YouTube link added 02.11.09
12:01 AM, Tuesday, April 1st, 2003:
(sigh) I know - it's been awhile since I've written...I haven't had only 2 entries in one month since...ever. Whew, where do I begin.
I started to write this about a week ago, but was just too distressed to continue. I know that's unlike me, but I pretty much waited until some of the smoke had cleared - and now I'll say a few words. It's usually quite the opposite, but this time it was just too personal - and way too painful.
My dad was rushed to the hospital because his heart was goin' crazy. It's caused by a hereditary condition he's had his whole life: Mitral Valve Prolapse. I talked to him soon after, and he said they were going to have to do open-heart to repair the valve. The doctors decided a full replacement wasn't necessary, but it had to be repaired.
Adam decided to freak the hell out. I've never even conceived the death of my parents. I mean they're 50 for crying out loud. When I got the call from my step-mother I actually had a physical reaction. Thoughts of my grandmother hit me so friggin' hard. To be so far away, and hear things second hand... And of course because of how much I was in the dark about Nana, wondering if I'm getting the "whole" story on my father. That's the most wretched feeling of all. I booked a flight for back home immediately and will be flying out in a week. There wasn't even a question. I have to see it all with my own eyes now. Wow, it really is amazing how the events surrounding my grandmother have changed the way I deal with things.
So each day I'd call and it was something new. Day 2 it was a mixture of two different heart problems, and they may not have to go in - then later they found that the valve was really damaged and they had to replace, not repair it. Then finally on the last day, they ruled out the surgery for now and are just putting him on medications to monitor everything. Which is good news, but also a little bittersweet because we're both of the opinion that if it's gonna need to be replaced anyway - do it when he's young. Of course the bottom line is - if you don't have to rip open someone's chest, you don't. I know, I know - technology is amazing these days and this is a "minor" heart proceedure - but whatever...chest + opening = bad. Period.
And although I guess I'm reacting as well as anyone would to all this, I'm starting to feel the stress of things more than I usually do. I know, this coming from "Mr. Suicide Notes", but this seems much more legitimate to me. Last year was all in my head, this is quite a physical reaction. It's really eerie how frightened my body is right now about my dad. It's as if my mind has no control over it. The urge to keep the "Nana" situation from ever happening again is so strong. I wonder if it's what all people feel when they move away far away. There's this disconnected feeling. The only thing that keeps you connected is the image of home...and the second that image changes, it doesn't register right away and you have this urge to go back. You have to see it with your own eyes.
So tomorrow night I'm flying back and should be able to spend a few days with him. It is a bit painful financially since we're trying to save the remainder for the house, but that's about the only good thing credit cards are for: emergencies.
Anyway, I'll just end this now as going into how much my dad means to me is just counter-productive. I've made it incredibly clear in several entries and thinking about it now just scares me more. For reference, Entry #121 - and said video. So before you say it, I know - everything will be fine.
Just find a way to tell my body that, ok?