YouTube link added 02.09.09
3:53 PM, Friday, April 2nd, 2004:
Bar none, that was the best April Fools Day joke I've ever written in the five April firsts I've spent in LA. By the end of that entry - even I felt like I was moving back to Columbus. What a tremendously difficult entry to write. I had to throw myself in it so much that at points I actually sat and thought about giving it all up to start a life back home in Columbus. And no matter what you guys say, even if you remembered it was April Fool's Day, at some point in that entry you entertained the notion that that may have just been a coincidence. Because man folks, if I ever did go back, that's EXACTLY what it would've sounded like. Fuckin chills readin' that shit.
It honestly did bring up some good points though. What if that is the cause of my foundation of meloncholy? I have good days and bad days, but as I mentioned last month - I'm generally not happy. You can say it's everything from struggles with career, job, wife, money...but it could also be I'm not where I belong. After writing that entry, I have to admit I seriously thought about it. Never saw myself getting tricked by my own April Fools Day joke.
The reactions were pretty good this year. I realized years ago that the initial gang, so dubbed "The 2000 Gang" are never getting tricked again. I believe they wait patiently for the moment on April 1st in which they can email me with "YOU DIDNT GET ME!!!" because as I got 'em ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL in 2000 and they're still pissed. LOL.
I was wondering what you were going to try this year. Good job man, though it would be great to have you back here in Columbus. Good luck with everything.
Ha! You're not getting me this year! For the first time in 5 years, I'm
not falling for your April Fools' joke! So there!
Ready for you this year, this was pretty low though.
Nice April Fools Joke......
Nice try-will not be fooled again on 4/1-although we wish you were heading back ( I only read the first two lines anyway)
Sorry, dude, but you didn't catch me this time.
I was waiting for the "April Fool!" at the bottom.
You didn't get me THIS year, Kontras! I am SO proud!
WOO-HOO! I rock!
I assume this is an April Fool's entry?

So the 2000 gang feels all smart and shit, but I warn you: If anything amazingly good happens anywhere CLOSE to April 1st next year I'm saving it for the entry so the jokes on you guys.
Now the new readers however weren't ready for the tradition and they pretty much all fell hard.
Don't look at it as giving up, look at it as another phase in your life. You have so much talent that something big is going to happen for you...even in Columbus Ohio.
When you get back to Columbus, I'll buy you a beer.
Good luck on the move...
I'm sure you have plenty of connections in Columbus, but I know a great real estate agent if you need one. More of a buyer's market here in Columbus. Let me know if I can help.
wow! You're leaving?????????????
Wishing you and Jess and Shizzle and Roxie and the cats all the best for your move.
Sara Golden
Pet Orphans Fund volunteer
PS-will miss your live shows.........................
I wrote her back:
Now I feel bad. LOL.
April Fools.
Still didn't really register with her:
Glad to hear you LOL again. Don't ever underestimate the importance of happy and famiily...seems like you have a handle on it right now.
When you get relocated in Ohio, don't forget to let Pet Orphans Fund your new contact information. Roxie's database tag won't work without current information; and if she is microchipped, let Avid know, too. With the many stresses involved in moving, many people forget to do this. If you want to be anal about it, get Ohio tags as you are getting ready to travel there and put them, along with the current tags on the animals. Often dogs that get loose during the moving process end up back home because they have moving tags (put friend/family member info on Ohio end on these tags if you don't know where you are going to land)
I'll always be a fan.........................
I finally had to spell it out:

K - now i REALLY feel bad...

It's April 1st Sara. It's a joke. I do it every year on my site. I ain't goin' NOWHERE. And neither is Roxy.



At least you know that you pulled off an April 1st joke; I am the ultimate sucker............didn't even get it the first time you told me I must say, I was really surprised that you were giving in (notice, I did not say up) but accepted it because the rest of it went along with the man I see you to be.
I really should have known because I think I now remember your 2003 April entry doing the same thing; I really should pay better attention.
Well, let us know when the next show is........................and get ready for next April 1st when I fall for it again.
Pet Orphans Fund, I love you guys. Sorry for playing with your emotions there. Some newbies caught it pretty well:
Yo Dawg,
I checked your track record. Your wife left you, someone stole your trailer, you won the lottery, your dad's havin' heart problems, and now you're going home =( I think I'm gonna write a country song for you. Hit me back fool.
Not bad, except last year was the truth. Heh.
words that come to mind but won't be repeated.... so, yet another big, fat, April Fools joke?
The only bad thing about jokes, is that then you are open to retaliation.

Now the following people have no excuse. None whatsoever. They've been reading for at LEAST 4 New Year's entries:



dammit - you had me for about 2 hours. I almost bought it.



Come ON Paddy! You know I ain't leavin'!



When were you planning on letting me in on your little seacrest, I mean secret? I can help you in all areas of your planning stages. Seriously, let me's what I do. I'm available for you guys anytime.




You may remember Remo as our realtor, and before that as the "Cigar Man". He realized it about 2 hours later...


Ok, fuck you and the cat you rode in on...twice, geeeeez oh man.


I called him today and he actually had a good point: he found out we were looking for a house through an entry so why not that we were selling it...classic.

Then in what has to be applauded for originality, a fellow reader decided to try and "get" me. Unfortunately he decided to respond to MY APRIL FOOLS DAY email. Come on man. You gotta do better than that:
Kontras, you gotta do something about your website. I think you were hacked this morning.
I'm emailing from work (web-based email is a good thing sometimes) and I hope they will excuse the semi-personal use. But this is an emergency. I was reading through #321 this morning, which echoed some of the things I felt I was going through visiting Ohio in March - it still feels like home to me too - but then I noticed my hard drive whacking away like a horny zoo chimp. So I checked my firewall's activity log (Tiny personal edition, better than nothing) and it showed a lot of repeated "GNUtella get" requests coming from As well as a lot of outbound TCP requests. From that one glance, I think they were all from the same IP address, but at this point I can't tell because the computer is now useless.
I immediately tried to close my browser, but it kept poppling back open. Then I tried to disconnect, but that didn't work either. So I figured, I'll just unplug the phone jack and that should do the trick.
And before you point the finger at me, I do run Norton antivirus in addition to the firewall and I do run a couple of additional products like AdAware to track down spyware that browsing might have dropped on the PC, and they're up-to-date as of Monday evening. And I do apply those Windows "critical updates" when they're available. So I'm paranoid. But in this case it seems like some competent hacker came up with something new, or some incompetent Microsoft programmer screwed up again, or maybe somebody built a website that encouraged exploiting known security flaws.
But any way, within five seconds of pulling the phone cord, my machine froze up. There was just no other way to shut down except to pull the plug. And now, it won't even boot up.
So at this point, I've got fairly new $899 paperweight on my desk at home, instead of a PC, and I'm stealing minutes from my employer (that's how they see this) to warn you.
I didn't have time to try booting up off the emergency floppy (which I have, being paranoid about this stuff) to see exactly what might work - but then it's not like the computer is even spinning up at this point. So for now, I'm going to leave it unplugged and see if some capicator just has to discharge today, and hope for the best this evening.
If not, I take a note every time I do something (including those security-related updates I mentioned) to the PC and I'll have whoever does the post-mortem on this thing let me know specifically what damage your website caused. I should say, IF it was your website. But IF - then you better get successful pretty quickly, at least to the several hundred dollar level. I don't care if you have to sell your pets to a Korean restaurant, you're gonna reimburse me for this (er...IF it was your website. But that was the only thing I checked this morning and the firewall did seem to say it was your domain that was put to malicious use.) I'm really sorry to have to do that, but I can't afford the money to replace the damn thing, and in California we live by the motto "SUE THE BASTARDS!" when this sort of stuff goes down.
Keep your fingers crossed, but you have been warned.
...and now, I have to ask, is it *just* "Ye Faithful Readers Of Ye Journey" who check the dates on communications the first day of April every year?
Hell he wrote as much as I did. LOL. Valiant effort man.
Now nothing will ever beat the 2001 LOTTERY reactions, but for believeability - 2004 ruled. I'm seriously running out of shit though. Anyway, I'm not goin' anywhere. Not even New York to be on the Stern show. Honestly, I had put aside all day Monday to get the tape done and Saturday morning I smashed my finger in the back door. And I do mean smashed. UG-LY. Needless to say the weekend was shot, but by Sunday night it looked like I'd be alright. Then at 3:24 AM Monday morning I awoke out of a sound sleep with some pretty intense pain. Took some advil, grabbed some icecubes and a paper towel and 90 minutes later finally fell back asleep... but the damage was done. I finally woke up to the pulsing of a nasty infection underneath my nail that proceeded to pound for the next 72 hours.
Was this close to going to the emergency room so they could rip my nail off and get that shit out. Luckily by Thursday morning it started to get better. Scary for a moment there. Provided for a good video however when the nail became loose Thursday night. LOL. If you can get past what you're looking at...this is a tremendously funny video.
Only bad part in all this is all 4 Trinitrons will amazingly be missing their right index fingernail. Heh. It'll be something funny to look for on the DVD I guess.
Notice I didn't mention the Stuttering John tape as a bad part of the nail smash. It's simply not the right time. Period. My goal is in front of my face. It's the same reason I'm not looking for a manager, or another publicist right now. I HAVE to finish the clean show. Period. Without that, I really have nothing to push. I don't want to push the dirty show, I want to have the bits that can be highlighted on television. So actively pursuing anything for pure promotional reasons is just premature right now. It's not time. When this show is done, and I truly have something that could be on "The Tonight Show" or "Star Search" or just an LA morning show - then I'll be going all out. That's what I'm taking from the backers and Mr. Garis in December. I have people willing to fund the publicity and a huge piece of advice from a guy in the game for a loooong time: "FUCK" is limiting. And this was before the 50's time warp the entertainment world is currently in.
So I just can't deviate from the plan. As much as it friggin' KILLS me to sit and watch my HAIR GROW, this puppy ain't filming until May. That's just the way it is...but man is this final show perfect. Whew. If this doesn't get national exposure it's absolutely time to move my energies to a different medium.