- 11:37 PM, Sunday,
August 14th, 2005:
-
- As I watched
unending credits roll into video of her crying about
how "broken" she was it became very apparent that this
was more than I bargained for. I sat on my couch,
caressed my cup of whiskey like a crystal ball, and
saw 20 years in the future. This was one of those
warnings. Get out while you still can. And not just
out of this managerial relationship. It was that big
sign you look for when choosing your path in life. It
was why I was telling Jessica and my family the
unthinkable: I don't care enough about my career to
sacrifice true love. I was wrong. It was all coming
together in one huge movement pointing directly at
going back to Columbus, celebrating our 5 year
anniversary and finally putting things back the way
they should've been in June.
-
- Enter the record
scratch, the broken heart, the stinging tears and the
stark realization that like it or not, I'm staying in
LA - and dealing with eccentric personalities is just
part of the business. You're one of 'em asshole, shall
we not point to YOURRRRRRRRR crying video? She was
literally me in 20 years after an empty life of
following the endless journey…
-
- …but I write
today because Shades may be dead right now, I haven't
the slightest idea. Here's what she wrote me on
Friday:
-
-
- Shades:
hey I'm getting zapped
tomorrow
- AdamBeWorkin:
uhm
- Shades: i
was a bad bad girl
- AdamBeWorkin:
what does that mean....
- Shades:
I'll tell you tonight
- AdamBeWorkin:
im scared
- Shades:
going in for electromagnetic shock
therapy
- Shades: in
a nutshell
- Shades: so
to speak
- Shades:
LOL
- AdamBeWorkin:
why would you volun-fuckin-teer for
that?
- Shades: oh
I 'm fucking excited as
hell
- Shades:
can't wait
- Shades:
this has been the most fun week of my
life
- Shades:
very happy at the
moment
- Shades:
had a meltdown
- Shades:
now I'm over it all
- Shades:
basically they think they can "rebuild
my hard drive" LOL
- Shades:
only 1% mortality rate
- AdamBeWorkin:
who's THEY?!?!!
- Shades: 5%
scrambled eggs for
brains
- Shades:
LOL
- Shades:
the practicioner is some swedish
guy
- Shades:
can't remember his name
- AdamBeWorkin:
oh that's good
- AdamBeWorkin:
at least he's Swedish
(sigh)
- Shades:
recommeded by my friend
suzanne
- Shades:
she had it done
- Shades:
hey
- Shades: we
all know I'm a bit tutti
frutti
- Shades: my
bizarrity is part of my
charm
- Shades:
and charismatic
existance
- Shades:
for without my insanity life would be
boring.
- AdamBeWorkin:
lol
- Shades:
dontcha think?
- Shades:
and if they think i'm a nut
case
- Shades:
'fuck em
- Shades:
:-)
- Shades:
Life isn't a game, it's a
gamble
- Shades:
and I'm going to the whole
enchilada
- AdamBeWorkin:
just dont do it before i get
there
- Shades:
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind
- Shades:
Hey wait, that's a
movie
- AdamBeWorkin:
i need you to look me in the eye and
say this
- Shades:
why do all of these movie titles keep
flashing in to my friggin
head
- Shades:
the voices.... the fucking
voices
- Shades:
(drowning)
- Shades:
LOL
- Shades: my
daughter just left
- AdamBeWorkin:
and...
- Shades: we
went over my living will
instructions
- Shades: I
told her what I wanted
- Shades:
last wishes etc .
- Shades:
and of course
- Shades:
good old ******
- Shades:
she made a list of the things to be
sure that she "got" after I kicked
it
- Shades:
God bless her
- Shades:
always looking out for numero
uno
- AdamBeWorkin:
(sigh)
- Shades:
that's what it's all about
right?
- AdamBeWorkin:
nooooooooooooooooooooooo
- Shades:
giggle
- Shades: ya
gotta laugh right?
- Shades:
I'm fine actually
- AdamBeWorkin:
yes, you sound like it
- Shades:
talk laterz
|
- Strangely enough,
that harddrive comparison is exactly what hit home for
me. Ya see, I wouldn't do that….too my FUCKING
HARDDRIVE LET ALONE MY BRAAAAAAAAIN. JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS.
-
- I actually went to
her apartment that night and tried to get an idea of
what the hell was going on and she literally just
thought it was all funny. She said her daughter was
over telling her what she wanted in the will. ?!?!?
Like it's all some big fuckin' joke? I'm however
weighing options in my head. The month I had known
her, her ups and downs were quite frantic. Like, I'm
cool with the low points - relationship drama, that's
all good - but for it to be followed immediately by -
YOU'RE GONNA BE A STAR!!! You're gonna win a GRAMMY!
The documentary about it will win an OSCAR!!! I KNOW
IT!!!! (all things she said) It's just too
much…
-
- …but in true
LA fashion you just keep coasting. Everything in my
head and heart says this is bad news. The majority of
things she says SCREAM of someone so green in the
industry that you should beware. Not just reserve
excitement, but run the other direction. In this case
however, she could introduce me to say a manager that
could really help. So again, you just hang on.
-
- Of course now I'm
sitting here stressing out about why she hasn't called
until what will now be Monday. I made it pretty clear
Friday to call me as soon as she could as I was
incredibly uncomfortable with this. I don't want her
to be hurt, but goddamn this whole thing is just so
crazy.
-
- And the future
things we're doing are literally me asking questions
on the red carpet for her project. I don't understand
the goal of that. I have no problem helping her out,
but she acts like it's a favor to me. I mean, it made
sense with the Black Eyed Peas because we were meeting
them backstage and I'd be able to show them some stuff
- that was the payoff…except it never happened.
Then we were meeting with them the following Monday,
and then that never happened. Like she's brought up
doing the red carpet for the Emmy's as if she's giving
me the WORLD. That's not making a contact, that's
doing legwork for her documentary. Honestly, it is fun
(good fodder for entries) and I'm happy to help out,
but she's obviously selling a bill of goods and
expecting me to just be giddy about seeing someone
from TV. Aren't we all past that shit?
-
- And that's what
seems very apparent to me. She isn't. And she's balls
to the wall manic like I've never seen to boot. This
weekend has literally snapped me back to reality as
it's been like a huge mirror to my actions. What
happens next is anyone's guess. Here's hopin' she's
alive and remembers who I am (how ludicrous and
overdramatic is this?) - and then I guess I just do
more interviews for her.
-
- Makes a bit more
sense why I'm so detatched doesn't it. How on earth do
I get my heart back into this fuggin' city when this
is what it is? Oh well. I just hope she's alright. I
obviously relate to her ups and downs and know how
hard that is. I have a pretty intense compassion for
her and wish I could help (which is probably why I'm
willing to do all the red carpet stuff no matter how
little there is in it for me), but I can't see this
turning out very well. A few more non-deliveries of
promises (there's several I haven't mentioned), and
things will come to a head.
-
- Hope you're
alright Shades,
-
- Adam
-
- PS - The
song
has NOTHING to do with her. LOL. It's just the new
Kanye West song that has been in my head 24-7 for the
past week and I HAD to record it just to get it out of
my head. Man, I really want to do some legitimate
hip-hop stuff. Could I be anymore all over the musical
spectrum these days? Jesus. Heh.
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