(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
8:43 PM, Saturday, May 10th, 2008:
There's a moment in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" where it turns from strange and interesting to perfect and it's a moment I'll never forget. At the end (not really a spoiler if you haven't seen it, you'll forget this about 45 seconds into this bizarre film) the two main characters end up back at the beginning of the movie, except now they have proof that their relationship is going to end badly. They have no memories, they think they just met - but they know for certain it will be heartbreaking (as we the viewer have already seen). It's all a set up for one of my favorite moments in movie-making history when knowing it's not gonna work out, they look at each other...and jump anyway.
Now it's not because they're just sappy romantics that I like that moment - it's because in the end, it's about living in the moment. Rather zen-like considering my current frustrations with all things Buddha. The Journey is what matters. In 2005, Jessica and I spent a "Secret Week" together that was one of the most endearing and wonderful things we've ever done. We were already broken up, she was back in LA on business for a couple months - and her last week she moved in and we just acted like we were married. No questions, no drama, no stressing about "what it all meant", we just reconnected on all the levels that made us love each other. And at the end of the week, at the moment where most movies would have her tearing up her ticket and staying? She got on the plane and went home. It was the right thing to do. To date it was one of the best choices, that everyone would've told me I was crazy for had they known, I ever made.
I'm sure you see where this is leading... :-)
I can't help it. The closer I get to 11am tomorrow the more I can feel it happening. It doesn't matter that my head knows it will most likely unravel within the month. It doesn't matter that I've watched this pattern she's going through 20 times in a row the last 20 months. I love her. I just love the hell out of her. I'm going to pick her up (then I have to sit through 3 hours of funtime at Camp Creepy) and just jump. Feel the closeness and believe again. She is 100% onboard and is certain, as she always is, that she's got the right mindset for everything to work out perfectly. I will give it every single opportunity to work, as I always do, and enjoy every moment we have together. Eternal Sunshine for now. I'll love you forever, for now. Man it's crazy how that medley went full circle a few entries back.
So there you are. 13 crazy entries from my month off while Donna escaped to a wonderland of... bald padawans in Jedi Robes. I swear to CHRIST if she shaved her head... fuck that didn't even occur to me. Oh dear. Oh dear sweet jesus of nazareth. That would make things difficult. Not to be superficial here - but if she's bald, of her own choice and not like, chemo? I'm just gonna forget I even mentioned this. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. I didn't write that. I didn't write that. I didn't write that.
Funny I resort to repeating a statement over and over (as one would do while meditating) to clear my mind of that. I guess I'm a closet Buddhist. Heh. Good Buddha, what can possibly happen next...
PS - fun video to do. See the movie, it'll make a bit more sense....
She is my sunshine, eternal sunshine,
She makes me happy when skies are grey,
She'll never know dear, how much I love her...
Please don't take my sunshine away...
I know tomorrow, there may be sorrow,
I know it's coming no need to say,
I need to hold her, I need to love her,
Please don't take my sunshine...today.