Entry #1099
3:48 PM, December 3rd, 2010:
This is a sentence, that I believe I'm the only person on the planet with the ability to write. I seriously think this is that rare.
"My first ex-wife just bought me a one-way ticket home at a later date so I could see my second ex-wife's baby the day it's born."
<shakes head> Anyone else on the planet tells you this, and you're like:  "WOW? WHAT?". I say it? Makes perfect sense. In fact the shocker is that my 3rd ex-wife isn't here with me. There is an ounce of embarrassment to write the sentence, but it does kinda melt my heart and make me tear up at the same time.
It is a testament to faulting with love. To pushing through the broken heart, striving to find peace with those you have connected with at nearly all costs. I know it's not possible with everyone, but I beg everyone reading this to push a bit more than you think you can with those who may have wronged you to find a common peace. There was a period where she tried to erase me and I was very hurt... actually wrote a song/entry about it (wow, totally forgot about this). But my door was always open, and I was always accessible. We did eventually reconnect and it's like I've said to everyone: connections don't expire. Ever. It only takes a shared goal of wanting to communicate, to find peace. It may be peace where you decide to not speak again indefinitely, but believe me - getting to the place where you're on the same page? Is so invaluable for your ability to love again, I cannot express it enough. My biggest issue right now is how badly I'm being treated by the one woman who I gave more to than ANYBODY. That's the shit that kicks your ass in the long run.
In October I wrote the entry "Lean on Me" about Burgundie, explaining that she was goin through some tough shit and I wanted to be a friend. It's not that she necessarily needs it, she has a loving boyfriend she's been with for 8 years, but it was just a feeling I had after talking with her. I've known her the majority of my life and even if we shared what was at the time, the most crushing moment ever for me, we still shared it. So talking about the things in our lives has a certain comfort to it that is almost childlike it's so far away. Clearly, she feels the same as this act of kindness shows.
Ends up Jess's baby is adament on coming out butt first with her hands and head as far away as possible. Is it not incredible that a couple hundred years ago, Jess would probably just die in this case? I mean, I'm as against the "convenient c-section" as anybody, but these are the cases that actually save lives and you just have to be thankful we live when we live. Though she's totally bummed it won't be natural, she understands. However it got scheduled the morning I leave, and I simply could not afford spending any more money. The money just to come out was money I didn't have, and at this late date? I couldn't do it. Totally bummed, but it was a roll of the dice anyway to chance it...
...until Burgundie just fought to pay for a ticket. She has a great job, and is so excited that she can actually help. I so remember this feeling the 5 minutes I had money in 2005. LOL. I teared up immediately when I realized she was serious and that this meant I would be able to see the baby. So I jump online to change the ticket from Tuesday to Thursday when I looked at the date... December 9th. Me & Burg's wedding anniversary.
Journey Gods are adorable aren't they? I mean, this is cute and all, but did you really hand me a year's worth of depression and constant shit so I could have this as my cure little poetic moment of 2010? Heh. Ends up that the following day worked better for me to get dropped off AND picked up from the airport so I made it for the 10th (I'm not THAT romantic people), but I enjoyed the attempt Journey Gods.
And let the asshole-logic side of me just say this:  When you get married and divorced 17 times and number every moment in your life? Of course this shit is gonna happen. Stop acting like it's some sweeping act of the GODS. JEEEEEEEZUS.
So I'm typing this in my father's office, which for about 6 months when I was 18/19 was my bedroom. It will forever remind me of my time with Burgundie where we were just so annoyed at having to travel back and forth to see each other, that we moved in together... six, fucking, teen, years ago.
<holds stomach and sighs>
ANYWAY. So I made a little video thinkin' about all sorts of stuff while lookin' round his room...
I am without the ability to load footage from my good camera or edit ANYTHING until I get back to LA, so I had to use my flip cam for this... however, it kinda works perfect for this video. Rawness is necessary sometimes. Bummed I can't get my dad's video up yet. :( Soon, soon, soon.
So once again, thank you SO much Burg. I know getting recognition for this is the last thing you wanted, but it's jus tso special to me to know that we've made it through the "label" reassignments over the past 20 years and I just believe it's inspiring to others to hear shit like this. Hate leads you to an early grave. Running from your past does the same. Love and forgiveness heals everything and moments like this prove it. Thank you thank you thank you.