Adam Kontras.com - Old don't beat new...





al 10:06 PM, Tuesday, August 9th, 2005: If you'd really like the full effect of this entry - you'll need to download the video (dont fret, not depressing), loop it, and play it so loud your ears hurt. That's what I'm doing as I write this. I'm using headphones. The hurt is on. ;-) Well thank fuggin' GOD there's a method to my madness. It hit me getting off the 405 from LAX why I had literally spent the last 2 1/2 weeks going through everything 1,000 times in my head. Something just, didn't, fit. My head just can't let that shit go. I will literally drive myself crazy until I connect the dots and luckily it did just shy of a legitimate mental breakdown. No, a continuing mental breakdown...lol. I hope you guys reading this can understand just what it took or my head/heart/soul to wrap around the concept of giving it all up. Now, I knew physically I had to. I was so fucking broken that I knew I couldn't continue on the same path...but mentally? It took everything I had to accept the conditions and tell Jess, tell the world...tell myself. It has literally been a revelation in the past several weeks how badly I needed that connection, and how the rest of my world was nonexistent without it... ...so you can also imagine the SECOND after I say to myself: "Whew, I can do this...", my next thought gets to be: "Nevermind, she honestly doesn't care anymore." It is the stuff of psychotic legend man. But I kept pushing through. Playing every scenario like a computer. Just over and over. I actually got a bit further as the days went on. Depressed out of my mind, but I'd slowly process through. Looking anywhere for an answer that would allow my head to go: "Got it, moving on...". Saw Jess again on Monday night and continued the processing. She could only say "I love you, I'm sorry" so many times before I wanted to smash my head through a window. Because what it came down to for me was I've never needed her worse. In my entire life, friend/lover didn't matter - I needed so badly to work this out with her, and she couldn't. And that's part of the revelation for me. When someone drops the ball that hard, it changes everything. In my life for the next 50 years, I will need support through so much. And most likely it won't be when I'm laying on the floor crying for help and begging for someone to pick me up. It'll be far more sublte and whomever I'm with has to be able to know me well enough to see that. And this is nooooooot the first time with Jess that I've needed support with something that just never came. That took begging and pleading from me, yet she just couldn't respond appropriately. Hell even February was an example of that with us... ...but nowhere has it been more obvious that in the past two weeks. This was a bombshell revelation on my part and even if she somehow completely fell out of love with me, you stop the "new path" for just long enough to support your husband who has absolutely no one to work through this with. That's what 7 years of friendship is, that's what a marriage is, and that's what allows you to be friends for the rest of your life. I mean I was even humiliated in the car saying goodbye: "Jess, I'm sure he (the new guy) would understand if you needed to chill for a bit to work through this" Her reply? "Yeah he would..." ...but still - not gonna happen Adam. Ouch. I'm a big enough man to know when someone's lettin' me down easy. LOL. And if I were in highschool, I'd understand. However, she's not my girlfriend, she's my wife. And I haven't decided to take her to the prom, I've said I'll give up every single dream I've had just to be near you because I can't function when you're not around. Literally the lowest point of my life, and it's being swept aside for someone who at the time she knew for 48 hours, and only now is up to the ultra-impressive 2 1/2 weeks. LOL. And we're now to where I was getting off the 405 earlier today... I mean even if things don't work out with them - how do you accept someone missing the boat that badly? How can you trust that when the chips are down again, that you won't have to literally BEG for what you need? It really shook me up the more I processed everything and made me feel like I just couldn't depend on her at all. That "needy" phase is ending and she wasn't there. She won't be the option in the future...and this all SUCKS. You know why? Honestly? Because I swear to GOD I'm gonna get a call in 2-3 months with her wanting to try and here we'll go again. Knowing the journey however, then I'LL be with someone else, will break it off because she's actually married to my boss, Jess will come back, we'll find out the other girl is pregnant with my baby and I'll write a song: "My baby's momma ain't my wife" or some shit. LOL. (sigh). As always, this is my side of the story people. It's my coping mechanism and I'm sure I'm way the fuck off base on a lot of it. 'Cause honestly, when I'm with Jessica - none of this matters. I see the faces if my children in her eyes and never want to leave her presence. It is no coincidence that I figure all this out only when I'm 2200 miles away, yet our last moments together in person were in loving embrace wiping away the tears. I can tell you now that her not being there when I needed her was the last straw but it literally takes me 5 seconds to see her again and have us both tear up because we feel connected at the hip. But I'm certain now, that things will happen the way they're supposed to. Without specifics, thank you to my mother, Cassi, Beth, Moose, Bobbie and my dad. I'm not alone. I apologize for ever saying I was... Adam PS - A couple things about the video. (A) I do indeed look gay during the "ooh-yeah yeah" line, you're not just thinking that. LOL. It's a difficult note to hit sitting down. (B) That's water at the beginning, not beer. (C) There's absolutely no effects on the sound. It's live in the room simply pointing speakers inward and hitting record on the camcorder. Amazing how well mixed it is just screwin' around. (D) Yes, this makes me figuring out what type of music I want to do even harder. (sigh). (E) And finally, this is a reworking of "It's Already Done" from back in February (thus the deja-fuckin-vu line). I dig 'em both...

10:06 PM, Tuesday, August 9th, 2005: If you'd really like the full effect of this entry - you'll need to download the video (dont fret, not depressing), loop it, and play it so loud your ears hurt. That's what I'm doing as I write this. I'm using headphones. The hurt is on. ;-) Well thank fuggin' GOD there's a method to my madness. It hit me getting off the 405 from LAX why I had literally spent the last 2 1/2 weeks going through everything 1,000 times in my head. Something just, didn't, fit. My head just can't let that shit go. I will literally drive myself crazy until I connect the dots and luckily it did just shy of a legitimate mental breakdown. No, a continuing mental breakdown...lol. I hope you guys reading this can understand just what it took or my head/heart/soul to wrap around the concept of giving it all up. Now, I knew physically I had to. I was so fucking broken that I knew I couldn't continue on the same path...but mentally? It took everything I had to accept the conditions and tell Jess, tell the world...tell myself. It has literally been a revelation in the past several weeks how badly I needed that connection, and how the rest of my world was nonexistent without it... ...so you can also imagine the SECOND after I say to myself: "Whew, I can do this...", my next thought gets to be: "Nevermind, she honestly doesn't care anymore." It is the stuff of psychotic legend man. But I kept pushing through. Playing every scenario like a computer. Just over and over. I actually got a bit further as the days went on. Depressed out of my mind, but I'd slowly process through. Looking anywhere for an answer that would allow my head to go: "Got it, moving on...". Saw Jess again on Monday night and continued the processing. She could only say "I love you, I'm sorry" so many times before I wanted to smash my head through a window. Because what it came down to for me was I've never needed her worse. In my entire life, friend/lover didn't matter - I needed so badly to work this out with her, and she couldn't. And that's part of the revelation for me. When someone drops the ball that hard, it changes everything. In my life for the next 50 years, I will need support through so much. And most likely it won't be when I'm laying on the floor crying for help and begging for someone to pick me up. It'll be far more sublte and whomever I'm with has to be able to know me well enough to see that. And this is nooooooot the first time with Jess that I've needed support with something that just never came. That took begging and pleading from me, yet she just couldn't respond appropriately. Hell even February was an example of that with us... ...but nowhere has it been more obvious that in the past two weeks. This was a bombshell revelation on my part and even if she somehow completely fell out of love with me, you stop the "new path" for just long enough to support your husband who has absolutely no one to work through this with. That's what 7 years of friendship is, that's what a marriage is, and that's what allows you to be friends for the rest of your life. I mean I was even humiliated in the car saying goodbye: "Jess, I'm sure he (the new guy) would understand if you needed to chill for a bit to work through this" Her reply? "Yeah he would..." ...but still - not gonna happen Adam. Ouch. I'm a big enough man to know when someone's lettin' me down easy. LOL. And if I were in highschool, I'd understand. However, she's not my girlfriend, she's my wife. And I haven't decided to take her to the prom, I've said I'll give up every single dream I've had just to be near you because I can't function when you're not around. Literally the lowest point of my life, and it's being swept aside for someone who at the time she knew for 48 hours, and only now is up to the ultra-impressive 2 1/2 weeks. LOL. And we're now to where I was getting off the 405 earlier today... I mean even if things don't work out with them - how do you accept someone missing the boat that badly? How can you trust that when the chips are down again, that you won't have to literally BEG for what you need? It really shook me up the more I processed everything and made me feel like I just couldn't depend on her at all. That "needy" phase is ending and she wasn't there. She won't be the option in the future...and this all SUCKS. You know why? Honestly? Because I swear to GOD I'm gonna get a call in 2-3 months with her wanting to try and here we'll go again. Knowing the journey however, then I'LL be with someone else, will break it off because she's actually married to my boss, Jess will come back, we'll find out the other girl is pregnant with my baby and I'll write a song: "My baby's momma ain't my wife" or some shit. LOL. (sigh). As always, this is my side of the story people. It's my coping mechanism and I'm sure I'm way the fuck off base on a lot of it. 'Cause honestly, when I'm with Jessica - none of this matters. I see the faces if my children in her eyes and never want to leave her presence. It is no coincidence that I figure all this out only when I'm 2200 miles away, yet our last moments together in person were in loving embrace wiping away the tears. I can tell you now that her not being there when I needed her was the last straw but it literally takes me 5 seconds to see her again and have us both tear up because we feel connected at the hip. But I'm certain now, that things will happen the way they're supposed to. Without specifics, thank you to my mother, Cassi, Beth, Moose, Bobbie and my dad. I'm not alone. I apologize for ever saying I was... Adam PS - A couple things about the video. (A) I do indeed look gay during the "ooh-yeah yeah" line, you're not just thinking that. LOL. It's a difficult note to hit sitting down. (B) That's water at the beginning, not beer. (C) There's absolutely no effects on the sound. It's live in the room simply pointing speakers inward and hitting record on the camcorder. Amazing how well mixed it is just screwin' around. (D) Yes, this makes me figuring out what type of music I want to do even harder. (sigh). (E) And finally, this is a reworking of "It's Already Done" from back in February (thus the deja-fuckin-vu line). I dig 'em both...