God I'm so sick of
this. I'm so sick of this constant self-centered
bullshit. That's really what "waiting" does to you.
You can't escape thinking about what you're waiting
for. It's all consuming. And the pressure to keep this
documentation of it all just adds to it. But of course
this is a bit more than just Comedy
...I like being in
a relationship because it fulfills part of me to help
others. And I don't mean like, volunteer work helping.
I mean that special connection where you can feel
someone's energy and be a mirror or a guide for them.
It's that supportive bond that is almost sub-conscious
when you're in a relationship. In a good relationship
- it's just second-nature.
It's funny, I was
thinking about my relationship with Donna (when the
hell is that court-date happening? I've gotten
nothing... hmmmm) and I remembered one of her
biggest problems was that she felt useless around me.
Her issues were so overwhelming - that was all of our
free time. I didn't have these massive pieces of
baggage for her to help ME through, and in turn - she
felt like a useless human being. That's what people
assume I had for HER through our relationship - this
need to "save" her. Ironically, it was HER who wanted
to save someone... and I just didn't need saving. I
just wanted her to be happy and told her point blank,
continually, that she needed to talk to someone
because I could not help her through this.
I could only promise to love her throughout, but
I did not have the answers. Lovely girl.
I miss her spirit. It's tragic, but all things
are tragic eventually. I hope she's
The point was that
it's nearly impossible for me to sustain a
self-centered existence for long. For so long, the
only thing in my life that was self-centered? Was this
site. And that was fine. The rest of the time was
spent focusing on my partner's needs. Concern for Jess
or Donna's happiness. It wasn't all selfless of
course, but I loved that aspect of my soul. I care
deeply and sincerely. Even now with my friends, I
think of their situations often - and it makes me feel
good when they call to talk to me about it. 'Cause
they know I care, and want what's best for them.
I think that's also the greatest part about having
what I explained before as the "quasi-romantic"
relationships from a great distance. They know I don't
want anything from them except for them to be happy -
and vice-versa. I don't expect a wife, a girlfriend, a
lover... they are moments in time that helps us get to
the next moments in our life - and it is completely
unobstructed by "expectations" that come with
...but at moments
like this? It can be lacking. I want to wrap
myself up in someone else's life at the moment.
I can take drama. I have a strong build,
strong character, and I have no problem taking on
other people's problems (that I have a connection
with) and being supportive. In fact, I need it. Hell I
just need to feel useful. LOL. And then I was reminded
of the song that was at one time (this changes
constantly as I get older), my favorite Beatles
song: I Me Mine. The melody really grabbed me as
a kid. Little did I know that in my present
mental state? Trying to sing it with the new
"Beatles: Rockband" game would turn it into
Goddamn it feels
good to sing like that sometimes. I'm very blessed to
be so "practiced" in my talents to be able to use them
to self-medicate at the drop of a hat. I'm no
different than a drug-addict. I've just found more
productive ways to "fix the hole" as Paul would say.
But I'm pretty sick of writing about it. Enough about
me already. GodDAMNIT.
Beatles: Rockband is really fun, really creative,
and really well done. They could've cheesed it up
pretty bad - but it's all dripping with bits of
goodness for Beatles fans. The graphics, though kinda
creepy, use random camera shots from beatles footage,
etc. and it's just a well thought-out game. Though - I
have to say, after watching the intro with the
anime-looking cartoon Beatles... I would've loved if
they had kept that style throughout. Friggin'
stunning. Alright, mom is coming tomorrow - and
I will happily make her play. :-)