(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
YouTube link added 12.22.07
1:46 PM, Sunday, January 14th, 2007:
I've thought about how to start this entry for awhile now, and I think this sums it up best:
I wrote this song on Tuesday. On Wednesday, we decided once and for all to call it quits, were back together by Thursday, completely called it off on Friday (she had a craigslist ad up for places to live and had moved out of our room) and today we are back on again. We are not 12 years old, we do not enjoy this process, we are both completely miserable, exhausted, exasperated, embarrassed and feel so schizophrenic we can barely function...
...but we won't let go.
So what, the, hell, is going on already?
God I wish I knew. God I wish I could just sit here and say: this is what the problem is... but honestly, we have no idea. I can speak for me and tell you what I do know:
There are times with this woman that are so perfect I can't believe how lucky I am. It is so much more than some checklist of needs, our potential as two human beings is so great at times I am literally giddy with what we could accomplish. It is deeper than I ever knew possible and as I mentioned in the early entries about us, we speak for hours on end. I am just so in love with Donna, the sky is the limit. The catch? The big catch? Since the moment I met her, she has been fighting her own idea of who she's been for 28 years. Who she was, will never co-exist with who I am and it's been a constant roller coaster. Everyone knows you can't change for anyone, nor can you make anyone change for you... but when you meet someone who has made a persona out of an environment that has hurt her and suppressed her creativity, it's clear she's ready to change...for her. It's clear that she does want to be loved, and wants to flourish and that this persona is a series of defense mechanisms that are now...outdated.
...but we won't let go.
My part in all this is trying to be understanding of someone else's process and differentiate between what is a "normal" action, and an action of someone trying desperately to hang on to someone she was. Of course truly changing is easier said than done. Even at this moment, I am not 100% sure it's even possible for her. And unfortunately, it's not something we can ignore. As I'm sure you all can imagine, if I'm to be in a committed relationship - I need an incredibly open, communicative, and "partnership" minded person or it will never happen. I won't do a "business" marriage. I won't lead 2 seperate lives and then come together at 6 PM have dinner and watch TV. I know myself well enough to know that would never work. I need someone who depends on my support as I will indeed be depending on their support. She seems at her CORE to be so scared of abandonment that she can't ever fully depend on me...
...but we won't let go.
But look at this from her shoes. In essence it's all on her. She either changes or that's it. What a shitty place to be! But it's just so hard to compromise these points. If the issues are communication and thinking of us as a "team" and not 2 individuals... where would the compromise be? Kind of communicating and being 1 1/2 people? You just can't compromise communication and being open. You either are or aren't. So the situation really isn't equal. It has allowed me to work on my own weakness which has alwaysbeen patience. Giving her every opportunity to succeed, helping her any way I can think of to allow her to grow... it's all I can do. And now? I'm pretty beat. It's been 4 months of hell and I get frustrated extremely easy now. But I'm trying my damndest to forget the past and live from this moment on. My brain however has a wicked trait of seeing "patterns" and it makes this almost impossible. When she falls back into the "stubbornly single" mode, if even for a moment, I tend to throw my hands up. It's a viscious cycle, and it started the MOMENT we met, and has continued this way for 16 weeks....
...but we won't let go.
It's gotten to the point now where it's almost other worldly to me. Like there must be some sort of cosmic "Groundhog's Day" lesson I have to learn and it won't be over until I get it right. I just look in her eyes, and feel her presence and just know that we can do this. However I'm ignoring every piece of experience I've gained in my 31 years on this planet...
...but we won't let go.
Take a gander at what I wrote a few days ago when this was "over".
We just can't communicate. For whatever reason, different countries, different beliefs, different processes... when it comes down to it at the end of the day - we somehow elicit such negative reactions from each other it is to the detriment of both of us. The thing is, we can't figure it out. Because when we don't do that...I swear to you all, I have never been happier. I have never felt so universally fulfilled with every goal I ever hoped to attain in life. Hell, the best "us" as a couple is so powerful and inspiring I could forsee us changing the goddamn world on some levels. I've never felt it like this before, and am still shaking my head at the fact that the tiniest bumps in the road seem to be RAMPS to oblivion. At this point though, it doesn't matter. The cold hard truth is, we haven't spent one full week together, happy, ever. Not in New York, not in Columbus, not in LA... we pull off a few days and then are ready to never see each other again. What she thinks is a great challenge, I think of as the most stressful, over-dramatic, obviously not-working, situation I've ever been in. I can't take it.
And I write this entry with the very real expectation that that previous paragraph may be the truth and that this is actually the fluke. I really don't know. And as a guy so intent on keeping his word, this pains me to no end. It embarrasses me to write about it, it sickens me to go through it, I'm barely able to enjoy the success of CBS and am so afraid that I'll never have the chance to truly be happy if I continue to bang my head against this wall...
...but we won't let go.
And that honestly means something. The fact that we really are fighting against all odds does mean something. We're not stupid. We know what this looks like. We know this seems like some stupid over-dramatic affair that we must somehow enjoy or we wouldn't do it... but that's just not true. I hate this more than words can say and want it to end SO BADLY. But I really still believe in her. I love her so much and we've both worked so hard at being more patient, more accepting, more understanding and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Now for both of our sakes, I pray we are decided one way or another...very soon. This has to end. It just has to. We simply cannot continue to do this for much longer without really damaging our ability to ever be patient or happy with someone else. It has been baaaaad. But I still believe...
I love you so much honey. I believe in you.
Enjoy the spooky video. If you'd like to see the pics as they were shot, check out my birthday entry last year. Great video back then too...
in a daze we write,
it's a maze of fright,
what do we have to show?
such a crazy sight,
all the ways we fight,
we plant the seeds we sew...but
we won't let go,
we won't let go...
but it's so much pain,
to make any gain,
i'm starting to unwind...
it's a tired game,
it's a backed, up, drain,
i cannot find my mind...but
we won't let go,
we won't let go...
i believe, yes I believe,
in you again,
hard to see, yes so hard to see,
the where and when...but
we won't let go,
we won't let go...
so we face the night,
as we faux indict,
every word we say...
are we just so bright,
that we must ignite,
every other day...but
we won't let go,
we won't let go...