Adam Kontras.com - Smiley Girl...





locked until 09.03.05
1:47 AM, Saturday, August 20th, 2005: This is the most unjust locked entry ever. But cooler heads will prevail here, it just isn't time, and this will have its unveiling sometime soon... It's strange how our emotions work. It's strange how we categorize a relationship at an early stage, and no matter how obvious, can't get past that. Then, one day - BOOM. Both people in the right place at the right time just click. For whatever reasons the old category dissolves as a new one evolves. Crazy Love. When I was in Columbus completely shell-shocked my roomate Cassi jumped online and videophoned from my computer to cheer me up. Showed me the pups and was generally adorable. Knowing that I couldn't videophone from my laptop, I went through this site and linked her to the funniest videos she hadn't seen. It was the most needed laughs I can remember. Of course that didn't change her "category" to me. She was my roomate, she was every second of ten years younger than me and add to all of that we're actually related through marriage. LOL. It's not that West Virginia I swear. My half-uncle, David Petikas is married to Beth whose mother is Cassi's aunt. Insert incest joke here: _______ - and now get over it. LOL. (By the way, David is my half-uncle in blood only - I've never once considered him half ANYTHING) Anyway, what was my point here? Ahh yes, the category. Hell she categorized me too. I'm OLD. LOL. There was attraction initially but it was very apparent that she was 19 (or nine-fuckin'-teen as I said to myself many times) and I might as well have been approaching 40. When I was 19 I was doing talk radio, producing my first CD, and living with my fiancee. I felt twice my age then...and now? Whew, the absolute world on my shoulders. To say I have nothing in common with a teenager is a pretty fair statement. So that's how it was. A completely accepted reality between us both. Went about our lives. The only time there was more of a connection was when I was worried sick if she didn't come home or didn't call. Being that my family knows she's out here and asks about her, there's an overwhelming feeling of responsibility towards her and there have been a few "sit-downs" between us where I certainly felt like Ward Cleaver. The fatherly: "We're not in Ohio anymore...you can't etc. etc. etc." type speeches. Other than those moments we kept the walls hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. All the shit with Jess was literally only shared with her through these entries. I would hear bits and pieces of her life in passing, but again as paper-thin as could be. What ended up happening of course is you look up one day and your category ceases to hold any weight. She was quickly realizing how fucked up this town is, how unreliable people are. I was coming back from Columbus as wounded as could be. She had a particularly shitty experience with some dickweed and at the end of the day, I was there, cared about her and had her best interests at heart. Category dissolved. It just happens like that sometimes. Over-analysis of the situation (which both of us are keen to) leads to all sorts of negatives. At some point however your body just needs to be happy. And honestly? I haven't smiled this continually for two weeks in GOD knows how long. I'd like to say that she makes me feel ten years younger but no, I feel very 30. But it's a 30 year old who's learning to just be peaceful with what he has. When you do that, it's really just pure unbridled smiling. I absolutely love being with her and laughing about stupid shit. It's almost like a strange reality show - because we live together. So whether we want it to be or not, it's not just "dating". It's kind of an automatic serious relationship with no realistic way of "going slow". I've said it a million times to her, and I'll reiterate it here for all the world: Honesty. Just be fuckin' honest about everything and it all finds a way of working out. Even with as mad as I am with Jessica right now (which amazingly hasn't subsided much), she was honest with me and in time it will heal all wounds. As long as Cassi and I are honest with each other we'll be alright. We're both well aware of how much she has yet to experience, and how much I'm past that phase and really just want a family. Of course the moment you tell yourself exactly what you want, you end up with the exact opposite and get to be surprised at how happy you are with that. In a MILLION years I would never consider dating someone this young. And honestly had I done so - we would never have gotten past a first date. Because when you're in that mode you're looking at all the negatives and the person in front of you can't possibly compete with your own pre-conceived ideas. But in this situation you look up and all the sudden you've been living with someone for 3 months and you grow attached without really thinking about it. And in a moment - zap, your world changes. As I said before, crazy love. It literally kills me to have to lock this. I've had such a glowingly couple weeks and I want so badly to scream it from the mountaintops, but we need to allow the news to travel slooooooooowly as family member tells family member and I can field all the "what the fuck" calls from Beth and David. LOL. For now, I'm just happy. It's completely refreshing. My muscles are literally sore from smiling so much (riiiight, smiling). LOL. Mr. Joel said it best: "I don't care what consequence it brings, I have been a fool for lesser things" Thanks Billy, Adam PS - Not sure what I'm thinking with keeping this song unlocked if secrecy is the goal, but there's no way in hell I'm not posting this. Literally the best song/video I've ever done for the site. I did this so quickly! Written/recorded/shot/edited from scratch in about 3 1/2 hours. Worked the structure of the song on the guitar in a few minutes. Found a 3 second drum loop on limewire (as I did for "Old Don't Beat New") and cut it up a bunch, made it string together with fills in right places. Wrote the lyrics and recorded it all in one-takes to keep the live feeling. The video was one long shot where I did the song over and over just throwing the camera around my room - and edited the whole thing in under 30 minutes! Only effect is "taking the blue" out of the scene. What's left is almost shocking. It's easily the most "produced" journey song and the video looks labored over. And if you ever want to truly understand how difficult it is for me to choose a path I love just look at the songs from this month (I'm on a streak of 7 straight btw - lol). From piano ballads, to rap, to comical, to rock with electric guitar, to this... how the fuck do I put myself in a category and run? I'll do another upbeat a capella on the next one just to round out the month. Hard not to smile at that... Smiley girl had enough of her world, So she left for a planet with me, Didn't know what to make of the pearl, But I knew what was plain to see, How she moved, how she smelled like a girl, How she smiled like a lover to be, Smiley Girl, you'll love me... I went back to the planet of attack, And it did me the way that it do, I was beat, I was broke, I was cracked, I returned to a girl that knew, And with a sigh and a twinkle in her eye, She erased the color blue, Smiley Girl, I need you... Smile Smiley Girl, Smile Smiley Girl, Smile, Smile - it fills me all the while, Smile Smiley Girl... I dont really wanna hide it anymore, 'cause my smile isn't going away, How I laugh, how I whistle through a chore, How I'm skippin' at work everyday, What a whirl I'm in love with ya girl, And I won't overthink it away, Smiley girl, you're my day.... Smile Smiley Girl, Smile Smiley Girl, Smile, Smile - it fills me all the while, Smile Smiley Girl... Smile Smiley Girl, Smile Smiley Girl, Smile, Smile - it fills me all the while, Smile Smiley Girl...

1:47 AM, Saturday, August 20th, 2005: This is the most unjust locked entry ever. But cooler heads will prevail here, it just isn't time, and this will have its unveiling sometime soon... It's strange how our emotions work. It's strange how we categorize a relationship at an early stage, and no matter how obvious, can't get past that. Then, one day - BOOM. Both people in the right place at the right time just click. For whatever reasons the old category dissolves as a new one evolves. Crazy Love. When I was in Columbus completely shell-shocked my roomate Cassi jumped online and videophoned from my computer to cheer me up. Showed me the pups and was generally adorable. Knowing that I couldn't videophone from my laptop, I went through this site and linked her to the funniest videos she hadn't seen. It was the most needed laughs I can remember. Of course that didn't change her "category" to me. She was my roomate, she was every second of ten years younger than me and add to all of that we're actually related through marriage. LOL. It's not that West Virginia I swear. My half-uncle, David Petikas is married to Beth whose mother is Cassi's aunt. Insert incest joke here: _______ - and now get over it. LOL. (By the way, David is my half-uncle in blood only - I've never once considered him half ANYTHING) Anyway, what was my point here? Ahh yes, the category. Hell she categorized me too. I'm OLD. LOL. There was attraction initially but it was very apparent that she was 19 (or nine-fuckin'-teen as I said to myself many times) and I might as well have been approaching 40. When I was 19 I was doing talk radio, producing my first CD, and living with my fiancee. I felt twice my age then...and now? Whew, the absolute world on my shoulders. To say I have nothing in common with a teenager is a pretty fair statement. So that's how it was. A completely accepted reality between us both. Went about our lives. The only time there was more of a connection was when I was worried sick if she didn't come home or didn't call. Being that my family knows she's out here and asks about her, there's an overwhelming feeling of responsibility towards her and there have been a few "sit-downs" between us where I certainly felt like Ward Cleaver. The fatherly: "We're not in Ohio anymore...you can't etc. etc. etc." type speeches. Other than those moments we kept the walls hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. All the shit with Jess was literally only shared with her through these entries. I would hear bits and pieces of her life in passing, but again as paper-thin as could be. What ended up happening of course is you look up one day and your category ceases to hold any weight. She was quickly realizing how fucked up this town is, how unreliable people are. I was coming back from Columbus as wounded as could be. She had a particularly shitty experience with some dickweed and at the end of the day, I was there, cared about her and had her best interests at heart. Category dissolved. It just happens like that sometimes. Over-analysis of the situation (which both of us are keen to) leads to all sorts of negatives. At some point however your body just needs to be happy. And honestly? I haven't smiled this continually for two weeks in GOD knows how long. I'd like to say that she makes me feel ten years younger but no, I feel very 30. But it's a 30 year old who's learning to just be peaceful with what he has. When you do that, it's really just pure unbridled smiling. I absolutely love being with her and laughing about stupid shit. It's almost like a strange reality show - because we live together. So whether we want it to be or not, it's not just "dating". It's kind of an automatic serious relationship with no realistic way of "going slow". I've said it a million times to her, and I'll reiterate it here for all the world: Honesty. Just be fuckin' honest about everything and it all finds a way of working out. Even with as mad as I am with Jessica right now (which amazingly hasn't subsided much), she was honest with me and in time it will heal all wounds. As long as Cassi and I are honest with each other we'll be alright. We're both well aware of how much she has yet to experience, and how much I'm past that phase and really just want a family. Of course the moment you tell yourself exactly what you want, you end up with the exact opposite and get to be surprised at how happy you are with that. In a MILLION years I would never consider dating someone this young. And honestly had I done so - we would never have gotten past a first date. Because when you're in that mode you're looking at all the negatives and the person in front of you can't possibly compete with your own pre-conceived ideas. But in this situation you look up and all the sudden you've been living with someone for 3 months and you grow attached without really thinking about it. And in a moment - zap, your world changes. As I said before, crazy love. It literally kills me to have to lock this. I've had such a glowingly couple weeks and I want so badly to scream it from the mountaintops, but we need to allow the news to travel slooooooooowly as family member tells family member and I can field all the "what the fuck" calls from Beth and David. LOL. For now, I'm just happy. It's completely refreshing. My muscles are literally sore from smiling so much (riiiight, smiling). LOL. Mr. Joel said it best: "I don't care what consequence it brings, I have been a fool for lesser things" Thanks Billy, Adam PS - Not sure what I'm thinking with keeping this song unlocked if secrecy is the goal, but there's no way in hell I'm not posting this. Literally the best song/video I've ever done for the site. I did this so quickly! Written/recorded/shot/edited from scratch in about 3 1/2 hours. Worked the structure of the song on the guitar in a few minutes. Found a 3 second drum loop on limewire (as I did for "Old Don't Beat New") and cut it up a bunch, made it string together with fills in right places. Wrote the lyrics and recorded it all in one-takes to keep the live feeling. The video was one long shot where I did the song over and over just throwing the camera around my room - and edited the whole thing in under 30 minutes! Only effect is "taking the blue" out of the scene. What's left is almost shocking. It's easily the most "produced" journey song and the video looks labored over. And if you ever want to truly understand how difficult it is for me to choose a path I love just look at the songs from this month (I'm on a streak of 7 straight btw - lol). From piano ballads, to rap, to comical, to rock with electric guitar, to this... how the fuck do I put myself in a category and run? I'll do another upbeat a capella on the next one just to round out the month. Hard not to smile at that... Smiley girl had enough of her world, So she left for a planet with me, Didn't know what to make of the pearl, But I knew what was plain to see, How she moved, how she smelled like a girl, How she smiled like a lover to be, Smiley Girl, you'll love me... I went back to the planet of attack, And it did me the way that it do, I was beat, I was broke, I was cracked, I returned to a girl that knew, And with a sigh and a twinkle in her eye, She erased the color blue, Smiley Girl, I need you... Smile Smiley Girl, Smile Smiley Girl, Smile, Smile - it fills me all the while, Smile Smiley Girl... I dont really wanna hide it anymore, 'cause my smile isn't going away, How I laugh, how I whistle through a chore, How I'm skippin' at work everyday, What a whirl I'm in love with ya girl, And I won't overthink it away, Smiley girl, you're my day.... Smile Smiley Girl, Smile Smiley Girl, Smile, Smile - it fills me all the while, Smile Smiley Girl... Smile Smiley Girl, Smile Smiley Girl, Smile, Smile - it fills me all the while, Smile Smiley Girl...