- 3:43 PM, Saturday,
April 2nd 2005:
-
- I dont
believe in the history of The Journey Ive ever
been in such a situation. I pretty much shut myself
off from the world at the end of March and had to just
do something I couldnt explain in these entries.
Hell I couldnt explain to my family, my
friends
It made no real rational sense but
looking back now, I couldnt be happier that I
did it.
-
- Jess and I spent
her final 10 days in LA, living together and
simply being us again. We were so far apart, and I was
so goddamn angry that I knew if she were to get back
on that plane, our friendship would be over.
Completely finished. Thats what Saying
When was truly about. I just couldnt do
it
but was I willing to never be able to
reconnect on that level with her? It was something
that would never be the same again if forced to happen
from 2500 miles away.
-
- So on Sunday March
20th Jess and I had to go over bills and as had become
the norm for me over the past month, it was all I
could do to be cordial. To this day Ive never
been burned harder, and she never seemed to get
it. So we sourly went to Wendys to sit for
a bit...I say we but I was the sour one. It was only a
matter of time before I brought it up saying I
was just angry still. I still feel completely slapped
in the face. Again, its not really public on
these entries what about the Vegas situation REALLY
rubbed salt in the wound but that was still
killing me. The situation with the guy was taking a
different turn however, and it seemed Jess was
actually hearing what I was saying. Something was
slightly different.
-
- Well more than
slightly within an hour
uhm well we were
together again. Having no idea what
anything meant, it just was. Fortunately she felt that
too, and the next day she moved out of her bosses
house so we could spend the few days we had left
together. The thing was though
we just
couldnt bare telling anyone. Because I
dont think we wanted to face all that shit. All
the questions, all the what are you doing!
from everyone. The bottom line was we had both hurt
each other as bad as was possible. We didnt want
to have to explain ourselves, and we had no real time
to think about this. We simply knew that
we needed to be together as much as possible. So we
told no one. I wrote nothing, and it was wonderful. To
not have to answer to my own analysis was truly
relaxing.
-
- So although we
couldnt ignore everything, we did a pretty damn
good job just being us again. We had some
beautiful romantic nights, some incredibly touching
moments and just felt that connection we had.
Maybe it was easy because we were ignoring all the
truths. The fact that she still didnt want to be
in LA, the fact that she was getting on that plane in
a few days
we just put it away for awhile
and remembered what had made us best friends in the
world. Was it painful? Of course it was, but an
acceptable pain. We actually had a lot of
fun.
-
- The night she got
on the plane was of course very difficult. It was in
the back of my mind that she should not do it. She was
saying she felt shed be back, she thinks
its wrong
yadda yadda but she just
doesnt have that
goddamn what is it? What
is it when you just GRAB LIFE and hold it to your
chest and run with it? That is what I need from my
soul mate. Because that is what I bring to the table.
If I fault I fault FORWARD. If I fuck up I say
TOO MUCH as opposed to TOO LITTLE. Yes, I get egg on
my face from time to time, but I dont have
regrets. I dont say what-if.
Its just who I am. And I also know exactly who I
am. I just dont think Jess does. And thats
what shes doing right now finding that.
As wonderful as the week was, shes now already
enrolled in college in Columbus, has a new car which
she spent all day with him buying. (sigh) these
arent the actions that follow the words she
spoke to me that week.
-
- So it goes. And
its right. I guess thats all this past
year of my life with her has been. Im at peace
with us. We connected enough to be friends, and
shes obviously a happier person in Columbus with
her family. Im back to where I was in July of
last year when we loved each other enough to let each
other go. I really wonder if anyone really understood
how hard that was. How hard it is to love someone so
much that you give them a future even if
youre not in it. Jess and I were simply not
meant to be together. I have to follow my dreams, and
although I can compromise (house, kids, jobs
) I
cannot extinguish them. I would make everyone
miserable and I know that. I completely believe that I
was born to be an entertainer on a bunch of different
levels. Following that is just an extension of my
being. She in turn just cannot function happily so far
from home. Shes proven that on every level. I
believe she knows me, knows who I am and all I hope is
that I dont get a phone call from her in 3
months with her being miserable. It will break my
heart. It also will always kick my ass that had she
not gotten on that plane to Vegas and we had 6 weeks
to spend together
counseling
well
never know. We had just enough time to start to
connect and then it was all gone in a
moment.
-
- Timing is
everything.
-
- Adam
-
- And PS -
I really did change my middle name in the divorce
papers. That wasn't a joke. Sorry guys, I got
you. ;-)
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