I fear I'm just
going to repeat myself, but the urge to document my
fundamental shift isn't subsiding. When I document it
right? I'm satisfied and move onto other things. When
I haven't quite nailed it? I still feel the
need to reshape it because this to me is the
foundation of The Journey. It's worthless if I'm not
open, vulnerable and honest. I intended to show
what shifts me and just because it's shifting in the
opposite direction I hoped it would 12 years ago,
that doesn't mean I stop being open about it. So
here goes...
During all the
backyard fun of the past couple weeks (a killer
putt-putt mini-golf hole is next), one thing has been
in my head the entire time: how happy Talya will be
with it when I'm done. The sense of family,
domestication, kids... that's nothing new for me, but
before it was always part of the pie that makes
up who I am. It's overwhelming how different that
feels now. It's everything to me now and I feel
luckier than I've ever felt. Like I got that
second chance at something I was certain
I lost forever when Jess left. And as I've said
before with just how bad 2010 was? Everyone who knows
and loves me are sooooooooo happy for that. Sooooooo
glad to see me smile. I am absolutely in a state of
happiness that doesn't go away with life's normal ups
and downs. Believe it or not, you can actually get to
that state if you're a pretty centered person. And in
fact, I think this is proving a point I've made
for years about myself (that many other artists never
believed) that I push all of the showbiz stuff from...
LOGIC -- NOT because of some need for
acceptance or a need to be famous. Logic tells me my
talents belong on a big stage... and that's it. I
create constantly just 'cause it's like breathing to
me. It's fun... and building a deck in the backyard is
JUST as fun to me. I try and push the
entertainment talents on bigger levels simply because
logic and now clearly some past successful experiences
say to me those talents are unique and belong there.
So it shouldn't surprise me that I'm as happy as I am,
without actively pursuing my career on a national
level. I wish all artists could get to this point.
It's a wonderful feeling...
...it is also, a
dream killer. 'Cause that kid who came to LA at 24? He
might as well be a memory from the 80s skateboarding
around my neighborhood. That drive is gone.
I just want to be happy, and as I described
above? I wasn't pushing my talents in an effort to be
happy. In fact it was almost always the opposite. The
fight was always difficult, always challenging and
rarely made the artist in me "happy". Even during the
most successful time during CBS? It was unbelieveably
difficult dealing with my manager, the network, the
lack of feedback that is customary in "News", the
censors, etc. Trying to juggle all the hats I was
wearing in front of and behind the camera and then
stressing about all the things my manager
wasn't doing... there simply was no happiness
during that time. I did it, again, because
I belonged in that game. I still feel I do... but
it was never to make me happy. Seeing myself on
TV? That's cool for about 2 seconds. Then you're
immediately scheming on how to leverage that exposure
into something more and banging your head against the
wall when your manager has zero contacts to do
that. There was no "happy" place I could find
within the industry. Happiness was always a close bond
with someone and a family... and therein lies the
epiphany:
For some? There is
happiness in the industry, because they're more
self-centered than I am. Not judging here, just
making an observation after pushing my talents for
15-20 years. I don't have that trait. I am happier
focusing on others, and I have proven that to
myself over and over the last 15 years. My lowest
times were always when I was self-centered on my
career and alone and the happiest times were when I
was surrounded by love and focusing on others. It's
why I have been married for so much of my adult life.
I love that balance. I love that teamwork. I
don't mind being alone, and have indeed had some of
the best times of my life when I was alone, but
I prefer being connected heart/soul/mind to
another human being. My best traits come out in
relationships. And I believe, that is why, I will
never, ever, ever make it to a sustained national
level of excellence in my career. I don't have that
"thing" that triggers "happy" when I'm there. I do get
sick of it. Remember the "I
Me Mine"
entry from 2009 when I was going through the
Comedy Central stuff? Shoud've been on topof the
world! But was sooooooo sick of documenting the
all-consuming, self-centered "waiting" game of
the industry. I was longing to focus on
others.
And now we're
here. I am beyond fortunate to have a real sense of
"family" here in LA with Talya. Especially her mother,
but also the extended family that have been incredibly
giving and loving towards me. Something I never
thought another family would take the time to do with
me... and they have. I feel like I have it all,
and am not wanting for anything. It does bring
up one, tiny, caveat:
I've never had
both at the same time. When I was with Jess (who was
incredibly supportive and loving) I never had any
career success. When I was kicking all sorts of ass
with CBS, I was with the least supportive, most
unbelieveably energy sucking person ever in
Donna. It took every waking second of my free time to
attend to her needs, 24-7. To this day, I have no
idea how I pulled off CBS in that environment.
And finally during Comedy Central I was single... and
as I described in that entry from 2009? It was
too much. Too much ME. So it does make me wonder...
"What if I were to have a big career moment, now
that I have such a tremendous support system and
someone else to focus on?". That is the question that
makes me even entertain the thought of career-stuff.
But it's a thought. An action? Man. I... would
rather do anything than re-edit my documentary
for the film festivals. You know, like create an
entire WORLD in my backyard to escape from my
computer? Heh.
I will however
write Talya a song. :)
HAHAHAHAHAHA. So
me to not leave well enough alone, isn't it? The truth
is that the comical side of everything never really
leaves us. We're both pretty self-aware people, and
that's what makes this so amazing. We have all
that goin' against us and STILL rest just as soundly.
Just as peaceful. Other people think too goddamn much.
Other people don't really take the time to see us
together. Other people are just that: other, people.
We're so fortunate to have each other, so happy and at
peace that those other people are colorful. We want to
share with them. We want to hug them. 'Cause they're
not pointing out anything we haven't giggled about. I
mean, we wrote "WHAT THE FUCK?" on our
wedding invitations KNOWING that this is exactly
some people's reactions when they heard I was
getting married again. <throws hands up> life is
fun. Celebrate it.
