When you jump at
nearly every single opportunity, you have very few
"what-ifs". When you see every relationship through to
the very end without ever prematurely pulling the
plug? You have very few "what-ifs". It's the way I've
always lived my life. I have scars because of it, but
I have a pretty peaceful mind to go along with those
scars because, well, I never sit and wonder "what-if".
I know. I saw everything through until there was
nothing there. Took every possible avenue, tried every
possible scenario. As I mentioned last month, that
pattern has been broken. A relationship situation that
any other Adam would've jumped head first into... I
backed off. Now I have backed off before, but not with
someone who is so clearly a match. Someone whose
patience and support has been unyielding and who, as
I described in the entry last month
(Entry
#950 - Breaking the
Pattern),
is special. I trust her wholeheartedly. I have no
doubt in my mind that she knows me and cares for me
completely. She's already had to deal with some pretty
intense moments in regards to our relationship and has
her own scars just from that. I however don't
believe in "Relationship Adam" at all right now, and
she understands that...
...so she met
someone else and posted a pic of the two of them on
Facebook looking oh so happy. Heh.
My first thought?
Well played Ms. Johnson. Well played. That's an
arrogant response of course, because she actually does
have feelings for the guy - and leave it to "Mr.
Self-Centered" to think it was just a message to me.
But I'm trying to be honest here no matter how bad I
look. That was my first thought. And I actually was
happy for her. I like watching people reach their
potential. Love it actually. I can judge that
completely unbiasedly and always have been able to. I
put aside my own kick to the stomach immediately and
continued the line of thought: "Well played. You find
what you need, and don't be afraid to show it." I was
proud of her. Truth be told, she's one of the most
attractive humans I've ever known. She makes everyone
around her smile, and she can have nearly anything she
wants. If she wants an exclusive relationship? She
will get that, and get that quickly. And when I step
outside of my role in all of this? I'm so envious of
how clear her road is! What I wouldn't give to feel
that clean slate. There's no divorce scars. She's 24!
She's one of the more well-rounded 24 year olds I've
ever met. She's ready to find someone special. She
wants a family, she already has a career and is
working on her masters now... she defines
"catch" and still believes in that perfect someone
special to share her life with. My first instinct is
to run from her as fast as possible so as to not taint
such a precious mindset! Don't talk to 2009 Adam! Run!
Stay away from the jaded man with the checkered past!
Yet she isn't
running. She's taken the time to understand every
aspect of my life, and be loving in spite of all of
it. And although she's not running, she sure is
walking briskly towards others who are much more open
to a relationship. She will find that very, very
quickly. And because of that, I have this tiny little
guy inside of me that is going apeshit right now.
Because he thinks in a couple years when she is
happily married, I will stumble back upon Entry
#957 and say those two dreaded words: what
if.
Around the time of
my split with Jessica, I realized that you get to an
age where you can't avoid the what-if, you just pick
the lesser of two evils. 'Cause I technically still
have the "What-if I stayed with Jess?" if I choose to
ponder that road. But we both kinda knew that outcome
as being unhappy in the long-term and made our choice
accordingly. This however feels like a real
what-if. And if a picture on Facebook made me wince,
the next couple of months are going to hurt. And
though I could stop that now if I thought it was the
right thing to do, in a couple of weeks/months? I will
only be able to watch from the sidelines.
This scenario has
been playing in my head with the theme to
"Mad Men" in the background. A show we've
both watched and loved together. I'm grateful she
helped me re-enact the vision for the
video...
It's very strange
for me to have other people in these videos. This is
exactly the way I envisioned it (my mind just starts
to "think" in short Journey videos after all this
time) but I don't like to imply that this situation is
"just a story". These are real feelings, real
struggles, real tears, but I'm just so used to taking
all that reality and making it cinematic. However, I'm
always hyper-concerned that the videos somehow "make
light" of how personal these moments are and I just
want to reiterate that this isn't all some guise for
dramatic storylines. I really am just reporting my
life and trying to be as honest as possible about it.
It's just happens to be second-nature for me to do the
"art" side of it after doing it for so
long.
I hope I've made
the right decision. I hope the "future
wince" will have a nice helping of logic behind
it. I can't be in a relationship right now, and if
it's her time to be in one? Nothing can change that. I
do not want her to put her life on hold for me,
and part of me will be so happy if she finds happiness
as I know our time together has been remarkably
stressful...
...the other part
of me will want to light his adorable matching
#17 Buckeye Jersey on fire just to see if it will
make it to his beard before he notices the smoke.
