12:12 PM, Thursday, January 17th, 2019:
It's really messin' with my head just how busy the last 12 months have been for RentTheDelorean. And we've NEVER had a back to back road-trip like this before...
Listen, I know this screams first world problems and I got into this last year with this entry:
The difference between then and now is that I actually did figure out the stalling/starting issue as I mentioned in this entry's video...
...but I still feel the sense of dread and "completely fucking over it" when it comes to this car and this job. We've now done 380 gigs? I mean... 380, 480, 580... what does it matter? I STILL cannot spend this money for fear the car explodes again, or the business just stops and I will need a safety net so as it was before: being successful with this business doesn't improve my life. It takes me away from my life.
Talya being with me helped A BUNCH and next month we're doing it with the kids (which should be interesting) but the real story is I'm just soft now. Or maybe? Maybe it's that I'm never truly "off". I take a week off and I'm still answering the calls and often losing HUGE gigs because I'm out of town. I could just turn my head and ignore the money, but whew... it feels like it's all a paper mansion about to be set ablaze.
I know I shouldn't even write this but if and when the car blows up again and I have to call it a day? I'll be relieved. That's strangely what I dream of sometimes. As long as it's working, it's my responsibility to make the money for my family and take every opportunity. If something happens out of my control... where I have no choice but to move on? Oh wow. That's a dream...
That's my life. At least I'm aware of the angles.