ENTRY #230
YouTube and Feedback link added 12.22.07
12:31 AM, Tuesday, December 31st, 2002:
3 years ago:
"I find I'm so excited I can barely sit still to hold a thought in my head.
I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel.
A free man at the start of a long journey, whose conclusion is uncertain."
"I find I'm so exhausted I can barely sit still without "the fight" in my head.
I think it's the exhaustion only a beaten man can feel.
A beaten man in the midst of a long journey, whose conclusion is uncertain."
All I can say about those two quotes is...at least the end is the same. The conclusion is still uncertain. That means I'm still here, I'm still fighting, and part of me (somewhere) still believes. With that, all things are possible. But the fact remains the same: I am a beaten man right now. This year absolutely devastated me. And I can't tell you all how happy it makes me feel to know this is the LAST TIME I have to look at this GOD AWFUL GREEN background.
Looking back on the year, and especially the last few days - I'm realizing that "The Journey" itself has played an enormous role in my success/failure out here. It's more apparent every day why no one has ever attempted to chronicle life in such a fashion. So open, so public, and so honest. In an effort to show people an insight to my mind while on this "road", I've left myself open for so much. No matter how stupid or "psycho" the slashing tires is, it's most definitely tied to something within these entries. Anyone reading these entries realizes I did nothing aggressively, only to defend my position when things were made public - but that's neither here nor there now. People don't ever actually READ the entries. They get emailed certain entries. With no context - you can add your own.
Jess went up to feed Kerry's cat last night and someone tried to come in after her. Thank God she locked it right behind her. Jess called me and asked if I had just tried to come up and when I said no, we both got a little freaked out. I grabbed a bat and came up. Saw that Jess was alright, I was still pissed though. I decided to knock on the closest door (11:30 at night) and asked the person if they had just tried to open "that door" as I pointed behind me. "What door?" was the reply. (sigh) There's only one other door in the entire hallway. It was one of those "anger" moments where your vision is just a bit blurry. I'm just glad I had decided to put the bat OUT of sight before I knocked on the door. He said he was on the internet and hadn't moved. His wife/girlfriend (no offense to you, I simply don't know) was asleep and was just then coming to the door. The confrontation grew even more interesting as he told me someone in the apartment was emailing this guy my entries trying to fan the flames higher. All of this would be a nice little detective story, had someone not just tried to come after Jess. With that variable my survival instinct beats stronger than anything I've ever felt.
I ended up staying awake until 4 AM with a bat in my hand wondering the apartment complex, and "thinking". I only did this for about 30 minutes as I realized the sight of this would only add to the "gossip". My feeling is simple: protect my wife. Period. Apartments are a dime a dozen. I could give two shits about moving if it's in an effort to protect Jessica. The thought that something in this "Journey" led to what happened sickens me. I thought about simply locking every entry and giving them only to people in Columbus. It's still a possibility. I just feel no matter what it will always be found. Someone will sell me out. LOL.
I could just never speak of personal things again as well. Therein lies the rub of course. This whole incident is effecting me greatly right now. The tires being slashed, the stamps being ripped off, the incident a few nights ago...it is a form of terror indeed. The paranoid helplessness you feel does indeed wear on you. So I say nothing? That's the whole point of this chronicle. Readers see and feel the struggle. This is the kind of shit that can wear you down. It explains the above quote. I am worn down. On top of all the shit I've dealt with this year, you gotta throw this apartment bullshit in?
More than the physical threat, the person fanning the flames makes my blood boil. This is someone who simply wants me out, and is happy to help. And you know what man? I'll leave! LOL. Why the hell do you think I would stay? Scare my wife? Try to come in after her in the middle of the night? And why? When you look at the whole history of The Journey, the 2 things I did publically to deserve this is A) gave a movie online a 3 out of 5 saying the direction was poor (in which the editor was offended) and B) not shake "soiree-thrower's hand after he slammed my door. In which in a drunken rage he systematically lied to 20 people in the complex telling stories while I was gone. Of course it makes sense that someone should try to come in after Jessica in the middle of the night while she's alone when I've been SUUUUCH an asshole. Of course.
I believe it has more to do with the "marijuana guilds" in this apartment complex than anything. I've seen 2 complete enemies (and rightly so) hang out with each other, and lie straight to their faces simply because someone has a bag. Welcome to highschool. Anyway, to all those reading - "You win". Jess and I will be moving. It's not even getting a second thought honestly. I won't be terrorized. I look forward to finding a new place and starting over. The old addage proves true: Slash 5 tires, steal a spare, fan the flames, try to come in after my WIFE at midnight generally frighten people - and they'll move. LOL. You could say this is the price of "The Journey", but that's just bullshit. The Journey is not responsible for crazy people.
Anyway, onto the year that was:
Man how do you wax poetic about this year? That's all I did ALL YEAR. Wax, whine, moan - bitch, cry, sing BLAHHHHHHHhh. Believe me, I was JUST as annoyed with me this year as you all were. In an effort to keep it "real", I just whined all the time. LOL. Everything pre-June was legitimate. I should've gone to a hospital. I really needed to be taken somewhere as I was completely fucked up. The thoughts I had are completely baffling to me now. Never have I allowed someone to instill such immense self-doubt...the effect for which still lingers. Nothing but success will ever end that.
More than anything - as i said above - I'm BEAT DOWN. I am so drained. Every day seems like a test to beat me. I'm so depressed about my career/failing jessica/life in general, I finally get up and my tires are slashed. You know? It's all a test. And for once in my life I can truly appreciate:  "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". I think you have to be pretty damn low to truly understand what that line means. It's a nice cliche about minor struggles in life, but when you get past a 2002 like I did, you FEEL that line.
It's truly a year I want to forget. That made the year-end video REALLY fun. How do you make a video encompassing a year of SHIT? Creatively I guess. But it's over. Thank GOD it's over. Hell I'm just done talking about it. I don't want to think anymore about my final living palindrome year. Heh. Maybe I'll live to the ripe old age of 137. I'm so bizarre. I even ramble like a freak. Palindrome year?!?!
(sigh) Goodbye 2002.
original video file