ENTRY #226
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
"Healthy Perspective"
"I'm Soooooooo Gellin'"
"Fat Adam vs. Skinny Adam"
"Seth Greene hit on my wife"
"Xbox Live is the THE SHIT"
7:02 PM, Sunday, December 1st, 2002:
Seriously, I re-titled this entry 4 times, and then just said screw it: You guys pick. I assume the Seth Greene one will be the winner.
More than anything this year, The Journey has been about survival. Mental survival. Earlier, I showed a pretty massive kink in my armor, and cut my chances of making it out here from slim to none. What happened with Charlotte was bad, a disappointment, a nice kick in the pants - but it was my "head" that turned it into suicide. It was also this "Journey". Yup, hate to say it, but typing these entries added more to my stress level than anything. The responsibility I feel to "The Journey" to keep the story moving in a positive direction, made the Charlotte debacle nearly kill me. So first of all that shit has to change, and already has. Where was I?
Jesus I ramble. Anyway, this year has been filled with self-doubt over just how poorly I've come to handle disappointments. What used to be my strongest trait (turning negatives into positives) all but left me in February, and now if the tiniest thing goes awry - boom, I'm depressed. Then on top of all of that, I just have to THINK about this year - and POW, I'm gone. I'm a spineless amoeba wallowing in this self-hatred soup called life. <----That was a strange sentence.
So all of this is pretty bad. It's pretty much the last thing you need to make it in this city. You have to ROLL with the punches. You have to. When every plan you had, just crumbles...you get up and make new ones. The inconceivable to me: Meeting another Charlotte type manager - getting as invovled and as far along as I did with Charlotte, and then having the same thing happen again is COMPLETELY POSSIBLE. It's happened to many people out here. That's what they talk about when they say this city will kick your ass. But if you have any plans whatsoever of making it, you roll with it. The one determing factor in the ABILITY to "roll with it" of course is faith in yourself and your abilities: EGO. And unfortunately, along with everything else, I was stripped of every ounce of that in February. That can NEVER, EVER, happen again. And I am already finding that the old Adam is back...
You ask me in April of 2001 how important my weight was (when I hit 150), you'd find a pretty determined, confident man who had finally conquered a life-long demon. On December 1st, 2002 I've gained half the weight back. Yup. 175 is within my reach with one more trip to McDonalds. LOL. Why? Depression. Yeah - the "super-depression" makes you not eat, but normal depression? That just makes you not care. LOL. About what you eat, working out, none of it.
So I step on the scale the other day - expecting 163, and I see 172. What should've been a rather sad moment in my life - became a turning point. You know what my first, almost INSTANT thought was? "3 more pounds and I can do a short film with Fat Adam and Skinny Adam split screened. 25 pounds apart" Something I had wished I could do when I was 200, but now can at least do with half of it. I was excited again. It seemed I had a bit of purpose. A bit of motivation. It was the one missing trait that I completely took for granted all these years. My instinctual nature to take a negative situation, and immediately find a positive solution to it. So now, in a month or two, not only will I be back to my fighting weight - but I'll have a cool little short film about it. So I'm better of than I was before. Perfect.
Of course, that was easy. I have a manual written on how to lose weight, and all I have to do is ride a bike for 30 minutes a day and eat a strict diest of rice chicken and veggies. The excecution is kinda hard, but the ability to see that solution isn't. It's not like I could've done this very well with Charlotte. Actually, I did do it with Charlotte...remember? It was Marshall saying: "Imagine if you HAD gotten into Aspen and she was your manager." It was that bit of positive spin that I needed. Unfortunately, the bottom line was I had zero direction and the depression came anyway... Oh yeah, Aspen.
I left a message for one of the judges on Wednesday, hoping to simply be included in their pool of contestents for the one-man show. I may be too late, but I did everything I could think of to get in contact with them. It's not like their phone numbers are posted on a website. Luckily my agent was able to get me her phone and I left a message. Most likely they won't even get it until Monday, but last year they extended their November 30th deadline, so here's hoping I get another chance. Again, I'm not too concerned with it this year, as I believe now more than ever that Charlotte was completely clueless to what my chances were. I now believe I was barely in the running, and that Charlotte sheltered me from the truth about it to keep herself from looking foolish. It's funny, I had tiny inklings of that during that period (you can even read snippets of it in my entries if you read between the lines) but I always held out hope that I was just paranoid. Guess not. Either way, here's hoping I at least hear back from them. I bona-fide denial would certainly make me happy. To actually hear with my OWN ears that it was rejected would at least give me the INFORMATION I needed to take the next logical step. Having a go-between keep me out of the loop before really fucked up my instincts on what the next move was. I had no choice but to follow her lead. What a learning experience. And I can see that now.
Speaking of learning experiences, I've had 2 auditions since we last wrote! Can you believe it? WHY HAVEN'T I WRITTEN EARLIER!! Well, I made the choice before the first one, that I was not gonna do an entry for every audtion. I just can't take that. If something amazingly perfect for me hits (like the videogame show host), well yeah, I'm gonna write. But to be in a Dr. Scholls commercial, I'll just update you on. LOL. It could get quite tiresome to read about EVERY little thing.
As well, after how bad the first one went, I wanted to forget about it. And there you go, enter the #2 thing that showed me that I'm back to me again. I allowed something to roll off my back, that started to eat at me. The role was an ABC promo of a nervous man asking his girlfriend's father for what the audience thinks is his daughter's hand in marriage, only to find out he's just asking if they can move in together. It called for me to do the one thing, so far, that I suck at when it comes to acting: playing a nervous guy, but not look nervous about the audition. I will tell you know, I wasn't nervous in the least, but seriously clueless on how to not look it and follow these "uhh...welll....uhm, sir?" lines. It's comical to me now because I know the casting director just hated me. LOL. I even talked with the "Father" actor afterwards and he thought it was written a little stupid. It was a paradox to have the role call for a quirky man that was the opposite of the father, and then give him a bunch of lines to make him look like a nervous idiot. The trick of course is, you have to be a confident nervous guy. You exude confidence FIRST, and then add the traits. Confidence is key no matter what the role. As it is, I just fuggin' hate this type. I say, it's cause I do it too well. You can't doubt that I can act after seeing The Trinitrons, can you? Or are black guys, gay guys, surfer guys, smart asses, and egotists just easy roles? LOL. I dunno. But when I had to do the "Funkhousers" part earlier this year, I felt the same uncomfortableness with a nervous "teenager" role. Maybe it's cause I was NEVER this person, and have NOTHING to relate to. LOL. I was treated like an adult when I was 7. I was never uncomfortable around adults, I was never uncomfortable around girls - sure I get nervous, but it doesn't show too often. So when the role calls for that person, I play it very amateurishly. And I'll admit it - it's straight up me. I'm an amateur at that side of acting. I cannot play that role well to save my ass. I guess with a lot of practice, and hell even classes - I could find something to latch onto in my life experiences to help me out 'cause I suck at it.
And yes, that means that there was a part of EVERY Trinitron character that is in me somewhere. I was absolutely tapping into part of my psyche to play Spencer (shudder). Heh.
The next audition was pretty fun. It was for Dr. Scholl's gel inserts. 4 guys hangin' around goin' "Yo man, you gellin'?" "You best believin' I'm gellin'" "You gellin'" "You knoooooooooow I'm gellin'" Stupid shit. Then this one dude comes on and says "Hey guys, amd I gelling?" And we all make fun of him. Well actually there were lines, but dude kept talking over us cause he wanted to show off his improv skills. So we all were kinda forced to find different ways of saying that this guy wasn't gellin'. I have to give myself mad props for thinking up "G-E-L-L-NO!" to the tune of Jello's "J-E-L-L-O!", of course it can't be used, but it made everyone laugh. I guess I'll find out if I get called back for it Monday, but I am already well aware commercials mean shit. It's all about look. And I can't sit and worry about it at all. I go to every audition, I try my best, and I leave it RIGHT there. It's why I'm not gonna write about them all. I could conceivabley go on 100 of these things with no response. They're looking at 200 guys to sell their product and as you know from commercials, unless you're the DELL DUDE, you're just a face. Or you're a big name. Either way, I'm happy to be going on the auditions. It's what I should've been doing ALLLLLLLL last year when I had DICK to do because I finished The Trinitrons, and was beggin Charlotte for ANYTHING. Oh well, guess what - it's almost 2003, I need to shut the hell up about 2001.
One last time though. Here's another depression inspired song about how I'm a big fuckin failure - and nothing without Jess. LOL. The December 9th deadline for Jess to apply for classes will most likely come and go. She's not going to be able to start in January, and it'll most likely end up being the first week of March. I am finding I'm over and under quallified for everything I could do. I just don't have any contacts that can give me a shot at video shit without some serious experience.
Paddy got lucky, at one time we were in the same boat - and he got a tiny shot at this production house through a friend...and then from that job alone - it's kept his foot in the door. He's now doin' some pretty cool shit for shows like CSI and ER. WORD FOR HIM. I unfortunately don't have that resume, even though my tape is pretty cool. I will continue to hit the places, but unfortunately I'm gonna HAVE to start very low on the ladder, and it won't be enough to allow Jess to quit. That's the killer. But you know what, that's probably what's gonna happen. Jess will have to wait a bit before I can amass the INCOME POWER of what hse has right now, and she understands that. I've been trying to get it all in one shot, but it's just not realistic. God I wish I could just do menial work. I actually enjoy it. I worked at Boston Market this week with her. Long ass 12 hour days during Thanksgiving week. I loved it though. There's something about restaurant work that must just be in my blood. I like preparing food to the highest quality, I like being FAST AS HELL on the line, and I take mucho-pride in my work. Unfortunately, I can't work for Jess other than emergencies because of "the rules" at Boston Market, but I must say - she's wonderful to work for. She knows her shit. She knows what she's doing. You want to work for her. I wish she didn't hate it so goddamn much, because she's REALLY, REALLY good at it. But I know how she feels. It's just the curse of the multi-talented. LOL. Everyone who notices one of my talents thinks THAT is what I should do for the rest of my life, when I know my heart isn't into it. So me sitting there telling Jess she should continue doing this because she's good at it...HA! How ironic. Then again, if more celebs hit on her she may rethink things.
So Seth Greene comes in on Thanksgiving to get some sweet potatoes. Before you make fun of someone for not cooking on Thanksgiving - dude just got some side dishes. Unlike the HUNDREDS of other people who had their entire thanksgiving meal done by us. That just blows my mind. Anyway, it was taking a little time (he ended up being very cool and taking some preprepared chilled ones), and he was talking to Jess. I was hanging around kind've enjoying my anonymity. Jess's ring was actually hidden from view from him, and I didn't have mine on (always scares me when working that it'll fall off). So he asks her....oh wait - you all know who he is right? Dr. Evil's kid in Austin Powers? And a myriad of other funny as hell roles, but I would assume that was his biggest. But anyway - he asks her "So what're you doing after this?" Jess just kinda stood there not knowing what to say. LOL. He then says: "Well, I guess something with family...right?" "Yeah..." she coyly said. LOL. It was all very funny. I told her she should've at least gotten his phone number. That could be valuable. LOL. Oh well, it was all very funny. He was extremely nice though. I don't know if I would've paid the same price for a chilled side that I would have to go home and cook. Only in LA man...
And finally, have you actually read all this?...Xbox Live. The next evolution in console gaming (gaming that is hooked up to your TV, not PC) is Xbox Live. It's an online gaming network with voice communication as good as a phone. It's absolutely UNREAL. Not only can you talk unlimited for free, it's a broadbad only network. So you don't have 56k lines slowing down things. Everything runs smooth as hell, and it's hard to believe that you're actually playing online with someone 2500 miles away. Anyway, Marty Moose actually bought an Xbox, and Roadrunner Cable - JUST for his Xbox. He doesn't even own a computer. So needless to say we were both pretty excited about being able to play games together from so far apart.
It's been incredible. Far exceeding my expectations. Well last night we had a game to end all games. It was NFL2K3. I was Chicago of course, and he was the Steelers. We've both been lifetime fans of both teams and FINALLY, they're both EQUAL and very GOOD one year in a videogame. That has never happened. I've been beating his ass pretty good, but he did get me once 20-14. We play ranked games, which means our records get uploaded to the network and everyone can see how much you suck, or kick ass. So we take this shit serious as hell. Add to all of this, Kerry's parents were in town and were over watching. They were both in awe of how good the game looked and the technology of talking over this headset to some dude in Ohio. We played a little with her dad and me taking on Marty (quite funny considering he ran the wrong way each time) and finally her dad just said he wanted to watch us play a "Real" game. I warned them that, I usually dont do this in front of people as I kinda lose my shit when playing. They said that's exactly what they wanted to see. HAHAHA. Good sports. Her dad also hated the Bears so was going to be rooting for Marty. So the scene was set. An audience and everything.
Marty and I were obviously nervous as our defense was pathetic. Our games are usually defensive struggles, but in the first quarter alone we scored 17 points. I startred with a Field Goal, Marty returns with a TD, and with 10 seconds to go I hit my own TD and I'm up 10-7 going into the 2nd.
To start the 2nd, I hit another TD to go up 17-7, and I'm thinking I've got this in the bag. It's rare to go up this much even in the 2nd Quarter, but Marty went on one helluva run for the next quarter and a half hitting 3 straight TDs (2 running TDs with Bettis - one run up the middle for 53 yards - insane) and is now up 28-17.
We're now deep in the 4th Quarter and I'm compeltely embarrassed as I got all this audience and Marty's whoopin on me. I mean a 53 yard run up the middle? DAAAAAAMN. What follows however rivals the Ohio State Michigan game.
I drive the field and on 4th and 3 with 2:35 to go in th game I elect to kick a 43 yard field goal. It hits the FUGGING CROSSBAR, goes straight up, and then falls OVER the bar and I get the 3. Unbelieveable. So I'm now down 20-28. With all my timeouts, and a good defense, I Just may get it back. Marty however, sets up for an onside kick! Before he can realize his mistake, I kick it over his head. It was a weak kick, but because he wasn't ready - it goes right behind him and bounces to the 10 yard line. We're both screaming our heads off. Amazingly - I stop that BITCH Jerome Bettis and he had to punt. I couldn't believe my luck. I now get the ball back with 1:55 to go and a TD and 2 point conversion will tie it. It's a stretch, as I've never completed one against him - but I have life. A few out patterns and I've gotten all the way down to the 5 and actually score with 1:27 to go. Way too fast. I couldn't help it, but there was too much time on the clock. So it's 26-28 and I'm going for 2. It was about as intense a gaming moment I've ever had in my entire life. Somehow, over the middle - I hit it. It's now 28-28, marty gets the ball 1:20 on the clock.
Not only does he get it, but he's movin'. He's running the clock smart, hitting his passes and moving into field goal range. He's at my 40 yard-line with all his timeouts and 30 seconds on the clock. In the greatest moment ever, I INTERCEPT THE FUGGING BALL, and run it back to my 30 yard line. Can you imagine it? We were both losing it - Kerry's parents were screamin'. It was NUTS. I was shaking and sweating so bad. It was absolutely incredible. But it's still not over. A 47 yard Field Goal is pretty risky - so I have to get it closer. On 3rd down I friggin complete a pass and get out of bounds with 11 seconds left in the game and I'm set up for 35 yard field goal to win it. BOOM. I hit it I'm up 31-28 with :11 seconds.
It ain't over.
I kick it off to him and he lets it go out of bounds so he starts at the 20. He throws a hailmary and amazingly - his guys is WIDE open. He's not only catching this, but he's got plenty of room to run to end this....dude drops it. It was so close. I almost threw up. Seriously, both Marty and I were sick to our stomachs we were so nervous. It was...AWESOME. So with 1 second on the clock (HELLO OSU-MICHIGAN), he throws it up and it's incomplete...
...but there's a PASSSS INTERFERENCE CALL. !!!!! A game can't end on a defensive penalty even if there's no time on the clock. So he gets the ball at midfield with time for one more play with :00 on the clock. (sigh) Oh cruel, cruel fate. Deciding he can't make a 67 yard field goal - he goes for the TD and finally my defense comes through and it's incomplete.
I was spent. It may have been the most entertaining thing Kerry's parents saw in LA. It was so intense.
Anyway - My gamertag is Adam4tvs for any of you who have Xbox Live. You can put me on your list and challenge me to a game of NBA2K3 or NFL2K3. Marty is MartyMoose. I highly recommend trying to get the setup if you're into gaming at all. The Xbox already had the modem, you just buy the headset pack and broadband connection. If you already have boradband you're halfway there. The GameCube is still my favorite console, the games are simply better for it, but this online network is an absolute revolution. Hopefully Nintendo follows suit. What a time to be a gamer.
So there you have it. This may compete for the longest entry ever. Things are good though. I shoot "Fat Adam" tomorrow. Got a bunch of ideas for the short and will just do a shitload of scenes and then when I've lost the weight I'll finish 'em up. We'll see what we get. I hope to shoot "Skinny Adam" in the 3rd week of January. It's all quite funny isn't it? Why am I doing this? Why the hell not. I don't want to waste the opportunity for comedy - and my fat ass is funny right now. And it's only funny if a skinny me is making fun of it. LOL.
So strange. I have to make it in this town. I'm just too weird.
PS - had to throw this anecdote in. Kerry's parents are from Alabama. Nicest people on the earth. So Jess and I were talkin' with them - and the dad "Skipper" was talking about a guy he knew with a kickass sound system...in a mobile home. That actually isn't the joke. He even thought it was funny that the guy lives in a mobile home and had all this equipment. So I asked him, "Wow, does he lock it?"
"Yeah, he loves it"
Now that's a sitcom moment waiting to happen eh?
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