Unlocked July 16th, 2009 - See Entry #934 for the explanation
11:00 PM, Sunday, February 3rd, 2008:
My strength was bordering on stupidity...but I think Donna found the one thing that will change that...
...and they don't make 'em much more locked than this. Christ. I hope I can unlock this when the show airs because it'll certainly make for an interesting viewing companion when you know the whole story. Christ, what a story. I swear to freakin' Jesus this shit has to end at some point...
...but somehow - it hardly phases me? Is this a weird phenomenon? I am so in touch with who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing - that unbelieveable turmoil in my career, my personal life, it's just another entry man. It's another anecdote in this long tale I've been reporting on for nearly a decade. Wait'll you hear this shit.
So the situation was already a bit trying. I was to be stuck in the guesthouse all week as the show revolves around Donna as she hangs out with the crew to work on the house. The night before Donna stayed up all night to finish painting the bathroom keeping me from helping her with anything all weekend because of her own issues in that area. No matter how softly I ask her to "rest easy sweetheart" as she manically forces herself to do everything - it makes no difference. Had she just allowed us to be a "team" this shit would've been done weeks ago. But again - all you need to know is it exploded into a huge fight as she feels like I'm judging her when I ask her to take it easy. She puts inordinate amounts of pressure on herself, ends up making more drama and chaos when everything was fine to begin with (sanding, replastering, sanding, replastering, sanding replastering the same spot for literally days) and now this week, she doesn't go to her therapy session because of the show. Heh. As I went to sleep that night I knew exactly what was going to happen. I swear to you I nailed it. I just didn't realize how humiliating it would be...
So we start shooting the opening stuff (which i'm involved in) and I notice in the script that the host actually slams me as being a bad husband for the broken window. I almost laughed out loud. Then Donna tells me that during her one on one interview they tried to make HER slam me about it. She refused to even speak about it. Now the reason all this is coming up was during the initial interview they did with us Donna was trying to be cute and said she was from South Africa and that this really scared her. The truth of the matter was that when she found out how much it was to fix it she wanted to spend money on window treatments and other stuff until we could afford replacing the entire window frame. When she said it that day I pointed out to her that she had just set in motion something bad...but I didn't realize how much they were revolving around that fact. It was crucial to their entire 1st act of the show and the producers had to rewrite stuff on the spot. Ends up the "my fault" portion which leads to a coin flip for who would help out was because I broke the window with my elbow - not because I'm a bad husband who doesn't keep his wife safe. Oh sweet jesus I wish that guy would've said that to me on camera. LOL.
The mood was also very hard to describe. It's all guys, Donna is very attractive and you know - you can just feel some things. In particular was the main carpenter dude, Josh, who immediately when Donna saw him she went on and on about how she didn't like him. "Oh he just has that rockstar vibe, I can't stand that." I took her at her word until she said it a second time and then I watched her around him. (sigh) I felt like I was in high school again watching a 16 year old girlfriend with the integrity of a...16 year old girlfriend.
Now you stick me in a room and don't let me out except for lunch. As the days passed I watched her grow more and more distant and act completely strange when I was near both of them at the same time. I stayed quiet and let it go. I came home one of the nights and I walk in and she's exercising. ? She had just spent 12-14 hours of some of the most grueling work and now at 8 pm she's doing hardcore cardio. I knew she was being manic, and I also understand sexual energy. I couldn't help but just stare at her for a bit...which drove her CRAZY. She was so angry I was judging her - and I jut put my hands up without saying a word. I'm reacting to something quite obvious.
The last day of course I got to be on CAMERA with both of them - even got to shake his hand. When we cut and he was wrapped she STOPPED our portion they were filming to run out and hug him. It may rank up there as one of the more humiliating moments of my life as a crew full of guys watched me, watch this. They may not have noticed, or thought much of it... but man - that got me.
Then of course comes today. They left Friday, yesterday she was depressed all day because they were gone - and today was the big revelation. She's leaving me. She found herself in him. He didn't judge her. He was an ex drug addict and was flawed just like her. He didn't expect anything from her - he accepted her for who she was. Now she said nothing happened, and probably never would, but it was eye-opening. She was attracted to him as a person, she was attracted to him physically in a way she wasn't to me. You reading this? And she also didn't need therapy anymore as she was only going because I told her there was something wrong with her. If you guys only knew the issue that she is going to therapy for your jaw would be dropped right now...as if it isn't already.
I of course tried to explain to her that after several months of depression she just spent a week with a bunch of men who were PAID to do a TELEVISION show revolving completely around her. She hadn't been on a TV set for years and it stroked her ego. So she was in her favorite place, and felt like a queen every single day. Now, she has to come back down to reality and go to a therapy session. It's like going to work after a vacation. Of course because she's manic - she has to turn it into the end of EVERYTHING and hurt me in the process by making it my lack of either understanding, physical attractiveness, compassion - whatever.
Now just as I guessed this would happen a week ago, I can guess the following week. She will go to her therapy (because I'm gonna go in her place because she can't cancel at this point, and once I do that she'll jump at it) and the therapist will tell her the exact same thing that I did. This will anger her for about 24-36 hours and then her hormones will shift, she'll come back - say she's sorry and act like everything's fine. That's the part of this that really starts to wear thin. Once she's ok? Then everything's ok. All the horrendous things she said to me, all the pain she caused - as long as she realizes the truth... no apologies, nothin'. Fun cycle huh?
But right now she's already on craigslist looking for places to live. I wonder if there's a craigslist for the FUCKING MOON? Heh. I laugh, but this really is getting rough. I knew I had to be supportive through therapy because there would be hard times - but if she really does end therapy? As I said in December, that is it. She has to continue her therapy or I'm out. I have a feeling though, because of Josh (who is probably completely oblivious that any of this is occuring), I will have a difficult time continuing to get abused by her. You can say it isn't malicious for only so long. At some point you're just a complete pussy for putting up with any of it. I've fought my own instinct for long enough. A full year longer than I should have. But I have to admit - I can't wait to watch the therapist hear this one from Donna.
Remember this entry Adam. If you can read this and truly believe she's a different person than was just described, there's a chance. But remember she was that different person about 48 hours before this happened and will be back to her again in another 48 hours. You ready to have a baby with her yet?