(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
uploaded on 12.20.07 on Donna's
request (please read #704)
1:10 PM, Friday,
December 7th, 2007:
Well for story
purposes she was asleep when I got home, and has
proceeded to be completely out of it the past 3 days.
She stopped taking the pill as it was pretty obvious
her body was just not dealing well. I've tried to make
her comfortable although that first day was tough as
she never spoke a word to me. Doesn't seem to be
anger, just like she's drugged out. We talked last
night and I explained my position very simply: I'm
completely out of this, my heart is gone, passion
gone, belief in this ever working is gone - we're at a
point of no return. It's either medication or therapy
of some kind, but we are "friends" until some
pro-active steps are taken on her part. The wall of
anger subsided a bit (probably just a wall of haze but
it felt like anger) and she actually did cry. It felt
like a "yeah, I know you're right" kind of moment. Not
that she would ever say that - LOL. God love her.
I certainly do. For a moment she thought I meant
couples therapy and although I will certainly do
anything at this point - her own issues have to start
first. And I just put it out there in no
uncertain terms about her relationships with the
closest men in her life and how there's so much anger
(rightfully so) that makes our relationship impossible
with or without any chemical imbalance. Add the
chemicals and it's... well it's exactly what we have
here. It has to be addressed and would have to improve
so drastically that I'm jaw-droppingly shocked. Bottom
line is, we're technically married until October '09
for visa purposes and I need another relationship
like I need a fucking hole in my head. I'm also killer
with my right hand and my imagination is second to
none. I believe I will break my all-time record
since 15 of abstinence in the next few months. Anyway,
the next phase of this... the moment that will haunt
me for a looooooooong time:
Truth
be told I knew it as it was happening
but was in so much friggin' pain from the
bombshell in New York last March that I
couldn't bear the thought of not having
the one comforting thing in my life...her
arms. She had had this incredible
turnaround while I was in NY and although
it was the same pattern I had seen 20
times, it felt so good to believe again.
As I said then, when she is "on-board"
with us, we can conquer the
world.
But all this pain
is from something that incredibly wasn't even there
when we initially broke up. GOD. DAMNIT. That fact
destroys me. To break up with someone you're madly in
love with, takes an amount of confidence and
determination that I've had so few times in my life.
You have to be strong enough to remember how bad the
bad is, as opposed to being attracted to how good the
good can be. With Donna it was harder than anyone I've
ever known, because in no uncertain terms: there was
nothing to be unhappy about! Like, with Jessica -
I get it man. She was miserable away from her
family, in the years from 20-25 she was more and more
aware of how badly she wanted her own family back in
Ohio... this was some serious shit. Donna and
I were perfect. Our lives: perfect. We have
leisurely lives, could pursue our dreams, could help
each other - loved being with each other... she was in
the city she wanted to be her entire life... it all
works. Except for the fact that every other day, out
of the fucking blue she'd just go ape shit. About
nothing. You'd think you had a grasp on what
was wrong, talk about it - then it was something else.
So it was very, very difficult to let go. But I
DID IT. It was right. She had MOVED out. Found an
apartment, everything... done. So what happened again?
What changed?
The "Up &
Adam" news. On February 10th, 4 days after we
broke up I got the bombshell that the head of
latenight for CBS wanted to give me my own late night
show after Fergusen called "Up & Adam". It
still splits my cortex as I type the words. It rocked
my world and changed my entire life for a month. And
could hardly have come at a better time. It was that
last piece of confidence I needed to not fall
back in that comfort trap. I was on top of the
world and nothing could stop me. Like, it's easy to
avoid the jelly donut if you've already been working
out for 2 weeks straight. You know? Once you hit that
confidence level - it gets easier. Well this cemented
me. No doubt. Still loved Donna, but I was on the
right path, and we both knew that we were completely
destroying ourselves trying to stay in this
relationship. It could never work.
Then came the
meeting in New York and everything I was told was not
only completely miscommunicated, the head of late
night at CBS had absolutely zero power to do anything
he was saying and that lunch may have been the most
difficult I've ever tried to digest. It was
clear from what he was saying that nothing was
thought out, it was just a "hey! got an idea! up and
adam! it'll be brilliant! we'll get aerosmith on your
show! swear!" He actually said that. It was stomach
wrenching. I locked myself in my hotel room and sat in
the shower forever. I was just... just fucking
devastated. So numb. Had it not been for my father
coming the following day I'm quite certain it would've
gotten really bad in the choices
department.
At the same time
Donna was lonely and re-evaluating her
pro-independent, anti-relationship stance and realized
she really did love and miss me. She ended up picking
me up from the airport and I was just so goddamn happy
to hold someone who loved me... I just melted. I mean,
come on - look at this face:
That's the face of
the most happy and content little puppy dog in the
world. See those shoulders? I'm a little boy. I was
beaten to death and Donna was there. She was at her
best and I needed so badly to believe in something.
Now throw in the conveyor belt zipping us towards her
expiring visa in 2 1/2 months. A couple minor blow-ups
in between but for the most part, MUCH better... and
you jump.
Had I never heard
of "Up & Adam" though... Whew. I mean it's
obvious that what we knew when we broke up initially
on February 6th was dead-on. Nothing has changed, in
fact if you can believe it - it's gotten worse.
Because all the excuses are gone. All the "grass will
be greener when ____" has come to fruition. She has
her SS#. She's legal, she has the freedom. Granted she
could still have her own car... but then what? She
never, ever, ever focuses on the real issues. I say it
to her ad infinitum. Her whole life has been "when
this happens...." and she gets there and is no better
off than she was before. Never. Usually worse. She
ignores the mirror. She ignores that the issues and
unhappiness are INSIDE HER. And for fuck's sake
she won't read this goddamn journey. This is specific
shit I've dealt with, wrote about - and processed in
my life. She is literally influenced to make life
changes by fucking horoscopes but won't take advice
from someone who already travelled some of the roads
she's looking at! Constantly searching for something
easy and magical outside, and never for the difficult
and very real soul searching needed inside.
Maddening. And I'm clearly done. Even her helpless
sick routine of the past few days illicits nothing but
what I would do to help a friend I cared about.
Getting her medicine, or something she needs. After
that I'm onto other things. Making myself busy. From
these songs and entries - to finding a DAT player
online so I can finish the CD101 section of the
site. I need to completely engulf myself with this
Journey and find me again.
And goddamnit
that's what is so wonderful about this site. It's 100%
me. I mean, can you believe the shit I've
processed this year and been fine mentally? I mean
good fuck. None of this shit has broken me in
the least. From a divorce to a marriage to probably
another one, to my career - out fucking RAGEOUS ups
& downs? I've sailed through these puppies
like no man. The whole time with easily the most
unsupportive woman I've ever known. Well sometimes.
When she's mean, she is MEAN. She belittles everything
I do, everything I am - makes me feel like
the biggest failure, like I've done nothing, fuckin'
doesn't even "get" comedy at all, so I have to
explain why anything I do is even decent. It's
just, christ. How have I done it? Honestly, this
website man. It has been a life saver. And these
locked entries and songs... they are my
therapy. I can be so open and honest and
I don't feel crazy. I feel empowered. I look
back on not only what I've accomplished but how much
stronger I am. How I take any devastating
embarrassment or egg on my face with almost a PRIDE.
3rd marriage collapse is art to me. And it is really.
It's love. It's 100% love. I love Donna so much and I
prove it daily with the patience I continue to
show.
And there is a
part of me folks that thinks she can get past it. As I
said in that last song, she can beat these demons. And
I will support her every step of the way providing she
actually steps. If she finds a way out of dealing with
this just as she stopped taking the pill, or as she
tends to do whenever things get tough I will
never be able to come back. And just because
I know she can do it, doesn't mean it can be
done. I've belived and re-believed in her over and
over... to the point of numbness. That's what it is.
I mentioned that to her and she seemed so shocked
and upset. ?!?! I was blown away by that
response. All I could say was: "What on EARTH
would you expect?" She really has no ability to
empathize. To even for a moment imagine what it must
be like to not know who your wife is. It's the roll of
a 6 sided die. It really is. And I'm not sure which is
the one I fell in love with. And she has short
term memory like a mofo. It's like this past week.
HELLLLLLLO apology? Something? If I had treated her,
the way she treated me the past few...fuck the past 2
months? Oh dear JESUS would I be killing myself
to apologize daily. To communicate with her and find
ways to show her I'm sorry. She just doesn't get it.
My head certainly has no issue moving on, that's for
sure. My heart still wants to believe.
Time will tell.
Adam
Here's a
tale of Winnie & Ollie,
And the way
that they changed my whole life,
Shot me
straight past the trees, and then down to my
knees,
And 80 days
later a wife...
Weeks before
I had told her it's over,
I loved her
but could not go on,
We agreed on
that day and went our seperate
ways,
As hard as
it was we were strong,
And then
along came Winnie & Ollie,
Who gave me
my own late night show,
Made me
focus ahead, not go back on what's
said,
It cemented
my choice to let go...
So I studied
for WInnie & Ollie,
And watched
every damn show on TV,
I was ready
no doubt, as she packed and moved
out,
Though it
killed us, I focused on me,
Then I was
off to meet Winnie & Ollie,
And the
harsh NY wind's all I found,
I sat dazed
in that fridge, as they sold me a
bridge,
And then
watched it come tumblin' down,
I had never
been so devastated,
It was all I
could do just to be,
I needed a
friend, and believed once again,
And the
rest, is now history...
That's the
story of Winnie & Ollie,
Take 'em out
and where would I be now?
Then again
if it wasn't them, it'd be somebody
else,
That's the
journey, that's my heart, and
that's...wow.
