(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's request (please read #704)
2:35 AM, Saturday, December 8th, 2007:
It's so ridiculously unfair. No matter who was in the wrong or right with Jess and Burg common sense tells you that I must have something wrong with me. And now? Other than 2 out of 3 wives dying in plane crashes (and you'd still be suspect), no one will even look at you for a second. Why that is...is pretty obvious actually:
People lie. The majority of people spin, rationalize - constantly throughout their lives. Not only do they do it, but the people they meet do it - and everyone plays the same game. When you meet someone you're comparing your bullshit to theirs. And the kicker here is... I don't bullshit.
I don't say I don't bullshit - it's all here, my whole life, completely raw and unedited because I know who I am and I stand up for what I believe in. I know who I am. When I say that I mean that when I'm 80 years old I will be doing the same shit I'm doing now. Writing, producing, creating. I swear to you on my death bed there will be a grandkid or someone taking dictation as I write my final entries. There will be a videocamera on as I try to give just a little more to the world before I pass.
...and listen, I know that's rare. I don't expect that from a mate. I just happened to find my canvas (without ever looking for it) and I'm running with it. I love The Journey and my life will reflect that.
The point of all this rambling is - you aren't getting past 3 divorces. Never. Not one word out of my mouth will be sincere. Saying I had no control over what happened with Burg as she had her grandfather make up the seperation papers and handed 'em to me half asleep, to how Jess & I were (and still are) a loving relationship - and it was a decision to the betterment of both of us, and finally to the effects of an expiring visa and the brutally honest fact that Donna has far more issues than anyone could withstand. Who will ever believe that I wasn't at fault? It sounds wildly arrogant to even type the words - but what can I say? I don't think I'm a difficult person to live with. I actually think I'm a wonderful communicator, lover, partner, support system. I pull no punches when it comes to who I am (like acting like I'm a nature guy when I'm more of a homebody techno-geek). No one could ever be surprised with me because I am completely honest and open from the beginning with who I am and you know me that first meeting. You really do.
I think that's why women fall so fast with me. I swear to fucking christ man - it's mind-blowing how something about me changes women. God this might be the most embarrassing entry I've ever written. But if I had a friggin hay-penny for how many times women have been floooooooored by who I am and reconsider everything they've ever known... it's just, well it's fucking difficult. Because how the fuck do you take that? And I have held back, trust me. Cassi would be the best example of that. She was far too young for anything that serious and she got "Adam-lite" because of it... but anyone who has even a hint of potential? Just being me is... unreal to them. I just friggin' have to say it for my own therapeutic reasons because being too embarrassed to admit it only hurts me.
It's why I'm Mr. Long-Term relationship. If I'm that spectacular to this person in front of me... it must be "the one" right? But see, no one is ever that honest. Or they change their mind a year later. I mean how the fuck do men ever stay with a woman? I swear to christ man. I joke that it would be easier if I were gay but fuck, a gay man is no different than a woman. Funny the term "but fuck" would be in that sentence. Heh. And living single forever? Completely out of the question. I want kids, I want a family and I love having a soulful special relationship with one person. But are there any women that know themselves enough to not lie? To not change constantly? To not have such a history of abuse that any man in their path will be destroyed over time?
It sucks because I act like I'm lost...but I'm not. I knew I wasn't ready to get married to Donna, I said it, I wrote it, she knew it... and it was because I knew there were so many problems she needed to get through. I was not ready however for her to be deported. You outstay your visa? You're fucked. You're not comin' back to this country for 10 years. It's ugly. And if she were to go back to South Africa? Could've been another 5 years before she got back just like it was last time. What a fuckin' predicament. And of course it happens to the guy who has already been divorced twice. Of course he had to see if his heart could jump again without a net. Of course.
Number three. And the hope of having a family before 40 all but vanishes. I'm with Donna until October 2009 at which point we can go through the legal shit again and I'll be starting over again in 2010 staring 35 in the face and trying to downplay 3 divorces to the next person. Never trusting a thing she says because of how burned I've been while at the same time trying to get them to trust me no matter how burned they've been.
Wow, it's the 8th. 27 years ago Lennon was shot. Wow am I really that close to the age he was when he was shot... Goddamn. Even he was on #2 (although marriage would be a lot easier if you could take 18 months off and fuck everyone you wanted, and then start over)... but still only #2.
! Did I just write that? Oh my shit man... that line about marriage. That's crazy. I'm literally being hardened right in front of my own eyes. I don't see marriage as a loving thing 2 people share, I see it as struggling with something you don't want. The Adam I knew would never want to take 18 months off and fuck everyone as John did in his "lost weekend". Meh, I shouldn't read too far into that, it's the normal Adam cycle when going through a divorce. Wanting to do "bachelor shit", that tends to last for about a year and then wanting more.
Et cetera,
Et cetera,
Et cetera...
I'm out man. Three strikes I'm out. I can't even comprehend this bullshit.