ENTRY #202
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10:55 PM, Sunday, May 19th, 2002:
Man do I have a biting vengeful streak in me. Sometimes I just want someone to hurt. Truly feel pain because of what I feel they've done to me. I guess we all do, but when it comes out in me, something must REALLY be up. I don't know a whole lotta people that are worth the effort. It's a lot easier to just block 'em on your buddy list and go about your business.
But then the writer comes out in me. And I just want to HURT the person. Sting the person. Well as I mentioned a few entries back, someone I cared deeply about as aperson, decided to stop returning calls, have people lie for her, and basically ignore everything. Finally in a fluke meeting, my step-mom found out she was simply "breaking ties". All it would've taken was a 3 minute phone call, and I would've had no problem. We'd known each other for nearly 12 years, maintained a friendship for several years after a divorce, and now this. It was really the first time in a long time, I wanted to hurt someone deeply. I felt sucker punched twice. Once as a husband, and once as a friend. It wasn't that these relationships were ending, we all know shit happens, but the absolute lack of respect for the other person to give so much as a word.
A uniqueness to all this is, songs have already been written for tihs person. Loving songs. As I sat down to the piano, ready to spit out vile, I began to sing some of the old songs I'd written for her. It only made me angrier. I knew that no matter what, she'd be able to listen to these songs, and remember the good times. She had a part of me forever, and I wanted to take that from her. But you can't. No matter how scorned you are, you can't erase the past...
...or can you?
Ever listen to Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio? Well then why do you sing about Amish people when you hear it? Heh.
So there was my shot. How hurtful to rewrite a love song. Take out their name. Make everytime they hear the original version, be a reminder of the new lyrics. You've tarnished chords. You've taken a memory. You've hurt someone.
And I can't just let that be. I have to try and figure out what the hell this means. I have to analyze it because it's a part of me I'm not really proud of. I don't really feel you should ever purposefully HURT someone. No matter what happens to you, you just move on. Nothing is gained by HURTING someone. It's a completely selfish act. But I perform all these acts in a somewhat public forum. If I find myself with intense feelings about something or someone (other than Jessica), I have to chronicle it. I feel if I don't write an entry about it, I'm not being fair to "The Journey".
Think about it for a moment. Think of your last 2 1/2 years. Now imagine writing it as a story as it happens. Every event that you feel may change your character, you have to chronicle it. Think about the strange shit that would come out. Someone piss you off? It becomes another chapter. Nothing happening in your life? Guess what, that gets to be a chapter too. And you can't just write: "Same old Shit. Late. Adam." - You gotta write WHY. You gotta write what the hell you're gonna do to change that. It's such a strange discipline, to produce this site. Yes, lotsa shit gets the spotlight that certainly ain't worthy (ahem, soiree thrower), but for the most part what you get is just strange insights to what I'm feeling. God, is anyone EVER gonna read this? LOL.
So here's one more. Entry #202: Adam's fucking pissy. Someone he's known for nearly half his life has hurt him and he wants to return the favor. Not sure what this means in the life of "The Journey". If this trait will help me make it, or keep me from it. It's all I've been thinkin' 'bout the last week, and it's time to end that.
original video file
MAY 2002