(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's request (please read #704)
1:10 PM, Friday, December 7th, 2007:
Well for story purposes she was asleep when I got home, and has proceeded to be completely out of it the past 3 days. She stopped taking the pill as it was pretty obvious her body was just not dealing well. I've tried to make her comfortable although that first day was tough as she never spoke a word to me. Doesn't seem to be anger, just like she's drugged out. We talked last night and I explained my position very simply: I'm completely out of this, my heart is gone, passion gone, belief in this ever working is gone - we're at a point of no return. It's either medication or therapy of some kind, but we are "friends" until some pro-active steps are taken on her part. The wall of anger subsided a bit (probably just a wall of haze but it felt like anger) and she actually did cry. It felt like a "yeah, I know you're right" kind of moment. Not that she would ever say that - LOL. God love her. I certainly do. For a moment she thought I meant couples therapy and although I will certainly do anything at this point - her own issues have to start first. And I just put it out there in no uncertain terms about her relationships with the closest men in her life and how there's so much anger (rightfully so) that makes our relationship impossible with or without any chemical imbalance. Add the chemicals and it's... well it's exactly what we have here. It has to be addressed and would have to improve so drastically that I'm jaw-droppingly shocked. Bottom line is, we're technically married until October '09 for visa purposes and I need another relationship like I need a fucking hole in my head. I'm also killer with my right hand and my imagination is second to none. I believe I will break my all-time record since 15 of abstinence in the next few months. Anyway, the next phase of this... the moment that will haunt me for a looooooooong time:
Truth be told I knew it as it was happening but was in so much friggin' pain from the bombshell in New York last March that I couldn't bear the thought of not having the one comforting thing in my life...her arms. She had had this incredible turnaround while I was in NY and although it was the same pattern I had seen 20 times, it felt so good to believe again. As I said then, when she is "on-board" with us, we can conquer the world.
But all this pain is from something that incredibly wasn't even there when we initially broke up. GOD. DAMNIT. That fact destroys me. To break up with someone you're madly in love with, takes an amount of confidence and determination that I've had so few times in my life. You have to be strong enough to remember how bad the bad is, as opposed to being attracted to how good the good can be. With Donna it was harder than anyone I've ever known, because in no uncertain terms: there was nothing to be unhappy about! Like, with Jessica - I get it man. She was miserable away from her family, in the years from 20-25 she was more and more aware of how badly she wanted her own family back in Ohio... this was some serious shit. Donna and I were perfect. Our lives: perfect. We have leisurely lives, could pursue our dreams, could help each other - loved being with each other... she was in the city she wanted to be her entire life... it all works. Except for the fact that every other day, out of the fucking blue she'd just go ape shit. About nothing. You'd think you had a grasp on what was wrong, talk about it - then it was something else. So it was very, very difficult to let go. But I DID IT. It was right. She had MOVED out. Found an apartment, everything... done. So what happened again? What changed?
The "Up & Adam" news. On February 10th, 4 days after we broke up I got the bombshell that the head of latenight for CBS wanted to give me my own late night show after Fergusen called "Up & Adam". It still splits my cortex as I type the words. It rocked my world and changed my entire life for a month. And could hardly have come at a better time. It was that last piece of confidence I needed to not fall back in that comfort trap. I was on top of the world and nothing could stop me. Like, it's easy to avoid the jelly donut if you've already been working out for 2 weeks straight. You know? Once you hit that confidence level - it gets easier. Well this cemented me. No doubt. Still loved Donna, but I was on the right path, and we both knew that we were completely destroying ourselves trying to stay in this relationship. It could never work.
Then came the meeting in New York and everything I was told was not only completely miscommunicated, the head of late night at CBS had absolutely zero power to do anything he was saying and that lunch may have been the most difficult I've ever tried to digest. It was clear from what he was saying that nothing was thought out, it was just a "hey! got an idea! up and adam! it'll be brilliant! we'll get aerosmith on your show! swear!" He actually said that. It was stomach wrenching. I locked myself in my hotel room and sat in the shower forever. I was just... just fucking devastated. So numb. Had it not been for my father coming the following day I'm quite certain it would've gotten really bad in the choices department.
At the same time Donna was lonely and re-evaluating her pro-independent, anti-relationship stance and realized she really did love and miss me. She ended up picking me up from the airport and I was just so goddamn happy to hold someone who loved me... I just melted. I mean, come on - look at this face:
That's the face of the most happy and content little puppy dog in the world. See those shoulders? I'm a little boy. I was beaten to death and Donna was there. She was at her best and I needed so badly to believe in something. Now throw in the conveyor belt zipping us towards her expiring visa in 2 1/2 months. A couple minor blow-ups in between but for the most part, MUCH better... and you jump.
Had I never heard of "Up & Adam" though... Whew. I mean it's obvious that what we knew when we broke up initially on February 6th was dead-on. Nothing has changed, in fact if you can believe it - it's gotten worse. Because all the excuses are gone. All the "grass will be greener when ____" has come to fruition. She has her SS#. She's legal, she has the freedom. Granted she could still have her own car... but then what? She never, ever, ever focuses on the real issues. I say it to her ad infinitum. Her whole life has been "when this happens...." and she gets there and is no better off than she was before. Never. Usually worse. She ignores the mirror. She ignores that the issues and unhappiness are INSIDE HER. And for fuck's sake she won't read this goddamn journey. This is specific shit I've dealt with, wrote about - and processed in my life. She is literally influenced to make life changes by fucking horoscopes but won't take advice from someone who already travelled some of the roads she's looking at! Constantly searching for something easy and magical outside, and never for the difficult and very real soul searching needed inside. Maddening. And I'm clearly done. Even her helpless sick routine of the past few days illicits nothing but what I would do to help a friend I cared about. Getting her medicine, or something she needs. After that I'm onto other things. Making myself busy. From these songs and entries - to finding a DAT player online so I can finish the CD101 section of the site. I need to completely engulf myself with this Journey and find me again.
And goddamnit that's what is so wonderful about this site. It's 100% me. I mean, can you believe the shit I've processed this year and been fine mentally? I mean good fuck. None of this shit has broken me in the least. From a divorce to a marriage to probably another one, to my career - out fucking RAGEOUS ups & downs? I've sailed through these puppies like no man. The whole time with easily the most unsupportive woman I've ever known. Well sometimes. When she's mean, she is MEAN. She belittles everything I do, everything I am - makes me feel like the biggest failure, like I've done nothing, fuckin' doesn't even "get" comedy at all, so I have to explain why anything I do is even decent. It's just, christ. How have I done it? Honestly, this website man. It has been a life saver. And these locked entries and songs... they are my therapy. I can be so open and honest and I don't feel crazy. I feel empowered. I look back on not only what I've accomplished but how much stronger I am. How I take any devastating embarrassment or egg on my face with almost a PRIDE. 3rd marriage collapse is art to me. And it is really. It's love. It's 100% love. I love Donna so much and I prove it daily with the patience I continue to show.
And there is a part of me folks that thinks she can get past it. As I said in that last song, she can beat these demons. And I will support her every step of the way providing she actually steps. If she finds a way out of dealing with this just as she stopped taking the pill, or as she tends to do whenever things get tough I will never be able to come back. And just because I know she can do it, doesn't mean it can be done. I've belived and re-believed in her over and over... to the point of numbness. That's what it is. I mentioned that to her and she seemed so shocked and upset. ?!?! I was blown away by that response. All I could say was: "What on EARTH would you expect?" She really has no ability to empathize. To even for a moment imagine what it must be like to not know who your wife is. It's the roll of a 6 sided die. It really is. And I'm not sure which is the one I fell in love with. And she has short term memory like a mofo. It's like this past week. HELLLLLLLO apology? Something? If I had treated her, the way she treated me the past few...fuck the past 2 months? Oh dear JESUS would I be killing myself to apologize daily. To communicate with her and find ways to show her I'm sorry. She just doesn't get it. My head certainly has no issue moving on, that's for sure. My heart still wants to believe.
Time will tell.
Here's a tale of Winnie & Ollie,
And the way that they changed my whole life,
Shot me straight past the trees, and then down to my knees,
And 80 days later a wife...
Weeks before I had told her it's over,
I loved her but could not go on,
We agreed on that day and went our seperate ways,
As hard as it was we were strong,
And then along came Winnie & Ollie,
Who gave me my own late night show,
Made me focus ahead, not go back on what's said,
It cemented my choice to let go...
So I studied for WInnie & Ollie,
And watched every damn show on TV,
I was ready no doubt, as she packed and moved out,
Though it killed us, I focused on me,
Then I was off to meet Winnie & Ollie,
And the harsh NY wind's all I found,
I sat dazed in that fridge, as they sold me a bridge,
And then watched it come tumblin' down,
I had never been so devastated,
It was all I could do just to be,
I needed a friend, and believed once again,
And the rest, is now history...
That's the story of Winnie & Ollie,
Take 'em out and where would I be now?
Then again if it wasn't them, it'd be somebody else,
That's the journey, that's my heart, and that's...wow.