(sigh)
I know - it's been awhile since I've
written...I haven't had only 2 entries in one
month since...ever. Whew, where do
I begin.
I
started to write this about a week ago, but was just
too distressed to continue. I know that's unlike me,
but I pretty much waited until some of the smoke
had cleared - and now I'll say a few words. It's
usually quite the opposite, but this time it was just
too personal - and way too painful.
My
dad was rushed to the hospital because his heart was
goin' crazy. It's caused by a hereditary condition
he's had his whole life: Mitral Valve Prolapse. I
talked to him soon after, and he said they were going
to have to do open-heart to repair the valve. The
doctors decided a full replacement wasn't necessary,
but it had to be repaired.
Adam
decided to freak the hell out. I've never even
conceived the death of my parents. I mean they're 50
for crying out loud. When I got the call from my
step-mother I actually had a physical reaction.
Thoughts of my grandmother hit me so friggin' hard. To
be so far away, and hear things second hand... And of
course because of how much I was in the dark about
Nana, wondering if I'm getting the "whole" story
on my father. That's the most wretched feeling of all.
I booked a flight for back home immediately and will
be flying out in a week. There wasn't even a question.
I have to see it all with my own eyes now. Wow, it
really is amazing how the events surrounding my
grandmother have changed the way I deal with things.
So
each day I'd call and it was something new. Day 2 it
was a mixture of two different heart problems, and
they may not have to go in - then later they found
that the valve was really damaged and they had
to replace, not repair it. Then finally on the last
day, they ruled out the surgery for now and are just
putting him on medications to monitor everything.
Which is good news, but also a little bittersweet
because we're both of the opinion that if it's gonna
need to be replaced anyway - do it when he's young. Of
course the bottom line is - if you don't have to rip
open someone's chest, you don't. I know, I know -
technology is amazing these days and this is a "minor"
heart proceedure - but whatever...chest + opening =
bad. Period.
And
although I guess I'm reacting as well as anyone
would to all this, I'm starting to feel the stress of
things more than I usually do. I know, this coming
from "Mr. Suicide Notes", but this seems much more
legitimate to me. Last year was all in my head, this
is quite a physical reaction. It's really eerie how
frightened my body is right now about my dad. It's as
if my mind has no control over it. The urge to keep
the "Nana" situation from ever happening again is so
strong. I wonder if it's what all people feel when
they move away far away. There's this disconnected
feeling. The only thing that keeps you connected is
the image of home...and the second that image changes,
it doesn't register right away and you have this urge
to go back. You have to see it with your own eyes.
So
tomorrow night I'm flying back and should be able to
spend a few days with him. It is a bit painful
financially since we're trying to save the remainder
for the house, but that's about the only good thing
credit cards are for: emergencies.
Anyway,
I'll just end this now as going into how
much my dad means to me is just
counter-productive. I've made it
incredibly clear in several entries and
thinking about it now just scares me more.
For reference, Entry
#121
- and said video.
So before you say it, I know - everything
will be fine.
