(If your computer can handle it please click this YouTube link and 'Watch in HD'. It's Incredible.)
5:15 PM, Friday, January 30th, 2009:
I'm really, really starting to go nuts here.
Call it adventure hangover, inauguritis - whatever... but I'm starting to lose my freaking mind at work. I do not belong. I am not doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and I haven't been for a long time. That was fine when I had never gotten the opportunity, but after CBS? After living it everyday for that long? Going backwards feels like peeling the skin off my taint.
There. That made me laugh. That didn't even take time to think of man... I just knew. Taint. It's exactly what this feels like. I am LOSING it.
I'm in the process of uploading old Journey videos to YouTube so people can actually go through the entire thing with as little effort as possible. Someone is actually doing that right now, and she's halfway through 2004 having downloaded all of the HD files without streaming. God bless her... but it's too much to ask. Unfortunately since I started putting them on YouTube in mid-2007 - uploading 7 1/2 years is ALSO too much to ask, but I'm known for doing that shit. Anyway, the reason I bring this all up is that guess what happens when you go backwards starting in mid-2007? (sigh) Yeah. You go through ALL of it. From Up & Adam to Price is Right to getting CBS to America's Got Talent to MSNBC and Let's Bomb Iran. Fuuuuuuuck. All those precious moments of the big breaks... all the incredible work. It's overwhelming. And then...
BAM. You're sitting in an office. Staring at a screen. Helping market... other people at a marketing/branding company. And you're barely doing that. You're not involved in anything creative - you're organizing and copying and pasting. You're doing it 40 hours a week (they decided to go back to that after one week at 30) and you're still $600 short every month. Simply put, you are spinning in circles and you're now praying to The Journey Gods. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?".
And it's not like I'm not making use of every, last, second to keep networking and getting my name out. And STILL taking shit from "friends" because I add too many people that I don't know? Oh my fucking christ don't get me started. Call me LA. Call me LA again. Fuck.
But you know, I met with a manager tonight who was so positive (about another company, but still) that you can't help but believe. You know? You just feel it. You just watch the guy's reaction to what I've done, to the demo I have - and you know it's special. He knows it's special. He called Laura before I even got back to the house. It's RIGHT FUCKING THERE... but I still go back to that goddamn cubicle and I'm tellin' you people - I'm gonna crack. I'm gonna crack.
And to all the people that work in cubicle's each day - please understand my position. Please understand being at the level of CBS and not just doing well, but leading the fucking way. Wearing 8 different hats and doing shit no one has ever done before. And your boss gets fired, and YOU have to go back to the 9-5? Only showbiz man. It's just... fucked. No other word. And I'm now to the point where I am really about to lose my shit if something positive doesn't happen. You know? Like no more: "I can't help... but this guy may be able to..." No more maybes. I'm sick of the town of Maybeville. Something positive. Even SMALL, but something that will allow me to think my career is moving somewhere...
...because now? It's an escalator. My whole "fall up the stairs" line? Well I'm doing that. I am going and going and going and promoting and creating and sharing and EVERYTHING... but the stairs are fucking MOVING BACKWARDS. Granted, I'd be worse off if I too wasn't moving, but ENOUGH.
ENOUGH. PLEASE SOMETHING. PLEASE. I'm ready to jump. Just show me any, fucking, direction.