I've thought about
how to start this entry for awhile now, and
I think this sums it up best:
I
wrote this song on Tuesday. On Wednesday,
we decided once and for all to call it
quits, were back together by Thursday,
completely called it off on Friday (she
had a craigslist ad up for places to live
and had moved out of our room) and today
we are back on again. We are not 12 years
old, we do not enjoy this process, we are
both completely miserable, exhausted,
exasperated, embarrassed and feel so
schizophrenic we can barely
function...
...but
we won't let go.
So
what, the, hell, is going on
already?
God I wish
I knew. God I wish I could just sit here and
say: this is what the problem is... but honestly, we
have no idea. I can speak for me and tell you
what I do know:
There are times
with this woman that are so perfect I can't believe
how lucky I am. It is so much more than some
checklist of needs, our potential as two human beings
is so great at times I am literally giddy with
what we could accomplish. It is deeper than
I ever knew possible and as I mentioned in
the early entries about us, we speak for hours on end.
I am just so in love with Donna, the sky is the limit.
The catch? The big catch? Since the moment
I met her, she has been fighting her own idea of
who she's been for 28 years. Who she was, will never
co-exist with who I am and it's been a constant
roller coaster. Everyone knows you can't change for
anyone, nor can you make anyone change for you... but
when you meet someone who has made a persona out of an
environment that has hurt her and suppressed her
creativity, it's clear she's ready to change...for
her. It's clear that she does want to be loved,
and wants to flourish and that this persona is a
series of defense mechanisms that are
now...outdated.
...but we won't
let go.
My part in all
this is trying to be understanding of someone else's
process and differentiate between what is a "normal"
action, and an action of someone trying desperately to
hang on to someone she was. Of course truly changing
is easier said than done. Even at this moment, I am
not 100% sure it's even possible for her. And
unfortunately, it's not something we can ignore. As
I'm sure you all can imagine, if I'm to be in a
committed relationship - I need an incredibly
open, communicative, and "partnership" minded person
or it will never happen. I won't do a
"business" marriage. I won't lead 2 seperate
lives and then come together at 6 PM have dinner and
watch TV. I know myself well enough to know that would
never work. I need someone who depends on my
support as I will indeed be depending on their
support. She seems at her CORE to be so scared of
abandonment that she can't ever fully depend on
me...
...but we won't
let go.
But look at this
from her shoes. In essence it's all on her. She either
changes or that's it. What a shitty place to be! But
it's just so hard to compromise these points. If the
issues are communication and thinking of us as a
"team" and not 2 individuals... where would the
compromise be? Kind of communicating and being 1 1/2
people? You just can't compromise communication and
being open. You either are or aren't. So the situation
really isn't equal. It has allowed me to work on my
own weakness which has alwaysbeen patience.
Giving her every opportunity to succeed, helping her
any way I can think of to allow her to grow...
it's all I can do. And now? I'm pretty beat. It's
been 4 months of hell and I get frustrated
extremely easy now. But I'm trying my damndest to
forget the past and live from this moment on.
My brain however has a wicked trait of seeing
"patterns" and it makes this almost impossible. When
she falls back into the "stubbornly single" mode, if
even for a moment, I tend to throw my hands up.
It's a viscious cycle, and it started the MOMENT we
met, and has continued this way for 16
weeks....
...but we won't
let go.
It's gotten to the
point now where it's almost other worldly to me. Like
there must be some sort of cosmic "Groundhog's Day"
lesson I have to learn and it won't be over until
I get it right. I just look in her eyes, and
feel her presence and just know that we can do
this. However I'm ignoring every piece of experience
I've gained in my 31 years on this
planet...
...but we won't
let go.
Take a gander at
what I wrote a few days ago when this was
"over".
We just
can't communicate. For whatever reason, different
countries, different beliefs, different
processes... when it comes down to it at the end of
the day - we somehow elicit such negative reactions
from each other it is to the detriment of both of
us. The thing is, we can't figure it out. Because
when we don't do that...I swear to you all,
I have never been happier. I have never felt
so universally fulfilled with every goal I ever
hoped to attain in life. Hell, the best "us" as a
couple is so powerful and inspiring I could forsee
us changing the goddamn world on some levels. I've
never felt it like this before, and am still
shaking my head at the fact that the tiniest bumps
in the road seem to be RAMPS to oblivion. At this
point though, it doesn't matter. The cold hard
truth is, we haven't spent one full week together,
happy, ever. Not in New York, not in Columbus, not
in LA... we pull off a few days and then are ready
to never see each other again. What she thinks is a
great challenge, I think of as the most stressful,
over-dramatic, obviously not-working, situation
I've ever been in. I can't take it.
And I write
this entry with the very real expectation that
that previous paragraph may be the truth and
that this is actually the fluke. I really
don't know. And as a guy so intent on keeping his
word, this pains me to no end. It embarrasses me to
write about it, it sickens me to go through it, I'm
barely able to enjoy the success of CBS and am
so afraid that I'll never have the chance to truly be
happy if I continue to bang my head against this
wall...
...but we won't
let go.
And that honestly
means something. The fact that we really are fighting
against all odds does mean something. We're not
stupid. We know what this looks like. We know this
seems like some stupid over-dramatic affair that we
must somehow enjoy or we wouldn't do it... but
that's just not true. I hate this more than words can
say and want it to end SO BADLY. But I really
still believe in her. I love her so much and we've
both worked so hard at being more patient, more
accepting, more understanding and there is light at
the end of the tunnel.
Now for both of
our sakes, I pray we are decided one way or
another...very soon. This has to end. It just has to.
We simply cannot continue to do this for much longer
without really damaging our ability to ever be patient
or happy with someone else. It has been
baaaaad. But I still
believe...
I love you so
much honey. I believe in you.
Adam
Enjoy the
spooky
video. If
you'd like to see the pics as they were shot, check
out my
birthday
entry
last year.
Great video back then too...
