I know this entry
will be one that my kids will want to read, will be
very special to my family - I know what it should
say...
...but if I'm
gonna stay true to who I am and what this project was
about? I cannot do that. I have to say what all of
this feels like. That's always been the point. Be
honest until it hurts so those who aren't going
through the same thing really understand what it feels
like. If that means this entry is slightly
innappropriate for my family to read? Well, duh. So is
about 1200 entries before this one. LOL. It's the most
honest accounting of someone's life, ever. So with
that, I give you yet another tear-jerking
video:
Goddamn I love,
love, love how I've documented my life. I mean, I feel
like the luckiest person on the planet to have the
moments of my life captured like this. So now to
alllllllllllllllllllllll the things running through my
head...
1)
ONE TIME?
Yeah, this is
where it gets embarrassing, but let's just say that
I am a firm believer in, uhm... pull and pray. And
it's not even close. I'm years away when I pull...
you know, why the hell is this so embarrassing?
Have we not ALL had sex? This is a grown-up
site, and well, I think everyone is shaking their
heads here - so I'm gonna stop being so
embarrassed.
So because of
that? I know exactly when this
happened. January 18th. And it was totally a "Ya
know what, let's give it one shot." We
thought: "How storybook would that be?" In the glow
of the wedding, never been happier, never been more
in love... let's just try - ONE TIME. If it
happens, so be it... if it doesn't we'll plan some
things out for about a year from now.
Wow.
2) Childhood
Dream
Ever since
I was born I've known I was born on John
Lennon's birthday, October 9th. Perhaps even
crazier, his child Sean was also born on his
birthday... the exact same year as me. I was always
amazed at that. Thought it would be the coolest
thing ever to share your birthday with your kid. So
believe me, I was knocked back in my chair when
I found out the due date is October 10th. Of
course due dates are more of a "due week" and
anything can happen. But to be THAT close? Oh
GOD am I excited. Talya got her childhood
dream of a Wednesday wedding by absolute random
circumstance, could it be? Could this actually
happen? How fun. So excited.
3) 20 Years of
Self-Control?
This is what
baffles me. This actually means, the for OVER
TWENTY YEARS, I've been successful at this
type of control. Outsiders looking at my track
record had to have wondered if I ever had
sex. That many marriages? No babies? Hell, even
I thought I was sterile because the sheer
odds seeeeemed to be against that being
possible. I've been in several long term
(over a year) relationships that got to the
"unprotected" sex stage. Literally over a dozen
years of pull and pray and only a few of those
years were they on birth control. So I gotta
ask: what the hell are these OTHER guys doing? Is
the world full of premature dudes that think "Pull
& Pray" means DURING "the moment" and
not WELL before? Is everything we're ever told
about sex really all focused on the lowest common
denominator? Is pulling out really that effective
if the guy has self control? 20 YEARS? Sorry...
this is all just blowing my mind...
4)
MY BOYS CAN SWIM!
...which of
course leads to this feeling. Of course
I thought I could've been sterile.
I'M NOT! In fact, I'm SUPER POTENT! All
those years of wearing no underwear WORKED!
HAHAHAHAHA. Way too much information in this entry.
It really is a pretty awesome feeling to know that
you "work". I can't tell you how many times I
thought a certain kick to the nuts may have done me
in or a certain repetitive motion, uhm, hitting
those poor testicular bastards too often numbed
them or dazed them somehow. Hell, ever think you
just used it all up? LMAO. This is the worst entry
ever. HAHAHAHA. I'm writing really fast so I don't
edit it. Anyway, these are all the things I know
I've thought and maybe other men have thought too
that all instantly go away when you learn:
"MY BOYS CAN SWIM!". It's a euphoric
feeling.
5) Uhm, are you
ready?
I think
I was ready to be a father at 17 when my
girlfriend was 10 days late. I really do. I've
wanted a family my entire life. It has been a
constant struggle with being accountable to my
talents when my heart has always wanted to be
married with a family. Just as I was MORE than
ready to focus my energy on Talya when we became a
couple, as well as become the best husband
I could... I'm even more ready to be the best
father I can be. It's direction! And as I've proven
with my life, direction = success. Lack of
direction = spinning & depression. So I am
giddy. Did that show in the reaction? <looking
again>
Yeah, it kinda
did. <smile> I was certainly shocked though.
I mean, I've done the pregnancy test thingee before
and it's never said that. So it's really
just disbelief... and of course, we weren't
actively trying. So many couples try for months and
there's so much build-up... that's what I expected.
So for it to happen after one attempt (and only one
attempt) is shocking. But we are obviously
THRILLED. There couldn't be more love. We couldn't
be more excited. I mean, when you say "Let's.
Make. Babies." in your wedding vows... clearly,
you've made your focus clear. By the way, that's
where the title of this entry comes from - a
response to the title 10 entries ago of "Let's.
Make. Babies." Heh.
6) 10
ENTRIES LATER?
HOW THE HUH?
Engaged on 1150, Married on 1200 and pregnant on
1210? Carl the Number God in full effect. In
fact? Three of them:
Johnson
Will
Carl
The Random
God
The
Happy God
The
Number God
~* ~
ZAPPOW!
~* ~
RANDOM!!!
~* ~
ZAPPOW!
~*
~
~* ~
ZAPPOW!
~* ~
HAPPY!!!
~* ~
ZAPPOW!
~*
~
~* ~
ZAPPOW!
~* ~
NUMBER!!!
~* ~
ZAPPOW!
~*
~
Heh, I haven't
used Journey Gods in forever. A silly mechanism I
invented in 2005 that soon got overlooked when so
many amazing things happened at once in 2006/2007.
And things falling on round numbers are bound to
happen when you NUMBER EVERYTHING... but 10
entries later? LOL. TEN? I'm shaking my head more
at just how quick it is, but it's pretty cool to
remember your life in numbers. 1210!
:-)
7) How lucky
are we?
Both Talya and
I could've had this moment with other people. To
say some of those situations were less than ideal
is to say the least. For me, I have never had a
better, more supportive situation than the one I'm
in. Her family being so close is an absolute dream
for someone 2500 miles from his. And of course the
connection I have with Talya truly is second
to none. Thankfully I can type that sentence
knowing my exes that I love dearly are also in
wonderful relationships and feel the same. Burg has
been with Aaron for nearly 10 years now and of
course Jess, Jeff & Zoe are as wonderful as can
be. Shit I'm gonna cry. To think that our kids will
be less than 2 years apart and be able to play with
each other in the coming years warms my heart to
such a level I can barely keep typing. Whew. I
wish everyone could be as lucky as I am to have
such incredible connections with exes throughout
their lives. Call us failures if you'd like, but
you have to know that we consider ourselves
incredibly special and incredibly fortunate. We
worked so hard to get beyond labels and find where
we belonged. It's the most beautiful life lesson
I will pass on to my children: love even when
you can't get the label you want. Many would still
be angry because someone couldn't be a wife, or a
mother to your children, or even a girlfriend.
Those people are filled with anger, resentment and
have one less loving spirit in their life. When you
choose to be friends in spite of that? You gain the
world. You are at peace. You get moments like this,
crying at your keyboard, thinking of your kids
playing together. What failures. ;-)
8) The One
Bummer
I can't believe
the timing of this, but check out this week back in
Ohio planned for October:
October 7th -
Kenny's getting married (yes, the one who was 9
when The Journey started)
October 9th -
My Birthday
October 12th -
My dad's playing a gig
October 13th -
Marty MOOSE is getting married!
And now? Erase
all of that. That's when the baby is due. And even
give or take a few months, Talya can't fly in her
3rd Trimester, and I'm sure as hell not leaving her
alone during that time or soon after the baby is
born if it's a bit early. Nope, there's simply no
way I can be there for all of that and it's an
absolute bummer. I know everyone will understand,
but I am really really bummed I'm gonna miss
that.
9) The Second
Trimester Rule
I think this is
the stupidest thing ever. I understand that
there's a myriad of bad things that can happen in
the first trimester. Pregnancies are lost, and
announcing your pregnancy before that could make
for some awkward moments later...
...so you deal
with that alone? Huh? Maybe it's because I have a
lifetime of egg on my face and that openness has
healed me, but it seems downright masochistic to
not share this when it's happening and then
have less support if something were to go
wrong. Life is a series of ups and downs and having
more people to share that with is a good thing.
However, this will remain locked on this
site simply because there are some people we
don't want to know just quite yet... but believe
me, we're telling everyone we know.
Duh.
10) Spooky
Timing
Groundhog Day,
right? Deja Vu. Look at the second entry of
February last year...
Is that crazy
or what? Pregnancy test, certain we were having a
baby... video... hell I'm even wearing the same
SHIRT. Then again, I have the most limited attire
of any man on the planet, so that's not surprising.
Ha, that reaction was awesome. I was so bummed she
wasn't pregnant. LOL. I guess there's no denying
our connection. We just knew. There was
never a doubt. I wish everything in
life could be like that.
11) Thank
GOD for The Journey
Because of
those entries last year? Anyone who cares to know
the truth, will be able to figure out that we
weren't pregnant before we were married. In fact
some of you reading are probably clueless to what
I'm talking about 'cause it would never occur to
those that know me. Ya see, it would stand to
reason that if you wanted to hide a
"shotgun" wedding, you would write "Let's make
babies" into the vows and then announce you're
having one a MONTH later. LOL. And I guarantee
that anyone who doesn't know me very well, will
have that pop in their head. What's great about The
Journey is that it's pretty much a 12 year long
document proving I would have had NO problem
telling people she got pregnant before the wedding.
The entries last year when we thought she was
pregnant attest to that. And really, who else has
that? Ya know? That's what's so cool. When
you just say "fuck it" and post your life online
publically? You never have to worry. Oh people will
still think they know better because they never
take the time to read (or think every single thing
they read is a lie) but ya can't win those bitches.
LOL. The conception date was January 18th. Watch,
the kid will be 3 weeks early. HA.
12) End of the
World
Yeah, this
should be pregancy random #12. Heh. Although
I have absolutely zero belief in the Mayan
Calendar Apocolypse (take it from someone who knows
how numbering your entire life leads to all sorts
of crazy anomalies that should be taken
romantically not realistically), it
did occur to me that if it did happen - I'll
have knocked off the only thing in my life I ever
considered a "bucket list" item. If even for 2
months, I'll be a dad. LOL. More than anything
though? I look forward to watching people freak out
this December. I'm sure there'll be copycat
apocolypse cults and all sorts of human-made drama.
The world however, will not end.
Alright! So I'm
gonna do my best to document everything from as unique
a perspective as possible. We tend to get bombarded
with baby pics/vids on Facebook and I'm gonna do my
best to put a spin on that. You know I always like
doing things differently than everyone else. Man this
is really happening. I think I'm gonna watch that
video a few more times.
