entry and video locked until 04.01.12
2:37 PM, Thursday, February 2nd, 2012:
I know this entry will be one that my kids will want to read, will be very special to my family - I know what it should say...
...but if I'm gonna stay true to who I am and what this project was about? I cannot do that. I have to say what all of this feels like. That's always been the point. Be honest until it hurts so those who aren't going through the same thing really understand what it feels like. If that means this entry is slightly innappropriate for my family to read? Well, duh. So is about 1200 entries before this one. LOL. It's the most honest accounting of someone's life, ever. So with that, I give you yet another tear-jerking video:
Goddamn I love, love, love how I've documented my life. I mean, I feel like the luckiest person on the planet to have the moments of my life captured like this. So now to alllllllllllllllllllllll the things running through my head...
Yeah, this is where it gets embarrassing, but let's just say that I am a firm believer in, uhm... pull and pray. And it's not even close. I'm years away when I pull... you know, why the hell is this so embarrassing? Have we not ALL had sex? This is a grown-up site, and well, I think everyone is shaking their heads here - so I'm gonna stop being so embarrassed.
So because of that? I know exactly when this happened. January 18th. And it was totally a "Ya know what, let's give it one shot." We thought: "How storybook would that be?" In the glow of the wedding, never been happier, never been more in love... let's just try - ONE TIME. If it happens, so be it... if it doesn't we'll plan some things out for about a year from now. Wow.
2) Childhood Dream
Ever since I was born I've known I was born on John Lennon's birthday, October 9th. Perhaps even crazier, his child Sean was also born on his birthday... the exact same year as me. I was always amazed at that. Thought it would be the coolest thing ever to share your birthday with your kid. So believe me, I was knocked back in my chair when I found out the due date is October 10th. Of course due dates are more of a "due week" and anything can happen. But to be THAT close? Oh GOD am I excited. Talya got her childhood dream of a Wednesday wedding by absolute random circumstance, could it be? Could this actually happen? How fun. So excited.
3) 20 Years of Self-Control?
This is what baffles me. This actually means, the for OVER TWENTY YEARS, I've been successful at this type of control. Outsiders looking at my track record had to have wondered if I ever had sex. That many marriages? No babies? Hell, even I thought I was sterile because the sheer odds seeeeemed to be against that being possible. I've been in several long term (over a year) relationships that got to the "unprotected" sex stage. Literally over a dozen years of pull and pray and only a few of those years were they on birth control. So I gotta ask: what the hell are these OTHER guys doing? Is the world full of premature dudes that think "Pull & Pray" means DURING "the moment" and not WELL before? Is everything we're ever told about sex really all focused on the lowest common denominator? Is pulling out really that effective if the guy has self control? 20 YEARS? Sorry... this is all just blowing my mind...
...which of course leads to this feeling. Of course I thought I could've been sterile. I'M NOT! In fact, I'm SUPER POTENT! All those years of wearing no underwear WORKED! HAHAHAHAHA. Way too much information in this entry. It really is a pretty awesome feeling to know that you "work". I can't tell you how many times I thought a certain kick to the nuts may have done me in or a certain repetitive motion, uhm, hitting those poor testicular bastards too often numbed them or dazed them somehow. Hell, ever think you just used it all up? LMAO. This is the worst entry ever. HAHAHAHA. I'm writing really fast so I don't edit it. Anyway, these are all the things I know I've thought and maybe other men have thought too that all instantly go away when you learn: "MY BOYS CAN SWIM!". It's a euphoric feeling.
5) Uhm, are you ready?
I think I was ready to be a father at 17 when my girlfriend was 10 days late. I really do. I've wanted a family my entire life. It has been a constant struggle with being accountable to my talents when my heart has always wanted to be married with a family. Just as I was MORE than ready to focus my energy on Talya when we became a couple, as well as become the best husband I could... I'm even more ready to be the best father I can be. It's direction! And as I've proven with my life, direction = success. Lack of direction = spinning & depression. So I am giddy. Did that show in the reaction? <looking again>
Yeah, it kinda did. <smile> I was certainly shocked though. I mean, I've done the pregnancy test thingee before and it's never said that. So it's really just disbelief... and of course, we weren't actively trying. So many couples try for months and there's so much build-up... that's what I expected. So for it to happen after one attempt (and only one attempt) is shocking. But we are obviously THRILLED. There couldn't be more love. We couldn't be more excited. I mean, when you say "Let's. Make. Babies." in your wedding vows... clearly, you've made your focus clear. By the way, that's where the title of this entry comes from - a response to the title 10 entries ago of "Let's. Make. Babies." Heh.
HOW THE HUH? Engaged on 1150, Married on 1200 and pregnant on 1210? Carl the Number God in full effect. In fact?  Three of them:
The Random God
The Happy God
The Number God
~* ~ ZAPPOW! ~* ~ RANDOM!!! ~* ~ ZAPPOW! ~* ~
~* ~ ZAPPOW! ~* ~ HAPPY!!! ~* ~ ZAPPOW! ~* ~
~* ~ ZAPPOW! ~* ~ NUMBER!!! ~* ~ ZAPPOW! ~* ~
Heh, I haven't used Journey Gods in forever. A silly mechanism I invented in 2005 that soon got overlooked when so many amazing things happened at once in 2006/2007. And things falling on round numbers are bound to happen when you NUMBER EVERYTHING... but 10 entries later? LOL. TEN? I'm shaking my head more at just how quick it is, but it's pretty cool to remember your life in numbers. 1210! :-)
7) How lucky are we?
Both Talya and I could've had this moment with other people. To say some of those situations were less than ideal is to say the least. For me, I have never had a better, more supportive situation than the one I'm in. Her family being so close is an absolute dream for someone 2500 miles from his. And of course the connection I have with Talya truly is second to none. Thankfully I can type that sentence knowing my exes that I love dearly are also in wonderful relationships and feel the same. Burg has been with Aaron for nearly 10 years now and of course Jess, Jeff & Zoe are as wonderful as can be. Shit I'm gonna cry. To think that our kids will be less than 2 years apart and be able to play with each other in the coming years warms my heart to such a level I can barely keep typing. Whew. I wish everyone could be as lucky as I am to have such incredible connections with exes throughout their lives. Call us failures if you'd like, but you have to know that we consider ourselves incredibly special and incredibly fortunate. We worked so hard to get beyond labels and find where we belonged. It's the most beautiful life lesson I will pass on to my children: love even when you can't get the label you want. Many would still be angry because someone couldn't be a wife, or a mother to your children, or even a girlfriend. Those people are filled with anger, resentment and have one less loving spirit in their life. When you choose to be friends in spite of that? You gain the world. You are at peace. You get moments like this, crying at your keyboard, thinking of your kids playing together. What failures. ;-)
8) The One Bummer
I can't believe the timing of this, but check out this week back in Ohio planned for October:
October 7th - Kenny's getting married (yes, the one who was 9 when The Journey started)
October 9th - My Birthday
October 12th - My dad's playing a gig
October 13th - Marty MOOSE is getting married!
And now? Erase all of that. That's when the baby is due. And even give or take a few months, Talya can't fly in her 3rd Trimester, and I'm sure as hell not leaving her alone during that time or soon after the baby is born if it's a bit early. Nope, there's simply no way I can be there for all of that and it's an absolute bummer. I know everyone will understand, but I am really really bummed I'm gonna miss that.
9) The Second Trimester Rule
I think this is the stupidest thing ever. I understand that there's a myriad of bad things that can happen in the first trimester. Pregnancies are lost, and announcing your pregnancy before that could make for some awkward moments later...
...so you deal with that alone? Huh? Maybe it's because I have a lifetime of egg on my face and that openness has healed me, but it seems downright masochistic to not share this when it's happening and then have less support if something were to go wrong. Life is a series of ups and downs and having more people to share that with is a good thing. However, this will remain locked on this site simply because there are some people we don't want to know just quite yet... but believe me, we're telling everyone we know. Duh.
10) Spooky Timing
Groundhog Day, right? Deja Vu. Look at the second entry of February last year...
Is that crazy or what? Pregnancy test, certain we were having a baby... video... hell I'm even wearing the same SHIRT. Then again, I have the most limited attire of any man on the planet, so that's not surprising. Ha, that reaction was awesome. I was so bummed she wasn't pregnant. LOL. I guess there's no denying our connection. We just knew. There was never a doubt. I wish everything in life could be like that.
11) Thank GOD for The Journey
Because of those entries last year? Anyone who cares to know the truth, will be able to figure out that we weren't pregnant before we were married. In fact some of you reading are probably clueless to what I'm talking about 'cause it would never occur to those that know me. Ya see, it would stand to reason that if you wanted to hide a "shotgun" wedding, you would write "Let's make babies" into the vows and then announce you're having one a MONTH later. LOL. And I guarantee that anyone who doesn't know me very well, will have that pop in their head. What's great about The Journey is that it's pretty much a 12 year long document proving I would have had NO problem telling people she got pregnant before the wedding. The entries last year when we thought she was pregnant attest to that. And really, who else has that?  Ya know? That's what's so cool. When you just say "fuck it" and post your life online publically? You never have to worry. Oh people will still think they know better because they never take the time to read (or think every single thing they read is a lie) but ya can't win those bitches. LOL. The conception date was January 18th. Watch, the kid will be 3 weeks early. HA.
12) End of the World
Yeah, this should be pregancy random #12. Heh. Although I have absolutely zero belief in the Mayan Calendar Apocolypse (take it from someone who knows how numbering your entire life leads to all sorts of crazy anomalies that should be taken romantically not realistically), it did occur to me that if it did happen - I'll have knocked off the only thing in my life I ever considered a "bucket list" item. If even for 2 months, I'll be a dad. LOL. More than anything though? I look forward to watching people freak out this December. I'm sure there'll be copycat apocolypse cults and all sorts of human-made drama. The world however, will not end.
Alright! So I'm gonna do my best to document everything from as unique a perspective as possible. We tend to get bombarded with baby pics/vids on Facebook and I'm gonna do my best to put a spin on that. You know I always like doing things differently than everyone else. Man this is really happening. I think I'm gonna watch that video a few more times.
PS - Talya! )*&%@*)&%#%  AHHHH!!!!!! OMG!!! :-)