This is a
sentence, that I believe I'm the only person on the
planet with the ability to write. I seriously
think this is that rare.
"My first
ex-wife just bought me a one-way ticket home at a
later date so I could see my second ex-wife's baby
the day it's born."
<shakes
head> Anyone else on the planet tells you this, and
you're like: "WOW? WHAT?". I say it? Makes
perfect sense. In fact the shocker is that my 3rd
ex-wife isn't here with me. There is an ounce of
embarrassment to write the sentence, but it does kinda
melt my heart and make me tear up at the same time.
It is a testament
to faulting with love. To pushing through the broken
heart, striving to find peace with those you have
connected with at nearly all costs. I know it's not
possible with everyone, but I beg everyone reading
this to push a bit more than you think you can with
those who may have wronged you to find a common peace.
There was a period where she tried to erase me and I
was very hurt... actually wrote a song/entry about it
(wow, totally
forgot about
this). But
my door was always open, and I was always accessible.
We did eventually reconnect and it's like I've said to
everyone: connections don't expire. Ever. It only
takes a shared goal of wanting to communicate, to find
peace. It may be peace where you decide to not speak
again indefinitely, but believe me - getting to the
place where you're on the same page? Is so invaluable
for your ability to love again, I cannot express
it enough. My biggest issue right now is how badly I'm
being treated by the one woman who I gave more to
than ANYBODY. That's the shit that kicks your ass in
the long run.
In October I wrote
the entry "Lean on Me" about Burgundie, explaining
that she was goin through some tough shit and I wanted
to be a friend. It's not that she necessarily needs
it, she has a loving boyfriend she's been with for 8
years, but it was just a feeling I had after
talking with her. I've known her the majority of my
life and even if we shared what was at the time, the
most crushing moment ever for me, we still
shared it. So talking about the things in our
lives has a certain comfort to it that is almost
childlike it's so far away. Clearly, she feels the
same as this act of kindness shows.
Ends up Jess's
baby is adament on coming out butt first with her
hands and head as far away as possible. Is it not
incredible that a couple hundred years ago, Jess would
probably just die in this case? I mean, I'm as against
the "convenient c-section" as anybody, but these
are the cases that actually save lives and you just
have to be thankful we live when we live. Though she's
totally bummed it won't be natural, she understands.
However it got scheduled the morning I leave, and
I simply could not afford spending any more
money. The money just to come out was money I didn't
have, and at this late date? I couldn't do it. Totally
bummed, but it was a roll of the dice anyway to chance
it...
...until Burgundie
just fought to pay for a ticket. She has a great job,
and is so excited that she can actually help.
I so remember this feeling the 5 minutes I had
money in 2005. LOL. I teared up immediately when
I realized she was serious and that this meant I
would be able to see the baby. So I jump online to
change the ticket from Tuesday to Thursday when I
looked at the date... December 9th. Me
& Burg's wedding anniversary.
(sigh)
Journey Gods are
adorable aren't they? I mean, this is cute and
all, but did you really hand me a year's worth of
depression and constant shit so I could have this as
my cure little poetic moment of 2010? Heh. Ends up
that the following day worked better for me to get
dropped off AND picked up from the airport so I
made it for the 10th (I'm not THAT romantic people),
but I enjoyed the attempt Journey Gods.
And let the
asshole-logic side of me just say this: When you
get married and divorced 17 times and number every
moment in your life? Of course this shit is gonna
happen. Stop acting like it's some sweeping act of the
GODS. JEEEEEEEZUS.
HAHAHA.
So I'm typing this
in my father's office, which for about 6 months when I
was 18/19 was my bedroom. It will forever remind me of
my time with Burgundie where we were just so annoyed
at having to travel back and forth to see each other,
that we moved in together... six, fucking, teen, years
ago.
<holds stomach
and sighs>
ANYWAY. So I made
a little video thinkin' about all sorts of stuff while
lookin' round his room...
I am without
the ability to load footage from my good camera or
edit ANYTHING until I get back to LA, so I had to
use my flip cam for this... however, it kinda works
perfect for this video. Rawness is necessary
sometimes. Bummed I can't get my dad's video up
yet. :( Soon, soon, soon.
So once again,
thank you SO much Burg. I know getting
recognition for this is the last thing you wanted, but
it's jus tso special to me to know that we've made it
through the "label" reassignments over the past
20 years and I just believe it's inspiring to others
to hear shit like this. Hate leads you to an early
grave. Running from your past does the same. Love and
forgiveness heals everything and moments like
this prove it. Thank you thank you thank
you.
