Entry #2050
1:14 PM - July 13th, 2020
Going from 50 to 49 was almost comical. It was a comically long time. But now? I guess I should explain...
I dreamt my death date as July 13th, 2057 as a kid and it never left me. <shrugs> I don't know how to explain it or what to make of it, but I did. I will not be committing suicide on that date if I'm still alive however, I'll just call The Journey "overtime". ;-)
So what seems like "a few years ago" but is, in fact, a dozen - I wrote "Down to 49." I was dealing with what would be a third divorce (though they were all annulments) and trying to tell myself that in 50 years I won't remember how awful and tragic it all was... I'll remember that I was romantic and believed with my heart WELL PAST MY BRAIN. And that will actually be comforting in the future. I'll like that dude who tried so hard.
12 years late I can absolutely say I was right! That's my spirit. I was honest and self-aware of how crazy it was but I tried. I tried and failed, but I tried. More than most. It's a good song...
It plays a little different when the number is 37. Saying 50 years left when you're 31 sounds great! So much!
Saying 37 years left when you're 44... oh. Uhm. I know what 37 years feels like. Granted. my memory of 1982 is a bit hazy... but I remember it. I remember watching ET. It wasn't THAAAAAAAAT long ago.
Fuck. That means I only have 3 new decades left? 30s, 40s and 50s? Wait, what? How the shit?
Yeah. So... that sucks. Uhm. LOL. I mean, I did a half-time entry four years ago:
Yeah, I was skinny. So I was happy. I think that describes this entry. I have to get my shit together. I am 65 pounds overweight. What the fuck. Fuck this quarantine.