Giving up your dreams is a slow
process. Wheras you can decide to follow them in an
instant... letting go always takes time. It's becoming
more apparent that over the past few months my heart
is letting go of this. I won't know for certain
until some of the toxicity in my personal life is
gone, but this isn't the normal pattern where I let go
for a bit and pick it back up -- I've done that for
over a decade -- this is much bigger.
This is a legitimate life change
where you're so broken you have to turn off the
spotlight for good, because one more ounce of light is
going to melt your brain. It's in several locked
entries a couple months back. It honestly started at
the end of 2008 which is why SO much weight was
on Comedy Central. It made the moment bigger than it
was, because inside? I knew it was it. In fact,
I wrote that exact entry: "This
is It". But
at the time it was in utter disbelief. I knew Comedy
Central would work, so I could be open with the
"truth" of it not working... 'cause I never thought
I'd have to face it. 6 months later... I'm there. And
have been for a long time. I have no internal
drive to make this happen anymore. I am
absolutely sick of the story. I am sick of the
close calls, and don't even want to follow the leads
anymore. I want to be happy. I want peace...
my body ACHES for it. Every fiber of my being is
telling me to let it be. Pleading with me to let go.
It's not a figure of speech, it's literal - this is
killing me.
So I sat at the
piano, and my hands happened upon the chords to Let it
Be. A song I've known and sung my entire life as a
beautiful ballad... just ached out of me. If
this doesn't show you what a sacrifice these past 10
years have been? Nothing will. The pain literally
oozes out of every word...
In a perverse way, if that wasn't
actually me, it's fascinating how life can affect you.
It wasn't planned, it just was. Life hides in your
vocal chords. Your emotions take over and suddenly
it's a window to your soul. And every aspect of it is
pain. I'm crying in the midst of it... I'm absolutely
SCREAMING the words in parts. I've been hit so,
so, so hard these past few months and my body is
breaking.
I'm slowing down, and as opposed
to "writing" as I have in the past that it feels like
this journey ends on a guerney... I know it to be true
- and that I have to let go or I'm not gonna make it.
I'm actually a bit beyond 2002 now. I'm in an immense
amount of trouble, and the worst part is? I can still
act in front of people. I have a meeting with Jim
Mietus, my old producer at CBS, and I will be "on". I
will be the old Adam 'cause I only have to be for an
hour. I'm hoping he can help me out, and I will give
it my best - but I'm hanging on by a breath. My will
to get up each day is getting so faint - I cannot take
the weight of my ever-present past (thank you, Paul).
That's the real issue here. My life is a click away.
Every memory I have is in video form, and it's
identical to the moment I posted it... and it's too
much. The pressure is too much. And this career makes
it worse. That's why my entire being is telling me to
let it go. It can't possibly end well. Even when it's
good, it will eventually fade - and the pain of that
in a public light is just too much.
Of course the stalker is the final
kick in the face. And I don't care if he knows
it. I don't play games, I have never worried about
that - I tell the truth: he hurt me. At my lowest
point, I was forced to defend all I've ever stood
for to complete strangers that were fixated on
shutting me down... and they won. And in this
industry? It actually does matter what other people
think. 'Cause there is no scoreboard. If you win a
basketball game and critics say you played bad? Rolls
off you... you have the scoreboard. In this game? What
people think of you or your talents... all that
matters. And the writing is on the wall. The people
that matter? Just don't give a shit.
And I can't deal with it
publically anymore. It's one thing to go through the
heartaches, it's a WHOLE 'nother thing to to have to
be accountable to the public about it. Ya know why so
many entries are locked this year? Because a woman I
was seeing moved in in December and it has been a
disaster since day 3. And I'm too goddamned
embarrassed to share yet ANOTHER failure. It
doesn't matter that there wasn't a lot of stock in it,
that we both knew it was a bit of a risk, and we
figured "why the hell not"... no one bothers to hear
the details. 'Cause on paper? It's no one's fault, it
says nothing about either of us. We tried, it was
laughably dysfunctional from the beginning... then
unfortunately she lost her job and really had nowhere
to turn... and we're just making the best of it until
she can find a new gig. Again, not really a big
deal... I'll have a nice long self-analytical entry
about it soon enough, but it all adds to this toxic
environment that gets compounded by this self-imposed
web site. Which, when you have the longest streak in
the world? You're hard pressed to give THAT up... so
what you give up - is the theme. Something has to
give.
I can't believe I'm gonna throw in
the towel here (and I'm not even sure where or what
exactly that entails or how to start) but my body is
breaking down to a point of no return. Remember the
old question that has kept me going this long? "What
happens next"? I don't give a fuck anymore. I want it
to be over.
