Entry #1081
5:38 PM, September 29th 2010:
Man, you picked the wrong Facebook profile to post that on, ma'am.
I posted that Greg Giraldo passed away from an overdose he suffered a few days ago, and the first response was this:
 "i always find it hard to be sad for those that kill themselves with drugs. he was a funny man, its too bad he had to resort to drugs"
Nothing I hadn't heard before, and I responded softly...
 "As someone who has felt the depression this industry can put on you, and who came so very close to having no hope whatsoever - I guess I'm in a very special place to understand EXACTLY what this man went through. It hits so close to home with me from as recent as 2 weeks ago... I'm absolutely beside myself. Please try and understand how overpowering the pressures can be if you don't have a good support system around you. This is heartbreaking."
And then I sat on it for a minute. When I first heard Greg overdosed a few days ago, the spookiness from what had happened to me last month struck me. That horrible vision of my demise (inadvertently from the Indy video) foreshadowed this same tragic ending. Throw in earlier this month being... well, lower than I ever admitted? It was so tough to see a fellow entertainer overdose. Accidental or not, I get it. I really, really get it.
Then when he died and that was someone's first reaction? Again, I tried to respond softly... but I got pretty angry as the minutes passed. I knew what was coming. I grabbed the camera...
Quick aside - I shaved today simply because I got new headshots and I look so drastically different shaven, I simply have to have those headshots. No one forced me to do it as I was explaining in the video. What I was trying to get across was there's a very real possibility that that look sells, and I may end up going long stretches not seeing "me". I went through it with The Egos on CBS. I had to dye my hair and wax my eyebrows to be Spencer... and then go in each week and spray my hair brown and add eyebrows to be "Adam". It took 45 minutes to look like "me". You feel a little lost no matter how strong you are.
I know very little about Greg's career to know if that was what he was feeling. Obviously what has hit me so hard was that THIS MONTH, I was really, really in a bad place. I wasn't making that shit up about staring at the blue sleeping pills. I made several calls to friends but stayed vague as I didn't want to burden them... but the truth is? I simply couldn't wrap my head around why I should wake up the next day. It's frightening as hell to write about this knowing I'm repeating a time from 2002 that I thought I was well past. 2 more divorces and skyscraping career falls you're brewing a perfect storm, and here I was again. I'm lightyears away from that now... but it's IN ME. And when you have no support? When any friendly voice is 2000 miles away? When you have 10 HEARTBREAKING years behind you and no one in the industry will return a call (OR EVEN SAY THEY GOT THE DVD YOU SHIPPED THEM MONTHS AGO)? You, start, to, break. And to have ANYONE act dismissive of Greg Giraldo because he overdosed on drugs? As if you can barely stand to be sad for him? Oh HELL No. Nooooo. I will not respond softly to that. You will get an entire entry and video and I'll be damned if I'm gonna sugar-coat what happened to me out of embarrassment earlier this month. The overwhelming majority of people could, not, do, what, we, do. It's the definition of insanity. It is beating your head against the same wall hoping THIS time you'll crash it down. And for whatever reason, at 44 years old - Greg felt the need to resort to pills to try and get by.
Let me be incredibly honest and clear to those who know me and are reading this: I don't dabble in pills or drugs. I barely ever drink (Indiana Jones drinking contest aside) and my vices/issues have always been around food. So when I bring up relating to him? It was not because I'm self-medicating, it's cause I was ready to end it all. There would be no accidental in my case. I am now fully aware that the synapses in my brain will short-circuit if I don't have the support around me that I need. Sadly, I've been like this my entire life. I listened to an old audio journal when I was FIFTEEN and I was struggling with it then. I shit you not. Then of course the time in 2002, and now 2010. Of course now it takes an INORDINATE amount of heartbreak for me to get there... but it's there. And I've never been more determined to surround myself with loving people that will, not, let, me, fall...even when I can't be everything THEY need. I almost fell. I almost FELL.
I didn't though. I am here. I am stronger than I've been in a loooooooong time. As I said in the last entry my excitement comes not from any specific gig, those will come... it's from the feeling of SUPPORT. Personal AND career support. The lack of support with my career seems fictional. It's not. And it's not happening again.
Alright, gotta end this. To Greg's family I absolutely weep for you. I am so, so, heartbroken and I have to say that when I was in the place I was a couple weeks ago? Making those calls? Not one word could have been said to change my mind. I can't be more clear about this. At that point? You're lost. The guilt people feel for "not being there" when tragedy strikes is way too heavy. Inevitably for me it was thinking of the pain I would caused those loved ones I was hanging up on. Them thinking for a second had they just not been sleepy when I called, or had they not inadvertently joked with me not knowing the place I was in. However, that just means I wasn't there... yet. So to anyone reading this feeling that guilt because of a a similar moment? You have to stop. For anyone's brain to even rationalize suicide? There's a switched that has flipped. There's some synapses that simply don't fire right. I feel remarkably fortunate to know that... and to know that for the rest of my life, it's going to be a priority to surround myself with people that love me that are CLOSE to me. 'Cause I'm not leaving this industry. I have way too much to offer. I'm just gonna find better ways to cope.
To the precious people in my life that are across the country... I love you dearly. I cannot thank you enough for your outpouring of love. Lovely, your heart... lovely.