11:20 PM, Sunday, August 30th, 2009:
Most fascinating month of my life. Sure there are more exciting and glitzy periods, but I cannot remember a time when it was more clear that I am a changed man. The choices within August 2009 are far removed from the boy in January 2000, and the toll this Journey has taken on me is clear. My priorities are obvious, they are self-centered, and they can't be budged.
When Donna left in May 2008, I knew the "Adam Pattern" and figured I'd have a year of decompressing and by the following summer I would be itching to be in another relationship. I enjoy relationships. Contrary to the record, I'm really good at them - and some of my best attributes come out in relationships. It's why I remain friends with nearly everyone I've ever seen romantically.
As I predicted, someone emerged that fit the pattern perfectly. It wasn't a super-fast connection (which is a good thing for me), it was nearly a year in the making, culminating with her moving to California earlier this month for a job and graduate school. I've known of the move all year (it was in the works before we even met) - and each conversation (and visits in between) during this year further cemented the relationship. It felt right, felt responsible, felt like everything I could ever want in a relationship. A peaceful feeling of floating downstream without a hint of an issue...
...in the meantime however, I've found happiness alone. Happiness in relationships that are quasi-romantic, but based in a friendship that (gasp) won't abandon me. There's no expectations, so there's nothing for them to run from. And being single is... fun. This line will blow your fucking minds: this is the longest I have been without at least a steady girlfriend since I was in the 5TH GRADE and Katie Frye wouldn't "go with me". I have been a serial monogamist my entire life because it was the right thing to do... and I have the scars to prove it.
However, this woman is special. You just know sometimes, and every moment spent with her - made it more clear. This isn't a "friend", this is more. I struggled with it immensely during my trip overseas in June. Not because I had promised her anything, I hadn't, but because that trip was the epitome of being single. And (sigh), I'm about to put a video up that makes my fucking skin crawl. Believe it or not, my "dating" life is pretty private (unless I marry them) and it's hard for me to share it because goddamnit - if I want to pick someone up and go back to their place because it's fun - I should have every right to do that privately. But now I'm avoiding a character trait because it might make me look bad, and that's the antithesis of "The Journey". Needless to say, there could easily be "the other Journey" as it pertains to that section of my private life - but it's very predictable and barely plays into who I am as a person - or what has "changed" me during this struggle to make it. This video however, is such an incredible moment in time where it's so clear how much I'm struggling with my identity as Single/Married Adam - it feels like lying NOT to share it:
Naked (what else is new Adam?) in some woman's apartment in London... thinking of the choice that will confront me in a matter of weeks when the woman I care about gets to California. I show this video because it really is a "moment". And at the moment what am I thinking of? The wonderful, supportive, relationship that I can have in a matter of weeks. What am I gonna do? Is this the life I want? Do I see a reason to try again? The scene itself is completely unsatisfactory to me... though it was fun to see if I could pull it off in another country. Guys just think that way. Ooooooh I'm attractive to a woman in England? Cool. I wonder if that would work in China?! Istanbul?!?! It's the epitome of what you can't do in a relationship. Well, if you have any integrity at all, what you can't do in a relationship.
Domestically however, this scene is not the norm. This isn't what I feel like I'd be giving up if I were to be in a relationship. It really isn't about that. At my most direct, "look-in-the-mirror" moments alone, I simply have no urge anymore to find an exclusive relationship. I am a bit damaged in that respect. But there's a lot of us out there. You know? You get to your mid-thirties and realize life just didn't pan out the way you dreamt of it in your twenties. You're tired of believing in the hallmark card - even if you know it exists - and you'd rather just enjoy the moments of happiness that you know will be temporary. At least you won't be disappointed. "Live this Life for Now". I know so, so, so many people with that attitude and we can sit around with a bottle of wine, laugh at the audacity of it all - and share our lives with each other... if only for a few moments. We're all flawed, we're all issue-ridden, we all have our own day-to-day lives we're trying to get through and in turn we have zero expectations of the other person. That changes the moment you become exclusive...
...and it is painfully difficult to explain to someone in their mid-twenties when the dreamer is (and absolutely should be) still alive. It has broken my heart to have these conversations with her. She is so special, so precious and deserves a "mid-twenties" Adam. How spectacular that would be! He's gone. I don't mean, it'll take some time... it "took some time" after Jess. After marriage #3 and the way I was treated (breaking all previous records for inconsiderate mate)? I just don't care. There is no positive to me anymore. A relationship no matter how smooth? Involves compromise and work and... ugh - why? I'm happy. I'm not wanting for ANYTHING. And with the idea of "kids" falling to the waistside the past couple years as my career has gotten hotter? Whew. This isn't gonna change anytime soon. I don't want the responsibility of a relationship. I don't want to put any energy into anything accept my career and I absolutely will not "use" someone for the "perks" of a relationship when my heart isn't into it.
This is a sea change for me. This isn't the Adam Kontras I've ever known. I loved relationships more than anything in the world. That teammate mentality. Helping each other through everything - being there for the other person, being the rock, being supportive... absolutely the foundation of who I was. Nearing 2 years since I've been in that position? Don't miss it, don't want it. I mean, I can be all those things... sporadically. I am a good listener, I do care deeply about my friends. I'm still totally in touch with that side - but at the end of the day? I love being alone. I feel like the luckiest person on the planet.
Could this month stand out anymore... chriiiiiiiiiiist. I look different, I feel different, my loyalties are different, my priorities are different. It's the natural progression with all I've been through, but it all hit me this month. The biggest hug and kiss to the woman this entry is about. Please don't ever for a second stop believing in that "one special person" just because a bunch of us jaded, divorced mofos have stopped caring about it. There's no reason you can't have exactly what you want. It kills me that 90s Adam would've flown you to the other side of the world and proposed to you and given his nervous system to you in the most romantic way you can imagine. It kills me. You've seen pieces of him, you've read about him... and you also know exactly why he no longer exists. Hell even earlier this year, I believed it was possible - but I don't anymore. Hell, girl if you and all you can offer can't make me jump? No one can. Not now. Even years from now...
...and strangely, it isn't even sad to me. It's the biggest relief in the world. It means "The Journey" continues unobstructed for the forseeable future. My "road ahead" has never been more clear in my life.