(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's
request (please read #704)
2:35 AM, Saturday,
December 8th, 2007:
It's so
ridiculously unfair. No matter who was in the wrong or
right with Jess and Burg common sense tells you that I
must have something wrong with me. And now? Other than
2 out of 3 wives dying in plane crashes (and you'd
still be suspect), no one will even look at you for a
second. Why that is...is pretty obvious
actually:
People
lie. The majority of people spin,
rationalize - constantly throughout their
lives. Not only do they do it, but the
people they meet do it - and
everyone plays the same game. When you
meet someone you're comparing your
bullshit to theirs. And the kicker here
is... I don't bullshit.
I
don't say I don't bullshit - it's
all here, my whole life, completely raw
and unedited because I know who
I am and I stand up for what I
believe in. I know who I am. When I
say that I mean that when I'm 80
years old I will be doing the same
shit I'm doing now. Writing, producing,
creating. I swear to you on my death
bed there will be a grandkid or someone
taking dictation as I write my final
entries. There will be a videocamera on as
I try to give just a little more to
the world before I pass.
...and listen,
I know that's rare. I don't expect that from
a mate. I just happened to find my canvas
(without ever looking for it) and I'm running with it.
I love The Journey and my life will reflect
that.
The point of all
this rambling is - you aren't getting past 3 divorces.
Never. Not one word out of my mouth will be sincere.
Saying I had no control over what happened with
Burg as she had her grandfather make up the seperation
papers and handed 'em to me half asleep, to how Jess
& I were (and still are) a loving
relationship - and it was a decision to the betterment
of both of us, and finally to the effects of an
expiring visa and the brutally honest fact that Donna
has far more issues than anyone could withstand. Who
will ever believe that I wasn't at fault? It sounds
wildly arrogant to even type the words - but what can
I say? I don't think I'm a difficult person to live
with. I actually think I'm a
wonderful communicator, lover, partner, support
system. I pull no punches when it comes to who I am
(like acting like I'm a nature guy when I'm more of a
homebody techno-geek). No one could ever be surprised
with me because I am completely honest and open from
the beginning with who I am and you know me that
first meeting. You really do.
I think that's why
women fall so fast with me. I swear to fucking
christ man - it's mind-blowing how something about me
changes women. God this might be the most
embarrassing entry I've ever written. But if I had a
friggin hay-penny for how many times women have
been floooooooored by who I am and reconsider
everything they've ever known... it's just, well it's
fucking difficult. Because how the fuck do you take
that? And I have held back, trust me. Cassi would
be the best example of that. She was far too young for
anything that serious and she got "Adam-lite"
because of it... but anyone who has even a hint of
potential? Just being me is... unreal to them.
I just friggin' have to say it for my own
therapeutic reasons because being too embarrassed to
admit it only hurts me.
It's why I'm Mr.
Long-Term relationship. If I'm that spectacular
to this person in front of me... it must be "the one"
right? But see, no one is ever that honest. Or they
change their mind a year later. I mean how the
fuck do men ever stay with a woman? I swear to
christ man. I joke that it would be easier if
I were gay but fuck, a gay man is no different
than a woman. Funny the term "but fuck" would be in
that sentence. Heh. And living single forever?
Completely out of the question. I want kids,
I want a family and I love having a soulful
special relationship with one person. But are there
any women that know themselves enough to not lie? To
not change constantly? To not have such a history of
abuse that any man in their path will be destroyed
over time?
It sucks because
I act like I'm lost...but I'm not. I knew
I wasn't ready to get married to Donna,
I said it, I wrote it, she knew it... and it was
because I knew there were so many problems she needed
to get through. I was not ready however for her to be
deported. You outstay your visa? You're fucked.
You're not comin' back to this country for 10 years.
It's ugly. And if she were to go back to South
Africa? Could've been another 5 years before she
got back just like it was last time. What a fuckin'
predicament. And of course it happens to the guy who
has already been divorced twice. Of course he had to
see if his heart could jump again without a
net. Of course.
Number three. And
the hope of having a family before 40 all but
vanishes. I'm with Donna until October 2009 at which
point we can go through the legal shit again and I'll
be starting over again in 2010 staring 35 in the face
and trying to downplay 3 divorces to the next person.
Never trusting a thing she says because of how
burned I've been while at the same time trying to get
them to trust me no matter how burned they've
been.
Wow, it's the 8th.
27 years ago Lennon was shot. Wow am I really that
close to the age he was when he was shot... Goddamn.
Even he was on #2 (although marriage would be a lot
easier if you could take 18 months off and fuck
everyone you wanted, and then start over)... but still
only #2.
! Did I just write
that? Oh my shit man... that line about marriage.
That's crazy. I'm literally being hardened right in
front of my own eyes. I don't see marriage as a
loving thing 2 people share, I see it as
struggling with something you don't want. The Adam I
knew would never want to take 18 months off and
fuck everyone as John did in his "lost weekend". Meh,
I shouldn't read too far into that, it's the
normal Adam cycle when going through a divorce.
Wanting to do "bachelor shit", that tends to last for
about a year and then wanting more.
Et
cetera,
Et
cetera,
Et
cetera...
I'm out man. Three
strikes I'm out. I can't even comprehend this
bullshit.
