in the middle I may be able to still get on TV with The Trinitrons. So all I want one year from today is to have that film done, DVD in hand, having projected it in Columbus, and in the process of getting it to everyone I can think of. Icing on the 2005 cake would also be a manager who took the project under their wing and helped me along...but it isn't crucial.
There's also a tiny bit of pure survival stuck in 2005. I am not unaware of how difficult the immediate next few months of my life are going to be. I've been through this before, and this time I'm not only worried about my own well being, Jess is a bit of a mess right now too. No matter how "right" our heads told us it was, our hearts are ripped apart. She did not want to leave. She is going to be going through a horrendous period as well, and I'm about the only person she can talk to about it. I'll do as much as I humanly can, but at some point we're just going to have to isolate ourselves from each other and the world and just grieve a bit. Hearing her cry still completely brings me to my knees. So looking ahead, all of that is looming. We may have intended to have the nice neat break right at the end and start off the new year - but the effects of this will permeate well into 2005.
So if this is a bit of character development and you're wondering what I really think going into this year...I have to tell you I'm trying to subdue all of these amazing feelings. My mind starts to ponder at how well set-up the year is for my career and I immediately try to disregard it because I just can't think of all that now. In the arrogant, know-it-all back of my head that constantly battles with "Analytical Adam" I know I'm starting a new journey that will lead to the break. I just know it. I have a confidence in my step right now that I don't believe I've ever had. It's the product of being in the worst of situations and coming out on top for the umpteenth time. The transformation in the past two months has been extraordinary. If I could get through 2004, I will make it. Hell I have to. How insanely depressing would it be to think this was all in vain?
It wasn't. It's right. Welcome to Part 2 of The Journey.