Most fascinating
month of my life. Sure there are more exciting and
glitzy periods, but I cannot remember a time when it
was more clear that I am a changed man. The choices
within August 2009 are far removed from the boy in
January 2000, and the toll this Journey has taken on
me is clear. My priorities are obvious, they are
self-centered, and they can't be budged.
When Donna left in
May 2008, I knew the "Adam Pattern" and figured I'd
have a year of decompressing and by the following
summer I would be itching to be in another
relationship. I enjoy relationships. Contrary to the
record, I'm really good at them - and some of my best
attributes come out in relationships. It's why I
remain friends with nearly everyone I've ever seen
romantically.
As I predicted,
someone emerged that fit the pattern perfectly. It
wasn't a super-fast connection (which is a good thing
for me), it was nearly a year in the making,
culminating with her moving to California earlier this
month for a job and graduate school. I've known of the
move all year (it was in the works before we even met)
- and each conversation (and visits in between) during
this year further cemented the relationship. It felt
right, felt responsible, felt like everything I could
ever want in a relationship. A peaceful feeling of
floating downstream without a hint of an
issue...
...in the meantime
however, I've found happiness alone. Happiness in
relationships that are quasi-romantic, but based in a
friendship that (gasp) won't abandon me. There's no
expectations, so there's nothing for them to run from.
And being single is... fun. This line will blow your
fucking minds: this is the longest I have been without
at least a steady girlfriend since I was in the
5TH GRADE and Katie Frye wouldn't "go with me". I
have been a serial monogamist my entire life because
it was the right thing to do... and I have the scars
to prove it.
However, this
woman is special. You just know sometimes, and every
moment spent with her - made it more clear. This isn't
a "friend", this is more. I struggled with it
immensely during my trip overseas in June. Not because
I had promised her anything, I hadn't, but because
that trip was the epitome of being single. And (sigh),
I'm about to put a video up that makes my fucking skin
crawl. Believe it or not, my "dating" life is pretty
private (unless I marry them) and it's hard for me to
share it because goddamnit - if I want to pick someone
up and go back to their place because it's fun - I
should have every right to do that privately. But now
I'm avoiding a character trait because it might make
me look bad, and that's the antithesis of "The
Journey". Needless to say, there could easily be "the
other Journey" as it pertains to that
section of my private life - but it's very predictable
and barely plays into who I am as a person - or what
has "changed" me during this struggle to make it. This
video however, is such an incredible moment in time
where it's so clear how much I'm struggling with my
identity as Single/Married Adam - it feels like lying
NOT to share it:
Naked (what else
is new Adam?) in some woman's apartment in London...
thinking of the choice that will confront me in a
matter of weeks when the woman I care about gets to
California. I show this video because it really is a
"moment". And at the moment what am I thinking of? The
wonderful, supportive, relationship that I can
have in a matter of weeks. What am I gonna do? Is this
the life I want? Do I see a reason to try again?
The scene itself is completely unsatisfactory to me...
though it was fun to see if I could pull it off in
another country. Guys just think that way. Ooooooh I'm
attractive to a woman in England? Cool. I wonder if
that would work in China?! Istanbul?!?! It's the
epitome of what you can't do in a relationship. Well,
if you have any integrity at all, what you can't do in
a relationship.
Domestically
however, this scene is not the norm. This isn't what I
feel like I'd be giving up if I were to be in a
relationship. It really isn't about that. At my most
direct, "look-in-the-mirror" moments alone, I simply
have no urge anymore to find an exclusive
relationship. I am a bit damaged in that respect. But
there's a lot of us out there. You know? You get to
your mid-thirties and realize life just didn't pan out
the way you dreamt of it in your twenties. You're
tired of believing in the hallmark card - even if you
know it exists - and you'd rather just enjoy the
moments of happiness that you know will be temporary.
At least you won't be disappointed. "Live this Life
for Now". I know so, so, so many people with that
attitude and we can sit around with a bottle of wine,
laugh at the audacity of it all - and share our lives
with each other... if only for a few moments. We're
all flawed, we're all issue-ridden, we all have our
own day-to-day lives we're trying to get through and
in turn we have zero expectations of the other person.
That changes the moment you become
exclusive...
...and it is
painfully difficult to explain to someone in their
mid-twenties when the dreamer is (and absolutely
should be) still alive. It has broken my heart to have
these conversations with her. She is so special, so
precious and deserves a "mid-twenties" Adam. How
spectacular that would be! He's gone. I don't mean,
it'll take some time... it "took some time" after
Jess. After marriage #3 and the way I was treated
(breaking all previous records for inconsiderate
mate)? I just don't care. There is no positive to me
anymore. A relationship no matter how smooth? Involves
compromise and work and... ugh - why? I'm happy. I'm
not wanting for ANYTHING. And with the idea of "kids"
falling to the waistside the past couple years as my
career has gotten hotter? Whew. This isn't gonna
change anytime soon. I don't want the responsibility
of a relationship. I don't want to put any energy
into anything accept my career and I absolutely will
not "use" someone for the "perks" of a
relationship when my heart isn't into it.
This is a sea
change for me. This isn't the Adam Kontras I've ever
known. I loved relationships more than anything in the
world. That teammate mentality. Helping each other
through everything - being there for the other person,
being the rock, being supportive... absolutely the
foundation of who I was. Nearing 2 years since
I've been in that position? Don't miss it, don't want
it. I mean, I can be all those things... sporadically.
I am a good listener, I do care deeply about my
friends. I'm still totally in touch with that side -
but at the end of the day? I love being alone. I feel
like the luckiest person on the planet.
Could this month
stand out anymore... chriiiiiiiiiiist. I look
different, I feel different, my loyalties are
different, my priorities are different. It's the
natural progression with all I've been through, but it
all hit me this month. The biggest hug and kiss to the
woman this entry is about. Please don't ever for a
second stop believing in that "one special person"
just because a bunch of us jaded, divorced mofos have
stopped caring about it. There's no reason you can't
have exactly what you want. It kills me that 90s Adam
would've flown you to the other side of the world and
proposed to you and given his nervous system to you in
the most romantic way you can imagine. It kills me.
You've seen pieces of him, you've read about him...
and you also know exactly why he no longer exists.
Hell even earlier this year, I believed it was
possible - but I don't anymore. Hell, girl if you
and all you can offer can't make me jump? No one can.
Not now. Even years from now...
...and strangely,
it isn't even sad to me. It's the biggest relief in
the world. It means "The Journey" continues
unobstructed for the forseeable future. My "road
ahead" has never been more clear in my
life.