Unlocked July 16th, 2009 -
See
Entry #934 for the
explanation
11:00 PM, Sunday,
February 3rd, 2008:
My strength was
bordering on stupidity...but I think Donna found
the one thing that will change that...
...and
they don't make 'em much more locked than
this. Christ. I hope I can unlock
this when the show airs because it'll
certainly make for an interesting viewing
companion when you know the whole story.
Christ, what a story. I swear to freakin'
Jesus this shit has to end at some
point...
...but
somehow - it hardly phases me? Is this a
weird phenomenon? I am so in touch
with who I am and what I'm supposed to be
doing - that unbelieveable turmoil in my
career, my personal life, it's just
another entry man. It's another anecdote
in this long tale I've been reporting on
for nearly a decade. Wait'll you hear
this shit.
So the situation
was already a bit trying. I was to be stuck in
the guesthouse all week as the show revolves around
Donna as she hangs out with the crew to work on the
house. The night before Donna stayed up all night to
finish painting the bathroom keeping me from helping
her with anything all weekend because of her own
issues in that area. No matter how softly I ask her to
"rest easy sweetheart" as she manically forces herself
to do everything - it makes no difference. Had
she just allowed us to be a "team" this shit would've
been done weeks ago. But again - all you need to know
is it exploded into a huge fight as she feels like I'm
judging her when I ask her to take it easy. She
puts inordinate amounts of pressure on herself, ends
up making more drama and chaos when everything was
fine to begin with (sanding, replastering, sanding,
replastering, sanding replastering the same spot for
literally days) and now this week, she doesn't go to
her therapy session because of the show. Heh. As I
went to sleep that night I knew exactly what was going
to happen. I swear to you I nailed it. I just
didn't realize how humiliating it would
be...
So we start
shooting the opening stuff (which i'm involved in) and
I notice in the script that the host actually slams me
as being a bad husband for the broken window. I almost
laughed out loud. Then Donna tells me that during her
one on one interview they tried to make HER slam me
about it. She refused to even speak about it. Now the
reason all this is coming up was during the initial
interview they did with us Donna was trying to be cute
and said she was from South Africa and that this
really scared her. The truth of the matter was that
when she found out how much it was to fix it she
wanted to spend money on window treatments and other
stuff until we could afford replacing the entire
window frame. When she said it that day I pointed out
to her that she had just set in motion something
bad...but I didn't realize how much they were
revolving around that fact. It was crucial to their
entire 1st act of the show and the producers had to
rewrite stuff on the spot. Ends up the "my
fault" portion which leads to a coin flip for who
would help out was because I broke the window with my
elbow - not because I'm a bad husband who doesn't keep
his wife safe. Oh sweet jesus I wish that guy
would've said that to me on camera. LOL.
The mood was also
very hard to describe. It's all guys, Donna is very
attractive and you know - you can just feel some
things. In particular was the main carpenter dude,
Josh, who immediately when Donna saw him she went on
and on about how she didn't like him. "Oh he just has
that rockstar vibe, I can't stand that." I took her at
her word until she said it a second time and then I
watched her around him. (sigh) I felt like I was in
high school again watching a 16 year old girlfriend
with the integrity of a...16 year old
girlfriend.
Now you stick me
in a room and don't let me out except for lunch. As
the days passed I watched her grow more and more
distant and act completely strange when I was near
both of them at the same time. I stayed quiet and let
it go. I came home one of the nights and I walk in and
she's exercising. ? She had just spent 12-14 hours of
some of the most grueling work and now at 8 pm she's
doing hardcore cardio. I knew she was being manic, and
I also understand sexual energy. I couldn't help but
just stare at her for a bit...which drove her CRAZY.
She was so angry I was judging her - and I jut
put my hands up without saying a word. I'm reacting to
something quite obvious.
The last day of
course I got to be on CAMERA with both of them -
even got to shake his hand. When we cut and he was
wrapped she STOPPED our portion they were filming to
run out and hug him. It may rank up there as one of
the more humiliating moments of my life as a crew full
of guys watched me, watch this. They may not have
noticed, or thought much of it... but man - that got
me.
Then of course
comes today. They left Friday, yesterday she was
depressed all day because they were gone - and today
was the big revelation. She's leaving me. She found
herself in him. He didn't judge her. He was an ex drug
addict and was flawed just like her. He didn't expect
anything from her - he accepted her for who she was.
Now she said nothing happened, and probably never
would, but it was eye-opening. She was attracted to
him as a person, she was attracted to him physically
in a way she wasn't to me. You reading this? And she
also didn't need therapy anymore as she was only going
because I told her there was something wrong with
her. If you guys only knew the issue that she
is going to therapy for your jaw would be dropped
right now...as if it isn't already.
I of course
tried to explain to her that after several months of
depression she just spent a week with a bunch of men
who were PAID to do a TELEVISION show
revolving completely around her. She hadn't been on a
TV set for years and it stroked her ego. So she was in
her favorite place, and felt like a queen every single
day. Now, she has to come back down to reality and go
to a therapy session. It's like going to work after a
vacation. Of course because she's manic - she has to
turn it into the end of EVERYTHING and hurt me in the
process by making it my lack of either
understanding, physical attractiveness, compassion -
whatever.
Now just as I
guessed this would happen a week ago, I can guess the
following week. She will go to her therapy (because
I'm gonna go in her place because she can't cancel at
this point, and once I do that she'll jump at it)
and the therapist will tell her the exact same thing
that I did. This will anger her for about 24-36 hours
and then her hormones will shift, she'll come back -
say she's sorry and act like everything's fine. That's
the part of this that really starts to wear
thin. Once she's ok? Then everything's ok. All
the horrendous things she said to me, all the pain she
caused - as long as she realizes the truth... no
apologies, nothin'. Fun cycle huh?
But right now
she's already on craigslist looking for places to
live. I wonder if there's a craigslist for the
FUCKING MOON? Heh. I laugh, but this really is
getting rough. I knew I had to be supportive
through therapy because there would be hard times -
but if she really does end therapy? As I said in
December, that is it. She has to continue her
therapy or I'm out. I have a feeling though, because
of Josh (who is probably completely oblivious that any
of this is occuring), I will have a difficult time
continuing to get abused by her. You can say it isn't
malicious for only so long. At some point you're just
a complete pussy for putting up with any of it. I've
fought my own instinct for long enough. A full year
longer than I should have. But I have to admit -
I can't wait to watch the therapist hear this
one from Donna.
Remember this
entry Adam. If you can read this and truly believe
she's a different person than was just described,
there's a chance. But remember she was that different
person about 48 hours before this happened and will be
back to her again in another 48 hours. You
ready to have a baby with her yet?
