YouTube link added 02.03.09
10:22 PM, Wednesday, April 26th, 2006:
I wrote a couple of entries in 2004 during my divorce posing the question of whether the entries/videos/songs are just a reflection of my life...or if I seek out drama to inspire those entries/videos/songs. Am I attracted to the over-dramatic? Do I bring it on myself? I will always contest that I do not. I simply committed to this project so many years ago, and push myself to keep it up. I realize everything with Jess in 2005 seemed overly dramatic, but it sure as hell wasn't for the website. That's just what it feels like when you have an amicable divorce. Something I never dreamed would get caught in this documentary of my journey in LA.
I bring all this up because the sun is setting on what is without a doubt, the most extreme roller-coaster of emotions I have ever experienced in one day. I want nothing more than to just lay down and decompress - but if I don't write this now, it will be swept tomorrow may prove to be even more complicated.
Work today was everything each of you think it was. I meant it when I said Taja touched us all, but even I was surprised at just how many little stories we all shared about how she made us feel special. All those little things that a mother or sister would do out of love - she did. She ran that office like a family and the grief this morning was wide-reaching. It's way too much to comprehend right now, and my glands are actually sore from supressing so many tears. The tears came anyway for most of us, but completely letting go is something you just have to do personally on your own time. And there has been no time yet for that.
Unfortunately, the cameras flooded in around noon and it was very difficult to deal with. I realize that because it's such a big story, they need to continue to report it - but the camera guy putting the camera on us working in the office for the set-up shots in the package was too much. We all just hid and scowled at how rude it was. Interview those who want to be on TV outside of the office and allow us to grieve alone INSIDE our office. That needs to be a safe place right now.
Anyway, I left by 1 because there's little more I can do at work as I'm waiting on 2 loans to fund and I just cannot sell anything right now. I came home and just tried to relax, actually was able to take a nap after a restless night last night (where strangely enough in my dreams Taja and I saved a building full of people from a flood - strange) and was starting to finally let everything sink in. I then check my email.
I'm a producer on Keith Olbermann's show "Countdown". We're interested in talking to you about your website and the new video that was just posted on the site about Iran.
Please call me at your earliest convenience. I can be reached at ***-***-****.
Thank you,
Amy Shuster
Editorial Producer
"Countdown with Keith Olbermann"
And there it is. The email I've waited for my entire life. National exposure. A click away...
...and I can't, accept, the offer.
Yes, you read that correctly. Although I love the show and would give anything to finally get recognized - I cannot do anything to jeopardize my standing with "America's Got Talent" until I know I'm in. As a certain song said so clearly a couple days ago:  "If you become the face of protest, we may not advance to see..." MSNBC wouldn't be the end of it and you all know that. It would be the beginning of a massive amount of press on the cartoon. Massive. And that email didn't say "We want to run your cartoon", it said "We're interested in talking to you about your website and the new video that was just posted on the site about Iran." Anyone who's seen his show knows that's probably a "number" on the countdown and talking for a few minutes about everything. In a moment, I become a new face of protest with not only that cartoon, but all the protest videos I've done. It's the start of a long hill.
By the time "America's Got Talent" airs on June 21st, I may be the equivalent of Cindy Sheehan being on American Idol. It would never happen, I'd be edited out. Is this not the absolute biggest kick in the ass you've ever read? And I WATCH Olbermann! DAMNIT. Listen to what he said about Katrina, man he nailed it. He would totally get "Leaderless State". God I would just love to be on the show. So what the hell do I do?!?!
I wait. I give it a couple of days, in the meantime Charlotte and I do everything possible to get in contact with the segment producers for "America's Got Talent" and find out what their plans for me are. Be up front, and explain the situation and find a solution that works out for everyone involved. I have resisted trying to contact the girl I spoke with since she said "call in May", but we're now at a big crossroads. I could very well sacrifice everything. This all blew up like 2 weeks too soon, and is exactly what I feared in the "Bandwidth Exceeded" entry. I was praying this would all just "float" for several weeks but has legs - and it's running through the water.
And as if that wasn't enough, Eric Moro contacts me. Remember that name? 6 years ago he helped keep Jess and I in LA with Hollywood Screentest and Movie Minded. Dear JESUS, this can't be. My GOD:
Entry #43 - 11:20, Wednesday, April 26th, 2000
It's even 11:20 PM right now as I write this. (Sigh). That's right, exactly 6 years ago to the day/hour/minute is the entry that Eric Moro basically kept my ass in LA. Well he contacted me tonight (minutes after getting the Olbermann email) and asked if I could replace Curtis Armstrong (many will know him as "booger" from Revenge of the nerds, but he'll always be Herbert Quentin Viola from Moonlighting to me) and emcee this gig in Hollywood tomorrow. It's a mock adult spelling bee to promote "Akeelah the Bee" a movie coming out this Friday (just saw a segment about it on Oprah). He now runs a magazine and they needed a funny guy at the last minute to emcee the night because Curtis had to cancel to go to New York for more movie promotion. I was so thankful it had nothing to do with the cartoon I can't even begin to tell you. LOL. So of course I'm doing it. 6 years to the minute. The coincidences in my life will never, ever, EVER cease to amaze me.
Many of you have asked how I'm holding up and I thank you for the concern. I do feel very "tri-polar" as the title suggests. To be so low, so low, and then flatlined immediately after takes a toll on you. However, I am extremely thankful that I'm lucky enough to have something happy to think about with so much tragedy exploding all around me. So many of my friends and co-workers have nothing but saddness filling them right now. It is a huge blessing and I'm again, immensely grateful for it. I am hyper-sensitive to enjoying life's precious moments right now because of Taja and how quickly she was taken away.
Ugh, just too much. I need to try and sleep.