I wrote a couple
of entries in 2004 during my divorce posing the
question of whether the entries/videos/songs are just
a reflection of my life...or if I seek out drama
to inspire those entries/videos/songs. Am I attracted
to the over-dramatic? Do I bring it on myself? I
will always contest that I do not. I simply
committed to this project so many years ago, and push
myself to keep it up. I realize everything with
Jess in 2005 seemed overly dramatic, but it sure as
hell wasn't for the website. That's just what it feels
like when you have an amicable divorce. Something
I never dreamed would get caught in this
documentary of my journey in LA.
I bring all
this up because the sun is setting on what is without
a doubt, the most extreme roller-coaster of emotions I
have ever experienced in one day. I want nothing
more than to just lay down and decompress - but if
I don't write this now, it will be swept
away...as tomorrow may prove to be even more
Work today was
everything each of you think it was. I meant it when
I said Taja touched us all, but even I was
surprised at just how many little stories we all
shared about how she made us feel special. All
those little things that a mother or sister would do
out of love - she did. She ran that office like a
family and the grief this morning was wide-reaching.
It's way too much to comprehend right now, and my
glands are actually sore from supressing so many
tears. The tears came anyway for most of us, but
completely letting go is something you just have to do
personally on your own time. And there has been no
time yet for that.
cameras flooded in around noon and it was very
difficult to deal with. I realize that because
it's such a big story, they need to continue to report
it - but the camera guy putting the camera on us
working in the office for the set-up shots in the
package was too much. We all just hid and scowled at
how rude it was. Interview those who want to be on TV
outside of the office and allow us to grieve alone
INSIDE our office. That needs to be a safe
place right now.
I left by 1 because there's little more
I can do at work as I'm waiting on 2 loans to
fund and I just cannot sell anything right now. I
came home and just tried to relax, actually was able
to take a nap after a restless night last night (where
strangely enough in my dreams Taja and I saved a
building full of people from a flood - strange) and
was starting to finally let everything sink in.
I then check my email.
producer on Keith Olbermann's show
"Countdown". We're interested in talking
to you about your website and the new
video that was just posted on the site
call me at your earliest convenience. I
can be reached at
with Keith Olbermann"
And there it is.
The email I've waited for my entire life. National
exposure. A click away...
...and I can't,
accept, the offer.
Yes, you read that
correctly. Although I love the show and would
give anything to finally get recognized - I cannot do
anything to jeopardize my standing with "America's Got
Talent" until I know I'm in. As a certain
song said so clearly a couple days ago: "If you
become the face of protest, we may not advance to
see..." MSNBC wouldn't be the end of it and you
all know that. It would be the beginning of a massive
amount of press on the cartoon. Massive. And
that email didn't say "We want to run your cartoon",
it said "We're interested in talking to you about your
website and the new video that was just posted on the
site about Iran." Anyone who's seen his show knows
that's probably a "number" on the countdown and
talking for a few minutes about everything. In a
moment, I become a new face of protest with not
only that cartoon, but all the protest videos I've
done. It's the start of a long hill.
time "America's Got Talent" airs on
June 21st, I may be the equivalent of
Cindy Sheehan being on American Idol. It
would never happen, I'd be edited out. Is
this not the absolute biggest kick in the
ass you've ever read? And
I WATCH Olbermann! DAMNIT.
Listen to what he said about
man he nailed it. He would totally
get "Leaderless State". God
I would just love to be on the show.
So what the hell do
I give it a couple of days, in the meantime
Charlotte and I do everything possible to get in
contact with the segment producers for "America's Got
Talent" and find out what their plans for me are. Be
up front, and explain the situation and find a
solution that works out for everyone involved. I have
resisted trying to contact the girl I spoke with
since she said "call in May", but we're now at a big
crossroads. I could very well sacrifice everything.
This all blew up like 2 weeks too soon, and is exactly
what I feared in the "Bandwidth Exceeded" entry.
I was praying this would all just "float" for
several weeks but alas...it has legs - and it's
running through the water.
And as if that
wasn't enough, Eric Moro contacts me. Remember that
name? 6 years ago he helped keep Jess and I in LA with
Hollywood Screentest and Movie Minded. Dear JESUS,
this can't be. My GOD:
It's even 11:20
PM right now as I write this. (Sigh). That's
right, exactly 6 years ago to the day/hour/minute is
the entry that Eric Moro basically kept my ass in LA.
Well he contacted me tonight (minutes after getting
the Olbermann email) and asked if I could replace
Curtis Armstrong (many will know him as
"booger" from Revenge of the nerds, but he'll
always be Herbert Quentin Viola from Moonlighting to
me) and emcee this gig in Hollywood tomorrow. It's a
mock adult spelling bee to promote "Akeelah the
Bee" a movie coming out this Friday (just saw a
segment about it on Oprah). He now runs a magazine and
they needed a funny guy at the last minute to emcee
the night because Curtis had to cancel to go to New
York for more movie promotion. I was so thankful
it had nothing to do with the cartoon I can't even
begin to tell you. LOL. So of course I'm doing it. 6
years to the minute. The coincidences in my life will
never, ever, EVER cease to amaze me.
Many of you have
asked how I'm holding up and I thank you for the
concern. I do feel very "tri-polar" as the title
suggests. To be so low, so low, and then flatlined
immediately after takes a toll on you. However,
I am extremely thankful that I'm lucky enough to
have something happy to think about with so much
tragedy exploding all around me. So many of my friends
and co-workers have nothing but saddness filling them
right now. It is a huge blessing and I'm again,
immensely grateful for it. I am hyper-sensitive to
enjoying life's precious moments right now because of
Taja and how quickly she was taken away.