I'm cracking a
bit. Part of it has to do with the last blacked out
entry, but that's a thinly veiled excuse. I'm pretty
lost, and I look back on a month where nothing has
gotten done and worse yet? No one is responding to
anything. Simply put - no one is as excited as I am
about the "irons" in the fire as I am and I'm
struggling to keep my belief level up... with ZERO
help. My ratio of work to good feedback is
nonexistent... no responses to the handful of DVDs I
sold/gave away - a complete drop in all "readership"
feedback - I'm pretty lost.
It's inevitable,
and I've mentioned this before: most readers can only
handle one fall. They get jazzed up with you, and then
get the 2x4 to the face (losing Comedy Central) and
they just say fuck this, and quietly fade away. You
gear up for the next round, attract newcomers and
rinse, repeat. Except this time, Adam seems to be
fading. I may be the king at being able to
function in a vacuum, but this is too much. It just
seems like the size of "The Journey" kills the the
attractiveness to it. People think, jesus - he's still
at it after this long? Pathetic. And I don't
necessarily disagree. It inherently makes me
forgettable.
It's just the
weight of 1000. The weight of crossing that marker.
The weight of absolutely no one responding to anything
I'm doing... and of course my personal life being
somewhat trying at the moment. I'm not sure I've ever
felt this "on edge" before. The reconnect with Jess
during the re-enactment shit was a giant reminder of
how much I've changed... for the worse. I feel like
I'm documenting my mental meltdown, and not being
particularly open about it. You know? Like I'm having
to leave shit out. That "drunken" video was
just... scathing. So fuckin' bad. And having to lock
it? Hide it? Means even The Journey isn't sincere
anymore. But I risk alienating everyone who has
ever cared about me by sharing that.
Something's gotta
give. Something needs to break. Woah... I just
realized something. I said the same thing at the
same time, a year ago - Entry
#850 - It's time to jump.
Please.
Yeah, that's
about exactly how I feel right now, but
unemployed to boot. Oh, yeah - that job thing. That
sales gig last year turned out to be a mirage. My
friend that stayed there a couple weeks after I came
to Columbus ended up leaving. Total mess. Though,
I now have two roomates to help with finances...
and christ I have to get into all that now too.
I just want to curl up in a ball. Next entry.
Promise. Full explanation.
All I can do
is end the entry exactly how I did a year
ago...
ENOUGH.
PLEASE SOMETHING. PLEASE. I'm
ready to jump. Just show me any,
fucking, direction.
