3:58 PM, Thursday, October 27th, 2011:
I fear I'm just going to repeat myself, but the urge to document my fundamental shift isn't subsiding. When I document it right? I'm satisfied and move onto other things. When I haven't quite nailed it? I still feel the need to reshape it because this to me is the foundation of The Journey. It's worthless if I'm not open, vulnerable and honest. I intended to show what shifts me and just because it's shifting in the opposite direction I hoped it would 12 years ago, that doesn't mean I stop being open about it. So here goes...
During all the backyard fun of the past couple weeks (a killer putt-putt mini-golf hole is next), one thing has been in my head the entire time: how happy Talya will be with it when I'm done. The sense of family, domestication, kids... that's nothing new for me, but before it was always part of the pie that makes up who I am. It's overwhelming how different that feels now. It's everything to me now and I feel luckier than I've ever felt. Like I got that second chance at something I was certain I lost forever when Jess left. And as I've said before with just how bad 2010 was? Everyone who knows and loves me are sooooooooo happy for that. Sooooooo glad to see me smile. I am absolutely in a state of happiness that doesn't go away with life's normal ups and downs. Believe it or not, you can actually get to that state if you're a pretty centered person. And in fact, I think this is proving a point I've made for years about myself (that many other artists never believed) that I push all of the showbiz stuff from... LOGIC -- NOT because of some need for acceptance or a need to be famous. Logic tells me my talents belong on a big stage... and that's it. I create constantly just 'cause it's like breathing to me. It's fun... and building a deck in the backyard is JUST as fun to me. I try and push the entertainment talents on bigger levels simply because logic and now clearly some past successful experiences say to me those talents are unique and belong there. So it shouldn't surprise me that I'm as happy as I am, without actively pursuing my career on a national level. I wish all artists could get to this point. It's a wonderful feeling...
...it is also, a dream killer. 'Cause that kid who came to LA at 24? He might as well be a memory from the 80s skateboarding around my neighborhood. That drive is gone. I just want to be happy, and as I described above? I wasn't pushing my talents in an effort to be happy. In fact it was almost always the opposite. The fight was always difficult, always challenging and rarely made the artist in me "happy". Even during the most successful time during CBS? It was unbelieveably difficult dealing with my manager, the network, the lack of feedback that is customary in "News", the censors, etc. Trying to juggle all the hats I was wearing in front of and behind the camera and then stressing about all the things my manager wasn't doing... there simply was no happiness during that time. I did it, again, because I belonged in that game. I still feel I do... but it was never to make me happy. Seeing myself on TV? That's cool for about 2 seconds. Then you're immediately scheming on how to leverage that exposure into something more and banging your head against the wall when your manager has zero contacts to do that. There was no "happy" place I could find within the industry. Happiness was always a close bond with someone and a family... and therein lies the epiphany:
For some? There is happiness in the industry, because they're more self-centered than I am. Not judging here, just making an observation after pushing my talents for 15-20 years. I don't have that trait. I am happier focusing on others, and I have proven that to myself over and over the last 15 years. My lowest times were always when I was self-centered on my career and alone and the happiest times were when I was surrounded by love and focusing on others. It's why I have been married for so much of my adult life. I love that balance. I love that teamwork. I don't mind being alone, and have indeed had some of the best times of my life when I was alone, but I prefer being connected heart/soul/mind to another human being. My best traits come out in relationships. And I believe, that is why, I will never, ever, ever make it to a sustained national level of excellence in my career. I don't have that "thing" that triggers "happy" when I'm there. I do get sick of it. Remember the "I Me Mine" entry from 2009 when I was going through the Comedy Central stuff? Shoud've been on topof the world! But was sooooooo sick of documenting the all-consuming, self-centered "waiting" game of the industry. I was longing to focus on others.
And now we're here. I am beyond fortunate to have a real sense of "family" here in LA with Talya. Especially her mother, but also the extended family that have been incredibly giving and loving towards me. Something I never thought another family would take the time to do with me... and they have. I feel like I have it all, and am not wanting for anything. It does bring up one, tiny, caveat:
I've never had both at the same time. When I was with Jess (who was incredibly supportive and loving) I never had any career success. When I was kicking all sorts of ass with CBS, I was with the least supportive, most unbelieveably energy sucking person ever in Donna. It took every waking second of my free time to attend to her needs, 24-7. To this day, I have no idea how I pulled off CBS in that environment. And finally during Comedy Central I was single... and as I described in that entry from 2009? It was too much. Too much ME. So it does make me wonder... "What if I were to have a big career moment, now that I have such a tremendous support system and someone else to focus on?". That is the question that makes me even entertain the thought of career-stuff. But it's a thought. An action? Man. I... would rather do anything than re-edit my documentary for the film festivals. You know, like create an entire WORLD in my backyard to escape from my computer? Heh.
I will however write Talya a song. :)
HAHAHAHAHAHA. So me to not leave well enough alone, isn't it? The truth is that the comical side of everything never really leaves us. We're both pretty self-aware people, and that's what makes this so amazing. We have all that goin' against us and STILL rest just as soundly. Just as peaceful. Other people think too goddamn much. Other people don't really take the time to see us together. Other people are just that: other, people. We're so fortunate to have each other, so happy and at peace that those other people are colorful. We want to share with them. We want to hug them. 'Cause they're not pointing out anything we haven't giggled about. I mean, we wrote "WHAT THE FUCK?" on our wedding invitations KNOWING that this is exactly some people's reactions when they heard I was getting married again. <throws hands up> life is fun. Celebrate it.
Two more months. Giddy-up.