It may seem
strange for this entry to come right after announcing
Talya's pregnancy... but since they've become an
inspiration to us it kinda fits perfectly. With every
step of happiness we achieve they seem to step in and
claw at us and that absolutely, positively, fascinates
me. I've always been an empath, almost obsessed with
understanding exactly what others are feeling
so I can better communicate what I'm
feeling. It's the core of my interpersonal
communication (though rarely seen on this site since
it's just my thoughts). So when I saw this on
twitter? I was legitimately shocked. Maybe
I shouldn't have been, but I really, really
was.
The mean girls
from last May return by making fun of Talya's "white
girl problems" as she's on her second marriage that
will surely end in divorce. It was after this and one
of the girl's blogs to end last year that I realized
this is still as much in their heads as it is in mine
(and to a lesser degree Talya, she moved past this
better than anyone). This is how I responded to her
blog in the first entry of 2012:
***
Twenty
eleven was also a year of loss. I lost a really
good friend due to a dime-store Svengali, a
certain pinkish eyewear, and an extraordinarily
rigid code of friendship conduct. Let me say
this: if one fight was enough to undue every
5-year relationship, then no one would have
friends. Isolationism really only works for the
Swiss.
What I find so
funny is that she still thinks this is some big
manipulative scam on my part. To what end? LOL. What's
the payoff? Am I manipulating Talya to be so happy
that we have babies together? What a prick! Will this
person finally realize she was wrong when our kid
enters kindergarten? Maybe college? At what point do
you realize that no one can be manipulated into
happiness? And what on earth are you
reading/seeing/sensing that would tell you otherwise?
I mean, you're gonna have to bump me up to at least
99cent store Svengali if I've masterminded every happy
blog post she's written, or all the pictures from the
wedding. Did I direct her to sway and giggle like the
most excited woman on the planet during the
ceremony?!?! Saying "I was wrong" is actually, really
freeing. You should try it. I do it all the time. It
allows you to let go of "perfection" and giggle at the
egg on your face. And how's "being mad at the world"
workin' for you? Did you have a good year? Exactly.
Spit out less venom and there will be very little
coming back at you.
***
I mean, duh,
right? It's Psychology 101 that mean people are really
just unhappy with their lives. But they keep bringing
it up and as someone who enjoys the mechanics of
intellectual debate? I'm curious as to how we'll
determine a winner here. Heh. Take the sides for
example...
Mean
Girls:
Because of our
romantic pasts and what they read on the site, they
believe I'm just manipulating Talya into thinking
she's happy when in fact, I'm using her. Once I'm
no longer happy, I will move on because that's
my pattern.
Us:
That's never
been my pattern, ever, and we've honestly never
been happier in our lives and can't wait to start a
family.
I don't mind the
side that they're on, it's a legitimate side (although
completely obvious if you never take the time to talk
to us). After a 5 year friendship they chose to never
talk to Talya about her relationship, ever. Choosing
only to read selective entries, talk about us behind
our backs and finally unload a barrage of rage on the
both of us when Talya refused to get involved in their
pettiness over one of my pardoy songs (that was about
Talya's ex mind you, not them). Again, I don't have a
problem with that... it's their right to make
assertions without ever speaking to the people
involved and in terms of trying to win an online
debate? That sure is nice! LMAO. If only all internet
debates could be with the willfully ignorant (actually
they usually are). No, what shocked me about the blog
and recent tweets is they happened AFTER our
wedding. This is where I have to admit a little
naivitae on my part. This is completely embarrassing
for me to write...
I actually
believed they would watch that wedding ceremony and
privately admit that they maaaay have been a
bit off on their assessments. I'm such a hopeless
romantic to have thought they would've seen that and
had their heart aflutter. LOL. Remember, this initial
blow-up at us was before we were even engaged.
I thought you would be very hard pressed to not
see the love and sincerity in those wedding vows, or
hell, even in the pre-wedding video. When I have to
tell her the photographer forgot and won't make it for
the family pictures before? It's probably the sweetest
moment of the day. So in my head, I figured that
privately? They were probably thinking: "wow... they
really are happy, we really were a bit
overdramatic, and we really didn't know them well
enough to understand that. Should probably stop
posting about that." Wroooooong. A few weeks after the
marriage they're still laughing about her white girl
problems and that this is her second marriage that
will end up in divorce. Clearly they're unhappy, yadda
yadda... but in terms of "winning a debate", this is
where it gets interesting...
They've kind of
set up a scenario where they can continue this for the
rest of our lives. Why? Because as long as we're
married? We could still get divorced. LOL. We
should've gotten a YEAR count from them. LMAO.
Because if it doesn't stop when we're happily married,
when do you admit defeat? Ever? Now that she's
pregnant? Multiple kids? When we're posting happy
videos as a family, will it continue with "they'll be
unhappy one day!" or the one that will make this go on
for a life time: "they're faking it to make it
look like they're happy." The only way they
admit defeat is if they stop talking about it because
it's so obvious we're happy. Goddamn, isn't this a
sick thing to root for for this long? How
miserable do you have to be to actively poke fun at
other people's... HAPPINESS?!?! LMAO. I mean I'll give
them the period when we had just met: "Oh they're not
really happy... she'll see. She'll be crying to me
soon enough." But after THAT proposal? Then
after THAT wedding? After that reaction to the
pregnancy test? Is this really just the old adage of
"misery loves company" and they're losing the once
miserable Talya so they're pissy? Then I had a
huge realization that is the reason
I wrote this entry. Because it's true of not only
their beliefs but probably the majority of
people reading...
The type of
love we show isn't real. It's the beginning stages,
the honeymoon period. It's a fairy tale, it's in
the movies... real relationships are a lot of hard
work and compromise and only the beginning
of a relationship is love songs and glee. So
they think we're in this honeymoon phase that will
soon pass. And when it does, I have proven by my
own track record to "give up."
Now, anyone who
has actually read The Journey? Knows that's not
true. And because no one can sit and read 12 years of
a journal, I always point to Entry
#1099
which is where
I typed this ridiculous sentence:
"My first
ex-wife just bought me a one-way ticket home at a
later date so I could see my second ex-wife's baby
the day it's born."
It's the quickest
way to show newcomers that these were never failures.
If I had ever wronged those two women, that
sentence could never be written. We love each other
dearly. No one was "traded in". I never cheated on
anyone, they never cheated on me. These were unique
situations where the right choice was to separate. If
you can blame us for anything? Blame us for not
believing a piece of paper was worth a lifetime of
unhappiness because we got our labels wrong. We loved
each other enough to change labels mid-stream and
celebrate each other's happiness as
friends.
It's almost
impossible to explain that type of love to someone who
has never been married or whose only mention of their
husband publically is to scorn him for still smoking
or to bemoan that she can't "mingle" when he's working
because they're married. No wonder she thinks my love
songs are over the top. She thinks it's all some
"con". And if she's ever experienced anything like
that herself? It turned out to be fleeting at best.
Then she looks at the surface of my past? And feels it
must be fleeting there as well. It does make sense.
Which means our "happiness" elicits anger from her.
Since it isn't her experience, it must be false. And
I need to make one quick aside to those in
relationships reading:
I don't
believe my relationship with Talya is the
"right" way. It's our way. I don't
believe our dynamic of being mellow, easy-going,
sharing male/female roles equally, is the "right"
way. It's our way. I know most relationships have a
a dominant/submissive dynamic in different areas
and if it works for them? Kick-ass. I don't
judge men that come off weaker in a relationship
(I've been there, sometimes shutting-the-fuck-up is
the most peaceful choice) just as I don't
judge women that have a more submissive role. We
all have certain personality types and life is
figuring out what that is and where we fit. I don't
think our relationship is better because I write a
love song or because we knew so early on that we
were special. I don't judge on those things. If
you're happy? You're doing it right. If you're mean
to others? You're doing it wrong.
Just had to get
that out. I think people assume arrogance on our
part because we're so open with our happiness.
Couldn't be further from the truth. Now back to the
topic at hand... what will be their excuse when it's
obvious they were wrong? I think if really questioned
on it? After we have a family, etc? Their "out" will
be that the baby somehow settled us down and kept us
together. If we didn't have a baby, I would
divorce her the moment the "honeymoon" period was
over. To which I have to just come right out and
say it:
There's
never been a honeymoon period with me and
Talya.
Contrary to all
the songs that are up now? There was never a
beginning whirlwind romance. In fact we told each
other "back the fuck off, I don't want a
relationship" immediately. Two months later
when we noticed we had spent two straight weeks
together (like, she just never went back to her
apartment) we looked at each other and said:
"Hmm, I guess this means we're in a relationship" so
we hit the "in a relationship" button on Facebook.
That's the boring truth about us. What grew from
that however was a very deep, respectful,
appreciative love that gets stronger by the day. But
our union? Was simply a result of us logically looking
at how we coexist. We just fit. There's no struggle,
there's no conflict, we compliment each other in every
way... and it's just obvious to anyone who spends time
with us. <shrugs> I can't really explain
it. We just had perfect life timing and we were
wise enough to allow the bond to grow, even though we
had every reason to push each other away because of
our pasts.
Every day we say how
happy we are and how fortunate we feel to have found
each other so randomly. The mean girls may see the
love songs as some "sly con", but I think the 200
Journey songs before those show that I just write
songs about my life. She's the most important thing in
my life... so I write songs about her. I love her
to death. I love us to death. What's the issue
again? LOL. Oh right, this was never about the truth,
this was about an intellectual online debate. Because
the actual truth, is very, very simple:
Talya used to be a
doormat. She isn't now. And if you're lucky enough to
make the shift from doormat to doorway? The "friends"
you had as a doormat will have issue with that. That's
it. 1/2 of the "Mean Girls" twosome is incredibly
controlling, abusive, and manipulative... while the
other is still a doormat. That dynamic can stay
together forever. ;)
I'm very proud of
Talya. I'm very proud that she can look at
this:
And have it not
hurt anymore. 6 months ago, they really hurt. They
shit on her at an already tense time (her mother was
leaving her father) with lines like: "I'll still be
here when he divorces u like all the others. And I
won't even say I told u so." Ouch. As obvious as it
was that they were out of their minds? They had been
friends for 5 years and Talya is incredibly sensitive.
That killed her. Now? Them making fun of her just
reinforces her belief and that they aren't good
people. She floats on to the next happy moment in her
life. I'm incredibly proud of her.
And to the mean
girls? Love. Just love. Love is not weak, mean is. So
just.. LOVE. Not because you'll rebuild bridges you've
burned, but because your entire life will
change. Being mean instantly attracts other mean
people and in return? Puts off the very people you
want in your life. And those people
won't usually tell you why they're not around you
anymore 'cause they figure you won't listen. I figure
you won't either, but I'm a bizarre creature that
adores the topic of communication. So at least it's
here. Someday you may read it. Someday when it's
obvious that everything you thought about the two of
us was wrong you might stumble upon this entry and
realize that being mean just prolonged your
healing.
Hopefully the last
entry will warrant their silence... but if they want
to continue this, we're happy to share the love. I can
only imagine their responses to the last
video...
