12:30 PM, Saturday, September 19th, 2009:
When you jump at nearly every single opportunity, you have very few "what-ifs". When you see every relationship through to the very end without ever prematurely pulling the plug? You have very few "what-ifs". It's the way I've always lived my life. I have scars because of it, but I have a pretty peaceful mind to go along with those scars because, well, I never sit and wonder "what-if". I know. I saw everything through until there was nothing there. Took every possible avenue, tried every possible scenario. As I mentioned last month, that pattern has been broken. A relationship situation that any other Adam would've jumped head first into... I backed off. Now I have backed off before, but not with someone who is so clearly a match. Someone whose patience and support has been unyielding and who, as I described in the entry last month (Entry #950 - Breaking the Pattern), is special. I trust her wholeheartedly. I have no doubt in my mind that she knows me and cares for me completely. She's already had to deal with some pretty intense moments in regards to our relationship and has her own scars just from that. I however don't believe in "Relationship Adam" at all right now, and she understands that...
...so she met someone else and posted a pic of the two of them on Facebook looking oh so happy. Heh.
My first thought? Well played Ms. Johnson. Well played. That's an arrogant response of course, because she actually does have feelings for the guy - and leave it to "Mr. Self-Centered" to think it was just a message to me. But I'm trying to be honest here no matter how bad I look. That was my first thought. And I actually was happy for her. I like watching people reach their potential. Love it actually. I can judge that completely unbiasedly and always have been able to. I put aside my own kick to the stomach immediately and continued the line of thought: "Well played. You find what you need, and don't be afraid to show it." I was proud of her. Truth be told, she's one of the most attractive humans I've ever known. She makes everyone around her smile, and she can have nearly anything she wants. If she wants an exclusive relationship? She will get that, and get that quickly. And when I step outside of my role in all of this? I'm so envious of how clear her road is! What I wouldn't give to feel that clean slate. There's no divorce scars. She's 24! She's one of the more well-rounded 24 year olds I've ever met. She's ready to find someone special. She wants a family, she already has a career and is working on her masters now... she defines "catch" and still believes in that perfect someone special to share her life with. My first instinct is to run from her as fast as possible so as to not taint such a precious mindset! Don't talk to 2009 Adam! Run! Stay away from the jaded man with the checkered past!
Yet she isn't running. She's taken the time to understand every aspect of my life, and be loving in spite of all of it. And although she's not running, she sure is walking briskly towards others who are much more open to a relationship. She will find that very, very quickly. And because of that, I have this tiny little guy inside of me that is going apeshit right now. Because he thinks in a couple years when she is happily married, I will stumble back upon Entry #957 and say those two dreaded words: what if.
Around the time of my split with Jessica, I realized that you get to an age where you can't avoid the what-if, you just pick the lesser of two evils. 'Cause I technically still have the "What-if I stayed with Jess?" if I choose to ponder that road. But we both kinda knew that outcome as being unhappy in the long-term and made our choice accordingly. This however feels like a real what-if. And if a picture on Facebook made me wince, the next couple of months are going to hurt. And though I could stop that now if I thought it was the right thing to do, in a couple of weeks/months? I will only be able to watch from the sidelines.
This scenario has been playing in my head with the theme to "Mad Men" in the background. A show we've both watched and loved together. I'm grateful she helped me re-enact the vision for the video...
It's very strange for me to have other people in these videos. This is exactly the way I envisioned it (my mind just starts to "think" in short Journey videos after all this time) but I don't like to imply that this situation is "just a story". These are real feelings, real struggles, real tears, but I'm just so used to taking all that reality and making it cinematic. However, I'm always hyper-concerned that the videos somehow "make light" of how personal these moments are and I just want to reiterate that this isn't all some guise for dramatic storylines. I really am just reporting my life and trying to be as honest as possible about it. It's just happens to be second-nature for me to do the "art" side of it after doing it for so long.
I hope I've made the right decision. I hope the "future wince" will have a nice helping of logic behind it. I can't be in a relationship right now, and if it's her time to be in one? Nothing can change that. I do not want her to put her life on hold for me, and part of me will be so happy if she finds happiness as I know our time together has been remarkably stressful...
...the other part of me will want to light his adorable matching #17 Buckeye Jersey on fire just to see if it will make it to his beard before he notices the smoke.