Adam Kontras.com - Letting Go...





al 11:44 PM, Sunday, August 28th, 2005: I have to assume these drastic swings will die down in September, but I have assumed that at the beginning of every month this year - only to look back in amazement at all that occurred in such a short amount of time. I have to admit though, this story intrigues the hell out of me as a reader. Living it has been the hardest thing I have yet to do in my short 30 years on this planet, but watching myself as a character in a book go through so many life changing events is again, intriguing. Not exciting or gripping…it's like seeing a commotion in the distance. You have to keep walking just to see. It could be a guy having a heart attack waiting for paramedics or it could be a street performer…you just have to keep walking. Wow, that is this journey in a nutshell: Death or a performance. LOL. Onto the meat: I don't believe I'll ever be able to fully express what sort of "processing" it took for me to accept ending this journey a month ago. It's the type of soul-searching, life re-evaluating process that is so exhausting it takes all of your power to get through it. But I did, and at the end I was able to look in the mirror and say unequivocally that I simply did not care about pursuing an undefined career at the expense of those that I love and care about. Now, I could write that sentence 1,000 times, but I don't believe anyone will truly believe me. Why? Because after 6 years, people still skim over the most crucial part of my life: There are two "artistic" journeys here and they barely resemble each other. Perfect example: I was IMing a friend who also knows Jess. I knew the two had talked about all of this, and as well she read the site. She came straight out and said I was lying to myself if I thought I could give it up. Music, performing, creating - it's all I am. (sigh) When did I EVER say I was giving that up? What does that have to do with "making it"? What makes people think that Hollywood has anything to do with ART? ROFL. It's a game. It is literally Tetris with fancy cars. It's taking your talents and manipulating them in such a fashion that it hits the right chord with the suits. It has nothing to do with the wonderful process of growing as an artist. Everyone reading has to understand that difference. It still took every power of reasoning I had to let go of the "other" journey. It was something simmering all through June and July leading to the entry on July 12th saying "This will be the end". I would give "Shades" a chance, but barring the miraculous, I was done - I was going home. Even surprising me however, was that at the HEIGTH of "shades" (the Black Eyed Peas show) I knew then. I remember talking to Jess the night before and her being sooooooooo excited for me yet I just said point blank: "I don't care. I want to come home. You can't fathom how far all of this is from my heart." As we know however, this all happened right before Jess met someone at the end of July and there was no longer a "home" to go to. It is such a jarring reality in my head - I'm still trying to work through it. It's like having one opportunity in your entire life to go skydiving, finally getting the nerve to jump and the door is welded shut. So, you don't jump… but then what? I now live in LA, not to pursue a career in entertainment, but just because it's where I live. Hell my biggest draw to this city now is helping Cassi pursue her dreams. I light up like a Christmas tree when I see her get excited about the different things she's pursuing. She was a background dancer for a hip-hop show called "The Drop" on Si TV out here in LA. Trying to do some voice-over work, even got to be on Fear Factor Live at Universal Studios. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing her excited. I'm sure it's much like how Jess must have felt when we first came out here. God the irony… And to top it all off, I'm not sure I've been happier in years. The weight of the journey was unbearable to me and without it - I can't stop smiling. I sat in our wading pool Saturday smiling so big I almost have tan lines on my cheeks. I can watch the "Shades" relationship implode in a way only possible in Hollywood (or Mars), yet still smile, write a silly song - and offer her a hug. I just don't care anymore. My heart isn't there. I'll continue to spend my time decompressing from 5 years and 8 months of unbridled stress. Write a few songs, have a few laughs, cook a burger on the grill, play with the dogs, hug cassi until she's annoyed with me (lol), nap in the afternoon, see just how slowly I can walk and talk throughout my day while everyone else rushes, giggle at the fact no one believes me, drink a beer, sing to the sun, think of ways to make Cassi smile, call loved ones, watch sunsets and relax. I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go 'round and 'round. No longer riding on the Merry Go 'Ro-HOUND…. (lol). So it begs the question of why I will even continue updating this. Truth be told, I'm very close to stopping that altogether as well. This was intended to show what it felt like to make it in LA. Without that "push" this is just like any other blog and I'll be damned if I fall into that drowsy community. Shooooooooot me. No I keep it going because I've come to learn one thing from "The Journey"…it's that it doesn't matter what the hell I say - it has a life of its own. Breathe Deep. Adam PS - Yeah, see this stupid-ass movie? THAT's what you get when I'm relaxed and not "pushing" anymore. SUUUUCKS. LOL. "Movin' On" with shots of the ocean. Very gripping Adam. Way to break your music streak this month. ;-)

11:44 PM, Sunday, August 28th, 2005: I have to assume these drastic swings will die down in September, but I have assumed that at the beginning of every month this year - only to look back in amazement at all that occurred in such a short amount of time. I have to admit though, this story intrigues the hell out of me as a reader. Living it has been the hardest thing I have yet to do in my short 30 years on this planet, but watching myself as a character in a book go through so many life changing events is again, intriguing. Not exciting or gripping…it's like seeing a commotion in the distance. You have to keep walking just to see. It could be a guy having a heart attack waiting for paramedics or it could be a street performer…you just have to keep walking. Wow, that is this journey in a nutshell: Death or a performance. LOL. Onto the meat: I don't believe I'll ever be able to fully express what sort of "processing" it took for me to accept ending this journey a month ago. It's the type of soul-searching, life re-evaluating process that is so exhausting it takes all of your power to get through it. But I did, and at the end I was able to look in the mirror and say unequivocally that I simply did not care about pursuing an undefined career at the expense of those that I love and care about. Now, I could write that sentence 1,000 times, but I don't believe anyone will truly believe me. Why? Because after 6 years, people still skim over the most crucial part of my life: There are two "artistic" journeys here and they barely resemble each other. Perfect example: I was IMing a friend who also knows Jess. I knew the two had talked about all of this, and as well she read the site. She came straight out and said I was lying to myself if I thought I could give it up. Music, performing, creating - it's all I am. (sigh) When did I EVER say I was giving that up? What does that have to do with "making it"? What makes people think that Hollywood has anything to do with ART? ROFL. It's a game. It is literally Tetris with fancy cars. It's taking your talents and manipulating them in such a fashion that it hits the right chord with the suits. It has nothing to do with the wonderful process of growing as an artist. Everyone reading has to understand that difference. It still took every power of reasoning I had to let go of the "other" journey. It was something simmering all through June and July leading to the entry on July 12th saying "This will be the end". I would give "Shades" a chance, but barring the miraculous, I was done - I was going home. Even surprising me however, was that at the HEIGTH of "shades" (the Black Eyed Peas show) I knew then. I remember talking to Jess the night before and her being sooooooooo excited for me yet I just said point blank: "I don't care. I want to come home. You can't fathom how far all of this is from my heart." As we know however, this all happened right before Jess met someone at the end of July and there was no longer a "home" to go to. It is such a jarring reality in my head - I'm still trying to work through it. It's like having one opportunity in your entire life to go skydiving, finally getting the nerve to jump and the door is welded shut. So, you don't jump… but then what? I now live in LA, not to pursue a career in entertainment, but just because it's where I live. Hell my biggest draw to this city now is helping Cassi pursue her dreams. I light up like a Christmas tree when I see her get excited about the different things she's pursuing. She was a background dancer for a hip-hop show called "The Drop" on Si TV out here in LA. Trying to do some voice-over work, even got to be on Fear Factor Live at Universal Studios. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing her excited. I'm sure it's much like how Jess must have felt when we first came out here. God the irony… And to top it all off, I'm not sure I've been happier in years. The weight of the journey was unbearable to me and without it - I can't stop smiling. I sat in our wading pool Saturday smiling so big I almost have tan lines on my cheeks. I can watch the "Shades" relationship implode in a way only possible in Hollywood (or Mars), yet still smile, write a silly song - and offer her a hug. I just don't care anymore. My heart isn't there. I'll continue to spend my time decompressing from 5 years and 8 months of unbridled stress. Write a few songs, have a few laughs, cook a burger on the grill, play with the dogs, hug cassi until she's annoyed with me (lol), nap in the afternoon, see just how slowly I can walk and talk throughout my day while everyone else rushes, giggle at the fact no one believes me, drink a beer, sing to the sun, think of ways to make Cassi smile, call loved ones, watch sunsets and relax. I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go 'round and 'round. No longer riding on the Merry Go 'Ro-HOUND…. (lol). So it begs the question of why I will even continue updating this. Truth be told, I'm very close to stopping that altogether as well. This was intended to show what it felt like to make it in LA. Without that "push" this is just like any other blog and I'll be damned if I fall into that drowsy community. Shooooooooot me. No I keep it going because I've come to learn one thing from "The Journey"…it's that it doesn't matter what the hell I say - it has a life of its own. Breathe Deep. Adam PS - Yeah, see this stupid-ass movie? THAT's what you get when I'm relaxed and not "pushing" anymore. SUUUUCKS. LOL. "Movin' On" with shots of the ocean. Very gripping Adam. Way to break your music streak this month. ;-)