entry locked until 10.19.09
11:11 AM, Wednesday, September 9th, 2009:
God I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of this constant self-centered bullshit. That's really what "waiting" does to you. You can't escape thinking about what you're waiting for. It's all consuming. And the pressure to keep this documentation of it all just adds to it. But of course this is a bit more than just Comedy Central...
...I like being in a relationship because it fulfills part of me to help others. And I don't mean like, volunteer work helping. I mean that special connection where you can feel someone's energy and be a mirror or a guide for them. It's that supportive bond that is almost sub-conscious when you're in a relationship. In a good relationship - it's just second-nature.
It's funny, I was thinking about my relationship with Donna (when the hell is that court-date happening? I've gotten nothing... hmmmm) and I remembered one of her biggest problems was that she felt useless around me. Her issues were so overwhelming - that was all of our free time. I didn't have these massive pieces of baggage for her to help ME through, and in turn - she felt like a useless human being. That's what people assume I had for HER through our relationship - this need to "save" her. Ironically, it was HER who wanted to save someone... and I just didn't need saving. I just wanted her to be happy and told her point blank, continually, that she needed to talk to someone because I could not help her through this. I could only promise to love her throughout, but I did not have the answers. Lovely girl. I miss her spirit. It's tragic, but all things are tragic eventually. I hope she's alright.
The point was that it's nearly impossible for me to sustain a self-centered existence for long. For so long, the only thing in my life that was self-centered? Was this site. And that was fine. The rest of the time was spent focusing on my partner's needs. Concern for Jess or Donna's happiness. It wasn't all selfless of course, but I loved that aspect of my soul. I care deeply and sincerely. Even now with my friends, I think of their situations often - and it makes me feel good when they call to talk to me about it. 'Cause they know I care, and want what's best for them. I think that's also the greatest part about having what I explained before as the "quasi-romantic" relationships from a great distance. They know I don't want anything from them except for them to be happy - and vice-versa. I don't expect a wife, a girlfriend, a lover... they are moments in time that helps us get to the next moments in our life - and it is completely unobstructed by "expectations" that come with relationships...
...but at moments like this? It can be lacking. I want to wrap myself up in someone else's life at the moment. I can take drama. I have a strong build, strong character, and I have no problem taking on other people's problems (that I have a connection with) and being supportive. In fact, I need it. Hell I just need to feel useful. LOL. And then I was reminded of the song that was at one time (this changes constantly as I get older), my favorite Beatles song:  I Me Mine. The melody really grabbed me as a kid. Little did I know that in my present mental state? Trying to sing it with the new "Beatles: Rockband" game would turn it into a scream-fest:
Goddamn it feels good to sing like that sometimes. I'm very blessed to be so "practiced" in my talents to be able to use them to self-medicate at the drop of a hat. I'm no different than a drug-addict. I've just found more productive ways to "fix the hole" as Paul would say. But I'm pretty sick of writing about it. Enough about me already. GodDAMNIT.
PS - Beatles: Rockband is really fun, really creative, and really well done. They could've cheesed it up pretty bad - but it's all dripping with bits of goodness for Beatles fans. The graphics, though kinda creepy, use random camera shots from beatles footage, etc. and it's just a well thought-out game. Though - I have to say, after watching the intro with the anime-looking cartoon Beatles... I would've loved if they had kept that style throughout. Friggin' stunning. Alright, mom is coming tomorrow - and I will happily make her play. :-)