ENTRY #189
 
12:21 AM, Monday, April 1st, 2002:
 
Where the hell do I start this. ... ... Ok, this afternoon I went to get a hammer out of my trailer to fix some things around the house. Not only wasn't my hammer there, my trailer was gone. No joke. Unfortunately this story doesn't end like the "towing" story many of you remember from way back in 1999. It wasn't towed...it was stolen. Get ready for one helluva rant. The bottom line is, I simply cannot come up with the nearly $6000 to replace the trailer and equipment, and my insurance doesn't cover a thing because I had no garage to store it in. Not only can't I afford it, it really puts a spotlight on if I SHOULD replace everthing...
 
I won't sit here and make accusations of what I think happened. This is a gated parking lot and only residents have access to it. As well, I actually had a lock ON the hitch...but apparently that was no match for whomever wanted it. They simply backed a car or truck up to it, and calmly drove off. The worst part? I have NO IDEA when it was missing. I haven't had a FREAKIN' show in 2 months. I told the police that I saw it 2 weeks ago when I was lookin' for J-Dog one night, but that was a complete guess. The bottom line is absolutely everything has been pawned by now. There's not a chance in hell of getting anything back. I'd start checking the pawn shops - but it could've been stolen nearly a month ago... Fuck me.
 
I know exactly what you're all thinking... this doesn't have to be the end of 4tvs. I can find a way to put it back together and continue this. If there was one shred of evidence that 4tvs had any possibility of helping me make it, I'd absolutely agree. Hell I'd consider this just one helluva bump in the road. The bottom line is that in the nearly 3 years I've performed 4tvs, it's gotten me nothing but a few pats on the back. Impressive? Yes. A vehicle for success? No.
 
And before I lose my mind thinking about just how horrible this is, I need to look at one positive: Had this not happened, I'd be following my dreams with ONLY 4tvs forever and ever until I gave up. Now, I have to find a new way. This forces me to reinvent myself. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the only goddamn way I would ever realize that 4tvs was never gonna get me anywhere.
 
Ok, so that's my nice spin on it. I need to vent for just a moment.
 
FUCK. ME. I can pull my little "positive spin doctor" routine all I want, but the bottom line is - this is easily the low point of my life. Jess is absolutely CRUSHED. I haven't even called my friggin' father. I can't even bear to hear him try to be positive right now. This couldn't be worse. Since November of 1998 I've spent every second of every day working on this project and now it's been ripped from me. AND GODDAMNIT - right at the moment when I needed something positive the most. It really is one of those situations that is SO bad, it's almost poetic. It makes you believe in a higher power. If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
 
Fuck that, I don't believe in that crap. There was no "reason" this happened other than some FUCK wanted to screw me and did. It had to be an inside job, but the fact that it could've been ANY TIME in the last MONTH absolutely kills any chance of figuring this out. Could I put it back together? Trailer's about $2000, equipment around $2500-$3500. Jesus...for WHAT. For a festival I may not get into? For an idea that has done NOTHING FOR ME? No, this is ove.r this is done. I remember back in May of 1999, someone tried to break into my house where I had all my equipment. Had that happened then, there'd be no 4tvs. I never would've replaced them. Had it happened 6 months later, I'd have found a way because there was still untapped potential...
 
...but now 4tvs is tapped out. I have no idea what I wold do with the TVs even if I had them...
 
Goddamnit I can't BELIEVE this happened. What am I without 4tvs?!?! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SITE?!?! What does 4tvs.com mean now?!!? FUCK. GREAT, I never thought of that. 4tvs.com. My friggin' LICENSE PLATE says 4tvs.com. I have to replace them. I HAVE TO. But why? What's the point? Is that what I do for the next few week? Try to think of a good enough reason to rationalize another $5-6000 investment? I'm totally stuck here. My heart wants 4tvs SO BAD. I always dreamed that one room in my house would always have the set-up ready. So at any moment I could relive a few moments of my past. Even when I've moved past 4tvs, I wanted to have them to perform from time to time. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Even if it takes 5 years, I will piece back together everything. Then when I get a house, I will have them again. But for the immediate future - I'm SCREWED. What the HELL am I gonna do now. FUCK.
 
Alright, well there's not a whole lot to add here. I could say fuck about 500 more times, and that's not gonna change anything. I'll leave the rest of the "fucks" to you. You who didn't bother to read the date before you read this. Three. Straight. Years.
 
Adam
 
 
APRIL 2002