ENTRY #192
YouTube and Feedback link added 02.11.09
 
1:33 PM, Wednesday, April 10th, 2002:
 
That's a damn good "AHHHHHHHH". Finally. After 4 months of HELL. There is one, positive light.
 
Now, this may be all there is. This could just be one audition, this could just be another letdown - but right now SHUT UP. Let me enjoy this. Let me feel like I've just played "The Comedy Store" for ONE DAY. K? Let me lose my mind as I have in this video for just a tiny bit. I have 4 months to make up for. I am most certainly blowing this event way out of proportion. I know that. I'm being rash, arrogant, and stupid to be so happy. SO. WHAT. LOL. With that being said, how's this for a story:
 
So Charlotte and I are talkin' on an instant message about the disillusionment of our manager/client relationship. As I said, it's been very difficult to get to that point. She mentions how she was looking in the
 
GODDAMNIT. 5 POP CANS ON MY DESK, 1 FULL.
GUESS WHICH ONE I KNOCK OVER. AHHHH. HANG ON.
 
Jesus, I just got made fun of for saying "pop". Apparently it's "soda" out here and only 80 year olds say pop. Whatever. So where the hell was I... Here I'll just give you an excerpt of the IM:
 
Charlotte: and I bet it helps that your new found video game case business is keeping you busy, right?
Adam4tvs: hahaha
Adam4tvs: it's pretty mindblowing actually
Adam4tvs: It doesn't necessarily keep me busy, but it's bringing in some money
Charlotte: funny I read about that and then how MTV was looking for a host with video game knowledge
Adam4tvs: didn't we send in for that?
Charlotte: well that's nice...that was E!..MTV is new
Adam4tvs: or was that sci-fi
Adam4tvs: E
Adam4tvs: right
Adam4tvs: well shit Charlotte...
Adam4tvs: what the hell do I do now?
Adam4tvs: LOL
Charlotte: lol
Adam4tvs: like dangling bacon in front of a DOG
Charlotte: sorry, hell now you know what it feels like when I go through the breakdowns every day
Adam4tvs: jesus you're right
 
So I saw her side, she paid a BUNCH of money for these breakdowns (faxes for agents and managers about upcoming auditions) and now she can't even use them, and of course - FUCK I'd be perfect for this. Well the next day she calls me and says she went ahead and submitted me. She said whatever happens, happens - but it was shitty of her to bring it up knowing how friggin' excited I'd be about it. Totally, totally, cool. I knew it wouldn't garner anything, but it was a very cool gesture by someone who was feeling quite "fucked over" by me walking away. She most certainly didn't need to do that, and went the extra mile. Even wrote a nice cover letter along with my headshot:
 
Per the Breakdowns, I want to submit my client Adam Kontras for the host of the Untitled Video Game Project you are casting. Adam is the perfect candidate for the job for the following reasons:
 
-Rabid gamer with extensive knowledge of video games, from the old to the newest of the new and owns all of the current video platforms - Playstation 2, Cube and X-Box, as well as a classic Ms. Pac-Man machine.
 
-Staff reviewer for PlanetGameCube.com, a popular on line magazine for the Game Cube and will be attending the E3 convention where the newest in gaming technology is unveiled.
 
-Nintendo's Game Cube games are mini-DVs that come in cases that are much too large for it's contents. Perturbed by this packaging annoyance, Adam started Minicases.com where he sells minicases for all Game Cube titles.
-Adam is an experienced radio talk show host, good with improvisation and is quick on his feet and with his wit.
 
-Pop culture junkie.
 
This is your man! If you need any additional information, please feel free to call me.
 
So you better believe I was SHOCKED to get a phone call from her today saying they want me to come down to MTV tomorrow and talk with one of the producers. In fact when I hung up the phone, I experienced something that has been oh so missing in the year 2002: joy. In fact it quickly escalated to the next level of elation in about 2.3 seconds. Had to call everyone that would give a shit and be excited. And although I know I'm going overboard, I have more reason to be excited than just being called back for an audition. Sometimes, you're just RIGHT for a part. I mean, are you kidding? Did I not just write the "Digital Crack" entry? Showing a video of a FREAK and his wife addicted to games? Am I not making a business out of selling MiniCases for GameCube games? Do I not live, and BREATH videogames? From my Ms. Pac-man table to every damn console. It's my one true addiction. I OWN THIS MUTHA. How nice to be able to walk into MTV tomorrow afternoon and KNOW it's yours. Of course the chances of me getting this gig are very, very slim. But it makes no difference - this bitch is mine. They obviously saw my headshots, so I guess I'm the MTV look they want - now it's just up to my gaming knowledge and comfort in front of the camera. HELLS YES. That wasn't a typo btw. LOL.
 
As well there's an audition for an Improv group this Ssturday that I'm preparin' for. Yes, I know, not my most favorite thing on the earth - but I NEED a schedule. I need something to sink my teeth into every week. I need the excercise. Hell, half the reason I was so happy about the MTV thing?!?! I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO GO TOMORROW! LOL! I have an appointment for 11:30 tomorrow afternoon. Someone is expecting me!!! DAHHH!! I haven't needed to be anywhere in sooooooooooo loooooooooooong. I'm human now! I have a car now! I will drive MY CAR, to an APPOINTMENT, TOMORROW! Sad isn't it? So little to get me excited.
 
And yes, I'm wearin' my heart on my SHOES at this point. But that's me. And that's what reading "The Journey" is all about. I don't hold back. I don't think too damn much before I write things. I say what I feel, and what this all REALLY feels like. The Journey is filled with contradictions left and right, just like everyone has. DOH! Good segue:
 
Charlotte was givin' me a little grief about the "soiree-thrower" entry where I said I held myself to a higher moral standard, yet had he been a powerful casting director, I'd probably let him walk all over me. She said that was hypocritical. You know what?
 
IT IS.
 
Welcome to life. Everything is a struggle. I try to be as moral as I can, but in certain cases - fuck no, I'm gonna look out for me. If a casting director was disrespectful to me, but then offered me a role in a TV show? I'M TAKING IT. I wish I had the moral fiber to keep that from happening. I wish I could demand to be treated with respect from eveyrone on the planet. I can't right now. I'm way too low on the scale of things to turn that shit down. That doesn't mean I'm not trying. I am well aware that there's many, many things wrong with that entry. Hell, with the entire "soiree-thrower" fiasco - I'm certain I will look back on it all and cringe. But that, is what makes "The Journey" different than anything in the world. It's real-time. It's real-honest. And sometimes that sucks.
 
I mean, do you know how badly I want to take down the bathtub video? Any idea how painful that is for me? You do realize that there was nothing "produced" about that, right? I simply set-up a camera while I took a bath and talked about how things were going. FOR ME TO SEE, not to post. But then something happened. I imagined what it would be like to have a gun in my mouth. I was able to see myself on the tiny camcorder screen and it scared the FUCK out of me. It was the lowest point of my life...and good GOD - it was on TAPE. I proceeded that day to find every pill (about 12 bottles of pain pills) in the house and truly contemplated ending it. That's amazing to me. That, is "The Journey". From the honest and sincerity of last November, to this March. Now I could hide the bad parts. I could've kept that video private. Many sides of me still feel I should've. But if I'm gonna do this, I'm going all the way - as long as I can. Eventually, "The Journey" online, will end. But I'll be damned if I hold back the biggest moments because they hurt. Or because they're embarrasing, or because I look hypocritical. If I start to "lock" those moments, this is worthless.
 
Didn't I say I was done talking about that shit? (sigh). I still think about it, because I know a lot of you feel like I'm "creating drama" by putting up a video like the bathtub. It's those kind of thoughts that ran through my head when I was at my lowest. That no one would ever believe my unless I did end it. They'd all think I was just being over-dramatic, and that I didn't REALLY feel that way. Maybe that's the curse of the creative person... People assume you're always creating. What a story man. This whole thing 192 entries later has become such an oddity. It's such a character study. And I play all these parts (imagine that). It's like when I'm writing the entries, I'm a reader, an analyst, a critic, a DICK, a supporter. So strange.
 
Wow, I'll stop now. There will be an entry tomorrow. All we can do is hope.
 
Adam
 
original video file
 
APRIL 2002
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