3:43 PM, Saturday, April 2nd 2005:
I don’t believe in the history of The Journey I’ve ever been in such a situation. I pretty much shut myself off from the world at the end of March and had to just do something I couldn’t explain in these entries. Hell I couldn’t explain to my family, my friends… It made no real rational sense but looking back now, I couldn’t be happier that I did it.
Jess and I spent her final 10 days in LA, living together – and simply being us again. We were so far apart, and I was so goddamn angry that I knew if she were to get back on that plane, our friendship would be over. Completely finished. That’s what “Saying When” was truly about. I just couldn’t do it…but was I willing to never be able to reconnect on that level with her? It was something that would never be the same again if forced to happen from 2500 miles away.
So on Sunday March 20th Jess and I had to go over bills and as had become the norm for me over the past month, it was all I could do to be cordial. To this day I’ve never been burned harder, and she never seemed to “get it”. So we sourly went to Wendy’s to sit for a bit...I say we but I was the sour one. It was only a matter of time before I brought it up – saying I was just angry still. I still feel completely slapped in the face. Again, it’s not really public on these entries what about the Vegas situation REALLY rubbed salt in the wound – but that was still killing me. The situation with the guy was taking a different turn however, and it seemed Jess was actually hearing what I was saying. Something was slightly different.
Well more than slightly – within an hour…uhm well we were “together” again. Having no idea what anything meant, it just was. Fortunately she felt that too, and the next day she moved out of her bosses house so we could spend the few days we had left together. The thing was though…we just couldn’t bare telling anyone. Because I don’t think we wanted to face all that shit. All the questions, all the “what are you doing!” from everyone. The bottom line was we had both hurt each other as bad as was possible. We didn’t want to have to explain ourselves, and we had no real time to “think” about this. We simply knew that we needed to be together as much as possible. So we told no one. I wrote nothing, and it was wonderful. To not have to answer to my own analysis was truly relaxing.
So although we couldn’t ignore everything, we did a pretty damn good job just “being us” again. We had some beautiful romantic nights, some incredibly touching moments – and just felt that connection we had. Maybe it was easy because we were ignoring all the truths. The fact that she still didn’t want to be in LA, the fact that she was getting on that plane in a few days…we just put it away for awhile – and remembered what had made us best friends in the world. Was it painful? Of course it was, but an acceptable pain. We actually had a lot of fun.
The night she got on the plane was of course very difficult. It was in the back of my mind that she should not do it. She was saying she felt she’d be back, she thinks it’s wrong…yadda yadda – but she just doesn’t have that… goddamn what is it? What is it when you just GRAB LIFE and hold it to your chest and run with it? That is what I need from my soul mate. Because that is what I bring to the table. If I fault – I fault FORWARD. If I fuck up I say TOO MUCH as opposed to TOO LITTLE. Yes, I get egg on my face from time to time, but I don’t have regrets. I don’t say “what-if”. It’s just who I am. And I also know exactly who I am. I just don’t think Jess does. And that’s what she’s doing right now – finding that. As wonderful as the week was, she’s now already enrolled in college in Columbus, has a new car which she spent all day with him buying. (sigh) – these aren’t the actions that follow the words she spoke to me that week.
So it goes. And it’s right. I guess that’s all this past year of my life with her has been. I’m at peace with us. We connected enough to be friends, and she’s obviously a happier person in Columbus with her family. I’m back to where I was in July of last year when we loved each other enough to let each other go. I really wonder if anyone really understood how hard that was. How hard it is to love someone so much – that you give them a future even if you’re not in it. Jess and I were simply not meant to be together. I have to follow my dreams, and although I can compromise (house, kids, jobs…) I cannot extinguish them. I would make everyone miserable and I know that. I completely believe that I was born to be an entertainer on a bunch of different levels. Following that is just an extension of my being. She in turn just cannot function happily so far from home. She’s proven that on every level. I believe she knows me, knows who I am and all I hope is that I don’t get a phone call from her in 3 months with her being miserable. It will break my heart. It also will always kick my ass that had she not gotten on that plane to Vegas and we had 6 weeks to spend together…counseling… we’ll never know. We had just enough time to start to connect and then it was all gone in a moment.
Timing is everything.
And PS - I really did change my middle name in the divorce papers. That wasn't a joke. Sorry guys, I got you. ;-)